Toxic Striving

Clinical psychologist Paula Freedman-Diamond defines toxic striving as a relentless and inflexible pursuit of perfection, societal ideals, and external validation that comes at the expense of one’s well-being.

This constant pressure to achieve and attain can impact various aspects of life, from work performance to physical appearance, relationships, and personal hobbies.

Unlike healthy ambition, which is fueled by passion and a desire for growth, toxic striving is driven by fear, a need for control, and a deep-seated belief that one is not good enough.

Here’s a closer look at some key characteristics of toxic striving:

Signs of Toxic Productivity

Feeling like you’re never enough:

This is a hallmark of toxic striving.

Individuals caught in this cycle often experience a chronic sense of emptiness, feeling like they are constantly falling short, regardless of their accomplishments.

This is because their self-worth is contingent upon external validation rather than internal satisfaction.

Prioritizing tasks with a clear purpose:

Avoiding activities that don’t directly contribute to a specific goal is another indicator.

Feeling like time spent with friends, family, or pursuing hobbies is wasted can suggest an unhealthy focus on productivity.

Ignoring internal cues:

In their relentless pursuit of productivity and achievement, individuals struggling with toxic striving often ignore their body’s signals, such as hunger, fatigue, and emotional needs.

This can lead to burnout, physical health issues, and further emotional distress.

Constant guilt, shame, and anxiety around productivity:

Individuals struggling with toxic striving often feel the need to be productive at all times, even in their personal lives.

They may experience guilt or anxiety when they are not actively working towards a goal and struggle to enjoy activities simply for the sake of enjoyment.

Feeling compelled to fill every moment with productive activities and experiencing guilt or anxiety during periods of rest are strong indicators of toxic striving.

This inability to switch off and recharge can perpetuate the cycle of overwork and exhaustion.

Rigid rules and inflexibility:

Toxic striving often involves adhering to strict rules and self-imposed demands.

These rules may dictate how they spend their time, how they eat, or even how they interact with others.

This rigidity can lead to feelings of failure and inadequacy when they inevitably deviate from these self-imposed standards.

Paula Freedman-Diamond notes that these rules impose an “all-or-nothing” mentality, leading individuals to view any deviation as a failure.

This inflexibility can be particularly detrimental when unexpected circumstances arise, such as illness or changing priorities, as individuals may struggle to adapt and may instead resort to self-criticism and a frantic need to “compensate.

Individuals prone to toxic striving often use rules as a way to control their internal experiences, seeking to manage their emotions, thoughts, and bodily sensations.

This desire for control can stem from a deep-seated fear of inadequacy and a belief that any deviation from these rules will lead to chaos or a loss of self-worth.

Rules often create a sense of urgency and pressure, compelling individuals to constantly strive for perfection and avoid any perceived missteps.

This pressure can lead to a state of chronic stress and a disconnect from internal signals of fatigue, hunger, and other needs.

Prioritizing work and achievement above personal relationships and self-care:

Toxic striving often leads to neglecting personal needs and relationships.

The pursuit of achievement becomes all-consuming, leaving little time or energy for nurturing meaningful connections or engaging in self-care activities.

This imbalance can further exacerbate feelings of burnout and isolation.

Feeling burnt out:

Exhaustion, low morale, and frequent health problems are common signs of burnout, which can be a consequence of prolonged toxic striving.

Feeling fatigued first thing in the morning, even after a full night’s sleep, can also be an indication of burnout.

Defining self-worth solely through accomplishments and external validation:

People caught in the cycle of toxic striving often seek validation from external sources, such as achievements, praise, or societal standards of success.

Their self-worth becomes tied to these external measures, leading to a constant feeling of emptiness and a never-ending pursuit of the next goal.

The target is always moving, and even when they achieve a goal, it’s never enough.

Their brain quickly moves on to the next thing, leaving them feeling chronically dissatisfied.

How does toxic striving develop?

Toxic striving often stems from a combination of societal pressures (hustle culture, wellness culture) and individual temperament (perfectionism, people-pleasing tendencies).

We internalize these external pressures as rigid internal rules, leading to a constant feeling of inadequacy and a relentless drive to achieve.

Personality Traits:

Certain personality traits can make individuals more susceptible to developing toxic striving.

Those who are naturally more conscientious, perfectionistic, or have a high need for control may be more prone to falling into this pattern.

Individuals who are prone to people-pleasing often seek approval and validation from others. This external focus can align with toxic striving, where self-worth becomes contingent on achievements and meeting external expectations

These personality traits become problematic when combined with external pressures, leading to rigid rules, self-criticism, and an inability to find satisfaction outside of achievements.

Hustle Culture:

The pervasive “hustle culture” glorifies relentless work and productivity, equating self-worth with achievement and material success.

This constant pressure to perform can lead individuals to internalize the message that they are only valuable if they are constantly working and achieving, neglecting personal needs and relationships in the process.

Wellness Culture:

While promoting health and well-being, this culture often sets unrealistic standards for physical appearance and health behaviors.

This can lead to obsessive focus on diet, exercise, and other wellness trends, creating a sense of inadequacy and fueling the need to constantly strive for an unattainable ideal.

Social Media:

The curated and often unrealistic portrayals of success and happiness on social media platforms contribute to feelings of comparison and inadequacy.

Individuals may feel pressured to present a perfect image online, further fueling the need to constantly strive for external validation and approval.

Societal Reinforcement:

The constant reinforcement of achievement-oriented values through education systems, workplaces, and media further solidifies the belief that productivity and external success are paramount.

This constant messaging can make it difficult to break free from toxic striving patterns, as they become deeply ingrained in one’s sense of self.

Unrealistic Goals and Expectations:

Toxic striving often involves setting unrealistic goals and expectations, leading to a chronic sense of falling short.

This perpetual dissatisfaction fuels the need to work harder, further neglecting personal needs and leading to increased anxiety and burnout.

Fear of Failure and Inadequacy:

The fear of failure and inadequacy drives individuals to constantly seek external validation, perpetuating the vicious cycle of toxic striving.

This fear can make it difficult to relax, enjoy leisure activities, and prioritize personal well-being.

How can I break free from toxic striving patterns?

It is possible to break free from the grip of toxic striving and cultivate a more balanced and fulfilling approach to life.

This transformation involves a multifaceted approach, addressing both the internal beliefs and external pressures that contribute to this pattern.

Here are key strategies for dismantling toxic striving patterns:

1. Reconnect with Your Authentic Values and Needs:

• Identify Your True Values: What truly matters to you in life? What kind of person do you want to be? Align your actions with your authentic values, rather than pursuing goals solely for external validation. For example, if you value spending time with loved ones but find yourself constantly working late, you might consider adjusting your schedule to prioritize those relationships.
• Tune in to Your Body’s Signals: Develop your interoceptive awareness – your ability to perceive internal bodily sensations. Recognizing and honoring signals of hunger, fatigue, and stress. Instead of pushing through these signals, allow yourself to rest, nourish your body, and attend to your needs. This can be a powerful act of self-care and a way to break the cycle of neglecting your well-being in the pursuit of achievement.

2. Challenge and Reframe Unhelpful Thoughts and Rules:

Examine the rules you’ve created for yourself and consider whether they serve you or simply perpetuate a cycle of striving and self-criticism

• Identify and Question Rigid Rules: Toxic striving often involves rigid, self-imposed rules that dictate how you “should” be and what you “must” achieve. Identify these rules and challenge their validity. Ask yourself: Is this rule truly serving me? Is it flexible enough to accommodate the realities of life? By challenging these rigid rules, you can create space for greater flexibility and self-compassion.
• Reframe Negative Self-Talk: Toxic striving is fueled by negative self-talk and self-criticism. When you notice these thoughts, try to reframe them with a more compassionate and understanding perspective. For example, instead of beating yourself up for not completing every item on your to-do list, acknowledge your efforts and recognize that it’s okay to have limits.

3. Shift Your Perspective on Productivity and Achievement:

Give yourself permission to experience pleasure and satisfaction without guilt or the need to earn it.

Engage in activities that bring you joy, nourish your senses, and allow you to reconnect with your body’s natural capacity for delight.

• Embrace Limitation and Imperfection: Accept that you are a human being with limitations. It is impossible to be productive all the time, and striving for perfection is a recipe for disappointment. Instead of fighting against time, embrace the reality that you can’t do everything. Focus on doing what you can, within your capacity, and let go of the need to control every outcome.
• Redefine Success: Challenge the societal definition of success that equates it with constant productivity and achievement. What does success truly mean to you? Does it involve meaningful relationships, personal growth, creative expression, or contributing to something larger than yourself? By broadening your definition of success, you can find fulfillment beyond the narrow confines of external achievements.

4. Set Healthy Boundaries and Prioritize Self-Care:

• Establish Work-Life Boundaries: Create clear boundaries between work and personal time, especially if you work remotely. This might involve setting specific work hours, disabling notifications outside of those hours, and creating rituals to transition from work mode to personal time.
• Schedule Time for Rest and Activities You Enjoy: Make time for activities that bring you joy and rejuvenation, without feeling guilty or unproductive. Engaging in activities you enjoy, simply for the pleasure they bring, can help you reconnect with your authentic self and break free from the constant need to achieve.
• Limit Exposure to Toxic Influences: Be mindful of the media you consume, particularly on social media. Unfollow accounts that trigger feelings of inadequacy or reinforce toxic striving patterns. Seek out content that inspires you, promotes self-compassion, and aligns with your values.

5. Seek Support and Professional Guidance:

• Connect with Supportive People: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your struggles with toxic striving. Sharing your experiences can help you feel less alone and gain valuable perspectives.
• Consider Therapy: A therapist can help you identify the underlying beliefs and patterns contributing to your toxic striving and develop personalized strategies for change. They can provide a safe space to explore your emotions, challenge negative thoughts, and build self-compassion.

Remember:

• Progress is a Process: Breaking free from toxic striving is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way.
• You Are Worthy: Your worth is inherent, not dependent on your achievements or productivity. Embrace your imperfections and treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

By implementing these strategies you can begin to dismantle the patterns of toxic striving and embark on a path toward greater well-being, fulfillment, and authenticity.

How can I practice interoceptive awareness?

Toxic striving involve a disconnect from internal bodily cues and the prioritization of external goals over personal well-being.

Individuals caught in toxic cycles often ignore these signals, pushing themselves beyond their limits, leading to burnout and other negative consequences.

Regularly checking in with your body helps you better understand your needs and make choices that support your needs for rest, nourishment, and connection.

Interoceptive awareness refers to the ability to perceive sensations from within your body, such as hunger, fullness, fatigue, muscle tension, heart rate, and even emotions.

While these sensations are constantly present, many people have become disconnected from them, often due to societal pressures to prioritize productivity and external achievements over internal needs.

1. Start with Simple, Neutral Sensations:

If the idea of connecting with hunger, fullness, or emotions feels overwhelming or charged, begin with more neutral sensations.

• Full Bladder: Notice the sensations as your bladder fills, the urge to urinate, and the relief after going to the bathroom. Observe the progression of these sensations.
• Tiredness: Pay attention to the physical signs of fatigue, such as drooping eyelids, yawning, decreased energy levels, or difficulty concentrating.
• Heartbeat: Place your hand on your heart or wrist and feel your pulse for a minute. Notice the rhythm and intensity of your heartbeat. Then, remove your hand and see if you can still sense it subtly.

2. Gradually Tune in to Hunger and Fullness Cues:

• Notice Hunger Signals: Become aware of the subtle cues your body sends when you’re starting to get hungry.
  • Stomach rumbling or gnawing
  • Lightheadedness or difficulty concentrating
  • Irritability or mood changes
  • Thinking about food frequently
• Observe the Progression of Hunger: Pay attention to how the sensations change if you don’t eat right away. Notice how hunger progresses from mild to moderate to intense.
• Recognize Fullness: As you eat, tune in to the sensations that indicate you’re starting to feel satisfied. Notice:
  • A decrease in the intensity of hunger signals
  • A feeling of contentment and satisfaction
  • A slight pressure or fullness in your stomach

3. Expand Awareness to Other Bodily Sensations and Emotions:

• Notice Muscle Tension: Pay attention to areas where you hold tension, such as your shoulders, neck, jaw, or back. Explore ways to release this tension, such as stretching, deep breathing, or massage.
• Tune in to Your Breath: Observe the natural rhythm of your breath. Notice how it changes when you’re stressed, relaxed, or engaged in different activities.
• Recognize Emotional Sensations: Emotions manifest in the body as physical sensations. For example, anxiety might feel like a tightness in your chest or a racing heart, while sadness might feel like a heaviness in your chest or a lump in your throat. Start by noticing these sensations without judgment.

Making Interoceptive Awareness a Practice:

• Mindful Moments: Throughout the day, pause and take a few minutes to tune in to your body. Notice any sensations present without trying to change them.
• Body Scan Meditation: Practice body scan meditations, which guide you to systematically bring awareness to different parts of your body, noticing any sensations present. Many guided meditations are available online or through apps.
• Mindful Movement: Engage in activities like yoga, tai chi, or walking, paying attention to the sensations in your body as you move.
• Journaling: Keep a journal to track your interoceptive experiences. Record the sensations you notice, how they change over time, and any insights you gain.

Remember: Developing interoceptive awareness takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself, and approach this process with curiosity and non-judgment.

The more you tune in to your body’s wisdom, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate life’s challenges and cultivate a sense of balance and well-being.

How can I set boundaries with media consumption?

Be mindful of the content you consume and its impact on your mental health.

Create boundaries around your media consumption, especially social media, as we discussed in our previous conversation.

The less you’re bombarded with external messages and images, the more space you’ll create to hear your own inner voice

• Unfollow accounts that trigger negative emotions or promote unrealistic standards.
• Limit exposure to news and social media, especially if you find it overwhelming or anxiety-provoking.
• Consciously choose media that aligns with your values and brings you joy and inspiration.

1. Recognize the Persuasive Power of Media and Its Impact on Your Well-Being:

• Media as a Business: Media platforms, especially social media, are designed to capture and hold your attention, often by triggering strong emotions like anger, fear, and inadequacy. Recognizing these tactics can empower you to become a more discerning consumer of media.
• The Illusion of Control: Recognize the false belief that you can achieve a state of complete control and mastery over your to-do list, inbox, or the demands of the world. Similarly, attempting to perfectly manage your media consumption can lead to feelings of overwhelm and failure. Instead, accept your limitations and making conscious choices about where you direct your attention.
• Internalize the Impact: The constant barrage of information and idealized images presented in the media can fuel toxic striving, comparison, and a sense of never being enough. Even seemingly harmless content, like cute animal videos, can become a form of avoidance or distraction if not consumed intentionally.

2. Be Intentional and Mindful in Your Media Choices:

• Curate Your Social Media Feeds: Unfollow accounts that trigger negative emotions or promote unrealistic standards, and instead choosing to follow accounts that align with your values, inspire you, and enhance your life. This might involve seeking out accounts that focus on self-compassion, humor, creativity, or topics that genuinely interest you.
• Set Limits and Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries around your media consumption, similar to setting work-life boundaries. Define clear start and finish times for work, and this principle can be applied to media use as well. Consider:
  • Screen Time Limits: Utilize built-in phone features or apps to set daily time limits for specific apps or overall screen time.
  • Designated Tech-Free Times: Create periods in your day, such as mealtimes or evenings, where you consciously disconnect from devices and engage in other activities.
  • Physical Separation: When you want to be fully present, put your phone out of sight, in a drawer or bag. Consider leaving your phone at home when going for walks or engaging in other activities where it’s not essential.

3. Reconnect with Your Internal Signals and Values:

• Recognize Your Urge to Escape: Astutely observe distractions, including media distraction, often stems from a desire to escape uncomfortable feelings, such as boredom, stress, or the challenge of a difficult task. Instead of automatically reaching for your phone, pause and acknowledge the feeling present.
• Engage Your Interoceptive Awareness: Practice tuning in to your body’s signals. This heightened awareness can help you recognize when you’re using media as a form of avoidance or when you genuinely need a break or a shift in activity.
• Align Your Media Choices with Your Values: Before engaging with media, ask yourself: Does this content align with my values? Is this how I want to spend my time? Will this leave me feeling energized or depleted? Act authentically and prioritizing activities that bring you a sense of fulfillment, rather than simply conforming to societal expectations or seeking external validation.

4. Embrace Alternative Activities and Find Joy Offline:

• Reconnect with Activities You Love: Prioritize activities that bring you joy and rejuvenation, without guilt or the pressure to be productive. Activities like hiking, spending time with loved ones, pursuing creative hobbies, or simply relaxing in nature.
• Model Healthy Media Habits: Modeling the behaviors you want to cultivate, both for yourself and for others. By demonstrating that enjoyable leisure doesn’t require constant digital stimulation, you can inspire yourself and those around you to find fulfillment in offline activities.

Remember:

• Progress, Not Perfection: Creating a healthier relationship with media is an ongoing process. It’s okay to stumble along the way. The goal is to become more aware of your patterns and make conscious choices that support your well-being.
• You Have the Power to Choose: Reclaim your time and attention by recognizing the tactics used by media platforms, understanding your own motivations, and making intentional choices about the content you consume.

Source:
Freedman-Diamond, P. (2024). Toxic Striving: Why Hustle and Wellness Culture Are Leaving Us Anxious, Stressed, and Burned Out—and How to Break Free. New Harbinger Publications.