The moment you realize you really like someone new can feel like a rush—a mix of excitement, hope, and anxiety.
Unfortunately, for many, this is also the moment they start to over-invest their time, energy, and emotions, often pushing away the very connection they desire.
This common, frustrating pattern stems from deep-seated fears and a subconscious drive to secure the relationship before it’s ready.
According to Matthew Hussey, a renowned dating coach and relationship expert, over-investing is a self-sabotaging behavior fueled by an internal need for certainty and external validation.
In this comprehensive guide, drawn directly from his insights, we’ll break down the exact strategies you need to stop losing yourself in the early stages of dating, shifting your focus from “winning” the person to evaluating their suitability for your life.
By applying these four core shifts, you will restore your power, attract healthier partners, and manage your emotional energy effectively.
1. Shift Your Mindset: Derive Safety Internally, Not From Your Date
The most crucial first step is to stop placing all your emotional security and needs onto the new person.
As Matthew Hussey explains, the danger begins the second you decide you need that person, making them the “prize” and giving away your power.
The Danger of External Safety
- You Nominate Them as a Provider: If you nominate a new date as the sole source of the safety, peace, or consistency you lacked in the past, you are setting yourself up for a precarious situation and asking for too much, too soon.
- Choosing From a “Wound”: Hussey points out that if you are attracted to intensity because you are afraid of abandonment, you might be choosing partners from a wound rather than a healthy place. This makes you a target for unhealthy, toxic dynamics.
- The Power Exchange: When you are looking for safety from a partner because you cannot give it to yourself, they become the “prize.” Your job should be to use their behavior to determine if they are right for you.
How to Model Secure Attachment
- Your Safety is Your Job: Your peace must come from realizing you cannot control the other person’s behavior. Your only job is to control your own investment.
- Act Securely: If you find yourself slipping into an anxious or obsessive state, try to model a secure attachment.
- Ask the Question: Ask yourself, “What would a secure, high-value person I respect do in this situation?” or “Would they find this level of attention or inconsistency acceptable?”
2. Measure Your Actions, Not Your Feelings
Strong feelings are inevitable in the honeymoon phase, but they should not automatically dictate your behavior.
To avoid over-investing, you must put concrete, measured limits on the time, energy, and commitment you give initially.
Slow Your Investment Rate
- The Trial Period Mentality: Treat the first few months as a “trial period.” You can be yourself, but you must constantly maintain the awareness that you are still evaluating them.
- Don’t Over-Bet: Hussey suggests you should not “give an amount that if it didn’t go somewhere you’re like I can’t believe I gave that much.” It’s tempting to move quickly, but you must be careful.
- Focus on Consistency, Not Intensity: Do not mistake high intensity for commitment. Intensity is often a chemical rush or “drama” that is easy to produce. Sustained consistency is what you need to look for, as character reveals itself over time.
Actions to Reduce Over-Giving
- Avoid “Too Bonded” Activities: Don’t suggest a weekend trip or anything that creates a premature sense of “we are a couple” until commitment is earned and you feel truly safe.
- Attention is Your Currency: Your attention is your most valuable asset. If they haven’t texted you for two or three days, they aren’t thinking about you—so stop spending your valuable time fixating on them.
- Let Exclusivity Be Earned: If you are not in an agreed-upon exclusive relationship, do not apply the test of exclusivity to yourself. Your decision to stop dating others should be a direct response to the consistency and progression you are getting from them.
3. Maintain Your Own Life and Manage Your Energy
Over-investing means putting your entire focus onto the new person, which inevitably leads to neglecting other fulfilling areas of your life.
This creates a great big void if the relationship doesn’t work out.
The Energy Management Principle
- Stay Connected to Your Life: Matthew Hussey strongly advises against dropping everything and “running head first into the relationship.” Keep your feet on the ground and connected to your life as it was before they showed up.
- Prioritize Your Life: You should not cancel things you genuinely enjoy for a date, even if they desperately want to see you. For example, if you have a class every Thursday, attend it and propose meeting on Saturday instead.
- The Healthy Response: A healthy person will not take this as a sign that you don’t like them; they will see that you have a full, engaging life that they would be lucky to join.
Why Over-Giving Hurts Attraction
- It Kills Attraction: Excessive thoughtfulness or generosity can actually be interpreted as insecurity or trying to compensate for feeling unequal to the person, which can kill attraction.
- They Can’t Invest: When you over-give, you prevent the other person from having the time and space to invest in you. Hussey notes that people bond by sacrificing for you and putting you first—if you’ve already done everything, they have nothing to do.
4. Be Intentional Without Being Accusatory: Express Your Standards
A mature, measured approach to dating involves being intentional about the dynamic you are creating.
This means expressing your standards and ensuring you are not giving more than you are receiving.
The Intentionality Check
- The Commitment Test: Ask yourself: “Do I feel comfortable having a real conversation with them about how I expect them not to see anyone else right now?”
- The Reality Check: If the answer is no, Hussey warns you may be “investing on what you hope will happen rather than what you’re seeing.” This is a false sense of security that will eventually break down.
How to Gracefully Express a Standard
If something a date does bothers you, the goal is to communicate your needs clearly, framing the conversation around your value and your time, not trying to change their behavior.
- Note and Wait: If something bothers you, note it down. If it still bothers you 24 hours later, bring it up.
- Express Your Feeling, Not Their Fault: You could point out a discrepancy in their behavior by saying, “It’s made me feel strange” or “It’s confusing when you do X, but say Y.”
- State Your Need: Honestly communicate what you need, such as: “I need to know if that’s what you’re really feeling because it would make me re-evaluate the energy I’m putting into this.”
This approach demonstrates that you value yourself and your time. It puts the responsibility for their consistency back on them, and it empowers you to walk away if they can’t meet your needs.
5. Change Your Dating Structure and Environment
According to psychotherapist, Esther Perel, one of the most powerful ways to stop over-investing in a single person early on is to refuse to isolate the date from the rest of your life.
- Do Not “Leave Your Life to Go Date”: Many people fall into a pattern where they “leave their life” to go on dates, setting aside their existing activities and friends. When these dates fail to materialize into anything meaningful, they are often left with a feeling of emptiness or shame because they have nothing to report back to their friends.
- Bring the Dates to Your Life: A critical piece of advice is to “bring the dates to your life”. If you have plans with friends, bring your date along. This integrates the dating experience into your daily routine, rather than cutting off your life for the possibility of a date.
- Benefit from Social Context: Bringing a person into your existing social context provides a “ton of data points” by allowing you to see how they interact with the people in your life. If the date does not work out, the date is gone, but your friends and your life continue, mitigating the sense of loss and self-worth examination often associated with isolated dating encounters.
✅ Summary and Next Steps: Your Early Dating Checklist
Stopping over-investment is like managing a portfolio: you start small, diversify your energy, and only increase investment when the person demonstrates consistent, reliable growth.
The goal is to prioritize self-sufficiency and mutual discovery over immediate outcomes.
Key Takeaways
- Internalize Safety: Your job is to make yourself feel safe, not to make the other person behave in a way that makes you feel safe.
- Invest Slowly: Treat the first few months as a trial period. Never give more than you are willing to lose.
- Prioritize Your Life: Maintain your hobbies, friends, and career. Don’t cancel on your life for a date.
- Communicate Gracefully: Frame your standards in terms of your time and energy. You are evaluating them, not auditioning for them.
Actionable Next Steps (Your New Dating Policy)
- Self-Check: Before texting or planning the next date, ask: Am I doing this to relieve my anxiety or because they’ve initiated a move forward?
- The 50/50 Rule: In the first month, ensure the energy, planning, and communication is roughly a 50/50 split. If you are constantly the one initiating, pull back.
- The Weekly Focus: Dedicate at least three evenings a week to non-dating activities (hobbies, friends, fitness). If a date interferes, politely suggest another day.
