Two Anxious Attachment Styles Dating

Can Two People With An Anxious Attachment Style Date?

Although it can be difficult for two people with an anxious attachment style to date, it’s not impossible if both partners are willing to work on themselves and the relationship.

Because of their similarities, a relationship between two people with an anxious attachment style can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for growth.

That being said, relationship compatibility goes beyond attachment style alone. Knowing your attachment style gives you good insight into your patterns and insecurities, but it’s not the only thing that makes or breaks a relationship.

Everyone is unique, and some people are more anxious than others. This article is a general exploration of two anxious attachment styles dating, so keep your own situation in mind.

Challenges When Two Anxiously Attached People Date

Both partners are likely sensitive to rejection. They often feel neglected and may use controlling behavior (e.g., checking each other’s phones) to ease their anxiety.

In short, each partner can amplify the other’s attachment anxiety. That can lead to more conflict.

Attachment styles are internal working models of feelings, expectations, and beliefs about the self (negative or positive self-view) and whether the other person will be responsive and available to you.

Someone with an anxious attachment is suspicious of others’ intentions and believes they’ll eventually leave and abandon them.

This anxiety means they want to be close to their partner all the time. They worry their partner will leave.

To deal with the anxiety, they can become distressed, controlling, “clingy” and excessively seek closeness and reassurance.

If two people in a relationship are like this, it can be challenging if neither is aware of their attachment insecurities or willing to work on them. Here are some of the reasons why:

1. Heightened Anxiety

When both partners are anxious, they might not be able to help each other regulate their distress.

Instead of your partner helping you to regain emotional control, their anxiety might make yours worse and vice versa.

The attachment system activates during times of stress. When you’re going through something stressful or upsetting, you look to your close relationships for support.

For those with anxious attachment, relationships are a major source of stress because of their internal beliefs about self (“I’m not good enough”) and others (“They’re going to leave me”).

To cope, anxiously attached people often use hyperactivating strategies: intense, sustained efforts to gain a partner’s attention and care when the partner seems unavailable^[1].

Examples include clinging, demanding reassurance, and monitoring a partner. When both partners do this at once, one person’s anxiety intensifies the other’s instead of calming it.

• Heightened emotional sensitivity: Both partners may be more sensitive to perceived threats or signs of rejection, which can lead to frequent misunderstandings and conflicts.
• Hypervigilance: Each partner may monitor the other’s behavior, words, and tone for signs of rejection or abandonment. This heightened sensitivity can lead to a cycle of overanalyzing and misinterpreting each other’s actions.
• Fear of abandonment: When both partners have anxious attachment styles, the fear of abandonment can lead to a complex push-pull dynamic. They may cling to each other for reassurance, while also pushing away due to fear of engulfment.

Clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula describes one version of this pairing. As she explains in a video on anxious attachment and narcissistic relationships, many narcissistic people, especially those with vulnerable narcissism, are themselves anxiously attached.

She says the relationship can become a contest between two anxious partners, “twisted and contentious.” Each feels under threat of abandonment, and neither has much reassurance to give.

2. Dependency

Anxiously attached individuals tend to rely heavily on others for validation and reassurance.

They want the other to soothe their anxiety around abandonment or rejection. This can lead to clinginess and overdependence.

If both partners struggle with this, it can create a dynamic in which neither partner feels capable of managing their anxiety without the other.

Anxiously attached individuals often seek constant reassurance from their partner, which can be draining for both parties.

If both partners are seeking reassurance, neither can fully respond to the other’s needs. Each is focused on their own. That can lead to more emotional instability and conflict.

This can get in the way of individual growth and autonomy and may eventually lead to feelings of resentment or suffocation.

Seeking reassurance does not always build trust. In a 14-day diary study of 110 couples, women high in attachment anxiety reported lower trust the day after they sought reassurance^[2]. The pattern did not appear for men, and it comes from a single community sample.

3. Difficulty Establishing Boundaries

Anxious attachment is associated with having difficulties setting and maintaining boundaries.

If you fear being abandoned, it’s natural to do what you believe might make them stay – and you might end up letting your boundaries slide.

However, boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship. If both partners aren’t confident setting and maintaining them, it can be hard to balance closeness and autonomy.

A lack of clear boundaries negatively impacts the quality of a relationship as it causes conflict, confusion, and dependence.

4. Communication Issues

Communication can be an issue in a relationship between two anxiously attached people. Both may struggle in these ways:

• Expressing needs: Both may have difficulty expressing their needs and emotions clearly.
• Taking criticism: Both might struggle with criticism and become easily offended.
• Reading actions negatively: Hypersensitivity to rejection or abandonment can lead each to interpret the other’s actions negatively.

If these insecurities and needs are not expressed in a healthy way (e.g., passive-aggression, clinginess, jealousy, etc.), it can lead to more conflict.

They might be so focused on their own insecurities that it makes it difficult to really listen to the other person. Strong emotions can get in the way of a calm, constructive discussion.

A year-long study of 263 couples suggests how this unfolds. When the partner higher in attachment anxiety pressed for change and the other withdrew, both reported lower satisfaction a year later^[3].

5. Mismatched Dynamic

In some cases, a relationship between two anxiously attached people may not work out because there’s no chase or “push and pull” dynamic. It might go stagnant quickly.

To explain, people tend to choose partners who confirm what they think about themselves and others.

Anxiously attached people often believe they’re not good enough and that others will abandon them. They might subconsciously seek a partner who is distant and emotionally unavailable, because that confirms those beliefs (a self-fulfilling prophecy).

Another anxiously attached person might not provide this misguided validation.

Thus, although they might enjoy the attention and mutual understanding, it might be less exciting and contradict their belief system (which can lead to the uncomfortable feeling of cognitive dissonance).  

6. Harmful Relationship Outcomes

Research on spouses who both have an anxious attachment style^[4] found the following themes:

• Higher levels of marital conflict
• Partners are perceived as less supportive.
• More distancing behavior (emotionally and physically)
• Women were more likely to use “power assertion behaviors” in conflict, e.g., verbal threats, rejection, and demands.
• Increased relationship violence.

These outcomes describe most of the couples studied. It doesn’t mean every relationship is like this, or that two anxiously attached people can’t be happy together.

What are the advantages of two people with anxious attachment dating?

While a relationship between two anxiously attached people can be challenging, there are also some potential benefits, such as:

1. Emotional Connection

Two people with anxious attachment styles might bond over their fears and insecurities. This can create a strong emotional connection, at least in the early stages of a relationship.

They might share openly and support each other. That can make them feel understood and cared for.

However, this connection may rest on shared anxieties rather than genuine compatibility. That could lead to issues down the line.

2. Mutual Understanding and Validation

Because they share similar anxieties, they might be better at providing the kind of love, validation, and reassurance the other needs to feel secure.

They may be more attuned to each other’s needs for reassurance and validation.

Their shared experience can mean more empathy and understanding. This can deepen their bond.

However, there’s also a risk of enabling each other’s insecurities and anxieties, rather than challenging each other to grow.

3. Shared Growth and Healing

If both partners recognize their attachment insecurities and want to address them, they can work together to overcome their anxieties.

This can foster a healthy dynamic and lead to personal growth and healing within the relationship.

However, this requires a high level of self-awareness, communication, and willingness to change from both partners.

Understanding each other’s attachment patterns helps you respond more compassionately. It turns the relationship into a shared project rather than a blame game. Reading about attachment styles together is one place to start. Over time, you can both work toward a more secure attachment style.

How can two anxious attachment styles date each other?

By understanding each other’s fears and insecurities, both anxiously attached partners can work together to build a healthy relationship.

Ultimately, it comes down to your individual personalities, communication styles, and willingness to work through challenges together.

If you’re both aware of your attachment style and insecurities and want the relationship to work, it’s entirely possible to date someone who also has an anxious attachment style.

Here’s some advice on how you can work through the challenges:

1. Effective Communication

Good communication is a practice that requires conscious effort and patience.

It’s respectful and compassionate yet assertive and clear, and both partners actively listen to each other and focus on solutions rather than solely on problems.

Though you may both have an anxious attachment style, your specific insecurities and triggers may vary, so it’s important to listen and find ways to support each other.

2. Mutual Reassurance (and Accountability)

If you both fear abandonment, reassure each other. Then talk openly about how you’d like to be loved and supported.

It’s crucial to hold each other accountable for unhelpful behaviors to promote growth. However, it’s also important to be gentle and understanding when anxieties flare up.

Reassurance through words and actions can help. It can ease fears of abandonment.

Reassurance can include:

• Telling them how much you care.
• Being consistent in how you interact with them.
• Honor your promises and commitments e.g., call when you said you’d call.

Touch may help too. In an experiment that induced jealousy in 75 couples, affectionate touch from a partner reduced jealousy in the more anxiously attached partner. A verbal reminder of security did not^[5].

Be specific about the unhelpful behaviors you want to change (e.g., clinginess, controlling behavior, jealousy). If you always excuse or ignore them, they can’t change.

3. Set Boundaries

The first step in setting healthy dating boundaries is to understand what they are (your limits and needs).

You consider what’s important/ non-negotiable to you in a relationship and what you need from a partner (those are your boundaries), and then you communicate that to them.

So, in this case, both partners need to establish their boundaries and discuss them with each other. Importantly, you both need to respect them. Avoid crossing each other’s boundaries.

Boundaries can feel anxiety-provoking. You might read one as a sign of rejection. Remember, though, that boundaries bring you closer by giving you the space to love each other freely.

4. Encourage Independence

Encouraging each other’s individuality and autonomy can build trust and reduce anxiety. It’s important to support each other’s interests and goals outside the relationship.

Again, this could feel anxiety-provoking. Anxiously attached individuals try to keep their partner as close as possible, hoping that will make them stay.

However, in a healthy relationship, partners encourage each other to pursue their own interests, hobbies, and goals outside of the relationship.

It means you respect the other’s individuality and autonomy, which can build trust and enable you to learn how to soothe your anxiety.

5. Be Patient

Healing attachment insecurities takes time and patience. You’re unlikely to resolve all the individual and relationship issues overnight.

Instead, you need to work at it consistently and provide each other with support and encouragement.

Treat it as a team effort. Working on this “project” together makes it feel more manageable.

Anxiety about trying more secure behaviors is often highest at first. It tends to ease with repetition.

6. Pause and Self-Soothe

When an anxious attachment trigger hits, pause before you react. An intense feeling isn’t necessarily an emergency. Often it’s the attachment system sounding a false alarm. Try these steps:

• Pause and breathe: Take a few slow, deep breaths before you respond.
• Separate fact from story: The fact might be “my partner didn’t reply for three hours.” The anxious story is “they must be losing interest.”
• Calm your body: A triggered attachment system also sets off a fight, flight, or freeze response, so slow breathing, exercise, or yoga can help.
• Self-soothe: Journaling can make worst-case scenarios look less rational once they’re on paper. Mindfulness helps you notice anxious thoughts without reacting.

There could be many reasons for your partner’s silence that have nothing to do with you.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed/Wanted

Navigating attachment styles and insecurities can be complex and sometimes it might be easier to have a trained professional support your journey.

As a couple, you could try couples therapy. It offers a structured space and a skilled facilitator to work through difficult feelings together.

Emotionally Focused Therapy is an attachment-based couples therapy. It treats a couple’s recurring conflict cycle as the thing to work on, not the content of any one argument. The Gottman Method is a research-based approach built on decades of observing couples’ communication.

Individual therapy can help too. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you replace catastrophic thinking, such as reading a late reply as proof of abandonment. Psychodynamic therapy explores how your attachment style shows up in the therapy relationship itself.

Any counseling built on a safe, genuine relationship with the therapist can help.

Evidence Check: Does the Research Back This Up?

Verdict: Supported with qualifications. Meta-analyses link attachment anxiety to poorer relationship quality. They also agree that attachment security is moderately stable over the short to medium term. Whether it lasts over very long intervals is contested.

The strongest evidence is a meta-analysis of 73 studies (118 samples, 21,602 individuals). It linked attachment anxiety to poorer relationship quality and, more strongly than avoidance, to general conflict^[6].

A later meta-analysis largely confirmed negative links between both insecure dimensions and satisfaction and commitment^[7].

The two reviews probably pool many of the same studies. So their agreement is less than fully independent.

The evidence is correlational, so it cannot show whether anxiety lowers satisfaction or dissatisfaction raises anxiety. A year-long study of 263 couples adds a time order, but it relied on self-reported communication^[3].

Attachment styles aren’t fixed either.

A meta-analysis of 127 papers found medium-sized stability of attachment security from infancy to early adulthood (r = .39). It found no significant stability over intervals longer than 15 years^[8].

Those reviews concern security in general, not the anxious style specifically.

Summary

There are challenges to dating someone with the same anxious attachment style as:

• Amplified attachment anxiety can increase conflict.
• Heavy reliance on each other for validation and reassurance can hinder individual growth and autonomy.
• Boundary issues may arise.
• Communication difficulties due to hypersensitivity to rejection and abandonment.
• Research shows higher levels of marital conflict, less perceived support, more distancing behavior, increased use of power assertion behaviors, and increased relationship violence.

However, there can be some advantages:

• Strong emotional connection through shared fears and insecurities.
• Better ability to provide love, validation, and reassurance due to shared experiences.
• Potential for shared growth and healing if both partners recognize and address their attachment insecurities.

Strategies for success include:

1. Practicing effective communication with empathy, active listening, and focus on solutions.
2. Providing mutual reassurance and holding each other accountable for unhelpful behaviors.
3. Establishing and respecting healthy boundaries to bring partners closer together.
4. Encourage independence to build trust and individual autonomy.
5. Be patient and consistently work on individual and relationship issues.
6. Pause and self-soothe when triggered, rather than reacting immediately.
7. Seek professional help if needed to navigate attachment styles and insecurities.

Sources

1. P. R. Shaver and M. Mikulincer, “Attachment-related psychodynamics,” Attachment & Human Development, vol. 4, no. 2, pp. 133–161, 2002, doi: 10.1080/14616730210154171.
2. L. E. Evraire, D. J. A. Dozois, and J. L. Wilde, “The contribution of attachment styles and reassurance seeking to trust in romantic couples,” Europe’s Journal of Psychology, vol. 18, no. 1, pp. 19–39, 2022, doi: 10.5964/ejop.3059.
3. A.-A. Lefebvre, A. Brassard, M. Jean, M.-È. Daspe, M.-F. Lafontaine, and K. Péloquin, “The role of communication in romantic attachment and relationship satisfaction: A dyadic longitudinal study,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, vol. 52, no. 2, Art. no. e70127, 2026, doi: 10.1111/jmft.70127.
4. L. A. Beck, P. R. Pietromonaco, C. J. DeBuse, S. I. Powers, and A. G. Sayer, “Spouses’ attachment pairings predict neuroendocrine, behavioral, and psychological responses to marital conflict,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, vol. 105, no. 3, pp. 388–424, 2013, doi: 10.1037/a0033056.
5. K. J. Kim, B. C. Feeney, and B. K. Jakubiak, “Touch reduces romantic jealousy in the anxiously attached,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol. 35, no. 7, pp. 1019–1041, 2018, doi: 10.1177/0265407517702012.
6. T. Li and D. K.-S. Chan, “How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: A meta-analytic review,” European Journal of Social Psychology, vol. 42, no. 4, pp. 406–419, 2012, doi: 10.1002/ejsp.1842.
7. B. W. Hadden, C. V. Smith, and G. D. Webster, “Relationship duration moderates associations between attachment and relationship quality: Meta-analytic support for the temporal adult romantic attachment model,” Personality and Social Psychology Review, vol. 18, no. 1, pp. 42–58, 2014, doi: 10.1177/1088868313501885.
8. M. Pinquart, C. Feußner, and L. Ahnert, “Meta-analytic evidence for stability in attachments from infancy to early adulthood,” Attachment & Human Development, vol. 15, no. 2, pp. 189–218, 2013, doi: 10.1080/14616734.2013.746257.

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