The push-pull dynamic in relationships is a pattern of interaction where one person alternates between being emotionally close and distant, creating a confusing and often frustrating experience for the other. This dynamic can manifest in various ways, from subtle shifts in attention to more overt behaviours like withdrawing or becoming overly attentive.
Push-Pull Cycle
When a guy pulls away, he aims to make a girl feel insecure and increase her investment in the relationship.
This withdrawal inevitably creates anxiety and fear in the girl.
The fear stems from the possibility of losing the relationship or not being deemed good enough.
This can lead to hypervigilance, with the girl constantly analyzing his behavior for signs of further withdrawal.
These anxieties often trigger underlying abandonment issues or insecurities within the girl, leading to feelings of self-doubt and a desperate need for reassurance.
This can manifest as clinginess, neediness, and increased dependence on the guy.
Cycle of Chasing & Withdrawing
The girl experiencing the withdrawal often responds by ‘chasing’ – initiating more contact, expressing increased affection, and attempting to rectify the perceived issues.
This chasing behavior, however, is precisely what the guy desires, as it reinforces his sense of control and power.
This creates a toxic cycle of push and pull, where the girl’s attempts to reconnect only lead to further withdrawal from the guy.
Lack of Authentic Connection
Relationships that rely on these strategies rarely last.
They can be addictive, but they are ultimately unfulfilling.
The guy who is constantly chasing never truly feels loved, and the girl who is constantly pulling away never truly experiences emotional intimacy.
Why Do Guys Behave This Way?
1. Pulling Away as a Power Play
The act of withdrawing or pulling away is frequently a power move.
It’s a way for one person to assert dominance and control within the relationship.
It’s a way of manipulating the other person’s emotions by making them feel like they are not good enough, therefore making them work harder for affection and commitment.
When someone withdraws, they create a void that makes the other person feel insecure and anxious.
This dynamic shifts the balance of power, placing the person who is pulling away in a more dominant position because they are not as invested in the relationship.
This behaviour can manifest in various ways, such as emotional distance, reduced communication, or physical withdrawal.
The person pulling away might become less available, less responsive, or simply less engaged in the relationship.
This creates a sense of uncertainty and insecurity in the other partner, as they no longer feel the same level of connection or attention.
The person withdrawing often withholds love and attention.
This withholding is not only hurtful but also manipulative, as it aims to make the other person feel less secure, thus increasing their desire to regain the connection and affection.
2. The Thrill of the Chase
Some men are motivated by the “hunt” or conquest.
They enjoy the pursuit itself, and once they feel they’ve “got” the person, their interest may wane.
This can be driven by ego, where they are trying to prove their worth by getting someone to love them.
This chase dynamic can be like a game, where there’s a push and pull. If both parties are open to this dynamic, it can be fun.
However, if the chase is one-sided, it can become unhealthy.
The person being chased might offer breadcrumbs of attention, which can be confusing and keep the pursuer engaged. These crumbs might be little kisses or other small gestures.
Some people are conditioned to find the chase attractive; they may even be more interested in someone who is initially not interested in them. This can stem from childhood experiences.
Sometimes, the person who is pulling away may have other reasons for doing so that are not necessarily about manipulation and control. It might be that they are dealing with something else in their life or simply that they need to process their own emotions.
3. Emotional Immaturity and Fear of Vulnerability
Some people are emotionally unavailable and afraid to go deep or let anyone in.
They may choose partners with big problems that they can fixate on to avoid intimacy.
They may be afraid of rejection or have a fear of closeness. They might not be able to handle vulnerability or intimacy, which leads them to pull away.
Pulling away can be a power move to regain control in a relationship.
Some men struggle with intimacy and being seen, which is why they may pull away when things get more serious.
Some people have an unconscious narrative that tells them there’s something wrong with someone who is into them.
4. Low Self-Esteem and Need for Validation
People with low self-esteem may seek validation by getting someone to love them.
They may chase those who are unavailable, as getting their affection could make them feel significant and worthy.
They may think, “If I just got this person to love me, then I’m validated, then I’m significant”.
They may be attracted to people who are rejecting them because it confirms their low self-image.
They might believe that they don’t deserve love, so they don’t pursue relationships with people who are available and interested in them.
5. The Initial “High” and the Reality Check
At the beginning of a relationship, there’s often a rush of hormones, like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.
This can create a feeling of euphoria similar to being on ecstasy.
This initial phase is driven by passion and lust, but it’s not sustainable. Once the novelty wears off, reality sets in.
The person is no longer seen as an ideal but as a flawed human.
Some people are not able to transition from the ‘falling in love‘ stage to a more committed stage.
After sex, some men experience a sense of clarity and may realise they don’t want to pursue a relationship.
If a man doesn’t form an emotional connection with a woman before sex, he may not want to continue seeing her afterwards.
6. Unrealistic Expectations and Projections
People often project an ideal onto someone they barely know. They can become obsessed and put the person on a pedestal.
This can lead to overlooking red flags and seeing the person as having more capacity to understand them than they do.
The person may not be who the pursuer imagined them to be, leading to disappointment.
When people realise the other person is not their ideal, they may withdraw.
7. Fear of Commitment
Some people may be afraid of a committed relationship. They might say they really like someone but aren’t ready for a relationship.
They may want to “see where it goes” but not actually be open to anything serious.
This may be a way to avoid commitment and keep their options open.
If someone says they don’t want a relationship, believe them, and don’t try to change their mind.
Breaking the Cycle
It is important to remember that the fastest way to influence a guy is by changing your own behavior. When you step out of the cycle, it creates an opportunity for him to do so as well.
the most important thing is to stop chasing:
This may feel incredibly difficult, as your anxiety will drive you to seek reassurance and connection, but it’s essential to resist this urge.
Instead of leaning in, give the guy space, in physical interactions and on social media.
focus your energy on yourself rather than on the guy:
This can involve engaging in activities that bring you joy, spending time with friends and family, and exploring new hobbies.
By focusing on self-care, you reduce the dependence on your partner for validation and security.
become comfortable with your feelings of anxiety:
When you feel the urge to chase, acknowledge the feeling, but don’t act on it.
Learning to sit with these uncomfortable feelings is vital for breaking the cycle.
It will allow you to recognise that you can manage these feelings on your own.
the man now has two options:
When a man realises that a woman is no longer chasing him, he might start to see her as someone of value.
He may become more interested in her and step up his efforts.
Alternatively, he may walk away, which is also valuable information because it reveals his lack of genuine interest.
Ultimately, if a man doesn’t respond positively to this change, it is important to recognise that he is not the right partner, and to seek a relationship where mutual respect and healthy connection are valued.
