Romantic breakups can be among the most painful experiences we face, as they can leave us feeling lost, heartbroken, and overwhelmed.

There are many things you can do to feel better after a breakup but be patient and compassionate with yourself – healing from the emotional turmoil takes time.

To better understand what helps people heal from a breakup, I asked a few people what their experiences were and what advice they would give.

In this article, I’ll explore the complex emotions involved in a breakup and suggest practical strategies to help you navigate this difficult time.

Why It Hurts

Breaking up with a person you care about is often painful and devastating. Depending on the circumstances, it can leave people feeling depressed, empty, and directionless.

Why is that?

It’s loss

Romantic relationships often provide us with a sense of meaning and purpose. We invest in shared goals, dreams, and aspirations with our partners, creating a narrative of our lives together.

A breakup disrupts this shared narrative, leaving us questioning our future and our place in the world.

When you break up with someone, you lose a person you care about. You lose the vision you had for the future, a shared history, part of your identity, as well as stability and support.

We grieve the shared experiences, routines, and dreams that we had built with our partner.

Loss strikes at the heart of our human need for connection, security, and identity. There’s a gap where something and someone meaningful existed.

Although the person hasn’t ceased to exist, you grieve that person as though they have.

This loss of purpose can contribute to feelings of emptiness and disorientation, as we grapple with the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

It brings change and uncertainty

A breakup disrupts your life and causes uncertainty.

Your routine changes, and you might have to move and separate your belongings and finances. The future is suddenly uncertain, and you have to rebuild your life and identity.

This can be extremely stressful as change can take away our sense of security and control.

As humans, we seek stability so when everything is quickly thrown into uncertainty, it can feel overwhelming.

It’s an emotional rollercoaster

Going through a breakup can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. You might feel sad, relieved, angry, confused, guilty, or alone all within the same day (or even hour).

Breakups that are sudden, unexpected, or involve betrayal can be particularly traumatic and difficult to process.

These feelings can be particularly intense if the breakup was sudden or unexpected, such as in cases of ghosting.

It’s exhausting to try and stay grounded when your emotions are swinging from one extreme to the other.

Depending on the circumstances, it’s common to experience:

Sadness and grief
Anger and resentment
Isolation and loneliness
Confusion and denial
Self-doubt and unease
Guilt
Relief and a sense of freedom
Hope and optimism for the future

Negative thought patterns may arise

A breakup can send your negative thoughts spiraling, and your self-esteem and self-worth may take a beating.

Being rejected by someone we love can trigger primal fears of abandonment and worthlessness

Breakups often bring our own imperfections and vulnerabilities to the surface. We may feel inadequate or flawed, leading to self-criticism and self-doubt.

Catastrophic thinking about the future and blaming yourself, your ex, or the universe are common responses to a breakup.

You might also blame yourself, be filled with regret, and wonder if things could have been different. You might find it difficult to think about anything else and constantly ruminate about every detail.

Your ex-partner’s reaction can make it more difficult

Dealing with your ex-partner’s reaction to the breakup can be challenging.

They may respond with dismissal, anger, distress, indifference, or even excessive joy, each of which presents its own difficulties.

Managing your own emotions while navigating their reactions can add to the stress and pain of the situation.

How to Heal

There are many ways to make yourself feel better after a breakup. The main ingredients for healing after a breakup are time and patience, combined with taking positive action for your mind, body, and soul.

Everyone is different so what will help you to heal from a breakup will depend on your circumstances, personality, and other personal factors.

But after speaking to people about their experiences of getting over someone, I found some common themes:

Limit or eliminate contact

“You have to make a clean break – don’t contact them, don’t stalk them on social media. Block them if you have to. If you don’t, it will drain you – you need time for yourself.”

To get over someone it’s important to stop having contact with them as much as possible. It’s normal to miss them and be tempted to send them a message but if you want to heal, you need to let go.

In some cases (e.g., if you have kids) it might not be possible to entirely stop having contact. However, it’s still essential to set boundaries.

Set boundaries around contact and what you’d do if you bumped into each other.

If you have mutual friends, it’s also important to discuss with them what boundaries you need so you don’t put unnecessary strain on those relationships.

For example, you might ask them not to share any details about your ex’s life with you.

Allow yourself to grieve

“Cry as much as you need, just let the tears flow. Losing someone is so painful, it’s like the worst pain ever so of course you’re going to cry.”

Before anything else, allow yourself to suffer and really feel those difficult emotions. Eventually, you’ll be ready to start the process of healing.

The ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions is crucial for growth and longevity.

When you break up with someone, you go through a process of loss and grief. Engage with your grief and allow all the emotions to come to the surface.

Don’t suppress your feelings, no matter how hard it is to sit with them. The flood of emotions is a healthy response to a heartbreaking situation – the more you acknowledge and allow yourself to grieve and be upset, the more you will heal.

“The only way out is through.”—Robert Frost, Servant to Servant

Lean on your support system

When you’re going through a breakup, it’s helpful to talk to people about it. Reach out to people, ask them to listen, to help you move your things out, or whatever it is you need.

Talking about your feelings and thoughts will help you to process faster so try not to shut yourself away too much (although it’s also okay to spend some time alone).

It’s also good to nurture relationships that you may have neglected during your relationship.

“I neglected some of my friendships during my relationship. I was always really focused on her. When we broke up, I felt really alone and was almost scared to reach out to people in case they were like “Ah, look who’s running back now” but they weren’t – they were so supportive. It was amazing to realize how many people care about me.”

Practice acceptance and compassion

Recognize that the relationship is over and let go of any hopes of reconciliation1. This can be a difficult step, as it requires confronting the reality of the situation. However, it’s essential for emotional well-being and allows you to begin the healing process.

“For me, the most difficult thing was to accept it’s over. I kept thinking “What if I do this” or “What if this would be different” or “Maybe she’ll come back”. She never did but it took me months to accept that. So, I would say that finding a way to accept it’s over as quickly as possible is a good idea. They’re not coming back, life is not a movie.”

As well as accepting that it’s over and letting go, practice accepting where you are and have compassion for yourself and your pain.

Some self-compassion exercises include:

Be a friend to yourself: how would you comfort a friend who’s going through what you’re going through? Offer yourself the same kindness and support.
Self-compassionate letter: write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a friend. Describe your struggles and offer words of comfort and support.
Soothing touch: when you feel upset, give yourself physical comfort by placing your hand on your heart or hugging yourself.
Self-compassion breaks: try to take a break from your daily responsibilities and do something that makes you feel good. Remember that you’re not alone and offer yourself kindness.

Practice emotion regulation techniques

“I’ve been practicing meditation for years and I think it really helped me to deal with the situation. Just breathing and trying to stay in the present moment. If you don’t have a meditation practice already, start immediately.”

Emotion regulation techniques are a good way to ground and center yourself when you’re going through the emotional rollercoaster that can come with a breakup.

Try to create a balance between feeling all the raw emotions and finding ways to calm down your nervous system.

Some helpful practices include:

Mindfulness
Meditation
Gratitude
Breathing techniques

Prioritize self-care

“I think people don’t realize how exhausting heartbreak is. Sleep and nap as much as you need and want, eat a healthy diet, nurture your body – it will help a little bit.”

Breakups can be intense, exhausting, and stressful. That’s why it’s important to be kind to yourself and do things that will help you cope better. Self-care includes anything that makes you feel better and healthier.

For example:

Sleeping plenty and taking naps
Eating a healthy diet
Getting out into nature and practicing mindfulness
Exercising regularly to flood your system with endorphins
Connecting with people
Making time for rest and relaxation
Reading a book
Writing about your feelings

Rituals for Breakups

Rituals are used during and after breakups and divorces as a way to help us internalize that our relationship is over but WE are not.

According to Esther Perel, breakup rituals mindfully transition you away from the remnants of the past relationship and point you toward renewed self-care, individuality, and optimism as you move forward. The purpose is therapeutic healing through ceremonial closure.

Removing belongings – This act of packing up and removing an ex’s possessions from your personal space provides closure. It signals a tangible end to the daily reminders of that person.
Breakup letters – Writing out your thoughts and feelings in a letter can help process the end of the relationship, even if you don’t send it. Putting emotions into words brings clarity, helps you acknowledge the loss, and facilitates healing. Space for grief does not preclude kindness. Letters penned may air grievances, but we needn’t mail them.
Visiting significant places – Revisiting meaningful locations from the relationship and consciously saying goodbye allows you to honor the past while letting go to move forward.
Journaling – Processing feelings through writing helps manage the grief and find insight. Externalizing the internal provides perspective.

These rituals aim to process our own emotions, not to punish ex-partners. While rituals can provide closure and comfort, we must be mindful that there is another person who likely feels sadness and loss as well. Breakups require compassion.

Embrace being single

“Go on a solo adventure – whether that’s traveling to another country or going for a hike in the mountains. For me it was really important to learn to enjoy my own company and do stuff on my own – I love it now”

For many people, one of the scariest things about breaking up with someone is being alone. If you can relate to this fear then it could be especially important for you to learn how to be happy on your own.

Learn to enjoy your own company and try not to rush into the next relationship or numb yourself with casual sex and flings.

Going out on planned dates with yourself allows you to practice shifting the identity and focus that was previously placed on your partner back onto yourself. This reinforces your sense of self-worth.

As one woman said, “If you can, don’t date anyone for a while – it makes everything messy and you’re not actually dealing with the breakup, you’re running away from your pain. I didn’t date anyone for like 6 months after my ex broke up with me, I just couldn’t. But I think it was a good thing.”

“When you want to go on a date or sleep with someone, pause and really be honest with yourself: is this going to make you feel better? Do you truly want this or is this desire coming from a destructive place?”

Find healthy distractions

“Don’t use distractions to avoid dealing with the pain but find things to keep your mind busy. Your mind will constantly want you to think about that person and the breakup and sometimes you just have to force it to think about something else. It gets easier with time.”

Healthy distractions help your racing mind to find something else to focus on for a little while. It doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions but rather having a time-out from them.

Healthy distractions include:

Learning something new like a language or skill
Doing things you used to love doing but stopped doing when you got into the relationship
Going traveling and exploring new places
Creative expression through music, art, dance, or writing

Limit social media

Continuously checking your ex’s social media can prevent you from detaching and moving on. It can trigger painful memories, create unrealistic expectations, and fuel jealousy and resentment.

“I made the mistake of looking at my ex’s social media page and I saw how well she seemed to be doing, and it just made me feel awful because I was really suffering. It didn’t help at all, so I really recommend staying away from social media.”

It can be tempting to “stalk” your ex and post pictures of yourself living your best life or looking especially nice, but this won’t help you to heal.

If it feels easier, block your ex, go on a digital detox, and switch off from social media for a while. It will help you to focus on yourself and remove unnecessary triggers.

Reflect

“The only person who’s truly going to help you get through it is you. Yeah, it’s helpful talking to other people but at the end of the day, you have to do the work. Maybe that’s harsh but it’s true.”

When you feel ready, it can be helpful to reflect on your relationship. It’s not about overanalyzing every detail but reflecting on how this relationship can help you grow.

Journalling can be a helpful tool as you can capture and release your spiraling thoughts onto a page.

It can also be helpful to write your ex a letter expressing your feelings and any unresolved issues. It’s probably best not to send the letter – this is just an exercise to help you process.

Avoid dwelling solely on what the other person did wrong. Instead, reflect on your role in the relationship, the lessons learned, and how you can grow from this experience. Ask yourself:

Who were you in this relationship?
What could you have done differently?
What do you truly want from a partner and relationship?
When you look back at your relationships, what patterns do you notice?
What are your needs and boundaries in a relationship?
What lessons has this relationship taught you?
What could you improve and change in the future?

Rebuild your self-concept and envision the future

“Don’t waste your time on getting them back – use your time to get yourself back, the person you were before that relationship.”

Once the acute pain of the breakup has reduced, it will be easier to see that a breakup can be an opportunity for growth. Though it’s hard, going through this process will show you how strong and resilient you are.

Sometimes we can lose ourselves in a relationship and once it’s over, we feel a big part of ourselves is missing. This is a chance to rebuild your self-concept and reclaim the self that was neglected in the relationship.

Who are you? What do you want in life? What are your goals? And how can you attain them? What makes you happy and fulfilled?

“Holding on is believing that there’s a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.”

—Daphne Rose Kingma

Practice forgiveness

“Forgive yourself for any mistakes you might have made. Forgive your ex for their mistakes. Blame isn’t helpful. I was so angry at him for leaving me, but I hated myself even more. I felt like it was all my fault, and he left because of me. I went to see a therapist and she helped me to forgive myself and him – we just didn’t work out, that’s the end of it.”

Forgiveness is essential for healing because it allows you to move forward without the weight of resentment, anger, or guilt.

By letting go of the negative feelings towards yourself and your ex, you create space for peace and growth.

Try cognitive reappraisal

Cognitive reappraisal means changing how you think about a given situation, in this case, the breakup and your ex.

You could

Focus on your partner’s negative traits and the negative aspects of your relationship as this might make it easier to accept the breakup was a good thing.
Instead of viewing the breakup as a reflection of your value, consider it a redirection. It’s an opportunity to learn, grow, and create space for a relationship that better aligns with your needs and aspirations.
Concentrate on all the benefits of being single e.g., focusing on yourself and your personal goals, deepening your friendships, not having to deal with negative aspects of partner and relationship, etc.

Although these can be helpful to some extent, they won’t solve your pain and grief entirely – they’re tools you can lean on in difficult moments.

Therapy and other outside help

Depending on your situation, it can be helpful to find a therapist who can help you navigate the difficult feelings, worries about the future, and rebuild your life, identity, and self-esteem.

Listening to inspiring podcasts or reading encouraging books can also be useful to learn new ways of thinking and moving forward.

Heal your attachment insecurities

Your attachment style can influence how well you deal with a breakup. Securely attached people often find it easier to deal with a breakup because they have better coping mechanisms.

So, working on your attachment insecurities and becoming more securely attached can help you manage the breakup better and lead healthier relationships in the future.

People with an insecure attachment style tend to experience more distress and find it more difficult to move on. They’re more inclined to feel rejected and blame themselves, which can cause a lot of distress.

Insecurely attached individuals often didn’t learn good self-soothing skills (being able to calm yourself down when you’re distressed) when they were young. This can make them feel unable to soothe their pain but with a bit of work, they can learn how to do that.

Securely attached people tend to employ these healthy coping mechanisms:

Emotion regulation techniques (as mentioned above)
Leaning on social support and talking about their feelings
Positive reappraisal e.g., seeing the benefit of being single
Solution-focused approach i.e., what can I do to make myself feel better? How can I get through this?
Practicing self-compassion instead of blaming or criticizing themselves

A note on toxic relationships

Coming out of a toxic relationship can be especially challenging. It can be a painful and exhausting process as a toxic partner may ramp up the abuse when you try to leave or try to win you back through manipulation.

It’s important to understand how to keep yourself safe and sane when you’re ending a relationship with an abusive partner.

Healing from a toxic relationship takes time and work. An abuser may leave you feeling at fault, unstable, and questioning whether the abuse was real because of the relationship’s deeply confusing nature.

This ongoing attack on your sense of reality makes healing harder, so noticing small signs of progress can restore hope and remind you that recovery is possible.

What to Avoid

Now that we’ve discussed how to feel better after a breakup, let’s briefly consider what can make things more difficult.

Of course, the advice is to try your best not to engage in these unhealthy coping mechanisms. However, when you’re going through something difficult, it’s normal to get into a bit of a “self-destruct” mode so have compassion for yourself.

Don’t punish yourself but rather, be a friend to yourself and provide encouragement and support to find solutions and ways to move forward.

Things that could make you feel worse and keep you stuck include:

Engaging in Social Media Stalking: Continuously checking your ex’s social media can prevent you from detaching and moving on. It can trigger painful memories, create unrealistic expectations, and fuel jealousy and resentment.
Seeking Closure in the Wrong Places: Trying to force closure or get answers by constantly reaching out to your ex can prolong the pain and prevent you from finding peace within yourself. Closure ultimately comes from within, through acceptance, understanding, and letting go.
Rushing into a New Relationship: Attempting to replace the void left by the breakup by immediately jumping into a new relationship can hinder your emotional healing and prevent you from fully processing the previous experience. It’s important to give yourself time and space to heal and rediscover yourself before embarking on a new romantic commitment.
Comparing Yourself to Others: Focusing on how others are seemingly happy in their relationships while you are struggling can intensify feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Remember that everyone’s journey is unique, and social media often presents a curated version of reality.
Using Substances or Unhealthy Behaviors to Numb the Pain: Attempting to avoid or numb the pain through substance abuse, excessive exercise, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms can ultimately prolong the healing process and create additional problems. It’s important to find healthy outlets for your emotions and seek support if needed.
Isolating Yourself from Support Systems: Withdrawing from friends and family can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, amplifying the pain of the breakup. It’s crucial to lean on your support system during this challenging time, as they can offer comfort, understanding, and a different perspective.

Sources

Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., & van Ijzendoorn, M. H. (1997). Adult attachment and the break-up of romantic relationships. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 27(3-4), 121–139.

Boelen, P. A., & Reijntjes, A. (2008). Negative cognitions in emotional problems following romantic relationship break-ups. Stress and Health 25(1).

Horner, S., & Langeslag, S. (2019). Negative and positive reappraisal after a romantic break-up. Journal of Student Research 8(2).

How to Feel Better After a Breakup: Why it Hurts and How to Heal