How to Divorce a Narcissist

Ending a marriage can be a painful, grueling process. Bring narcissism into the mix and this process will only become more challenging, exhausting, and emotionally draining.

Regardless of who initiates the divorce, your narcissistic partner will likely try to make the split as difficult as possible. Preparation is your best protection. Plan in secret, document everything, and hire a lawyer experienced in high-conflict divorce.

A narcissist’s delusional belief in their own grandiosity and superiority can lead them to see divorce as a direct challenge. It threatens their sense of status and worth. If they feel they are losing control over you, they will do whatever it takes to gain the upper hand.

They might use gaslighting, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, or other psychological tactics to confuse you. Clear decisions become much harder.

Additionally, narcissists typically lack empathy, making it hard for them to understand or care about the emotional impact of their actions on their partners.

This lack of empathy coupled with their high-conflict nature and manipulative personality can be emotionally, financially, and physically draining for the spouse seeking divorce.

How Do You End a Marriage With a Narcissist?

Ending a marriage with a narcissist can be a challenging and emotionally draining process, but here is some essential advice to consider:

Keep Your Plans Secret

Do not tell your partner you are planning to file for divorce. Otherwise, they will try to manipulate you into staying. And, if they feel their control over you is in jeopardy, they might become even more aggressive, manipulative, and abusive.

It is also beneficial to document any instances of abuse, manipulation, or controlling behavior by the narcissist.

This evidence may include emails, text messages, social media posts, or any other communication that demonstrates their behavior.

Educate Yourself on Narcissism

Learn about narcissism, manipulation tactics, and the dynamics of abusive relationships.

This groundwork helps you understand how your spouse may react to divorce.

It is also worth reading about how to cope with narcissistic behavior and how to heal from a narcissistic relationship.

Rebuild Your Support System

Narcissists tend to isolate their spouses from friends and family to exert control and induce dependency.

If you are planning to leave a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to keep trusted friends or family informed about your situation.

You will need as much support as possible, for both your well-being and your safety.

Shame can make asking for help harder. Esther Perel describes the cycle in an episode of Where Should We Begin? The more alarming a partner’s behavior becomes, the less a person wants to tell friends or family. Telling them would make their own judgment look questionable too.

In Perel’s account, that shame cuts a person off from the people best placed to help them leave. She also suggests that wanting to prove you can handle everything alone can keep you in a harmful situation. Accepting support is not a failure of resilience.

These are Perel’s interpretations of one caller’s account, not research findings.

Depending on your circumstances, you may also want to consider contacting a domestic abuse organization. If you fear for your safety, take appropriate precautions and do not hesitate to call the police or obtain a restraining order.

Seek an Experienced Legal Representative

If possible, find a divorce attorney experienced in dealing with high-conflict divorces and narcissistic individuals. A skilled attorney can guide you through the legal process and protect your interests while dealing with the narcissist’s manipulative tactics.

Look for experience with domestic abuse and coercive control as well as high-conflict divorce. Resources built for coercive control apply equally well. In the legal domain they are considerably more established than narcissism-specific ones.

Researchers also list manipulation of systems, including family courts, as a core feature of abuse after separation (Spearman et al., 2023).

Expect an Increase in Abusive and Manipulative Behaviors

Once your partner learns that you are planning to divorce them, they may initially try to win you back through love bombing and hoovering.

However, when they realize you are moving forward with the split, they can become contentious, hostile, and antagonistic. They might refuse to sign the divorce papers, attempt to ruin your reputation, harass you, or verbally, financially, and/or physically abuse you.

This escalation has a name: narcissistic rage. It is an intense, explosive reaction to a perceived threat to their self-esteem or control.

Hoovering means trying to draw you back in. Beyond love bombing, documented tactics include apologies and claims of having changed, flattery, and guilt-tripping, such as saying you have “ruined their life.”

Some partners claim to be in crisis or to have had an accident, to win your sympathy. Others invoke shared memories to trigger nostalgia.

Be Prepared

Here are some steps you can take to minimize risks during the divorce process:

• Collect as much evidence of their wrongdoings as possible, as you might need it later.
• Going forward, record conversations and make detailed notes of your interactions.
• Protect your assets, secure your finances, and safeguard any important documents and valuables.
• If you have a shared bank account, ensure you have cash stowed away. Consider opening a separate bank account that they cannot access.
• Make arrangements for your children. Develop a parenting plan that prioritizes their needs and minimizes conflict.
• Minimize direct contact with the narcissistic spouse as much as possible. Try to find a new place to stay during the divorce process.
• Sign out of your social media and email accounts on all devices and change your passwords.
• Check your devices, clothes, shoes, and car for trackers.
• Maintain your composure and avoid reacting emotionally to their provocations.
• Create a safety plan and involve people you trust.
• Pack an emergency bag with essentials in case you need to leave quickly.
• Arrange a safe place to stay in advance, and do not tell your partner where it is.

Remember Why You Are Leaving

Their efforts to win you back might make you doubt your decision to divorce them. But you must accept that they will never genuinely change.

Be very clear in your mind about why you decided to leave and stay focused on that. It might be helpful to make a list and keep it somewhere you will see every day.

Try the “friend question” as well. Imagine a close friend described the same experiences to you. Would leaving still seem like the wrong call, or would the cost to their self-esteem and confidence outweigh whatever is keeping them there?

Establish Boundaries

During the divorce process, you should establish boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and mentally. Communicate these boundaries clearly to your spouse.

They will likely overstep your boundaries, but you must stay strong and stick to them, no matter what.

Limit your communication to essential matters related to the divorce and avoid engaging in unnecessary conversations.

Stay Calm and Composed

Narcissists thrive on conflict and drama. They enjoy getting an emotional reaction out of others. Try to maintain your composure so you do not give them this satisfaction.

Avoid rolling your eyes, sighing, yelling, arguing, or crying. Try to be “boring” in the eyes of the narcissist, so they lose interest in you.

Stick to the facts and remain focused on your legal goals.

Look After Yourself

Divorcing a narcissist can be an incredibly draining and stressful process. Not only is it essential to have a strong support system, but you also want to ensure that you are making time for yourself.

Engage in activities that you enjoy. This could include exercising, meditating, going to yoga, taking long walks, spending time in nature, reading a book, or spending time with friends and family.

Consider seeking help from a support group and/or therapist for emotional support and coping strategies.

How Does a Narcissist Behave During Divorce?

During divorce, narcissists can exhibit a wide variety of behaviors, from passive aggression to vicious attacks. This makes the process exceptionally challenging for everyone involved.

Depending on their personality and the type of narcissist they are, their tactics might be openly abusive or more subtle. Here are some common behaviors you may experience when divorcing a narcissist:

• Controlling Behavior: Withholding information, “losing” documents, and refusing to sign papers or negotiate.
• Abuse: Escalating disputes at the discard stage, which makes custody, property, and alimony harder to settle.
• Manipulation: Gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional blackmail, and portraying themselves as the victim.
• Financial Manipulation: Hiding assets, distorting financial information, or claiming entitlement to your money.
• Smear Campaign: Spreading rumors or distorted accounts to damage your reputation.
• Fake Kindness: Appearing kind and loving to regain your trust, usually to gain money, reputation, or the children.

Controlling Behavior

Narcissism is associated with an excessive need for control. To maintain control over you and the divorce process, a narcissist might withhold important information, “lose” documents, or refuse to sign papers. They may also be uncooperative in the proceedings.

They might also engage in legal maneuvers to prolong the divorce process or gain an upper hand.

They see negotiations as a challenge to their power and authority, so they tend to resist any concessions or collaborative efforts.

Abuse

It is often at the end of the relationship, during the discard phase, that a narcissist intensifies their abusive behavior.

Narcissists have antagonistic personalities, and they thrive on drama and conflict. They may escalate disputes during the divorce process, making reaching agreements on important issues like child custody, property division, and alimony more challenging.

Manipulation 

To maintain dominance, narcissists often use manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, emotional blackmail, and victim-playing. For example, they might tell you they will hurt themselves if you leave.

A small interview study of seven people with partners they perceived as narcissistic shows how convincing gaslighting can feel (Green & Charles, 2019). It is illustrative testimony, not a representative survey. One participant, given the pseudonym Elisabeth, said:

“He would tell me what the reality was and he was so convinced in his arguments that I would sort of accept his reality as my own . . . I felt like I was part of his reality to the point where I didn’t even have my own thoughts anymore.”

Elisabeth, quoted in Green & Charles (2019)

Additionally, narcissists have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions. They may blame their spouse for the divorce and portray themselves as the victim, seeking sympathy and support from others.

Alternatively, they might stonewall or cut you out of their life entirely, complicating the divorce proceedings even more.

Financial Manipulation

If you have shared finances, make sure your money is safe. As a way to exert control, play games, or take revenge, a narcissist might try to steal your money or belongings.

They may hide assets or distort financial information to gain an advantage in the divorce settlement. Control over your finances may be the aim.

In some cases, they might even claim they are entitled to your money and try to convince you to hand it over. Unless there was a legal pre-arrangement, do not allow them to blackmail or gaslight you into this.

Smear Campaign

To exert control and extract revenge, narcissists may attempt to tarnish your reputation and turn others against you.

They might spread rumors about how abusive, crazy, or unstable you are, while painting themselves as the victim. Narcissists care how others perceive them. So they may work to protect their own public image while discrediting their spouse to friends, family, and the broader community.

Anything you have told them in confidence might be revealed, exaggerated, or twisted to suit their own agenda.

Fake Kindness

A narcissist might behave in a kind and loving manner toward you to gain your trust. But, their motive is usually to get close so they can steal your money, tarnish your reputation, or turn your kids against you.

There will likely be a stark contrast between what they say to your face and how they behave behind your back.

They will distort or deny reality. The aim is to make you doubt your perceptions, memory, or sanity.

Additionally, after the divorce is finalized, some narcissists may attempt to reestablish contact or “hoover” you, especially if they feel they no longer have control.

Abuse After Separation

Divorce does not reliably end a controlling partner’s behavior. Researchers call this post-separation abuse. It is coercive and controlling behavior that continues after the relationship has ended.

Spearman et al. (2023) conducted a concept analysis, a structured review that defines what a term covers.

They searched literature from 1987 to 2021 across three databases.

They identified fear and intimidation, domination and control, intrusion and entrapment, omnipresence, and manipulation of systems (including family courts) as its essential attributes. Lethality, adverse health outcomes, and loss of child custody are among the consequences.

The control can reach into your job. Harassment and stalking are named features of post-separation abuse (Spearman et al., 2023). Stalking can continue, and even intensify, after separation (Stark & Hester, 2019).

If a former partner monitors or contacts you at work, consider involving workplace security or HR.

These tactics are not unique to narcissistic partners. Stark and Hester (2019) reviewed coercive control. They report that the level of control a partner exerts, rather than physical violence alone, predicts outcomes including post-separation violence and sexual assault.

So safety planning, legal help, and therapy built for coercive control are just as relevant here, even if narcissism is only part of the picture.

How Does a Narcissist Feel After Divorce?

The way a narcissist feels after a divorce can vary depending on their personality and coping mechanisms. However, several common reactions or emotions may arise in narcissists following a divorce:

• Anger and Resentment: Anger when they feel wronged or have lost control, sometimes resenting your happiness.
• Loss of Control: Emotional outbursts, or attempts to reconnect and regain a sense of superiority.
• Playing the Victim: Blaming you, the legal system, or others instead of accepting responsibility.
• Desire for Revenge: Dwelling on grievances and sometimes acting to damage your reputation, relationships, or work.
• Relief: Occasionally, because they were unhappy too, though they still want the upper hand.

Anger and Resentment

Narcissists will likely feel angry and resentful after a divorce. This is especially true if they feel they have lost control or were “wronged.”

Leaving a narcissist is likely to be interpreted as a provocation. It threatens their grandiose and superior sense of self. They will direct this anger towards you or others they believe contributed to the divorce.

They will resent you for being happier without them and might attempt to sabotage your friendships, relationships, careers, or property.

Loss of Control

Narcissists need to feel in control of their environment and the people in it. If the divorce is not on their terms, they may experience this as a loss of control.

This can trigger emotional outbursts. It can also prompt attempts to regain a sense of superiority. Some narcissists may even try to reconnect with you after the divorce, either to rekindle the relationship or to regain control.

Playing the Victim

For a narcissist, accepting that they are anything less than perfect is reprehensible. Narcissists typically have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions, specifically the breakdown of a relationship.

They may blame you, the legal system, or anyone else for the divorce, deflecting accountability away from themselves.

They might even portray themselves as the victim. The aim is to make you believe you are the problem and the reason the relationship is failing.

The same study shows the victim role at work (Green & Charles, 2019). Another participant, given the pseudonym Danielle, said:

“He would never admit that ‘I never want to lose you’ but I think he was so afraid of losing me that he turned into the victim just to keep me.”

Danielle, quoted in Green & Charles (2019)

Desire for Revenge

A desire for revenge is consistent with research linking vulnerable narcissism to a tendency to ruminate over past grievances (Zajenkowski et al., 2021). Divorce feels like a threat to their grandiose self-esteem and perceived dominance, inciting feelings of anger and resentment.

To maintain their self-esteem and superiority, narcissists tend to devise (and act on) plans to take revenge. They might hide your passport or steal your pet. Some call your boss to get you fired. Others spread rumors, make false accusations, or attempt to tarnish your reputation.

Relief

In some cases, a narcissist might actually feel relieved about the end of a relationship. They too may have been unhappy in the marriage and considered divorce.

However, they likely will still want to have the upper hand, making the process difficult and draining.

Divorcing a Narcissist When Children Are Involved

If you have children with a narcissist, they will inevitably become entangled in the divorce procedure. The narcissist may try to gain sole custody, use the children as leverage, or try to turn them against you.

Divorcing a narcissist when children are involved needs careful planning. The aim is to protect the children’s well-being while dealing with a high-conflict personality.

This process can be frightening, upsetting, and infuriating, but the best course of action is to establish boundaries, seek legal advice, and prioritize the children.

Family Courts and Controlling Parents

A controlling parent can look very different in a courtroom than at home.

Katz et al. (2020) interviewed 29 children of fathers who used coercive control, in the UK and Finland. They analyzed the accounts by theme.

They found a pattern they call “admirable fathering.” A father presented himself as caring, concerned, or a vulnerable victim to professionals and communities.

That image hid his continued control from the very systems meant to protect the children.

The case example below shows a similar shift. The father was cooperative and charming with the social worker until custody was refused. Then he barged into her office in a rage.

This is why evaluators and judges benefit from training that treats a calm, cooperative courtroom presentation as, at most, weak evidence against coercive control.

How to Safeguard the Well-Being of Children

Children of a narcissistic parent have likely suffered significant abuse and trauma. Even so, they most likely still love and look up to that parent. The divorce should be handled with care, support, and communication.

Here is some advice to help you through the process:

Maintain Emotional Stability

You may be feeling angry, frustrated, and anxious, but you must remain calm, composed, and neutral. If your children ask questions, use neutral and objective language to reduce the stress they may be experiencing.

Do not shut them out or keep secrets from them. It is important to communicate openly with your children. Just be mindful of your words and tone.

Consider Therapy

Therapy may help your children make sense of the situation, cope with the changes, and manage any emotional distress.

Do not lean on your children for emotional support. Instead, consider seeing a therapist yourself, who can help you navigate the challenges of co-parenting with your narcissistic ex-spouse.

Minimize Disruption

As much as possible, try to keep the children’s routines and rules in place to reduce further disruption to their lives.

Their routine and environment will inevitably change. Keeping boundaries and rules in place will give them some consistency.

Evidence Check: Is Narcissism Linked to Partner Aggression?

Verdict: Supported with qualifications.

Several independent meta-analyses link narcissism to aggression, including aggression toward an intimate partner.

The associations are weak to moderate and rest mostly on self-report. The estimate for physical partner violence is small and imprecise.

Oliver et al. (2023) offer the most direct test. Their systematic review and meta-analysis pooled 22 studies (N = 11,520) on trait narcissism and intimate partner violence perpetration.

They found a weak positive relationship (r = .15, 95% CI [0.12, 0.19]). The link was greater for vulnerable (sometimes called covert) than for grandiose narcissism. It did not differ between men and women.

The size varied by type of violence. Psychological violence (r = .18) and cyber violence (r = .22) were significant. Physical violence was small and imprecise (r = .06, 95% CI [-.00, .12]).

A larger meta-analysis by Kjærvik and Bushman (2021) pooled 437 independent studies. It linked narcissism to aggression in general (r = .26).

The link was stronger under provocation (r = .29) than without it (r = .12). That is compatible with the escalation described above.

These findings show an association, not a cause.

Most variation in partner aggression is unrelated to narcissism, and the meta-analyses draw on overlapping studies. Oliver et al. also report high heterogeneity (I2 = 86.42), so the studies differ considerably.

Whether the form of violence matters is unsettled.

An earlier meta-analysis of personality disorders (Collison & Lynam, 2021) is reported to show no significant difference by violence type.

The advice in this guide on how narcissists behave during divorce comes from qualitative and case accounts, which these meta-analyses do not test.

Treat narcissism as one associated factor, not a proven cause of abuse.

Case Example

The following is a real case of divorce featured in a study by Cohen (1998). This example describes what happened after a mother of two divorced her husband who had a narcissistic personality.

“Custody was awarded to the mother, with the father getting the usual visiting rights of two afternoons a week and alternate weekends. Over the next two years, the father repeatedly turned to the court to extend his access. His first suit was for more visiting days and was denied.

Six months later (the minimum time Israeli law requires between such suits), he sued again, this time for custody. This suit was also denied. Half a year later he returned to the court with the claim that his ex-wife was refusing to let him see the children.

In the examination that followed, it was determined that, in fact, the children themselves did not want to see him because he had threatened that if they told the judge that they wanted to live with their mother, he would cut his ties with them.

His last suit, to our knowledge, came around two years after the divorce. It was a request for a court ordered parental aptitude test, to determine whether he or his wife was the better parent.

This test, which is carried out by court-appointed psychologists, determined that the mother had the greater parental aptitude. Upon receipt of the test results, he disappeared from his children’s lives, and we too heard no more of him.

These suits—for more visiting days, for custody, and for parental aptitude tests—were all made against the background of sparse, irregular visits with his sons.

To be sure, his wife may have contributed somewhat to this state of affairs, since she felt threatened by his demands and, by her own admission, would have been happy to see the last of him.

But the court found no actual obstruction on her part, and the results of the parental aptitude test would seem to confirm that view. Also confirming that view is the social worker’s report that the man was willing to visit only at his convenience, with no consideration for the children’s times and other activities.

If his son could not see him, for example, because he had to study for a test or had a Scout meeting, he would accuse him of not wanting him, charge the mother with instigating the rejection, and refuse to make alternative arrangements.

Yet throughout it all, he claimed that his sons wanted to live with him, and that his wife did not cook, wash, or otherwise properly care for them.

He also repeatedly asserted that he had done “everything” in his power to meet with his sons, though when pressed to indicate what “everything” was, he either repeated the claim or took one instance of something he had done and called it “everything.”

Rather than answer the social worker’s questions, he speechified about what a good father he was, expounding at length on all that he had done for his children. He would say things like, “I’m the best thing that ever happened to my children.”

He treated the results of the parental aptitude test that he had requested as yet another piece of evidence that everyone was against him.

To the extent that he did speak of his sons, he told extensively of how much they resembled him and his side of the family, in appearance, hobbies, likes, and dislikes.

He made no reference to their sadness, which the social worker observed in her meeting with them, or to their anger at him, about which they had told her. His conduct towards the social worker varied with the changing circumstances.

Initially, she reported, he was cooperative and charming in his efforts to win her over to his side. He asked her to recommend that he receive custody and to convince the court that the children would be better off in his charge.

When custody was not granted, he barged into her office in a rage, blamed her for the adverse decision, and assured her that he had no intention of dropping the matter.”  

References

Cohen, O. (1998). Parental narcissism and the disengagement of the non-custodial father after divorce. Clinical Social Work Journal, 26(2), 195–215. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1022823102590

Collison, K. L., & Lynam, D. R. (2021). Personality disorders as predictors of intimate partner violence: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 88, Article 102047. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102047

Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation. SAGE Open, 9(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693

Katz, E., Nikupeteri, A., & Laitinen, M. (2020). When coercive control continues to harm children: Post-separation fathering, stalking and domestic violence. Child Abuse Review, 29(4), 310–324. https://doi.org/10.1002/car.2611

Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 147(5), 477–503. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000323

Oliver, E., Coates, A., Bennett, J. M., & Willis, M. L. (2023). Narcissism and intimate partner violence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(3), 1871–1884. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231196115

Spearman, K. J., Hardesty, J. L., & Campbell, J. (2023). Post-separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 79(4), 1225–1246. https://doi.org/10.1111/jan.15310

Stark, E., & Hester, M. (2019). Coercive control: Update and review. Violence Against Women, 25(1), 81–104. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801218816191

Zajenkowski, M., Rogoza, R., Maciantowicz, O., Witowska, J., & Jonason, P. K. (2021). Narcissus locked in the past: Vulnerable narcissism and the negative views of the past. Journal of Research in Personality, 93, Article 104123. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2021.104123