Covert Narcissist

A covert narcissist, also known as a vulnerable or introverted narcissist, displays narcissistic traits less overtly than a grandiose or overt narcissist.

While typical types of narcissistic behaviors are described as more overt or extroverted, narcissism does not always present itself in an extroverted manner.

Covert narcissists share the goals of overt narcissists: they crave attention and power over others. Their methods are more subtle. That makes them harder for other people to spot.

Signs and Traits 

Recognizing a covert narcissist can be challenging due to their subtle behaviors. Here are several key signs to look for:

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Covert narcissists rarely express anger openly. Instead, they rely on passive-aggressive tactics such as silent treatments, indirect insults, and subtle sabotage of others’ efforts.

This indirect hostility allows them to maintain an appearance of innocence while still controlling or hurting others.

Sarcasm and hurtful “jokes” belong on the same list. Each lets the narcissist wound someone while keeping a straight face.

Despite their outward fragility, covert narcissists can also manipulate actively. Their toolkit includes stonewalling, playing the victim and emotional blackmail, such as threatening self-harm if a partner tries to leave. These tactics win sympathy, attention or compliance.

Sensitivity to Criticism

Due to their fragile self-esteem, covert narcissists react negatively to criticism, even when constructive.

They may respond with defensiveness, sarcasm, or subtle dismissiveness, turning the blame back onto the critic and portraying themselves as misunderstood victims.

The reaction can be out of all proportion. A poor performance review might lead a covert narcissist to plot privately against their boss. Hostility and resentment often follow.

A partner who questions an outfit choice might set off an outsized explosion of rage.

Victim Mentality

One hallmark of covert narcissism is a persistent victim mentality. Covert narcissists often portray themselves as wronged or misunderstood by others.

They may frequently complain about being undervalued or overlooked, seeking reassurance and sympathy to bolster their self-image.

Clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula, who writes and speaks widely on narcissism and narcissistic abuse recovery, explains:

“Their validation seeking consists of a lot of sort of gloomy sharing what they believe their unseen gifts and skills and contributions are… they really walk around saying the world is against me.”

Envy and Resentment

Although covert narcissists outwardly appear supportive, they are often secretly envious and resentful of others’ successes or possessions.

They may minimize or subtly diminish others’ achievements to alleviate their own feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

Overt narcissists demand admiration openly. Covert narcissists chase the same ego boost indirectly. They may fish for compliments, exaggerate their accomplishments or boast to counteract an underlying sense of inadequacy.

Manipulation and Creating Confusion

Covert narcissists excel at emotional manipulation. Common tactics include gaslighting, where they cause others to question their perceptions or memories.

They often create confusion, leaving victims doubting their own feelings and judgments, which makes covert narcissists difficult to confront.

‘He would tell me what the reality was and he justified it so well and he was so convinced in his arguments that I would sort of accept his reality as my own . . . I felt like I was part of his reality to the point where I didn’t even have my own thoughts anymore.’ 

Elizabeth – (Green & Charles, 2019).

Emotional Instability

A fragile sense of self and a deep fear of rejection make covert narcissists emotionally unstable. Frequent mood swings and emotional turmoil are common. Many also struggle to regulate their emotions, which can extend to poor mental health and suicidal thoughts.

The people around them often feel they are walking on eggshells. They fear giving an honest opinion, second-guess everything they say and live with constant low-level unease.

Inconsistent Public and Private Personas

A significant discrepancy exists between how covert narcissists behave publicly versus privately.

In public, they may seem charming, empathetic, and accommodating, while privately, they can be dismissive, manipulative, or emotionally distant.

They are often skilled at making positive public impressions. 

Perhaps they go above and beyond for others. In private, however, they may be dismissive, resentful, unkind, and have questionable morals. 

“They may actually end up becoming very attuned to you in the beginning of the relationship and a lot of people mistake that attunement as intense empathy and connection.”

Dr Ramani, Clinical Psychologist

Other Signs to Look For

A few further behaviors round out the picture:

• Emotional distance: They find it hard to connect with others on an emotional level.
• Cutting remarks: They may say things like “your work is unimportant” or “you are worthless.”
• Jealousy games: Some flirt or have affairs specifically to provoke jealousy in a partner.
• Conditional kindness: They are loving and kind only when it suits them.
• Indecisiveness: Chronic indecision is common.

Everyone shows some of these traits occasionally, especially under stress. What marks covert narcissism, and ultimately narcissistic personality disorder, is that the pattern is persistent and causes real distress or impairment.

Early Warning Signs of Covert Narcissism

Christina, who is a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, outlined 6 ways in which you can identify a covert narcissist early on:

1. Beware if they act like they know you incredibly well after just meeting. This could be a sign they are forcing a connection and love-bombing you.
2. Pay attention to how they treat service staff like waiters or cashiers. If they are pushy, entitled or rude, it is a major red flag for narcissism.
3. Notice if their friendly behavior hides a focus mostly on themselves. For example, they may steer conversations back to themselves or brag after complimenting you.
4. Question if their claims of being caring and empathetic match their actual behavior. Subtle signs of callousness or lack of compassion could indicate a lack of empathy.
5. Watch for evasiveness about their past or shifts in storytelling. Actively avoiding details that make them look bad could mean they are hiding the truth.
6. Look for glimpses of contempt, either on their face or in their words. Since contempt reveals their true feelings, any traces of it could expose their narcissism even during the initial love-bombing.

Overt vs. Covert Narcissism

The core is the same. Both types are entitled and lack empathy. Covert narcissists simply pursue attention, admiration and power through insecurity and sensitivity rather than swagger.

Wink (1991) put this split on an empirical footing. He analyzed six narcissism scales and found two largely independent factors: grandiosity-exhibitionism and vulnerability-sensitivity. Both shared a core of conceit, self-indulgence and disregard for others.

Miller and colleagues (2011) confirmed the two factors across three widely used narcissism questionnaires. The types shared only their antagonistic core. On almost every other measure of adjustment and temperament, they differed.

That pattern has since reappeared so consistently that it now organizes most research on narcissism (Cain et al., 2008).

On the Five-Factor Model, a framework of five broad personality dimensions, the covert profile combines three traits:

• Low agreeableness: Anger, hostility and opposition toward others.
• Low extraversion: Shy, reserved and withdrawn on the surface.
• High neuroticism: A strong tendency toward anxiety, depression and irritability.

Below are some of the differences between covert and overt narcissists:

Overt Narcissist	Covert Narcissist
Extroverted, outgoing	Introverted, withdrawn
Easily identifiable due to loud, arrogant behavior	Difficult to identify due to subtle behaviors
Direct, openly critical, rude, and sarcastic	Subtle, passive-aggressive, indirect criticism
Rarely apologizes, little concern for others’ feelings	Frequently uses insincere apologies to gain sympathy
Openly demands admiration and attention	Subtly seeks validation, often appears insecure or undervalued
Brags openly about accomplishments, conveys superiority explicitly	Appears insecure, victimizes self, subtly complains about being underappreciated

Causes and Psychological Background of Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissism often traces back to childhood experiences that disrupt healthy emotional development. No single cause explains it.

Childhood Experiences and Temperament

Attachment theory suggests that children raised with inconsistent, unresponsive, or emotionally neglectful caregiving may fail to develop a secure sense of self-worth.

Without steady warmth and empathy from parents, a child can feel invisible or inadequate, coping by retreating into fantasies of being special or powerful. These early adaptations lay the groundwork for narcissistic traits.

Inconsistent parenting, emotional neglect and traumatic experiences can all contribute. So can excessive or smothering attention.

Children who alternate between lavish praise and harsh criticism are especially likely to develop an unstable sense of self. The resulting confusion can push them toward narcissistic traits as a way of coping.

Whether a child develops the covert or the overt form seems to depend on two things:

• Sense of self: How strong the child’s sense of self is.
• Extraversion: The child’s level of extraversion.

Introversion and extraversion have a biological, heritable basis, while narcissism itself develops largely through environment. An introverted child who also suffers maltreatment is therefore more likely to develop the covert form than the overt one.

Psychodynamic Theories of Covert Narcissism

Heinz Kohut’s self-psychology theory proposes that a lack of parental empathy during development stunts the child’s ability to maintain healthy self-esteem (Kohut, 1966).

In his account, the child’s early hunger for admiration never settles into stable self-esteem, because no caregiver responded to it with enough empathy. McLean (2007) shows the model at work in therapy.

The result is an adult who swings between feelings of inferiority and an inflated sense of superiority, depending on others for validation.

Psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg (1975) reached a similar conclusion. He argued that a cold or critical upbringing can lead a child to build an inflated self-image as a defense. That image masks deep shame and insecurity.

The two theories map onto the two types:

• Kohut: His shame-prone, depleted patient resembles the covert narcissist.
• Kernberg: His envious, devaluing grandiose self resembles the overt narcissist.

In essence, covert narcissism emerges as an adaptation to early emotional wounds: an outward appearance of specialness and confidence conceals the lingering feelings of inadequacy formed in childhood.

Covert Narcissism and the DSM-5

Covert narcissism describes a presentation of narcissistic traits that sits on a continuum. At one end are a few mild traits. At the other is the diagnosable extreme, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Having some covert traits does not mean someone has NPD. A diagnosis requires a persistent pattern that causes significant distress or impairment.

Is Covert Narcissism in the DSM-5?

The DSM-5 is the manual clinicians use to diagnose mental disorders. Its criteria for NPD describe a largely grandiose picture: an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration and exploitativeness.

That can leave covert narcissism under-recognized (Caligor et al., 2015).

Patients whose narcissism shows up as anxiety, depression or hypersensitivity may be treated for those surface symptoms alone.

The DSM-5 has a second approach. Section III offers an Alternative Model for Personality Disorders. It rates personality functioning and traits on a spectrum, not a fixed symptom count (Skodol et al., 2014). It also acknowledges both grandiose and vulnerable presentations.

Some of its traits sit closer to vulnerability. Examples are hostility and emotional lability (rapid mood shifts).

Dedicated questionnaires were developed to detect the vulnerable side that the standard criteria can miss. The Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale (Hendin & Cheek, 1997) is one example. Only a trained clinician can diagnose. Self-diagnosis should be avoided.

Narcissism vs Confidence

Confident people are not narcissists, even when the two look alike. A covert narcissist’s self-worth is fragile and depends on other people’s validation. Four differences stand out:

• Focus: Narcissists are self-focused, while confident people can consider others’ wellbeing.
• Attention: Narcissists constantly crave attention and affirmation, while confident people rarely need to prove themselves.
• Treatment of others: Narcissists tend to exploit and manipulate others, while confident people try to lift others up.
• Accountability: Narcissists rarely admit fault, while confident people more readily take responsibility.

Can Covert Narcissism Be Treated?

Narcissism tends to stay fairly stable over time, which makes it genuinely difficult to treat. How treatable it is depends on where someone sits between mild traits and full NPD.

Someone with lower levels can change if they gain insight, put in the work and genuinely want to. Therapy and structured support can guide that process.

Personality disorders such as NPD are harder to treat. The right combination of therapy and, where appropriate, medication can make symptoms and behaviors more manageable.

People are rarely simply cured. The realistic goal is to live with the pattern while building more workable relationships.

Ellison and colleagues (2013) followed outpatients receiving a range of psychotherapies. Those scoring higher on narcissistic vulnerability had more co-occurring depression and panic. Grandiose patients were more likely to quit treatment early.

Contemporary Research

Bonfá-Araujo and Schermer (2024) ran a scoping review and meta-analysis of the “Vulnerable Dark Triad.” It is a proposed cluster of vulnerable narcissism, borderline personality features and secondary psychopathy (psychopathic traits tied to emotional instability). They pooled the correlations reported across the published studies.

All three traits were substantially intercorrelated:

• Borderline features: Vulnerable narcissism correlated with them at r = .56.
• Secondary psychopathy: Vulnerable narcissism correlated with it at r = .44.
• Common thread: Emotional instability ran through all three traits.

Jauk and colleagues (2017) tested 1,006 people from the general population. Once they accounted for basic introversion and extraversion, the two types shared a clearer common core. The link between them also grew much stronger at higher overall levels of narcissism.

Pincus and Lukowitsky (2010) make a related clinical argument. Grandiosity and vulnerability are themes that one person can swing between, not fixed types.

Why a Checklist Cannot Diagnose

Hypersensitivity, mood instability, fear of abandonment and a persistent sense of emptiness are not unique to covert narcissism. Several conditions share them, and each is treated differently.

The overlap with borderline features is large enough that the two cannot be reliably told apart from behavior alone. Only a qualified clinician assessing the whole person can responsibly separate them.

Online checklists and quizzes also tend to treat covert narcissism as a fixed label that someone either has or lacks. Research does not support that view.

Foster and Campbell (2007) tested this with a taxometric analysis, a statistical test of whether a trait forms a distinct category. Using a widely used narcissism questionnaire, they found narcissism is spread continuously across the population. There is no natural group of “narcissists.”

This does not make covert narcissism unreal. It means the signs in this article are best read as a spectrum of traits, not as a verdict.

Dealing With a Covert Narcissist

It can be incredibly difficult to manage if you suspect someone in your life is a covert narcissist.

The person with narcissism could be a parent or other family member, a friend, a co-worker, or a romantic partner.

You may not be able to control the narcissist’s actions. You can control how you deal and communicate with them, so you are not negatively affected by what they do.

What is most important when dealing with a covert narcissist is to keep yourself safe, not to provoke them or do anything that could put you in a vulnerable position.

Relationships With a Covert Narcissist

A relationship with a covert narcissist can be challenging, emotionally exhausting and confusing. It is not impossible. But it depends on both people understanding the dynamics and working toward healthier patterns.

Partners of covert narcissists should expect:

• Mood swings: Extreme shifts in mood are common.
• Pressure to fix them: The narcissist expects you to “fix” or “save” them.
• Rage at criticism: Disagreement may provoke anger, either openly through shouting or quietly through stonewalling.
• Walking on eggshells: Many partners describe constantly watching what they say.

Offering endless reassurance or giving in to escalating demands tends to reinforce the pattern. It does not resolve it.

Over time, the dynamic can erode a partner’s self-esteem. Subtle manipulation, such as gaslighting, can leave them questioning their own thoughts, feelings and even sanity.

A covert narcissist can feel love. But their love is shaped by insecurity and a need for validation, so it centers on their own emotional needs rather than their partner’s wellbeing.

Stay Calm

Remain emotionally neutral during interactions to avoid giving them power over your emotional state.

If they provoke you, respond calmly, saying things like, “I understand your point, but I’d prefer to discuss this later when we’re both calmer.”

Remember their manipulative behavior is about their insecurities, not you.

Maintain healthy boundaries

As covert narcissists have no issue with exploiting others, they do not have healthy boundaries.

Thus, the people in their lives need to put boundaries in for them.

Boundaries tell people what you value. They also show the narcissist that their tactics are not working.

You could say: “I won’t be able to continue this conversation if you keep raising your voice.” Consistently enforce these boundaries to signal your self-respect and limits clearly.

Create a support system

When dealing with someone who is a covert narcissist, it is important to have a support system outside of the relationship.

Narcissists may manipulate emotionally and cause confusion. Talking things through with people outside the relationship can give you a more realistic view of what is true.

This can help with any self-doubt you may have due to being manipulated.

‘As I became more independent, going to work, making more friends, I started to distance a bit more from him and see that not everyone hated me, and actually, some people thought I was good company, so my self-esteem started to build a little more.’

‘Georgia,’ 32

Educate yourself

Educating yourself on narcissism can help you understand the covert narcissists’ strengths and weaknesses, so you can learn to manage the relationship better.

Learn what covert narcissists want. Then you can spot the tactics they use to get it, such as maintaining control. That makes it easier to ensure they are not using you as a power source.

‘Research about abuse and narcissism helped me learn that this situation would never change. When you realize and educate yourself, you start to accept the situation for what it is and learn the only way to be happy is to leave.’

‘Georgia,’ 32

The grey rock method

This is a technique where you deliberately act disengaged so that a narcissist loses interest in you. 

The more you give attention to a narcissist (e.g., arguing with them), the more they thrive. Grey rock means that you cut off that supply the narcissists want.

“Grey rock is an incredibly unsettling experience for them (narcissists). Many people believe that to overpower a narcissist, you should call them out on their stuff, you should call them names, you should fight as hard and as dirty as them. Nothing could be farther from the truth.” 

Dr Ramani, Clinical Psychologist.

Healthy communication

When necessary, gently point out inappropriate behaviors with empathy to avoid aggressive backlash.

For instance, “I noticed you seemed upset earlier. Is there something you’d like to discuss calmly now?”

Acknowledging their feelings without endorsing their negative behavior can help diffuse tension and encourage better self-regulation.

Create a healthy distance

Separating yourself can be difficult, depending on who the covert narcissist is. Even so, it can be important to create some distance when the opportunity arises. What works depends on the relationship:

• Work colleague: Ask to work in a different location from them.
• Parent you live with: Spend the night at a friend’s house for some space.
• Someone you rarely see: Limit interactions as much as possible, or cut off all contact in a safe way.

When a Covert Narcissist Is Exposed

Being confronted or exposed, for instance for lying or abuse, can make a covert narcissist explosive. They are very sensitive to criticism.

When their ego feels under attack, they will usually not take responsibility. That attack on the ego is called narcissistic injury.

Common reactions include gaslighting tactics, such as flatly denying wrongdoing or shifting the blame onto others. Some also call the other person hurtful words such as “crazy” or turn emotionally hostile.

When You Leave a Covert Narcissist

Narcissists generally dislike losing, so they often resist letting a partner go. They may promise to change or try to guilt the other person into staying.

Some turn the blame back with lines such as “You will be lost without me” or “You’ll never find someone like me again.”

Even after the relationship ends, they may keep seeking attention. They may send repeated messages that justify their past behavior and cast them as the victim.

Cutting off contact is commonly recommended. It stops you falling back into the same tactics.

If you need to talk to someone…

These services offer confidential support:

• USA: If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential assistance from trained advocates: 1-800-799-7233.
• UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247 (run by Refuge). Website: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
• UK, men: The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors, 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect).
• UK, under 25s: The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK, 0808 808 4994.
• UK, LGBT+: National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop).
• UK, women and children: Women’s Aid is a national charity working to end domestic abuse against women and children. It is a federation of over 180 organizations providing just under 300 lifesaving services across England.

Further Information

These sources cover narcissism and its clinical features in more depth:

• Yakeley, J. (2018). Current understanding of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. BJPsych advances, 24(5), 305-315.
• Baskin-Sommers, A., Krusemark, E., & Ronningstam, E. (2014). Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 5(3), 323.
• Kohut, H. (1966). Forms and transformations of narcissism. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic association, 14(2), 243-272.
• Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(4), 590.
• Stinson, F. S., Dawson, D. A., Goldstein, R. B., Chou, S. P., Huang, B., Smith, S. M., … & Grant, B. F. (2008). Prevalence, correlates, disability, and comorbidity of DSM-IV narcissistic personality disorder: results from the wave 2 national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 69(7), 1033-1045.
• Ronningstam, E. (2010). Narcissistic personality disorder: A current review. Current psychiatry reports, 12(1), 68-75.
• Caligor, E., Levy, K. N., & Yeomans, F. E. (2015). Narcissistic personality disorder: Diagnostic and clinical challenges. American Journal of Psychiatry, 172(5), 415-422.
• Dhawan, N., Kunik, M. E., Oldham, J., & Coverdale, J. (2010). Prevalence and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder in the community: a systematic review. Comprehensive psychiatry, 51(4), 333-339.

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