A covert narcissist, also known as a vulnerable or introverted narcissist, displays narcissistic traits less overtly than a grandiose or overt narcissist.
While typical types of narcissistic behaviors are described as more overt or extroverted, narcissism does not always present itself in an extroverted manner.
Covert narcissists have all the same goals as overt narcissists, such as craving attention and power over others, but their methods of doing this are more subtle, and they may be less obvious to others.
Signs and behaviors of Covert Narcissists
Recognizing a covert narcissist can be challenging due to their subtle behaviors. Here are several key signs to look for:
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Covert narcissists rarely express anger openly. Instead, they rely on passive-aggressive tactics such as silent treatments, indirect insults, and subtle sabotage of others’ efforts.
This indirect hostility allows them to maintain an appearance of innocence while still controlling or hurting others.
Sensitivity to Criticism
Due to their fragile self-esteem, covert narcissists react negatively to criticism, even when constructive.
They may respond with defensiveness, sarcasm, or subtle dismissiveness, turning the blame back onto the critic and portraying themselves as misunderstood victims.
Victim Mentality
One hallmark of covert narcissism is a persistent victim mentality. Covert narcissists often portray themselves as wronged or misunderstood by others.
They may frequently complain about being undervalued or overlooked, seeking reassurance and sympathy to bolster their self-image.
Dr Ramani, who is a clinical psychologist, explains:
“Their validation seeking consists of a lot of sort of gloomy sharing what they believe their unseen gifts and skills and contributions are… they really walk around saying the world is against me.”
Envy and Resentment
Although covert narcissists outwardly appear supportive, they are often secretly envious and resentful of others’ successes or possessions.
They may minimize or subtly diminish others’ achievements to alleviate their own feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.
Manipulation and Creating Confusion
Covert narcissists excel at emotional manipulation. Common tactics include gaslighting, where they cause others to question their perceptions or memories.
They often create confusion, leaving victims doubting their own feelings and judgments, which makes covert narcissists difficult to confront.
‘He would tell me what the reality was and he justified it so well and he was so convinced in his arguments that I would sort of accept his reality as my own . . . I felt like I was part of his reality to the point where I didn’t even have my own thoughts anymore.’
Elizabeth – (Green & Charles, 2019).
Inconsistent Public and Private Personas
A significant discrepancy exists between how covert narcissists behave publicly versus privately. In public, they may seem charming, empathetic, and accommodating, while privately, they can be dismissive, manipulative, or emotionally distant.
They are often skilled at making positive public impressions. Perhaps they go above and beyond for others. In private, however, they may be dismissive, resentful, unkind, and have questionable morals.
“They may actually end up becoming very attuned to you in the beginning of the relationship and a lot of people mistake that attunement as intense empathy and connection.”
Dr Ramani, Clinical Psychologist
Early Warning Signs of Covert Narcissism
Christina, who is a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, outlined 6 ways in which you can identify a covert narcissist early on:
- Beware if they act like they know you incredibly well after just meeting. This could be a sign they are forcing a connection and love-bombing you.
- Pay attention to how they treat service staff like waiters or cashiers. If they are pushy, entitled or rude, it is a major red flag for narcissism.
- Notice if their friendly behavior hides a focus mostly on themselves. For example, they may steer conversations back to themselves or brag after complimenting you.
- Question if their claims of being caring and empathetic match their actual behavior. Subtle signs of callousness or lack of compassion could indicate a lack of empathy.
- Watch for evasiveness about their past or shifts in storytelling. Actively avoiding details that make them look bad could mean they are hiding the truth.
- Look for glimpses of contempt, either on their face or in their words. Since contempt reveals their true feelings, any traces of it could expose their narcissism even during the initial love-bombing.
Overt vs. Covert Narcissism
Below are some of the differences between covert and overt narcissists:
| Overt Narcissist | Covert Narcissist |
|---|---|
| Extroverted, outgoing | Introverted, withdrawn |
| Easily identifiable due to loud, arrogant behavior | Difficult to identify due to subtle behaviors |
| Direct, openly critical, rude, and sarcastic | Subtle, passive-aggressive, indirect criticism |
| Rarely apologizes, little concern for others’ feelings | Frequently uses insincere apologies to gain sympathy |
| Openly demands admiration and attention | Subtly seeks validation, often appears insecure or undervalued |
| Brags openly about accomplishments, conveys superiority explicitly | Appears insecure, victimizes self, subtly complains about being underappreciated |
Causes and Psychological Background of Covert Narcissists
Covert narcissism often traces back to childhood experiences that disrupt healthy emotional development.
Attachment theory suggests that children raised with inconsistent, unresponsive, or emotionally neglectful caregiving may fail to develop a secure sense of self-worth.
Without steady warmth and empathy from parents, a child can feel invisible or inadequate, coping by retreating into fantasies of being special or powerful. These early adaptations lay the groundwork for narcissistic traits.
Heinz Kohut’s self-psychology theory proposes that a lack of parental empathy during development stunts the child’s ability to maintain healthy self-esteem.
The result is an adult who swings between feelings of inferiority and an inflated sense of superiority, depending on others for validation.
Similarly, psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg observed that a cold or critical upbringing can lead a child to construct an inflated self-image as a defense, masking deep shame and insecurity.
In essence, covert narcissism emerges as an adaptation to early emotional wounds: an outward appearance of specialness and confidence conceals the lingering feelings of inadequacy formed in childhood.
Dealing With a Covert Narcissist
It can be incredibly difficult to manage if you suspect someone in your life is a covert narcissist.
The person with narcissism could be a parent or other family member, a friend, a co-worker, or a romantic partner.
Although you may not be able to control the narcissist’s actions in your life, you can control how to deal with and communicate with them so that you are not negatively affected by their actions.
What is most important when dealing with a covert narcissist is to keep yourself safe, not to provoke them or do anything that could put you in a vulnerable position.
Stay Calm
Remain emotionally neutral during interactions to avoid giving them power over your emotional state. If they provoke you, respond calmly, saying things like, “I understand your point, but I’d prefer to discuss this later when we’re both calmer.”
Remember their manipulative behavior is about their insecurities, not you.
Maintain healthy boundaries
As covert narcissists have no issue with exploiting others, they do not have healthy boundaries. Thus, the people in their lives need to put boundaries in for them.
Boundaries are a good way of letting people know your values and that you are conveying to the narcissist that their tactics are not working.
You could say: “I won’t be able to continue this conversation if you keep raising your voice.” Consistently enforce these boundaries to signal your self-respect and limits clearly.
Create a support system
When dealing with someone who is a covert narcissist, it is important to have a support system outside of the relationship.
As narcissists may emotionally manipulate and cause confusion, it is useful to talk things through with people outside of the relationship who can give a more realistic insight into what the truth is.
This can help with any self-doubt you may have due to being manipulated.
‘As I became more independent, going to work, making more friends, I started to distance a bit more from him and see that not everyone hated me, and actually, some people thought I was good company, so my self-esteem started to build a little more.’
‘Georgia,’ 32
Educate yourself
Educating yourself on narcissism can help you understand the covert narcissists’ strengths and weaknesses, so you can learn to manage the relationship better.
You can learn to understand the goals of covert narcissists so you can notice the tactics they are using to achieve this goal from you (e.g., such as maintaining control) and ensure they are not using you as a power source.
‘Research about abuse and narcissism helped me learn that this situation would never change. When you realize and education yourself, you start to accept the situation for what it is and learn the only way to be happy is to leave.’
‘Georgia,’ 32
The grey rock method
This is a technique where you deliberately act disengaged so that a narcissist loses interest in you.
The more you give attention to a narcissist (e.g., arguing with them), the more they thrive. Grey rock means that you cut off that supply the narcissists want.
“Grey rock is an incredibly unsettling experience for them (narcissists). Many people believe that to overpower a narcissist, you should call them out on their stuff, you should call them names, you should fight as hard and as dirty as them. Nothing could be farther from the truth.”
Dr Ramani, Clinical Psychologist.
Healthy communication
When necessary, gently point out inappropriate behaviors with empathy to avoid aggressive backlash.
For instance, “I noticed you seemed upset earlier. Is there something you’d like to discuss calmly now?”
Acknowledging their feelings without endorsing their negative behavior can help diffuse tension and encourage better self-regulation.
Create a healthy distance
Depending on who the covert narcissist is can make it difficult to separate yourself from them. However, it can be important to have some distance if the opportunity presents itself.
For instance, if the narcissist is a work colleague, you could request that you work in a different location from them.
If the narcissist is a parent who you live with, you could spend the night at a friend’s house for some space.
If the narcissist is someone who you do not have to see regularly or at all, you can try to limit interactions with them as much as possible or simply cut off all contact in a safe way.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between confidence and narcissism?
While narcissists are self-focused, confident people can be considerate of the well-being of others. Narcissists also constantly crave attention and affirmation, while confident people don’t usually seek to prove themselves to others.
Narcissists will usually exploit and manipulate others for their own gain, while confident people can strive to lift others up. Also, it is rare for narcissists to admit when they are at fault, while confident people are more likely to take responsibility and admit when they are wrong.
What happens when a covert narcissist is exposed?
When a covert narcissist is exposed, for instance, for lying or being abusive, they can become explosive. They are very sensitive to criticism, so if they feel their ego is being attacked, they will likely not take responsibility.
They may use gaslighting tactics such as denying doing any wrongdoing or shifting the blame onto others. They might call the other person hurtful words such as ‘crazy’ or become emotionally hostile.
What type of person attracts narcissists?
Often, narcissists want to target people who have high levels of empathy. They may be easier for narcissists to take advantage of because of their kind nature.
The empath may even believe they may be able to change the narcissist or save them. Because of this, they may be more likely to be in long-term relationships with a narcissist.
What does a narcissist do when you leave them?
As narcissists do not like to lose, they often resist letting someone leave them. They may promise to change their ways or attempt to guilt people into staying with them.
They may turn the blame onto the other person or say things such as ‘You will be lost without me’ or ‘You’ll never find someone like me again.’
Even when someone leaves a narcissist, they may find that the narcissist cannot move on. They may demand attention, such as sending loads of text messages or emails, often explaining why they behaved the way they did and how they were wronged, all ways to victimize themselves.
If this happens, it may be advisable to cut off all possible contact so they cannot fall for their tactics again.
If you need to talk to someone…
USA
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
1-800-799-7233
UK
If you want to access support over the phone, you can call:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247 – www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ (run by Refuge)
The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect )
The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK 0808 808 4994
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)
Women’s Aid is a national charity working to end domestic abuse against women and children. We are a federation of over 180 organizations providing just under 300 lifesaving services to women and children across England 1-800-799-7233
Further Information
Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism. Journal of personality and social psychology, 61(4), 590.
References
Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28 (4), 638–656.
Carter, L. (Host). (2022, September 27). How to Detect Covert Narcissism. [Audio Podcast Episode]. Surviving Narcissism with Dr. Les Carter.
Foster, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2007). Are there such things as ‘“Narcissists”’ in social psychology? A taxometric analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. Science Direct, 1321–1332.
Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation. Sage Open, 9(2), 2158244019846693.
Gunderson, J. G., Ronningstam, E., & Bodkin, A. (1990). The diagnostic interview for narcissistic patients. Archives of General Psychiatry, 47 (7), 676–680.
Kacel, E., Enis, N., & Pereira, D. (2017, August 2). Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Clinical Health Psychology Practice: Case Studies of Comorbid Psychological Distress and Life-Limiting Illness: Behavioral Medicine: Vol 43, No 3 .
Konrath, S., Meier, B. P., & Bushman, B. J. (2014). Development and Validation of the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS). PLoS ONE, 9 (8).
McLean, J. (2007). Psychotherapy with a narcissistic patient using Kohut’s self psychology model. Psychiatry (edgmont), 4(10), 40.
Skodol, A. E., Bender, D. S., & Morey, L. C. (2014). Narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 5
(4), 422.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration. (1999, May 17). Psychodynamic Therapy . Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/lib/psychodynamic-therapy
