If you’re questioning whether love is an illusion, you’re not alone.
Philosophers, biologists, psychologists, and other thinkers have asked themselves this question since the dawn of consciousness.
Your question may be the result of having had bad experiences in love, having been let down, betrayed, or left stranded.
Is love an illusion? asks whether love is a projection or creation of the mind, influenced by social, biological, and cultural factors – let’s explore:
Biology and evolution perspective
From a biological and evolutionary perspective, it could be argued that love is an illusion:
Love can be seen as a biological mechanism designed to ensure reproduction, bonding, and survival – rather than a purely emotional experience.
Love activates the same dopamine-based reward system as drug addiction. Indeed, love can feel like an addiction and thus, when we lose a loved one, we also go through withdrawal.
Some might argue that what we call love is actually a series of hormonal responses that encourage attachment and care for offspring (and therefore survival).
Evolutionary theorists like Helen Fisher have discussed that romantic love is a neurochemical process that serves a practical survival function rather than reflecting our romanticized views of love.
A counterargument for love is real:
While evolutionary biology explains how love promotes bonding and increases reproductive success, love is deeper than just survival instincts.
It’s a profoundly emotional, psychological, and spiritual experience that’s crucial to our well-being, growth, and sense of meaning in life.
Social and cultural perspective
From a social and cultural standpoint, it could be argued that love is an illusion:
What we call love is influenced by societal pressures and ideals such as the “perfect partner” or “soulmate”.
These ideals can create an illusion of a perfect love that may not match reality.
Thus, according to this view, love is an illusion because it’s based on unrealistic expectations and cultural narratives, and gets in the way of authentic, genuine connections.
A counterargument for love is real:
While love is influenced by social and cultural factors and its meaning has been hijacked by the likes of romanticism and Hollywood, it’s not merely a construct.
Society and culture influence how love is expressed and conceptualized, but love exists beyond that.
The universality of love across cultures and its biological, evolutionary, and psychological foundations demonstrate that love is a real, essential part of the human experience.
Love satisfies our fundamental human need for belonging, connection, acceptance, and intimacy. Without these, we would be lonely, depressed, anxious, and lacking purpose and drive.
Thus, love is a quintessential function and requirement to live a healthy and meaningful life.
In a world obsessed with romantic love, it’s helpful to remind ourselves that love comes in many different shapes and expressions.
There are many types of love, none more important than the others, and all with unique qualities and purposes.
The love you experience with people in your life can evolve and morph.
So a love that started with passion and physical desire may become a love based on understanding and partnership. But does that make the love any less real?
Cognitive bias
Some may argue that love is an illusion because it’s shaped by our cognitive biases:
We tend to project a fantasy onto our partner and the relationship, rather than seeing them as they truly are.
That means we see our partner in an overly positive light with a tendency to focus on their best traits and overlook flaws, especially in the early stages of dating.
As the idealized love fades, it can reveal that the experience was partly an illusion.
In this view, love is seen as a mechanism for coping with insecurities and our need for connection, rather than being an independent, pure feeling.
A counterargument for love is real:
While cognitive biases may influence our perceptions of a partner in the early stages of a relationship, enduring love transcends these initial idealizations.
Many couples maintain deep emotional bonds based on intimacy, trust, and commitment long after the honeymoon phase has ended.
Thus, love is not only a projection of idealized qualities but a genuine connection that develops and evolves over time.
That means, if there’s nothing left between two people after the honeymoon phase is over, it was probably not true love but rather passion or infatuation.
Philosophy
From a philosophical standpoint, it could be argued that love is an illusion:
Some philosophers have argued that love is an illusion in so far that it obscures rational thought and distorts our perception of reality.
Schopenhauer, for example, argued that love is “strong enough to drive many people to death, and more to the asylum,” but that no matter how real or delightful it feels, it’s an illusion installed in us to perpetuate the species.
And while love is deeply meaningful, it is a temporary and ultimately illusory experience that distracts from the more existential truth of human life (that we’re alone and impermanent).
A counterargument for love is real:
Other philosophers argue that while love is difficult and complex, it is real.
Søren Kierkegaard wrote that love is something that grounds our existence and gives life meaning and purpose.
As such, it’s far from an illusion but the very thing that makes life real.
Similarly, Erich Fromm argued that love is rooted in human nature and is necessary for creating meaningful, fulfilling lives. It’s a skill that must be learned, nurtured, and practiced.
Wellbeing: the positive effects of love
A strong argument for the existence and “realness” of love is that research has consistently found love (in all its forms) to be critical to our health, well-being, and longevity (e.g., Mertika, 2020):
- Harvard’s 85-year Study of Adult Development has revealed that love and quality relationships are the most significant predictors of happiness and life satisfaction
- Lowers blood pressure, reducing the risk of heart disease
- Oxytocin lowers cortisol and promotes relaxation, leading to better mental and physical health
- Supports a strong immune system, allowing you to fight off illness more effectively
- Inspires people to pursue goals and take care of their health for the sake of loved ones
- Enhances people’s sense of belonging, leading to better well-being and life satisfaction
Final thoughts on whether love is an illusion
The question of whether love is an illusion ultimately depends on how you define it.
If we’re talking about the idealized, Disney-movie notion of love (where the perfect partner exists and “happily ever after” is guaranteed) then, yes, the reality of loving relationships may not live up to this illusion.
But when you understand love as messy, complex, and evolving emotional bonds between humans, then it’s undeniably real.
Ultimately, love is not a fleeting illusion but a fundamental element of human life that promotes survival and well-being and provides connection and fulfillment.
Practical Dating Tips
Believing that love is an illusion might feel quite distressing or upsetting.
If you find it helpful to believe that love isn’t real, then that’s okay.
But if you’d like to change your opinion and open yourself up to the idea and experience of love, it’s helpful to acknowledge your feelings and challenge your beliefs.
1. Acknowledge and accept these feelings
Reflect on the painful experiences that have led you to a place where you doubt the existence of love. Did you feel loved growing up?
Have you experienced loving relationships in adulthood? Were they painful? See what comes up and then:
- Acknowledge any painful feelings you have around love
- Accept them as part of your experience
- Have compassion for your experience and feelings
- Practice loving yourself for who you are, with flaws and doubts and all
- Challenge unrealistic or unhelpful beliefs about love
- Adopt more helpful beliefs around love
2. Challenge unrealistic or unhelpful beliefs about love
Some common unrealistic or unhelpful beliefs around love include:
- Love should be effortless (healthy relationships take effort, communication, and compromise)
- Love should complete you (love cannot replace self-fulfillment)
- Passion should never fade (love evolves)
- True love means always agreeing (there’s conflict in every relationship – successful couples manage conflict with empathy and understanding)
- The perfect partner exists (perfect is an illusion – focus on finding someone who is compatible, respectful, and supportive)
When you replace unrealistic and unhelpful beliefs with an understanding that love is complex and dynamic, you can build more fulfilling and lasting relationships.
Love is not only reserved for one person – there are many different types of love that can be equally fulfilling when we move away from unrealistic ideals like “the one” or “perfect partner”.
3. Let go of “the one”
Relationship expert Esther Perel explains that the romantic ideal of finding “the one” who will fulfill all of our needs and desires puts too much pressure on a relationship.
It makes people feel they’re failing at love when their relationships don’t live up to this idealized image.
Her advice includes:
- Accept that loving relationships require ongoing effort, communication, and a willingness to adapt and grow together
- Remember that “love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm” – sometimes we’re going to feel more connected to our partner than other times. It’s normal to experience ups and downs in relationships
- Embrace the messiness and contradictory emotions that are inherent in relationships
- Challenges can be opportunities for growth and deeper connection
- Move away from rigid expectations and be curious about different relationship models and ways of relating to people
4. Define love by your own standards
Society and culture do try to prescribe a certain model of love and relationships – but you don’t have to conform.
Love is a biological, psychological, spiritual, and intellectual experience that spans different relationships and evolves throughout life.
The important thing is to consider how you can ensure you have plenty of love in your life through family, friends, and other relationships (not just one “perfect partner”).
How can you strengthen and improve your relationships? What can you do to increase self-love and compassion? How can you show your love? How can you receive love?
5. Talk to a therapist
If you’re finding love and relationships overwhelming and aren’t sure how to navigate the issue, it might be helpful to speak to a therapist about it.
They can provide a space for you to explore these ideas and help you move forward so you can enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Sources and further reading
Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt and Company.
Harvard Medical School. (2015). The science of love: How the brain falls in love. Brain, 2(1).
Kendrick, K.M., Guastella, A.J. & Becker, B. (2018). Overview of Human Oxytocin Research. Current Topics in Behavioral Neuroscience, 35, 321-348.
Lee, J. A. (1973). The Colors of Love: An Exploration of the Ways of Loving. Toronto: New Press.
Mertika, A., Mitskidou, P., & Stalikas, A. (2020). “Positive Relationships” and their impact on wellbeing: A review of current literature. Psychology: the Journal of the Hellenic Psychological Society, 25(1), 115-127.
Rinne, P., Lahnakoski, J. M., Saarimäki, H., Tavast, M., Sams, M., & Henriksson, L. (2024). Six types of love differentially recruit reward and social cognition brain areas. Cerebral Cortex, 34(8), bhae331.
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135.
Ueda, Y. (2023). Oxytocin: An expansive review of its mechanisms, functions, and therapeutic potential. World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, 19, 1264-1272.
