Navigating the beginnings of dating involves embracing uncertainty, shifting your mindset from evaluation to exploration, integrating dating into your life, and practicing open communication.

By doing so, you can transform dating from a source of anxiety into an opportunity for genuine connection and self-discovery.

1. Embracing Uncertainty

Acknowledge the Unknown: Dating inherently involves uncertainty. Accept that you can’t eradicate the unknown and that excitement often comes from this very uncertainty. Instead of trying to control everything, learn to live with more uncertainty.
Challenge Societal Ideals: Recognize that society often locates intimacy within a romantic relationship with one special person, which can complicate the search for a soulmate on an app.
Let Go of the Checklist Mentality: The desire to tick every box on a checklist can flatten the experience and diminish the possibility of a genuine encounter. Instead, focus on the mystery, surprise, and curiosity that create a spark.
Recognise the prevalence of “unclicking”: Be aware that that “unclicking” or loss of spark happens frequently, and that dating is a cycle of beginnings and endings.

2. Shifting Your Mindset

From Tension to Curiosity: Transform the tension you feel into curiosity and reactivity into reflectivity to approach first dates with a different, more positive stance.
Dating as Exploration: Consider dating as an exploration and a journey, rather than a job interview. Focus on discovering someone, and in the process, discovering parts of yourself.
Value the Process: Genuine curiosity involves wanting to figure something out without being attached to a particular outcome. Be willing to discard preconceived notions and let the relationship guide the evolution of your identity.
Adopt a “Wait and See” Approach: Instead of getting overly excited, approach the situation with agnosticism2. See how things go and don’t allow yourself to get too excited about it2. Recognize that character reveals itself over time
Focus on Building, Not Just Finding: Great relationships are built, not discovered. Find someone great and work together to create a fulfilling partnership.
Challenge Assumptions: Identify your fundamental beliefs about relationships and examine whether you’re inadvertently trying to prove them true. Initial chemistry can be misleading. Prioritize emotional safety, stability, and decency over explosive passion.
Manage Social Media Influence: Be aware of how social media trends (e.g., focusing on “red flags“) can negatively impact your mindset.

3. Re-Integrating Dating into Your Life

Don’t Leave Your Life Behind: Maintain your pre-existing life and don’t drop everything for the new relationship. Keep connected to your life in a way that you always were before they came along so that if that person was to disappear or change their mind or whatever it is or pull away you’re not left with a great big void.
Social Integration: Integrate dates into your existing social life by bringing dates to gatherings with friends. This provides more data points and allows you to see the person interact with your community.
Be an Algorithm in Real Life: Create opportunities for connection by bringing people together who you think would enjoy getting to know each other.
Share Experiences: Instead of sitting face-to-face for an interview-like date, do activities you enjoy and invite the other person along. This gives you something to talk about and reveals more about their personality.

4. Managing Vulnerability

Self-Nurturing: Admit to nascent feelings as a form of self-nurturing.
Balance Openness and Protection: Recognize that the start of a relationship involves insecurity and excitement because you don’t know what to expect. Gradually reveal yourself and observe the other person’s response.
Embrace The Learning Experience: Every date should be an opportunity to learn about yourself, others, and the world around you
Anxious Attachment: If you have an anxious attachment style, you might constantly worry that your partner will leave you or that you are not good enough for them. This can lead to anxious behaviors in the relationship.
Self-Reflection: It is important to reflect and ask yourself how you ended up in unhappy or unhealthy relationship dynamics. Understanding the root of the issue can help in overcoming struggles.

5. Navigating Modern Dating Specifics

Dating Apps: If using dating apps, aim to meet in person relatively quickly rather than tolerating endless messaging.
Be Honest: Disclose things about yourself and see how the other person responds and relates.
Acknowledge the Unsaid: Break the ice by acknowledging the awkwardness of first dates and discussing your experiences with dating apps.

6. Trust and Risk

Trust as a Leap of Faith: Understand that trust involves actively engaging with the unknown. It’s built iteratively by taking small risks and observing the response.
Look for Red Flags, But Avoid Hyper-Vigilance: While it’s important to recognize red flags based on past experiences, hyper-vigilance can leave you feeling constricted.
Embrace Risk: Understand that the spark in a new relationship often comes from the amount of risk you take. Overanalyzing can diminish the excitement and discovery.

7. Communication is Key

Communicate Clearly: From the start, express your intentions and be your authentic self. Being clear about what you want can eliminate unnecessary situations and drawn-out relationships.
Ask Questions: Don’t hesitate to ask questions, but be prepared to accept the answer you receive. Frame your questions with curiosity rather than expectation. Suppressing questions can create tension and frustration.
Clarify Intentions: If someone says they like you but aren’t ready for a relationship, ask them to clarify what “not ready” means.