Feeling nervous about dating is entirely normal, but dating anxiety can significantly impact your life, particularly when it comes to forming and maintaining romantic relationships.

If you’re looking for a partner and love, dating is generally part of that process so how can you overcome the fear and anxiety of dating?

I asked a few people about their experiences and how they manage dating anxiety.

I’ll also provide some practical steps for feeling more confident on dates. But first, what is dating anxiety, and how do you recognize it?

What is dating anxiety?

Dating anxiety tends to manifest as fear, uncertainty, worry, or discomfort when engaging in romantic interactions or pursuing a potential relationship.

It’s often rooted in early childhood experiences and having an insecure attachment style.

For example, if you didn’t feel safe or loved growing up, you might be constantly looking for signs that a person you’re interested in, or dating is going to abandon you.

Signs of dating anxiety include:

Feeling extremely anxious before or during the date
Physical sensations like excessive sweating, shaking/trembling, or heart-racing
Worry that you’re not good enough
Overthinking or analyzing every detail of the date or interaction
Replay conversations in your head, second-guess yourself a lot, worry what the other person is thinking
Harsh self-criticism about your appearance, behavior, or worth
Imaging the worst-case scenario and the date going wrong (catastrophizing)
Expecting to be rejected or embarrass yourself before anything has happened
Experiencing difficult emotions such as guilt, shame, irritability, anger, or loneliness
Spending a lot of time on dating apps and rarely dating in the real world

How dating anxiety can affect you

Dating anxiety can affect your confidence and well-being, and you might avoid dating altogether, meaning you miss out on potential connections. You might:

Experience constant fear of rejection or failure
Have self-doubt and low confidence
Feel exhausted due to constant overthinking
Overcompensate or try too hard to impress
Have unnatural or inauthentic interactions because you fear saying the wrong thing
Struggle to be present during dates
Find it difficult to form new relationships
Feel lonely or isolated and lack romantic fulfillment

Here’s how dating anxiety affects others:

“I never wanted to go on dates because I didn’t feel attractive or interesting enough. In my mind, I knew that the date wouldn’t go well, and they’d ghost me – because it happened in the past – so I just stopped altogether. I felt really lonely and sad, but I just couldn’t get over the fear.” (Camilla)

“I dreaded dates so much because whenever I met someone new, my hands went all shaky and my voice started breaking. It was awful and embarrassing. I’d be so focused on keeping my hands and voice steady that I couldn’t focus on the person I was with. No wonder I never heard back from them again.” (Phil)

“I don’t mind talking to people on dating apps but as soon as they suggest meeting in person, I feel so much panic. I haven’t been on a real date in years and the more time passes, the less confident I feel.” (Mark)

Steps to manage dating anxiety

Here are some practical tips for reducing dating stress:

Step 1: Do the inner work

Dating anxiety originates from somewhere – maybe bad experiences, lack of confidence, fear, or lack of experience.

Relationship expert Jullian Turecki said, “To choose a partner well and have good discernment requires understanding yourself and honoring yourself”

Finding where dating anxiety comes from for you can help you to understand and manage it better.

Therefore, it could be useful to reflect on your past experiences and early relationships (including with your parents and siblings) and find your patterns and triggers.

For example, Camilla said her anxiety was likely rooted in her relationship with her parents:

“They were really critical and never made me feel good enough. So, whenever I went on dates, I’d try really hard to impress.

I wanted someone to love me, and I think that made me quite clingy, which then drove the other person away.

After being rejected and ghosted a few times, I started feeling really anxious about dating.”

Here are some common causes of dating anxiety that might help you identify where your anxiety comes from:

Social anxiety disorder or generalized anxiety disorder
Fear of judgment, rejection, embarrassment, or judgment
Fear of rejecting others (due to guilt, fear of retaliation, or being seen as cruel or unkind). This can lead to people pleasing and make you feel anxious
Past relationship experiences or trauma
Insecure attachment style (avoidant or anxious attachment) – having negative expectations of relationships and others that stem from childhood experiences
Body image issues
Financial instability (feeling unable to afford dating)
Lack of experience
Chronic health conditions
Shyness/introversion
Lack of confidence/self-worth
Fear of being single – a study found that people who are overly anxious about ending up alone tend to experience heightened apprehension and stress during dating
Unrealistic expectations set by media or societal norms can create pressure to meet idealized standards of beauty or romance

Action: Reflect on where your dating anxiety comes from and what triggers it. Using a journal to do this can be helpful.

Step 2: Address the belief you’re not good enough

As this core belief often features in dating anxiety and can stop you from enjoying the process and building healthy relationships, it’s important to address it.

Relationship therapist Jillian Turecki emphasizes:

“When people don’t feel good enough, they have difficulty regulating their emotions – they may strategize, manipulate, cling, yell, avoid, or shut down – and this can create a cycle of anxiety and self-sabotage.”

For example, on a date, you may overthink and try to control the situation or assume your date isn’t interested.

This might cause inauthentic behavior and make genuine connections more difficult to attain and you might be less appealing to your date.

Ask yourself: in what ways am I great to be in a relationship with? In what ways can I be difficult?
Reframe your self-limiting beliefs (“I’m not interesting enough”) with affirmations that focus on your strengths and the reasons you are a good catch
Work on your challenges (e.g., if you tend to dominate conversations) with compassion – no one is perfect
Strive for authenticity – be yourself rather than trying to impress

Step 3: Shift your mindset

Dating is about mutual discovery, enjoyment, meeting interesting people, and discovering new parts of yourself.

Relationship expert Esther Perel encourages people to move away from finding the perfect match and towards being present and available for discovery and enjoyment.

That also involves shifting from a performance mindset to one of curiosity.

Performance mindset means the focus is on trying to impress, saying the right things, and meeting perceived expectations.

The emphasis is on “Do they like me?” or “Did I do well?”, which increases anxiety because you worry about being perfect or good enough.

Curiosity mindset means you genuinely want to explore the other person. Instead of evaluating yourself, you ask questions and learn about the other’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings.

This reduces anxiety because it’s less about achieving a specific result and more about enjoying the process and connection.

For example, instead of worrying about saying something impressive, you might think “I wonder what makes this person passionate about their hobbies?”

Action: View dating as an opportunity for connection and discovery and move away from trying to impress or be liked. Instead, ask yourself, “Do I like them? Are we a good match?”

Step 4: Prepare but don’t overprepare

Here are tips for preparing for a date and managing anxiety during dates:

Learn and practice mindfulness exercises such as deep breathing, grounding, meditation, and positive visualization (e.g., imagining the date going well)
Think of conversational topics beforehand
Focus on being authentic – most people prefer imperfection, and it makes you more likable
Consider the other person, what would you like to know about them?
Talk to a friend about how you’re feeling before the date
Go for a walk or do exercise to release some of the adrenaline

Here are some things others found helpful:

“It’s counterintuitive but I found that telling the other person I was feeling anxious made me feel less anxious. When my now-girlfriend and I went on our first date, I told her I was anxious, and she sighed and told me “Me too!” – it was a real bonding moment.” (Phil)

“Wear something you feel comfortable and confident in. Pick a place that’s familiar. Then at least those things aren’t going to make you anxious and you can focus more on the date.” (Camilla)

“I’m making an effort to go out and meet people in real life. I’ve joined a climbing group and it’s helping me to speak to people I don’t know and start conversations. I haven’t met someone I want to date yet, but I feel less nervous about asking someone out now!” (Marc)

Step 5: Practice self-compassion: rejection is normal

If you have dating anxiety, have experienced rejection, and find dating frustrating, remember that you’re not alone.

The couple’s therapist Esther Perel wants us to remember that everyone goes through rejection and experiences the highs and lows of dating (even if they don’t say that openly!).

She highlights that rejection is a normal part of dating and is not a reflection of your worth – it’s more likely due to incompatibility or the other person’s needs/wants.

Action: develop positive affirmations (e.g., “I am worthy of love”) and practice speaking to yourself with compassion, not criticism.

Step 6: Take small steps

If you experience dating anxiety, practice gradual exposure – that is, go on a date with minimal expectations in a relaxed, supportive environment.

For example, you could go for a walk or coffee date and tell the other person you just want to say “hi” – rather than have a full-blown date.

If that feels okay, you can gradually move to more challenging interactions and dates (like going for dinner or crazy golf).

Action: take away the pressure by keeping things low-key and casual. Give yourself credit for taking small risks and, if you feel up for it, gradually increase the intensity.

Step 7: Lean on your support network

A problem shared is a problem halved so talking about your concerns with your friends, family, or a therapist can help lighten the emotional load and bring relief.

They can support you and you may even find that others share similar feelings to you.

Action: Share your feelings with others as they can also offer new perspectives and reassurance.

Step 8: Work on your social/communication skills

Improving your social and communication skills can ease dating anxiety:

Practice active listening by focusing on the other person
Ask thoughtful questions
Respond empathetically and show genuine interest
Learn to manage awkward moments with humor or acknowledging that it was awkward as this can reduce tension (and you might even laugh about it together!)

Step 9: Reassess online dating

Research found that for many people using “swipe-based” dating apps increases psychological distress, anxiety, and depression.

They can create pressure to maintain an appealing profile, lead to repeated rejection, and are inherently superficial.

Many people use these apps for external validation so a lack of matches and repeated rejection can amplify feelings of rejection.

If you over-rely on dating apps and rarely practice your social skills in real life, it’s natural that you’ll feel anxious about going on a date.

Esther Perel agrees, “The rise of dating apps and online communication can lead to social atrophy, as people become less comfortable with face-to-face interactions and less skilled at navigating the nuances of social situations.”

So what can you do?

Reduce the frequency and duration of app usage
Focus on offline connections
Practice socializing – engage in conversations with people including those you have no romantic interest in
Remember, while rejection is part of the dating process, you experience rejection more often on dating apps than in real life (and people are generally kinder offline!)

Step 10: Seek professional help, if necessary

Feeling nervous or anxious about dating can be normal and to some extent, it can be overcome with positive self-talk, mindfulness/grounding techniques, and a mindset shift.

But if the anxiety is overwhelming and affects your daily life and self-image significantly then it might be a good idea to seek professional help.

A therapist can help you to understand where the anxiety comes from and find solutions.

Dating Anxiety: How to Move Forward