Tired of Being Single

Being single can be a challenging experience, particularly in our society.

Feeling tired of being single usually has two sources. One is internal: patterns from your own history, such as your attachment style or a fear of intimacy. The other is external: a culture that treats being coupled as the default.

By addressing your personal history and questioning societal narratives, you can create a more balanced approach to relationships.

Before moving forward, it’s useful to consider whether you desire a relationship or a partnership.

A relationship may be about having a good experience with someone, whereas a partnership is more about building a long-term connection.

Understanding this distinction can help clarify your goals.

When you are more aware of your needs and patterns, you can make more discerning choices about who you date and invest in.

This involves knowing what you need, not just what you want, and recognising the qualities that are important to you.

Am I The Problem?

Your personal experiences, past traumas, and relationship patterns play a significant role in how you feel about being single. These internal factors can shape your beliefs and expectations, often leading to specific behaviours and emotional responses.

1. Fear of Intimacy:

A fear of intimacy might be keeping you at a distance from potential partners.

This may be something that you have experienced in childhood, or it may come from a fear of being hurt or of being vulnerable.

It is often necessary to show vulnerability in order to build a strong and intimate connection with someone.

2. Anxious Attachment:

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may be drawn to partners who do not fully show up for you or meet your needs.

This is often based on past experiences, especially in childhood, where you did not have your needs fully met.

When you don’t feel attended to as a child, you might seek out situations in adulthood where you also don’t feel attended to, to mirror those past experiences.

Attachment research explains why. In early relationships with caregivers, you formed working models of how close bonds work (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

Those models travel into adult dating. The pattern tends to repeat across partners until you recognise it, rather than ending when you meet someone new.

It also shapes how being single feels. Pepping and colleagues (2025) used latent profile analysis, a method that sorts people into groups with similar response patterns, on two separate samples of single adults (482 and 400 people). The same four attachment profiles appeared in both.

Secure singles made up around a fifth of each sample, and anxious singles were the largest group, at over a third.

Profile	How these singles fared compared with secure singles
Secure	The comparison group.
Anxious	More fear of being single, lower self-esteem, and poorer life satisfaction, social support, autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Avoidant	Worse on most outcomes, but no different in their general desire for a relationship.
Fearful-avoidant	Similar to the anxious group: more fear of being single, lower self-esteem and poorer well-being.

Being single is not one psychological state. Even among people with the same relationship status, attachment security shapes how the experience feels.

3. High Standards as a Defense:

You might have standards that are so high that they prevent you from getting close to anyone.

This could be a way to avoid vulnerability or potential hurt.

You might have a fear of rejection, which could lead you to create a version of yourself that is meant to please others, instead of just being yourself.

4. Repeating Unhealthy Patterns:

If you’ve had a history of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, you might be repeating those patterns.

You may choose people based on familiarity rather than on what’s healthy for you.

Psychologists link this to repetition compulsion, the tendency to recreate familiar situations even when they hurt. The familiar can feel safer than the unknown.

5. The Pull of Novelty:

If past relationships felt flat, you might be seeking novelty and adventure now.

You might also be drawn to what feels forbidden, which can fuel desire, but is not necessarily healthy.

6. Difficulty Identifying Needs:

If you have a lot of voids or feel a sense of emptiness, you might choose partners from that place of neediness rather than from a place of self-sufficiency.

The initial rush that comes with meeting someone new can be addictive, but it is not a long-term substitute for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

7. Rumination and Regret:

Focusing on what you don’t have (a relationship) can lead to a cycle of rumination and regret. Rumination means dwelling repetitively and passively on a distressing topic and its causes, without moving toward a solution.

This can make you feel deeply unhappy and like you’re missing out. The loop feeds itself. Repetitive negative thinking is consistently linked with worse mood, not better, so dwelling on being single tends to deepen the unhappiness it reacts to.

8. Emotional Avoidance:

Being single can bring up difficult emotions, and some people may try to avoid those feelings.

This could manifest as constantly trying to meet someone to avoid being alone.

However, loneliness can exist inside a relationship, and you can be single without being lonely.

Many people think having a partner will eliminate loneliness. But that’s not necessarily true.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. It is possible to be happy and single.

Cacioppo and Hawkley’s (2009) review of perceived social isolation makes the same point. Loneliness is a subjective sense of disconnection. It is separate from the objective fact of being alone, so it can be present or absent whatever your relationship status.

Couples therapist Esther Perel speaks directly to people who are single and alone in her video Loneliness Under Lockdown. She treats loneliness as something to work on, not endure. She points to four supports that anyone can use, partnered or not:

• Reach out to one person: Perel says even one conversation changes your whole “resource map”. Most people you contact have had similar thoughts and are glad you asked.
• Join a group: A pre-existing group is her second step. Men in particular often lack the habit of reaching out and can benefit from structured settings.
• Move your body: Movement, breath, walking and “grounding” help you feel less alone in your own skin.
• Use your imagination: Perel suggests deliberately using imagination to bridge distance and absence, a capacity she compares to how children play.

As Perel explains, this kind of self-soothing builds a sense of being “worthy of taking care of”. Becoming good company to yourself, she says, creates “a little nibble into your loneliness” with every such action.

9. Insecurity:

Insecurity can make you choose the wrong partners because you are trying to fill a void in yourself.

If you are insecure, you may nominate someone as the “love of your life” too quickly. You skip assessing whether they are the right person.

It can feel like progress in your love life. But it may lead you to give too much power to someone who is not the right fit.

You need to be able to give yourself a sense of peace, as a single person.

10. Unrealistic Expectations:

You may have unrealistic expectations of a relationship or a partner.

These could include the idea that relationships should be like romantic comedies. They could also include the belief that a perfect person is out there to make your life better.

Real relationships are difficult and imperfect. That often causes disappointment.

You might be holding out for “the one”, which can make it difficult to commit to anyone.

This also means that when you are dating, you might be constantly looking for someone better.

Is Society The Problem?

Question the messages you receive from society and culture. Are these messages helpful or are they making you feel worse about being single? Are these pressures aligned with what you want for your life?

1. Cultural Beliefs:

Society often elevates romantic relationships above all other forms of connection.

This cultural belief, called “amatonormativity,” can make you feel like you should be in a relationship. Philosopher Elizabeth Brake (2012) coined the term. It describes the assumption that an exclusive, long-term romantic relationship is the most valuable bond a person can have, and that everyone wants one.

It is a background belief, not an explicit rule. That is why it can shape how you feel about yourself even when no one says it aloud.

DePaulo and Morris (2005) describe a closely related ideology that treats the sexual partnership as the one adult relationship that truly counts. Friendship, family and community are measured against it as lesser.

2. Shame and Self-Worth:

You may feel shame for being single or believe that it’s a reflection of your desirability or worth.

These feelings are often rooted in societal messages that equate partnership with value, especially for women.

You might be feeling like you need to prove your worth through a relationship.

Wanting a relationship is normal. Being single does not mean you are undesirable.

DePaulo and Morris (2005) call the stereotyping and discrimination single people face singlism. They argue it often goes unrecognised because it hides in ordinary assumptions about maturity and happiness, rather than appearing as open prejudice.

3. Pressure to Couple Up:

There may be pressure from family or friends to find someone.

You may internalize these feelings, and start to think that you need a relationship in order to be happy or that being single is a sign that you’re not desirable.

This can be especially true for women who are socialized to believe their worth is tied to their desirability as a partner.

4. Internalized Timeline:

There’s often a sense of urgency, especially for women, to find a partner. It can lead to anxiety and sometimes settling for less than what they truly want.

Women can feel pressured by their biological clock to find a life partner. This can come across as too eager on first dates.

You might feel that you should have found a partner by a certain age.

You might have been conditioned to think that you need to “settle down” by a particular age.

It’s important to recognize that there is no “right” time to find a partner and that you should not feel pressured to meet someone out of fear of missing out.

What Research Says About Being Single

Psychologists have studied how singlehood affects well-being. The picture is more conditional than popular advice suggests: relationship status alone is a poor predictor of happiness.

The Need to Belong and Singlehood

Baumeister and Leary (1995) reviewed evidence from developmental, social and clinical psychology. Their conclusion: belonging is a basic human motivation, on a par with hunger or thirst. People need a minimum number of lasting, positive bonds.

When the need goes unmet, people experience anxiety, loneliness and grief. The authors root this in evolution. People embedded in stable bonds were more likely to survive and reproduce than isolated ones.

So the ache of a long stretch of singlehood is a normal signal, not a personal failing. It is also not specific to romance.

Friendship, family and community can meet the need too, so a partner is not the only way to resolve it. Seeing this can loosen the grip of amatonormativity, the belief that a coupled life is the most valuable kind.

Goals Matter More Than Relationship Status

Girme and colleagues (2016) tested whether the well-being gap between single and partnered people depends on what people want from relationships.

In one study, 187 undergraduates reported their daily life satisfaction and their social goals. A second tracked life satisfaction in a nationally representative New Zealand sample of 4,024 adults.

The results depended on the type of goal:

Type of goal	What it aims at	Result for single people
Approach goals	Something good, such as closeness or growth.	Greater life satisfaction specifically when in a relationship, where the goals could be pursued.
Avoidance goals	Preventing something bad, such as conflict or rejection.	As satisfied as partnered people.

So a single person is not condemned to lower well-being. What matters is the fit between what you want and your circumstances.

Support, Stigma and Basic Needs

Single people do sometimes fare worse. Stigma and missing support seem to explain much of it.

Girme and colleagues (2022) combined the New Zealand national sample with three North American datasets.

Single adults’ somewhat lower average life satisfaction was statistically accounted for by less perceived social support and more negative treatment for being single. That gives measurable weight to the idea of singlism, the stigma single people face.

Meeting basic psychological needs matters too.

Oh and colleagues (2026) surveyed 445 long-term single adults. Their average age was around 53. They had been single for about 20 years. A second sample of 545 younger singles partly replicated the findings.

Satisfying three basic needs was the most consistent predictor of well-being:

• Autonomy: feeling self-directed.
• Competence: feeling capable.
• Relatedness: feeling connected to other people.

Meeting them predicted greater life satisfaction, fewer depressive symptoms and more satisfaction with being single. Attachment anxiety still predicted more depressive symptoms.

Thriving while single, then, depends less on relationship status than on whether your core needs are being met.

Unmet Desire, Not Time Alone

Does being single for longer make it harder? ’t Hoen and colleagues (2025) analysed nine waves of data from the German Family Panel to find out.

Wanting a relationship, not time alone, predicted dissatisfaction:

• No desire: People who wanted no relationship reported the highest satisfaction with being single.
• Time alone: Once desire was accounted for, the passage of time stopped predicting satisfaction.
• Youngest group: Those who still wanted a relationship reported the lowest satisfaction of anyone.
• Oldest group: Only those with persistent desire became more satisfied over time.

So the strain seems to come from sustained, unfulfilled wanting. It can bite hardest in younger adults, not older ones. That cuts against the assumption that pressure to partner is felt most acutely later in life. Being male or female made no significant difference.

Gender and Generation

Large surveys complicate the idea that singlehood is always harder for women.

Hoan and MacDonald (2025) surveyed 5,941 single adults, roughly half men and half women, with an average age around 32.

On average, single women reported higher life satisfaction, higher sexual satisfaction and more satisfaction with their relationship status than single men. They also wanted a partner less. Results varied by age and ethnicity.

The pressure on women described above is real. But it does not translate into worse well-being on average.

Younger generations may feel differently too. Gonzalez Avilés and colleagues (2025) studied 2,936 Germans aged 14 to 40.

People born in 2001–2003 were both more often single and more satisfied with it than those born in 1991–1993. This is a single study, so treat it as suggestive rather than settled.

The same study adds a caution.

People with somewhat lower well-being at the start were more likely to stay single for longer. Some of the link between singlehood and low well-being may therefore run in reverse, with well-being shaping relationship paths, not only the other way round.

Involuntary Singlehood in One Woman’s Words

Surveys cannot show what this feels like day to day. Mohamad Sidik, Kuek and Moh Sani (2026) interviewed 15 women in Malaysia, aged 20 to 35, who saw themselves as involuntarily single.

They identified three contributing factors: limited romantic opportunities, gaps in relationship skills, and a negative perception of romance. One participant described how her options narrowed:

Because due to the fact that obviously at the age of 33, the number of single men there are very limited scope. As well as I have some expectations and standards in my future spouse making it more harder to find them. As well as I am living in Jengka. It is quite outskirt.

Her account shows how limited local options, personal standards and geography can compound for one person. It is a single account from a small, self-selected sample in one cultural setting, so it illustrates one theme rather than speaking for everyone who is single.

Many participants also kept positive well-being through active coping, such as social support and a sense of autonomy.

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497

Brake, E. (2012). Minimizing marriage: Marriage, morality, and the law. Oxford University Press.

Cacioppo, J. T., & Hawkley, L. C. (2009). Perceived social isolation and cognition. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 13(10), 447–454. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2009.06.005

DePaulo, B. M., & Morris, W. L. (2005). Singles in society and in science. Psychological Inquiry, 16(2–3), 57–83. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2005.9682918

Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., Faingataa, S., & Sibley, C. G. (2016). Happily single: The link between relationship status and well-being depends on avoidance and approach social goals. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(2), 122–130. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615599828

Girme, Y. U., Sibley, C. G., Hadden, B. W., Schmitt, M. T., & Hunger, J. M. (2022). Unsupported and stigmatized? The association between relationship status and well-being is mediated by social support and social discrimination. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 13(2), 425–435. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506211030102

Gonzalez Avilés, T., Bühler, J. L., Brandt, N. D., & Neyer, F. J. (2025). Today’s adolescents are more satisfied with being single: Findings from a German cohort-sequential study among 14- to 40-year-olds. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 51(12), 2461–2475. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672241257139

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511

Hoan, E., & MacDonald, G. (2025). “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves”: Gender differences in singles’ well-being. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 16(6), 610–619. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506241287960

’t Hoen, E., Claessens, E., & Mortelmans, D. (2025). Who’s waiting ever after? An exploration of relationship desire and satisfaction among long-term singles. Personal Relationships, 32(4), Article e70038. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.70038

Mohamad Sidik, S., Kuek, J. H. L., & Moh Sani, R. M. (2026). Exploring the factors and challenges of involuntary singlehood and its impact on psychological well-being among women in Malaysia. Cogent Psychology, 13(1), Article 2623274. https://doi.org/10.1080/23311908.2026.2623274

Oh, J., Stoianova, A., Bello, T. M., & De La Cruz, A. (2026). Who lives a good single life? From basic need satisfaction to attachment, sociosexuality, and reasons for being single. Personal Relationships, 33(1), Article e70053. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.70053

Pepping, C. A., Girme, Y. U., Cronin, T. J., & MacDonald, G. (2025). Diversity in singlehood experiences: Testing an attachment theory model of sub-groups of singles. Journal of Personality, 93(2), 275–295. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12929

Perel, E. (n.d.). Loneliness under lockdown [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2wuH06Bijo

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