Dating rules are the guidelines you set when you go out with someone you’re romantically or sexually interested in.
They’re a framework for respectful and fulfilling interactions, shaped by your personal values and desires.
It’s important to note that dating rules are not the same as preferences (‘He has to love traveling’) or your ‘icks’ and dislikes (chewing loudly or wearing too much make-up).
Remember: There is no such thing as ‘the one’. Everyone has flaws. A successful relationship is about compatibility, shared values, and vision
1. Be authentically yourself and trust your intuition
The most important “rule” is to make sure you feel good when you are with the person.
Trust your intuition.
You should feel like you can be yourself and don’t have to walk on eggshells or worry about their reactions. You should not feel the need to strategize to try to earn their affection or get them to be more interested in you.
If you consistently feel anxious, insecure, triggered, or emotionally drained, it is likely a sign that the person is not a good match for you.
Don’t dismiss your feelings or try to rationalize them away. It’s especially important to pay attention if your intuition is telling you that something is not right.
When I meet someone, I always pay attention to the way I feel afterward. If I feel light, energized, and fulfilled, it’s a good sign.
If I feel drained, exhausted, or have the need to isolate myself for a while, I take it as a sign they’re an energy vampire and I should stay away.
It’s also worth mentioning that having “butterflies” is not always a good thing.
It could be excitement, but it may also be anxiety trying to warn you of a threat. Just stay mindful and listen to what your body is trying to tell you.
If you’re looking for a relationship, look out for red flags to save yourself future hurt and distress. For example:
- Lack of respect
- Jealousy, or trying to control your actions
- Dishonesty
- Rushing intimacy (lovebombing)
- Calling all their exes “crazy” or worse
- If it seems too good to be true or if something feels off, trust your instinct
2. Embrace Movement and Shared Experiences
Esther Perel highlights a common pitfall in modern dating: the tendency to rely on static, interview-style dates, often in sterile environments like noisy bars or coffee shops.
She argues that these settings can hinder the development of genuine chemistry and connection.
By incorporating movement and shared experiences into your dates, you can create opportunities for deeper connection, spark genuine chemistry, and move beyond the limitations of conventional dating scripts.
Engaging in physical activities together can help break down initial awkwardness and create a sense of shared purpose.
It shifts the focus away from intense self-consciousness and allows for more natural and spontaneous interactions.
Shared experiences create a rich tapestry of memories and talking points, moving beyond superficial small talk and fostering a deeper understanding of each other’s perspectives and values.
For example:
- Walking, biking, or running together: Explore a new park, go for a scenic hike, or simply stroll through your neighborhood.
- Dancing: Take a salsa class, go swing dancing, or hit up a live music venue and move to your favorite tunes.
- Attending a live event or performance: Share the experience of a concert, play, sporting event, or comedy show.
- Engaging in a playful activity: Try rock climbing, bowling, mini-golf, or an escape room.
3. Integrate Dating into Your Life
Esther Perel challenges the common practice of compartmentalizing dating, urging individuals to integrate dating into their existing lives rather than treating it as a separate and isolated activity.
She argues that bringing dating back into your life offers a more authentic and insightful way to connect with potential partners.
Integrating dating into your life lowers the stakes.
Instead of the pressure-cooker environment of a one-on-one date, the presence of friends and familiar activities creates a sense of ease and natural flow.
This allows for more organic conversations, shared laughter, and genuine connection, removing the intensity of a formal date setting.
Examples of Integrating Dating into Your Life:
- Invite a potential partner to join you and your friends for a hike or a picnic in the park.
- Suggest attending a concert or art exhibition together that you were already planning to go to.
- If you’re passionate about volunteering, invite them to join you for a day of service.
- If you have a regular game night with friends, ask them to join the fun.
4. Rethink the Timeline and Embrace Uncertainty
Esther Perel acknowledges the societal pressures to follow a specific dating timeline, but she encourages daters to challenge the notion that relationships must progress at a predetermined pace.
Instead of rushing towards milestones like moving in or getting engaged, focus on building a genuine connection and enjoying the process of getting to know someone.
Embrace the uncertainty inherent in dating.
This can create a sense of excitement and anticipation that can fuel desire.
5. Be Honest About Your Needs
You’ll save yourself a lot of time if you’re open and honest about what you want and who you are from the beginning.
Pretending to be someone you’re not or only saying what the other person wants to hear rather than communicating authentically means you’re building something on false pretenses – and it’ll come back to haunt you eventually.
And while there’s always a bit of dance in dating, stop the mind games (ghosting, breadcrumbing, hold-cold behavior, and so forth).
It’s not healthy or productive.
Talk about things that you are working through and things that are important to you.
If you feel anxious, share that.
This will allow the other person to do the same.
6. Stay open-minded
The therapist and relationship expert Esther Perel shared some valuable advice on staying open-minded when dating:
She emphasizes that focusing too heavily on data points, like education, career, or shared interests, can lead to a flat and uninspiring dating experience.
Instead, she encourages approaching dating with curiosity and a willingness to discover the unexpected.
Ditch the Checklist and Embrace Curiosity:
- She emphasizes a rigid approach to dating can be detrimental
- Avoid treating dating like a job interview and a list of requirements as it can hinder genuine connection.
- Anticipation and a bit of mystery create desire, not matching items on a list.
- A relentless focus on optimization damages our ability to be present, surprised, and available to each other.
Esther shares that she wouldn’t have ended up with her husband if she had followed a checklist approach as many of his qualities were not things she would have initially sought out (they’ve been married 40 years).
7. Go out and meet people
Put the phone away and go out and meet people – or at least strike a balance between using dating apps and meeting people in real life.
Dating apps can cause more dating anxiety as they’re quite superficial, can cause pressure, and lead to more rejection (and people are generally kinder face-to-face than virtually).
Find places where you’ll organically meet like-minded people, such as workshops, classes, sports clubs, or community groups (or nightlife venues).
8. Take It Slow
The three-month rule suggests that three months is an ideal amount of time to get a sense of who you’re dating.
It allows you to move beyond the initial attraction (or “honeymoon phase”) and identify any red flags, such as lovebombing or toxic behavior.
The idea is to wait three months before making things official and delay physical intimacy during this time.
While the premise of this rule is good and taking things slow is wise, it’s not guaranteed to protect you from heartbreak and harm as people can still turn out to be toxic 6 months down the line.
Always stay mindful!
9. Respect is Paramount
Essential to all communication and relationships is respect.
That includes honoring boundaries, actively listening, and valuing the other person’s feelings, opinions, and choices.
It also includes consent – in real life and virtually (e.g., on dating apps).
Only send messages and share personal information or photos if the other person is willing.
You want to build a strong foundation of respect from the very beginning as it will enable a lasting, meaningful, and healthy connection to grow.
If they disrespect you, move on to someone else.
