Third Date Tips and Advice

Third dates are an opportunity to deepen connections and assess compatibility, moving beyond initial impressions.

1. Building on the First Two Dates

Rapport and Chemistry:

The first date should focus on establishing rapport, seeing if there’s chemistry and whether the other person is interesting, and if they find you interesting too.

The second date can be used to build on this, perhaps sharing more about your values, or bringing up potentially sensitive topics to gauge reactions.

By the third date, you’ve hopefully established a baseline of comfort and can explore things further.

I’ll help restructure this information to create a more logical and comprehensive flow:

Evaluating Potential

By the third date, you’re at a crucial point for evaluating if this person is someone you want to invest more time and energy into.

This involves observing fundamental compatibility factors: how they treat you, whether they respect your opinions, and if they make you feel like a priority.

It’s also important to process your initial enthusiasm objectively to prevent getting carried away with emotions before having enough information.

Assessing Intentions

As you establish basic compatibility, you can begin to evaluate their intentions more clearly. This includes understanding:

• Their interest in emotional connection vs. purely physical attraction.
• Willingness to invest time in getting to know you deeply.
• Signs of genuine interest in commitment vs. casual dating.
• Their actions matching their stated intentions.

Remember that physical intimacy doesn’t guarantee emotional commitment.

Someone’s genuine interest will be shown through consistent behavior and investment in getting to know you as a person, regardless of physical involvement.

Don’t Rush:

It’s important to pace a new relationship slowly to avoid getting overly meshed.

When relationships progress too quickly, people often share too much too soon, spend excessive time together, or make premature commitments.

This can lead to unhealthy codependency, where both people become overly reliant on each other for validation and emotional well-being, while losing sight of their individual interests, friendships, and goals.

Healthy relationships instead maintain a balance between togetherness and independence, allowing both people to grow individually while developing their connection.

2. Deepend the Connection

On a third date, it’s about moving past the surface level and towards deeper connections.

Third dates date are about seeing if there is a genuine connection, and a mutual feeling of safety and comfort. It’s also important to see if the person adds to your life, instead of being the center of it.

Focus on shared experiences, stories, and curiosity, rather than relying on checklists and job-interview type questions.

Pay attention to how your date opens up, relates to you, and responds to things. This is a key to seeing the other person more clearly.

By creating a safe and fun space for discovery, you are more likely to see if you can move to the next stage and develop a meaningful connection.

Focus on Connection, Not Perfection

Instead of looking for the “perfect” match, focus on the connection.

It’s not about finding someone who ticks all the boxes but someone with whom you share a spark.

It’s not always about an instant combustion of emotion, sometimes connections grow over time and with interactions.

Be open to the possibility of connection, rather than trying to force a fit.

Moving Beyond the Checklist

Many people approach dating with a checklist, which is essentially a way of evaluating a potential partner rather than exploring the possibility of a relationship.

Instead of focusing on whether someone fits your preconceived notions, try to approach dating with curiosity.

This means being genuinely interested in discovering new things about the other person, and also about yourself.

As you explore, you might find aspects of the other person that are different from your initial expectations and that can be a good thing.

From Data to Stories

Rather than focusing on collecting data, shift your focus to eliciting stories.

Asking questions that prompt the other person to share experiences, values, and aspirations can reveal much more than factual questions.

For example, instead of asking about someone’s job or education, try asking about a risk they took that changed their life or a rule they secretly love to break.

These types of questions can create intimacy and make the conversation more engaging. The goal is to enter their world and create a shared experience.

Create Shared Experiences

Instead of just interviewing each other over dinner or drinks, try to create a shared experience that you can reflect on together.

Experiencing something together not only gives you something to talk about, but it also allows you to see how the other person interacts with the world.

This could be anything from going for a walk or bike ride to attending a concert or an art exhibition.

The goal is to step outside the ordinary and create meaningful connections through shared activities.

Instead of thinking of dates as rigid, structured events, be open to improvisation, playfulness, and mischief.

This could mean going to a movie, dancing, cooking for each other, or just having fun together.

Invite Them Into Your World

Don’t keep your dating life separate from the rest of your life.

Bring your dates into your life by including them in your social activities with your friends.

This can be a casual way to get to know someone better without the pressure of a traditional date.

Seeing how they interact with your friends and how your friends react to them provides extra data points.

This also shifts away from the hermetically sealed, artificial world of a typical date.

Embrace Curiosity

Curiosity is key to keeping a relationship alive and fresh.

Be curious about who the other person is and who they are becoming.

Approach each interaction with a sense of wonder and a desire to discover new things.

Curiosity is an active engagement with the unknown, and it is essential to counter reactivity and defensiveness.

Micro-Risks

Rather than going for grand gestures, try consistent micro-risks to build trust and connection.

This could be as simple as offering a genuine compliment.

Being vulnerable and sharing something about yourself that they don’t know can also help deepen the connection.

When to Consider Leaving

The first few months of dating are really crucial. This is the time to be assertive and to ask for your needs to be met.

If your basic needs can’t be met in the first month or two, it might be a sign that this relationship isn’t right for you.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to continue dating someone is a personal one, and should be made with a balance of your head and your heart.

• If your values are not aligned: If you have fundamentally different values and long-term goals, the relationship is likely to face challenges.
• When there is a lack of effort: If one or both partners are not making an effort to improve the relationship, or if you are the only one doing all the work, it might be time to end it.
• If you are not being yourself: If you cannot be your true self, and you are not accepted for who you are, the relationship is unlikely to work.

Ask yourself questions such as:

• Do I feel good about myself when I’m with this person?
• Did I feel energised or de-energised?
• How did I feel in my body around this person?
• What side of me did this person bring out?
• Do I trust this person?
• Are we able to communicate openly and effectively with each other?
• Do they treat me and others with respect?
• Do I feel safe to be vulnerable with this person?

Red Flags to Watch Out For

Certain behaviors are considered red flags, and should not be ignored:

• Lack of Respect: Any form of disrespect or mistreatment is a sign the relationship may not be healthy.
• Dishonesty: If you catch them lying or being deceitful early on, it indicates a lack of integrity and trustworthiness.
• Ghosting: If someone disappears or ghosts you, it is a sign of immaturity and fear of communication.
• Love Bombing: Be wary of someone who comes on too strong too quickly. This is when someone overwhelms you with affection and gifts early on. It may be a manipulation tactic.
• Controlling behaviour: If someone tries to isolate you from your friends and family, this may be a red flag that they are trying to control you.
• Talking badly about an ex: If someone is constantly blaming their ex or talking negatively about them, it shows a lack of self-reflection.