What should I do if I’m interested in a friend who already has a partner?

Navigating feelings for a friend who has a partner is a complex situation that requires careful consideration.

Ultimately, expressing your feelings is a risk, and the outcome is uncertain. Being vulnerable requires courage. In general, and regardless of romantic intentions, the most important aspect of all relationships is a genuine connection.

1. Consider Your Motivations

Why this is important:

Take time to understand your emotions before doing anything.

Ask yourself why you’re drawn to your friend – is this a genuine, lasting love or could it be loneliness or jealousy?

Ensure you’re not just caught up in the idea of them.

Acknowledge to yourself that these feelings exist (it’s okay to have them), but remember that acknowledging doesn’t mean you must act on them​.

Examine your feelings to understand if they are fleeting or hold deeper significance.

By sorting out your emotions first, you’ll make a clearer decision and be less likely to act impulsively.

Your ‘why’:

• Genuine Affection: Is your attraction based on a deep connection, shared values, and mutual respect? Or is it driven by something else?
• External Factors: Are you feeling lonely, bored, or seeking excitement? Are you idealising your friend’s life or relationship? What void are you trying to fill?
• Reality vs. Fantasy: It’s easy to idealise a potential relationship, but remember that the reality might not live up to your expectations.

What do you want?

• Commitment vs. Validation: Are you seeking a committed, long-term relationship, or are you primarily seeking validation or attention?
• Desire for Pleasure: Be cautious of being drawn into the moment and a desire for pleasure. The generative drive of the person who wants a committed relationship is not being respected or it’s being undermined by this excess desire for pleasure.
• Realism: Are your expectations realistic? Do you have a clear picture of what a relationship with this person would actually be like?
• Consequences: Have you considered the consequences of your actions on your own well-being, and the well-being of other people?
• Character: Is your focus on the person’s character? If it was about character, you probably wouldn’t be asking if you should tell them, and instead be telling them.

How to do it:

• Journaling: Set aside dedicated time to write about your feelings without censoring yourself. Explore the intensity, triggers, and nuances of your emotions.

• Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your emotions as they arise. This involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This heightened awareness can help you understand your emotional landscape better.
• Friend’s Advice: It might help to confide in a trusted confidant about your feelings to gain perspective.

2. Assess the Situation:

The nature of their relationship:

• Casual vs. Committed: Is your friend casually dating their partner, or are they in a committed, long-term relationship? If they are married, cohabitating, or deeply intertwined, expressing your feelings could have significant consequences.
• Relationship Quality: Observe their interactions. Do they seem happy and fulfilled, or are there signs of conflict or dissatisfaction? However, be cautious about making assumptions based on limited observations.
• Openness to Polyamory: Is it possible that your friend and their partner have an agreement to be open or polyamorous? If so, your approach should be entirely different than if monogamy was an explicit expectation of the relationship.

Your friendship:

• Potential Impact: Carefully consider how expressing your feelings (or not expressing them) might alter the dynamics of your friendship. Could it create awkwardness, tension, or distance?
• Your Intentions: What are your true intentions for the friendship? If it is primarily based on the potential for a romantic relationship, it might not be a genuine friendship.
• Worth the Risk? Is the potential reward of a romantic relationship worth the risk of losing the friendship, especially if their existing relationship is strong?
• Current feelings: Has your ability to enjoy the friend’s company diminished since realising that you have feelings for them? Has it changed the nature of your friendship?

Attachment styles:

• Attachment Theory: Understanding attachment styles can help to make sense of both your response and the response of your friend, should you choose to share your feelings.
• Attachment Styles: Attachment styles have been categorised as secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. Each could affect your response to this situation differently.

3. Communicate or Don’t Communicate

When not to communicate:

• Happy Commitment: If your friend is happily and securely committed to their partner, expressing your feelings could be disruptive, selfish, and disrespectful.
• Negative Intentions: If your primary motivation is to break them up or cause drama, it is unethical to express your feelings.
• Short Term Gratification: If you are really seeking short term gratification, expressing your feelings will likely lead to negative outcomes for everyone involved.
• No Signals: Look for any signals (carefully and objectively) about how they feel toward you. If there’s absolutely no hint of romantic interest from them, confessing could just create awkwardness or pain.

How to communicate (if you choose to):

• Intention: You should be clear about your intentions from the start, for example, by stating it’s a date (not hanging out) when you ask them to meet. This could extend to the expression of your feelings in general: that your intentions are to make your feelings known.
• Honesty and Directness: Express your feelings clearly and honestly, but without placing demands or expectations on them.
• Emphasise Friendship: Reiterate that you value their friendship and wouldn’t want to jeopardise it. Make it clear that their friendship is more important than any romantic hope.
• Timing: Don’t have this conversation on a day that’s important for their relationship (like their anniversary or right before their partner’s birthday party), and don’t blurt it out in a moment of high emotion or conflict. A thoughtful, planned discussion in a private setting will go much smoother than a spontaneous confession at a bad time.
• Location Pick a calm, private setting where you won’t be interrupted (but avoid overly intense setups like their home late at night). A neutral public-but-quiet space like a coffee shop is often good.
• “I” Statements: Frame your expressions in terms of your own feelings, rather than making accusations or demands.
• Example: “I’ve developed feelings for you, and I wanted to be honest. I value our friendship deeply, and I understand that you’re in a relationship. I don’t expect you to feel the same way, but I needed to be true to myself.”
• Be Prepared for Any Response: They might be flattered but committed to staying with their partner, they might need time to think, or they might even share that they don’t feel the same way.

4. Ethical Advice

Respect Their Existing Relationship:

Think beyond your own desires. Pursuing someone who is taken can cause emotional pain to multiple people – your friend, their partner, and potentially you if things go badly.

A good ethical guideline is the “Golden Rule”: put yourself in the partner’s shoes. How would you feel if someone were trying to steal your significant other?

Reminding yourself that “what goes around comes around” can reinforce the need to not cause harm​.

In the long run, you want all parties to be okay – including maintaining your friend’s trust and happiness.

Sometimes real love means wanting the best for someone, even if you aren’t part of their romantic life.

Respect Boundaries:

• Accept Their Decision: If they don’t reciprocate your feelings, accept their decision gracefully. Do not pressure them, argue, or try to change their mind.
• Create Distance: Consider limiting contact for a while so you can recalibrate your feelings​. You don’t have to cut them out of your life completely (especially if you value the friendship), but scaling back on how often you see or talk to them can help.
  
  This might also include muting or unfollowing them on social media for now, so you’re not constantly reminded of them and their partner. Creating a healthy distance gives you room to miss them less and regain your emotional balance. It’s a form of self-protection while you heal.
• Avoid Triangulation: Do not involve yourself in their relationship issues, offer unsolicited advice, or try to come between them.

Maintain Integrity and Honesty:

Handle the situation in a way you can be proud of later.

This means being honest with yourself about your intentions and avoiding any sneaky or manipulative behavior.

Don’t flirt excessively behind the partner’s back or try to create rifts; such actions can lead to guilt and regret.

Keeping your integrity also means that if your friend ever did reciprocate, you’d want it to happen the right way – with them ending their current relationship before starting anything with you, so that everyone is treated fairly.