Deciding whether or not to call him depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Your situation is unique, and the best course of action depends entirely on the history and nature of your relationship.
1. Understanding Your Motivations
Before you even consider picking up the phone, it’s absolutely vital to understand why you want to call.
This isn’t about second-guessing yourself, but about bringing conscious awareness to the emotions and needs driving your desire to connect.
By honestly examining your motivations, you can approach the situation from a place of self-awareness, which is a more effective way to initiate communication than being driven by raw emotion.
This will also help you manage the uncertainty of the interaction.
If you are considering calling, self-reflect and consider whether you are trying to get your needs met or whether your actions are rooted in some level of neediness.
What are the underlying emotions driving your desire to call?
Before you call, reflect on how you feel when you think about contacting this person.
Are you feeling lonely, hurt, confused, or hopeful?
If you feel resentment, anger, or frustration, it might be a sign that you need to set a boundary in that area.
It’s important to check in with your body and use that as a guide.
Recognising these emotions can help you manage your expectations and reactions if you do make contact.
What do you hope to achieve by calling him?
Consider what you want to achieve by contacting this person. Do you have any expectations for the call?
Are you seeking a specific outcome, such as reconciliation, an apology, or simply to re-establish contact?
Do you want to communicate your feelings, express yourself, or just to “close the loop”?
- Are you seeking validation? Perhaps you feel that your sense of self is tied to this other person, and you want their validation or affection in order to feel like you are still important or like you matter.
- Are you seeking clarity? Or, you may be trying to make sense of the past, and you need information from them in order to do so.
- Are you trying to control the situation? If you feel like you are trying to influence the other person’s reactions, or to obtain a particular result by your actions, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
- Are you expecting him to change? It is important to be realistic about whether this person is capable of giving you the change that you need.
2. When Reaching Out Might Be a Positive Step
There are specific situations in which contacting him could be beneficial:
You Want to Reconnect:
If you want to reconnect, don’t hold back.
Use an “I” statement that is about your desires and does not put any expectations on them.
For example, you could say something like:’
I’ve been thinking about you. It’s been a long time since we’ve been in touch, and I’m curious about how you are. I’d love to meet up if that’s something you’d like too.
When Seeking Clarity:
Perhaps you are feeling confused about something that happened in the relationship, and you would like to understand things from his point of view.
This can be a valid reason to reach out, because understanding how others think and feel can help you move forward.
To Facilitate Healing and Repair:
It is possible to reach out to someone as an act of self-care and self-respect, particularly if you have a desire to move beyond a painful situation.
You might reach out in order to heal and repair the relationship because he is important.
When a Relationship Feels “Unfinished”:
If you’re feeling stuck in the past, reaching out to close a loop or to feel complete with a past relationship could help you move forward.
Sometimes, it is helpful to talk to the person who hurt you. However, it may be necessary to do this at the right time and not necessarily immediately.
Think about how the other person is likely to respond.
Will they be defensive or will they be able to hear you?
3. When Reaching Out Might Be Counterproductive
There are also times when reaching out might not be the most beneficial path, especially when you consider these possible problems:
If You Are Trying to Force a Response:
Trying to pressure someone into responding in a particular way can backfire and cause even more distance.
It’s crucial to be realistic.
You cannot control the other person’s reaction or behavior.
If you call him with specific hopes or desires, you might be disappointed, and it may be better to reach out without specific expectations.
If the Person is Consistently Dismissive or Hurtful:
If you are repeatedly treated poorly, it can be damaging to your self-esteem to continue engaging with that person.
You may need to limit your contact or change the way that you interact with this person so that you get your needs met.
If You Are Trying to Make Him Feel Better for Hurting You:
If you find yourself falling into a pattern of excusing bad behaviour, this is completely twisted and not good for you.
You deserve to be treated well and with respect.
There a Pattern of Avoidance:
If this person has an avoidant attachment style, reaching out may stir up their emotions and cause confusion.
Think about whether maintaining no contact would be better for your own peace and healing.
If they have previously discarded you or ended things, ask yourself if contacting them will bring you closer to peace or re-open old wounds.
If someone has blocked you on social media, it may be a sign that you should move on.
2. How to Reach Out Effectively
If you decide that contacting him is the right step, the way in which you do it is critical.
Be gentle with yourself – reaching out takes courage, and the attempt matters more than the outcome.
When communicating, maintain a calm, clear tone while expressing yourself authentically.
Embrace uncertainty
Relationships are complex, and there are no guarantees.
You may reach out and not receive a response, or you may not receive the response you wanted.
You have to be prepared to accept whatever happens and not take the outcome personally.
Approach conversations as open invitations rather than demands
You are inviting the other person into a conversation, not demanding that they provide you with what you need.
If they are not receptive to your invitation, allow for that, and don’t apply pressure to them or try to force a particular response.
Use curious, story-based communication that invites sharing, like “I’ve been wondering about you” rather than “Why haven’t you been in touch?”
A story creates intimacy, and can lead to better understanding.
The key is creating a welcoming space for dialogue while staying true to your feelings and respecting the other person’s response.
Be willing to change yourself
It may be necessary to change your attitude or approach to the relationship if you want to see change.
If you are unhappy with the relationship, it might be necessary to change yourself and how you are acting in it, because if you want to change the other person, start by changing yourself.
Consider his perspective
Try to consider how he may respond, and what his motivations might be.
This doesn’t mean you should let their perspective define the situation, but that you can approach them with greater care.
Sensitive Topics
Frame your communication in terms of your own feelings and experiences rather than placing blame.
Instead of saying “You made me feel…”, try “I felt…” or “I experienced…”
This can be particularly important when discussing difficult or sensitive topics.
Another strategy that could help you break through a difficult situation is to introduce an element of play or creativity.
This can be as simple as asking a series of questions or engaging in an activity that is related to the questions you need to address.
