What Makes A Man Fall In Love

A man tends to fall in love when physical attraction, emotional safety, shared values, and a little mystery come together. No single factor does it alone. Attachment style shapes how fast he falls.

Men aren’t all the same: their personality, culture, family dynamics, upbringing, and personal experiences influence what makes them fall in love.

Some men are emotionally open and fall in love more easily, while others find it difficult to feel and build a deep emotional connection to someone.

The following factors that help a man fall in love are based on the assumption that he’s open to love and true intimacy.

There’s physical attraction and chemistry

Research has shown that when it comes to short-term dating, men put more emphasis on physical appearance and sexual availability (Buss & Schmitt, 2019).

That can include her looks, how she laughs or holds herself, her aura, and maybe even something that can’t quite be explained (“there’s just something about her”).

Men are attracted to fertility cues (signs that she’s fertile) such as clear skin, symmetrical face, healthy body shape, and youthfulness. Much of this happens below conscious awareness.

It’s important to many men that there’s strong sexual chemistry and at least some overlap in their sexual preferences and inclinations.

Initially, a man will experience infatuation (sexual attraction, passion, lust), driven by testosterone and the instinct to reproduce.

It’s unlikely he will experience love at this stage, but it will build the foundation for love to develop.

What about sex?

Women have long been told not to have sex with a man if they want him to fall in love with them. There are two arguments for this:

1. From an evolutionary standpoint, men’s “reproductive success” increases through multiple partners i.e., they pass their genes on more widely. So, once you’ve had sex, he moves on to the next person.
2. During the infatuation phase, men’s testosterone is higher and blocks oxytocin (the attachment hormone). Over time, as the emotional connection increases, oxytocin also increases, and they become more attached. Thus, if you wait until there’s an emotional connection, he’ll be more attached when you have sex.

However, it’s not always true that if you have sex with a man early on he’ll inevitably lose interest.

If a man likes you and is emotionally open to love, he’ll stick around regardless of sex.

While sex itself might not be essential for falling in love, the intimacy and connection fostered through a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship could contribute to a deeper emotional bond.

What Helps Attraction Grow

You don’t have to be good-looking for men to fall in love with you. However, looking after yourself physically and mentally is attractive because it signals you’re healthy. 

Flirting, teasing, and engaging in lighthearted banter can help to maintain a sense of attraction and desire. Keep it light.

Lighthearted flirting can include:

• Playful touches
• Compliments
• Suggestive jokes
• Simply expressing your admiration for him in a lighthearted way

Instead of sticking to safe and predictable topics of conversation, ask him thought-provoking questions, share interesting stories, and engage him in discussions that stimulate his mind.

Dating coach Matthew Hussey describes how he met his wife, Audrey, in a bar. What drew him in was not a rehearsed line.

It was an unforced question about the boxing match on the TV they were both watching. Hussey says the question mattered far less than the fact that a comfortable, pressure-free exchange had begun.

He calls this a “semi-external focus”.

Standing side by side and commenting on something shared feels safer than a face-to-face approach. It does not leave the other person feeling trapped.

Some men won’t move beyond infatuation. Once they’ve satisfied their desire, they might pull away, break up with you, or ghost you (in this case, you might be dealing with a player).

For long-term relationships, men value loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, and traits that suggest a woman will be a good partner and mother.   

Does the Three-Day Rule Work?

Popular dating advice says that waiting a few days to text after a first date makes you seem more desirable. Teichmann et al. (2026) tested the idea directly.

The experiment had 543 participants. Each imagined receiving a text from their date immediately, the next morning, or two days later.

The results:

• Timing: Texting the next morning produced the strongest relationship intentions, chemistry, and motivation to meet again.
• Pattern: The effect was an inverted U, so a longer wait did not keep helping, as the rule assumes.
• Why: Perceived reciprocity and reliability explained it, not any sense of playing hard to get.
• Gender: Women’s ratings followed the inverted U closely. Men’s relationship intentions were not significantly affected by timing, and men rated their intentions, chemistry, and motivation higher overall.

If this holds up, men may be less swayed by early contact games than the folk wisdom assumes.

He feels emotionally connected to you

While a man is looking for “the one”, he’ll probably date multiple people and keep it casual until he finds a person he clicks with.

Physical attraction may initiate a spark, but it’s the emotional connection that will make him want to stay and fuel the flame of love.

During the dating stage, he’ll want to get to know you and share his time, hobbies, and thoughts with you. Romantic feelings can develop. His focus may start to narrow on you.

A man falls in love when he feels deeply connected and bonded to you.

He needs to feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable.

Sharing our inner world means sharing our fears, aspirations, and insecurities. Safety comes first. A partner who listens with empathy and validation creates a safe space for emotional connection to flourish.

It is through this reciprocal exchange of vulnerability that trust is built and a deeper bond is forged (Laurenceau et al., 1998).

Intimacy tends to grow through a repeating cycle of self-disclosure. One partner shares something meaningful. The other responds in a way that feels understanding, validating, and caring. That response makes the next disclosure feel safer.

“I really struggle to open up to people so when I met my girlfriend and she provided a space for me to share and just offload, it made me feel really close to her.”

How to Build an Emotional Connection

Genuine love and emotional connection take time to build, but once he feels attached to you, he’ll experience love and want to commit to you.

You build an emotional connection by:

• Showing empathy and understanding for his feelings
• Being genuine and open encourages him to be honest too
• Listening and providing a space for him to share without judgment
• Being vulnerable and expressing your emotions, feelings, and experiences 

Couples who engage in novel experiences, step outside their comfort zones, and discover new things together are more likely to experience a sense of aliveness and excitement.

Research links shared novel, arousing activities, rather than merely pleasant, familiar ones, to higher relationship quality (Aron et al., 2000).

This shared exploration, infused with a spirit of adventure, can deepen emotional connection and create a foundation for love.

You share values and goals

Don’t mistake initial attraction and chemistry for long-term compatibility.

While those feelings are important, they are not always reliable indicators of whether a couple is truly suited for building a life together.

It’s important to consider shared values and goals when evaluating a potential partner.

When your values and goals align, even partly, it is easier for him to see a future with you. He is then more likely to fall in love.

“We’re just so compatible, you know? We like a lot of the same things and we both want a family and to live somewhere in nature. Even when we disagree on something, we just talk it out because communication is important to both of us. It feels really easy – at least most of the time!”

Sharing what you care about and want in the future creates a strong foundation of compatibility and mutual understanding.

It means you’re aligned on things like family, career, and lifestyle choices, which reduces conflict and creates a more harmonious environment.

Shared values provide a solid foundation for navigating the inevitable challenges that arise in any long-term relationship.

When couples have a similar outlook on life, they are more likely to approach decision-making and conflict resolution from a place of understanding and respect, even when they disagree.

Shared values and goals are crucial for building a lasting and fulfilling relationship, a “life story,” but may not be as critical for a fleeting “love story.”

A love story can be a passionate, intense, and often short-lived experience that thrives on mystery, novelty, and the excitement of the unknown.

It may not require a deep alignment of values, as it exists in a somewhat self-contained bubble, separate from the practicalities of everyday life.

A life story means building a life together. It involves family, finances, career aspirations, and personal growth.

This requires a greater degree of compatibility in terms of values, goals, and visions for the future.

Embrace Your Independence

A man is more likely to desire you when he sees that you have a life outside of him, with your own interests, passions, and friendships.

This doesn’t mean neglecting the relationship. It means showing you are a complete, fulfilled person who chooses to be with him, not someone who needs him to feel whole.

Absence and Longing

Desire is often fueled by absence and longing. Spending time apart, whether physically or emotionally, can create a space for him to miss you and appreciate your presence more fully.

That time apart can take several forms:

• Pursuing your own activities
• Spending time with friends
• Giving him space to pursue his own interests

When you come back together, there will be a renewed sense of appreciation and excitement.

Esther Perel on Separateness and Desire

Esther Perel is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She hosts the Where Should We Begin? podcast.

In a CBC News interview, she discusses the importance of having a diverse network of relationships outside of the romantic partnership.

She argues that expecting one person to fulfill all of our needs for intimacy and connection is unrealistic and can put undue strain on a relationship.

By cultivating meaningful friendships and connections outside of the romantic relationship, individuals can create a more balanced and fulfilling life, which in turn can enhance the romantic partnership.

Perel also describes a paradox. In a public talk on eroticism and long-term relationships, she argues that stable couples must reconcile two conflicting needs.

Intimacy needs security, stability, and dependability. Desire needs adventure, novelty, mystery, and risk.

She does not see a fix. She sees a paradox to manage, because what makes people feel safe is often not what keeps them excited. People who give up their own friendships and interests, she suggests, lose some of the “otherness” that keeps a partner interested.

Psychology of Love

According to research (Galperin & Haselton, 2010), several factors can increase or decrease a man’s experience of love, including:

• Context: Where and how a couple meets shapes whether attraction takes hold.
• Mystery: Not knowing everything about a partner helps sustain desire.
• Personality and Beliefs: Extraverted, open, sensitive, and romantic men tend to fall in love more often.
• Maturity: Emotionally mature men are drawn to substance more than casual games.
• Attachment Style: Early relationships shape how readily a man bonds and how safe closeness feels.

Context

Attraction and love do not occur in a vacuum. The setting in which two people meet shapes them.

A man may be more likely to fall in love with a woman if they meet somewhere conducive to romance. A shared activity helps. So does a place that allows meaningful conversation.

A noisy bar or a dating app may give a spark of attraction less to work with.

A classic study suggests arousal can be misread as attraction. Dutton and Aron (1974) had an attractive female interviewer approach men shortly after they crossed a high, swaying suspension bridge or a low, solid one.

Men on the frightening bridge wrote more sexual content into their stories. They were also more likely to contact her afterwards.

The proposed explanation is misattribution of arousal: mistaking bodily arousal from one source for a feeling about something else. A racing heart could mean fear, excitement, or attraction.

Without an obvious alternative cause, a man may credit some of it to the woman in front of him.

The evidence is mixed, though. Some reruns reproduced the effect and others did not. Tests of the explanation itself favoured other accounts (see the Evidence Check below). A shared, exciting activity may still give attraction more to work with than a calm, comfortable setting does.

Mystery

A certain degree of mystery is important for sustaining desire.

If a man feels like he knows everything about a woman, it can lead to a loss of interest.

Maintaining a sense of individuality and independence within a relationship is important.

Men are often drawn to novelty and surprise and need a sense of excitement and unpredictability in their relationships.

If a relationship becomes too routine and predictable, it can lead to boredom and a loss of desire.

Research suggests why. Goss et al. (2022) studied self-expansion: new experiences that help people grow. They asked how it keeps sexual desire alive in established couples.

They found two routes from new experiences to desire:

• Closeness: feeling more connected to a partner.
• Otherness: seeing a partner in a new light and realising there is still more to learn about them.

Three studies tested this. They were a 21-day daily study, a one-month weekly study, and an experiment.

In each, self-expansion was linked to more closeness and otherness, and through them to higher desire. The route through otherness was significant in the daily and experimental studies.

So both closeness and otherness matter.

Personality and Romantic Beliefs

Men with certain personality traits tend to fall in love more often. These include extraversion, openness to experience, and emotional sensitivity.

This is likely because these traits expose them to social situations more often or make them more willing to engage emotionally.

Romantic beliefs matter too. Men who believe in ideals like love at first sight and soulmates tend to fall in love more often. This might be because such beliefs lead them to read infatuation or initial attraction as falling in love.

Two further findings stand out. In the same research, men were more prone to fall in love if they tended to overestimate women’s sexual interest. They were also more prone if they highly valued physical attractiveness in potential partners (Galperin & Haselton, 2010).

The evidence for an overall sex difference was mixed.

Maturity

Emotionally immature men and those interested in playing games might prefer more casual relationships.

They might be interested in women who give them pleasure, stroke their egos, clean up after them, and have sex every day.

So, if you’re looking for love and real connection, it’ll be easier with an emotionally mature man who’s interested in finding something of substance and meaning.

Attachment style

Understanding a man’s early relationships and attachment style is key to understanding what makes him fall in love.

His first experiences of love will influence his expression of love, his emotional needs, and his perception of intimacy.

Attachment theory explains why. John Bowlby proposed that repeated early experiences of being comforted, or not comforted, when distressed build an internal working model. This is a mental template of what to expect from other people and from oneself (Bowlby, 1969/1982).

In adulthood, it becomes the lens for reading romantic partners.

Men with a secure attachment style are more likely to fall in love as they find it easier to form close, intimate bonds.

Men with an avoidant attachment style may fall in love less often because they’re more emotionally distant and put great importance on their independence.

Hazan and Shaver (1987) tested this idea. They asked whether adult romantic love follows the same three attachment patterns Bowlby described in infants. Readers of a newspaper “love quiz” and a sample of college students chose which of three short paragraphs best described how they feel in close relationships.

The three styles appeared in roughly the proportions seen in infants:

• Secure (around 56%): relationships described as trusting, friendly, and lasting.
• Anxious/ambivalent (around 19%): love marked by obsessive preoccupation, jealousy, and emotional highs and lows.
• Avoidant (around 25%): a fear of closeness and the lowest reported trust.

Each style was also linked, in people’s memories, to a different picture of childhood with their parents. Because the study relied on self-report at one point in time, it shows association, not cause. Later longitudinal studies find attachment style durable, not fixed.

If his attachment style is avoidant, it’s important to be patient and allow trust and emotional connection to build over time.

He’s not incapable of love, he just needs to know that it’s safe to be open and vulnerable with you.

Men and vulnerability: cultural and societal context

Love requires a willingness to be vulnerable. For men, who have historically been expected to be emotionally restrained, it can be challenging to let their guard down and feel emotionally exposed.

There can be tension between the societal expectations of masculinity (stoic, strong, independent, dominant) and the vulnerability required to fall in love (Kimmel, 1993).

Some men might struggle to find a balance between these pressures, which can affect how they navigate falling in love and building a relationship.

Men seek intimacy and connection. Many struggle to express their needs and emotions.

Meeting the right person changes that. Falling in love lets them express feelings they might otherwise feel pressure to suppress, especially around male friends.

Falling in love can feel especially powerful for men, terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

Do Men Need Romantic Love More Than Women?

A common stereotype says women are the more romantic sex. Wahring et al. (2024) challenge it in a review of research on mixed-gender relationships.

Compared with women, men expect more benefits from having a partner and try harder to get one. They gain more mental and physical health from a relationship. They are also less likely to start a breakup and suffer more when one ends.

Their explanation is emotional support, not any innate romantic temperament. Men tend to rely more on a female partner for intimacy and support. They often have fewer emotionally open friendships to fall back on.

That helps explain why openness is such a powerful hook. If a partner is one of very few people he can be open with, the relief is bigger.

Cultural differences

What makes men fall in love varies across cultures.

Although evolutionary psychology suggests that men universally prefer physical attractiveness, youth, and chastity (refraining from extramarital sex), it’s not as black and white as that.

Men’s priorities differ from culture to culture. Depending on where they grow up, men may value:

• Confidence, independence, shared interests, and equality in the relationship
• Family orientation, nurturing, modesty, respect for cultural and religious values, and domestic skills
• Emotional restraint, family reputation, and a good education
• Physical affection, warmth, and strong family bonds

What makes men fall in love varies between cultures, and it also varies greatly within them. There isn’t only one recipe.

Limits of the Research on Men and Love

The research behind these factors has real limits. Most studies rely on self-report, so they show what people say they want, not whom they choose (Galperin & Haselton, 2010).

Many studies are also a single snapshot. That cannot show what caused what. A link between attachment style and relationship satisfaction, for example, could run either way (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

Samples lean towards Western, educated, industrialised, rich, and democratic populations, often university students. Wider studies find a far more varied picture, as the cultural section above shows.

Averages are not rules. On average, men weigh physical attractiveness slightly more than women do (Buss & Schmitt, 2019). That tells no individual woman how to look or behave to be loved.

Critics add that classic mate-preference work centred on heterosexual pairs. How well it describes gay and bisexual men’s experience remains open.

The factors above are not independent switches either. Attachment style, for instance, shapes how a man experiences masculine norms in the first place.

How to Make a Man Want You More

He feels respected and appreciated

Feeling accepted for who he is with flaws and all is an amazing feeling for men (and women).

When a woman recognizes his worth and makes him feel like he matters, he won’t want to lose that.

A man needs to feel like he can make you happy and satisfied. Many men want to feel masculine and take on the role of the provider.

He wants you to think he’s capable, smart, and brave, and that you think the world of him.

“The first time I saw my girlfriend first thing in the morning without make-up on and messy hair and she was still so confident and carefree, I thought wow, I love this girl. I think it was because she just accepted herself and that meant I could also be myself.”

How to Make Him Feel Respected

Show him appreciation for what he does, share what you love about him, and let him know when you’re impressed by him.

If you constantly criticize and put him down, he will put his guard up and shut down emotionally.

He’s not looking for a “perfect” person: it’ll be much easier for him to be open and vulnerable when you show him your flaws and quirks.

You’re confident and secure

An emotionally mature man falls in love with a woman who is emotionally strong, goal-driven, and inspires him.

They want a woman who is open to love and can show him how she wants to be loved.

Women who play mind games are not attractive to an emotionally secure man. He’s looking for someone who feels reasonably secure in relationships.

“I was so impressed by her confidence from the beginning. She knows exactly who she is and she always stands her ground. She’s always been herself and I love that about her.”

How to Show Confidence and Security

Men are often drawn to women who are radiant, confident, and self-sufficient.

This doesn’t mean that women need to be perfect or have it all together. In fact, men often find vulnerability attractive, as long as it is not excessive.

What matters is being comfortable in her own skin. Passion for something helps too.

When a man sees a woman who is living her life to the fullest, it makes him want to be a part of it.

Be yourself. He’ll realize eventually if you’re putting on a front. Never compromise your self-respect, worth, and morals.

Ask for what you want without being passive-aggressive, expect to be treated with respect, and hold onto your boundaries and standards.

Research on self-esteem shows why security matters. People with lower self-esteem tend to doubt that a partner truly values them (Murray et al., 2000). That doubt leads them to pull back defensively rather than risk the relationship, which can become self-fulfilling.

An emotionally mature man isn’t looking for a “doormat”.

You embrace your femininity

Some men put great importance on a woman embracing her feminine side.

This is not about being submissive or passive, but being in touch with her femininity as a life-giver and nurturer, and being a positive influence and presence.

Emotionally secure men want a woman who is in tune with herself and feels comfortable in her mind and body.

“A woman who loves being a woman is a keeper in my opinion – I don’t want another “bro”. She doesn’t have to be girly but she should look after herself inside and outside. For me, it’s really important that she cares about people and being a good person – I think it’s the mother instinct.”

Exploring Your Own Femininity

It can be difficult to balance sensitivity, empathy, nurturance, and warmth with characteristics needed to succeed in a male-dominated world. Explore what femininity means to you and how you’d like to express it.

However, this might not appeal to you at all, in which case you probably don’t want to be with a man who puts great importance on femininity. 

He can live his purpose with you

When a man feels a woman supports and encourages his life goals and personal missions, he’s more likely to fall in love.

“I always loved music and wanted to become a professional musician. I knew it was stupid and that I’d never make it but my wife (girlfriend at the time) believed in me more than I did. She always came to my shows and encouraged me when I was doubting myself. I felt like she saw the person in me that I wanted to be.”

How to Support His Purpose

Support his dreams. If he feels you’re standing in the way of his purpose, he’ll probably distance himself from you emotionally.

That means, don’t make fun of his aspirations and don’t discourage him from pursuing them, even if it’s unlikely he’ll succeed.

Talk to him about it and show an interest instead.

Another way to allow him to live his purpose is by living your own.

When you pursue what makes you feel happy and fulfilled, he’ll feel he can do it too.

You hold him accountable and encourage him

As well as supporting his purpose, an emotionally mature man wants a woman who holds him accountable and helps him to become the best version of himself.

A man falls in love with a woman who pushes him and inspires him, doesn’t let him get away with being a lesser version of himself, and holds him responsible.

 “She always expects the best of me, she won’t accept any less. If I mess up, she lets me know “I expected more of you” and that keeps me on my toes”

“Knowing she believes in me means I step up and face my fears. If I’ve got a big meeting or deadline and she looks me dead in the eye and says, “You got this, I believe in you!”, I feel like I can take on the whole world.”

How to Encourage and Hold Him Accountable

Be his believer and cheerleader, help him to create a plan for what he wants to achieve, and hold him accountable with support and encouragement.

Evidence Check: Does Fear Heighten Attraction?

Verdict: Mixed or contested.

This check tests one idea from the Context section: that arousal, such as fear, makes a man more attracted to a woman who is present.

It does not test the attachment-style claims or the other factors above. The effect appeared in some reruns and not in others. The explanation behind it is the weaker part.

In the original bridge study, men met an attractive female interviewer on a fear-arousing suspension bridge or on a non-fear-arousing bridge (Dutton & Aron, 1974).

Sexual content in their stories and attempts to contact her afterwards were both significantly greater on the fear-arousing bridge. The bridges did not differ for men approached by a male interviewer.

Reruns disagree:

• Kenrick et al. (1979): four studies all failed to reproduce the attraction finding.
• Allen et al. (1989): the fear method gave enhanced attraction, and an exercise study found that arousal facilitated attraction.
• Riordan and Tedeschi (1983): in a shock design, a confederate absent during the threat was more attractive than one present.

The misattribution explanation fares worse.

Directing attention to the true source of arousal did not reduce attraction in the fear study (Allen et al., 1989). Riordan and Tedeschi (1983) found that negative reinforcement and classical conditioning fitted their results better than misattribution did.

Kenrick et al. (1979) found that people correctly blamed an aversive situation for their arousal.

How far can this be trusted? No meta-analysis, a pooled analysis of many studies, was found for this idea.

None of these studies reports its sample size or preregistration (a public plan filed in advance) in its abstract. So size cannot settle it.

The most trustworthy evidence is the original bridge comparison, because it includes a male-interviewer comparison. The rerun that weighs most against it is Kenrick et al. (1979), a multi-study report from a different team.

The safe reading is cautious. Fear-based arousal can heighten a man’s attraction (Dutton & Aron, 1974; Allen et al., 1989). Four further studies failed to reproduce it (Kenrick et al., 1979). The effect is contested, not established.

The idea that men mislabel fear as attraction was not supported where it was tested directly (Allen et al., 1989; Riordan & Tedeschi, 1983).

Treat a thrilling shared activity as a pleasant extra, not a proven shortcut to love.

Further reading

• Drescher, A. (2023). How do you get a man to emotionally open up to you? Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-do-you-get-a-man-to-emotionally-open-up-to-you.html
• Drescher, A. (2024). We accept the love we think we deserve. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/we-accept-the-love-we-think-we-deserve.html
• Drescher, A. (2024). 11 body language signs a guy likes you. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/signs-a-guy-likes-you-body-language.html   

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