How men fall in love depends on many factors. Men aren’t all the same – their personality, culture, family dynamics, upbringing, and personal experiences influence what makes them fall in love.
Some men are emotionally open and fall in love more easily, while others find it difficult to feel and build a deep emotional connection to someone.
The following factors that help a man fall in love are based on the assumption that he’s open to love and true intimacy.
There’s physical attraction and chemistry
Research has shown that when it comes to short-term dating, men put more emphasis on physical appearance and sexual availability.
That can include her looks, how she laughs or holds herself, her aura, and maybe even something that can’t quite be explained (“there’s just something about her”).
Men are attracted to fertility cues (signs that she’s fertile) such as clear skin, symmetrical face, healthy body shape, and youthfulness.
It’s important to many men that there’s strong sexual chemistry and at least some overlap in their sexual preferences and inclinations.
Initially, a man will experience infatuation (sexual attraction, passion, lust), driven by testosterone and the instinct to reproduce.
It’s unlikely he will experience love at this stage, but it will build the foundation for love to develop.
What about sex?
Women have long been told not to have sex with a man if they want him to fall in love with them. There are two arguments for this:
- From an evolutionary standpoint, men’s “reproductive success” increases through multiple partners i.e., they pass their genes on more widely. So, once you’ve had sex, he moves on to the next person.
- During the infatuation phase, men’s testosterone is higher and blocks oxytocin (the attachment hormone). Over time, as the emotional connection increases, oxytocin also increases, and they become more attached. Thus, if you wait until there’s an emotional connection, he’ll be more attached when you have sex.
However, it’s not always true that if you have sex with a man early on he’ll inevitably lose interest. If a man likes you and is emotionally open to love, he’ll stick around regardless of sex.
While sex itself might not be essential for falling in love, the intimacy and connection fostered through a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship could contribute to a deeper emotional bond.
Advice:
You don’t have to be good-looking for men to fall in love with you. However, looking after yourself physically and mentally is attractive because it signals you’re healthy.
Flirting, teasing, and engaging in lighthearted banter can help to maintain a sense of attraction and desire. This could involve playful touches, compliments, suggestive jokes, or simply expressing your admiration for him in a lighthearted way.
Instead of sticking to safe and predictable topics of conversation, ask him thought-provoking questions, share interesting stories, and engage him in discussions that stimulate his mind.
Some men won’t move beyond infatuation and once they’ve satisfied their desire, they might pull away, break up with you, or ghost you (in this case, you might be dealing with a player).
For long-term relationships, men value loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, and traits that suggest a woman will be a good partner and mother.
He feels emotionally connected to you
While a man is looking for “the one”, he’ll probably date multiple people and keep it casual until he finds a person he clicks with.
Physical attraction may initiate a spark, but it’s the emotional connection that will make him want to stay and fuel the flame of love.
During the dating stage, he’ll want to get to know you and share his time, hobbies, and thoughts with you. Romantic feelings can develop and he might start narrowing his focus on you.
A man falls in love when he feels deeply connected and bonded to you. He needs to feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable.
The willingness to share our inner world, our fears, aspirations, and insecurities, with a partner who listens with empathy and validation, creates a safe space for emotional connection to flourish.
It is through this reciprocal exchange of vulnerability that trust is built and a deeper bond is forged.
“I really struggle to open up to people so when I met my girlfriend and she provided a space for me to share and just offload, it made me feel really close to her.”
Advice:
Genuine love and emotional connection take time to build, but once he feels attached to you, he’ll experience love and want to commit to you.
You build an emotional connection by:
- Showing empathy and understanding for his feelings
- Being genuine and open encourages him to be honest too
- Listening and providing a space for him to share without judgment
- Being vulnerable and expressing your emotions, feelings, and experiences
Couples who engage in novel experiences, step outside their comfort zones, and discover new things together are more likely to experience a sense of aliveness and excitement.
This shared exploration, infused with a spirit of adventure, can deepen emotional connection and create a foundation for love.
You share values and goals
Don’t mistake initial attraction and chemistry for long-term compatibility.
While those feelings are important, they are not always reliable indicators of whether a couple is truly suited for building a life together.
It’s important to consider shared values and goals when evaluating a potential partner.
When your values and goals align (at least to an extent), it will be easier for him to see a future with you and he’s more likely to fall in love.
“We’re just so compatible, you know? We like a lot of the same things and we both want a family and to live somewhere in nature. Even when we disagree on something, we just talk it out because communication is important to both of us. It feels really easy – at least most of the time!”
Sharing what you care about and want in the future creates a strong foundation of compatibility and mutual understanding.
It means you’re aligned on things like family, career, and lifestyle choices, which reduces conflict and creates a more harmonious environment.
Shared values provide a solid foundation for navigating the inevitable challenges that arise in any long-term relationship.
When couples have a similar outlook on life, they are more likely to approach decision-making and conflict resolution from a place of understanding and respect, even when they disagree.
Shared values and goals are crucial for building a lasting and fulfilling relationship, a “life story,” but may not be as critical for a fleeting “love story.
A love story can be a passionate, intense, and often short-lived experience that thrives on mystery, novelty, and the excitement of the unknown.
It may not require a deep alignment of values, as it exists in a somewhat self-contained bubble, separate from the practicalities of everyday life.
A life story involves building a life together, and navigating the complexities of family, finances, career aspirations, and personal growth.
This requires a greater degree of compatibility in terms of values, goals, and visions for the future.
Embrace Your Independence
A man is more likely to desire you when he sees that you have a life outside of him, with your own interests, passions, and friendships.
This doesn’t mean neglecting the relationship, but rather demonstrating that you are a complete and fulfilled individual who chooses to be with him, not someone who needs him to feel whole.
Desire is often fueled by absence and longing. Spending time apart, whether physically or emotionally, can create a space for him to miss you and appreciate your presence more fully.
This could involve pursuing your own activities, spending time with friends, or even just giving him space to pursue his interests. When you come back together, there will be a renewed sense of appreciation and excitement.
Esther Perel discusses the importance of having a diverse network of relationships outside of the romantic partnership.
She argues that expecting one person to fulfill all of our needs for intimacy and connection is unrealistic and can put undue strain on a relationship.
By cultivating meaningful friendships and connections outside of the romantic relationship, individuals can create a more balanced and fulfilling life, which in turn can enhance the romantic partnership.
Psychology of Love
According to research, several factors can increase or decrease a man’s experience of love, including:
Context
It is important to note that attraction and love do not exist in a vacuum. They are influenced by the context in which they occur.
A man may be more likely to fall in love with a woman if they meet in a setting that is conducive to romance, such as a shared activity or a place where they can have meaningful conversations.
Meeting in a noisy bar or on a dating app may not provide the context needed for a spark of attraction.
Mystery
A certain degree of mystery is important for sustaining desire.
If a man feels like he knows everything about a woman, it can lead to a loss of interest.
Maintaining a sense of individuality and independence within a relationship is important.
Men are often drawn to novelty and surprise and need a sense of excitement and unpredictability in their relationships.
If a relationship becomes too routine and predictable, it can lead to boredom and a loss of desire.
Personality
Men with certain personality traits such as extraversion, openness to experience, and emotional sensitivity are more likely to fall in love more often.
This is likely because these traits expose them to social situations more often or make them more willing to engage emotionally.
Romantic beliefs
Men who believe in romantic ideals like love at first sight and soulmates tend to fall in love more often.
This might be because holding these beliefs could make them interpret infatuation or initial attraction as falling in love.
Maturity
Emotionally immature men and those interested in playing games might prefer more casual relationships. They might be interested in women who give them pleasure, stroke their egos, clean up after them, and have sex every day.
So, if you’re looking for love and real connection, it’ll be easier with an emotionally mature man who’s interested in finding something of substance and meaning.
Attachment style
Understanding a man’s early relationships and attachment style is key to understanding what makes him fall in love.
His first experiences of love will influence his expression of love, his emotional needs, and his perception of intimacy.
Men with a secure attachment style are more likely to fall in love as they find it easier to form close, intimate bonds.
Men with an avoidant attachment style may fall in love less often because they’re more emotionally distant and put great importance on their independence.
If his attachment style is avoidant, it’s important to be patient and allow trust and emotional connection to build over time.
He’s not incapable of love, he just needs to know that it’s safe to be open and vulnerable with you.
Men and vulnerability: cultural and societal context
Love requires a willingness to be vulnerable. For men, who have historically been expected to be emotionally restrained, it can be challenging to let their guard down and feel emotionally exposed.
There can be tension between the societal expectations of masculinity (stoic, strong, independent, dominant) and the vulnerability required to fall in love. Some men might struggle to find a balance between these pressures, which can affect how they navigate falling in love and building a relationship.
Men seek intimacy and connection, but they might struggle to express their needs and emotions.
However, if they meet the right person and fall in love, it allows them to express their feelings which they might otherwise feel they have to suppress (especially around their male friends). This can make the experience of falling in love especially powerful for men – it might feel terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
Cultural differences
What makes men fall in love varies across cultures. Although evolutionary psychology suggests that men universally prefer physical attractiveness, youth, and chastity (refraining from extramarital sex), it’s not as black and white as that.
Men in certain cultures look for a woman who is confident, independent, shares their interests, and values equality in the relationship.
In some cultures, men prefer women who prioritize family and nurturing, behave modestly, respect cultural and religious values, and have domestic skills.
In other cultures, men value emotional restraint, family reputation, and a good education. And others again, look for physical affection, warmth, and strong family bonds.
What makes men fall in love varies between cultures and it also varies greatly within cultures – there isn’t only one recipe.
How to Make a man want you more
He feels respected and appreciated
Feeling accepted for who he is with flaws and all is an amazing feeling for men (and women). When a woman recognizes his worth and makes him feel like he matters, he won’t want to lose that.
A man needs to feel like he can make you happy and satisfied. Many men want to feel masculine and take on the role of the provider. He wants you to think he’s capable, smart, and brave, and that you think the world of him.
“The first time I saw my girlfriend first thing in the morning without make-up on and messy hair and she was still so confident and carefree, I thought wow, I love this girl. I think it was because she just accepted herself and that meant I could also be myself.”
Advice:
Show him appreciation for what he does, share what you love about him, and let him know when you’re impressed by him.
If you constantly criticize and put him down, he will put his guard up and shut down emotionally.
He’s not looking for a “perfect” person – it’ll be much easier for him to be open and vulnerable when you show him your flaws and quirks.
You’re confident and secure
An emotionally mature man falls in love with a woman who is emotionally strong, goal-driven, and inspires him.
They want a woman who is open to love and can show him how she wants to be loved.
Women who play mind games are not attractive to an emotionally secure man – he’s looking for someone who feels secure in relationships (more or less, at least).
“I was so impressed by her confidence from the beginning. She knows exactly who she is and she always stands her ground. She’s always been herself and I love that about her.”
Advice:
Men are often drawn to women who are radiant, confident, and self-sufficient.
This doesn’t mean that women need to be perfect or have it all together. In fact, men often find vulnerability attractive, as long as it is not excessive.
What is important is that a woman is comfortable in her own skin and is passionate about something. When a man sees a woman who is living her life to the fullest, it makes him want to be a part of it
Be yourself – he’ll realize eventually if you’re putting on a front. Never compromise your self-respect, worth, and morals.
Ask for what you want without being passive-aggressive, expect to be treated with respect, and hold onto your boundaries and standards.
An emotionally mature man isn’t looking for a “doormat”.
You embrace your femininity
Some men put great importance on a woman embracing her feminine side.
This is not about being submissive or passive, but being in touch with her femininity as a life-giver and nurturer, and being a positive influence and presence.
Emotionally secure men want a woman who is in tune with herself and feels comfortable in her mind and body.
“A woman who loves being a woman is a keeper in my opinion – I don’t want another “bro”. She doesn’t have to be girly but she should look after herself inside and outside. For me, it’s really important that she cares about people and being a good person – I think it’s the mother instinct.”
Advice:
It can be difficult to balance sensitivity, empathy, nurturance, and warmth with characteristics needed to succeed in a male-dominated world. Explore what femininity means to you and how you’d like to express it.
However, this might not appeal to you at all, in which case you probably don’t want to be with a man who puts great importance on femininity.
He can live his purpose with you
When a man feels a woman supports and encourages his life goals and personal missions, he’s more likely to fall in love.
“I always loved music and wanted to become a professional musician. I knew it was stupid and that I’d never make it but my wife (girlfriend at the time) believed in me more than I did. She always came to my shows and encouraged me when I was doubting myself. I felt like she saw the person in me that I wanted to be.”
Advice:
Support his dreams. If he feels you’re standing in the way of his purpose, he’ll probably distance himself from you emotionally.
That means, don’t make fun of his aspirations and don’t discourage him from pursuing them, even if it’s unlikely he’ll succeed. Talk to him about it and show an interest instead.
Another way to allow him to live his purpose is by living your own.
When you pursue what makes you feel happy and fulfilled, he’ll feel he can do it too.
You hold him accountable and encourage him
As well as supporting his purpose, an emotionally mature man wants a woman who holds him accountable and helps him to become the best version of himself.
A man falls in love with a woman who pushes him and inspires him, doesn’t let him get away with being a lesser version of himself, and holds him responsible.
“She always expects the best of me, she won’t accept any less. If I mess up, she lets me know “I expected more of you” and that keeps me on my toes”
“Knowing she believes in me means I step up and face my fears. If I’ve got a big meeting or deadline and she looks me dead in the eye and says, “You got this, I believe in you!”, I feel like I can take on the whole world.”
Advice:
Be his believer and cheerleader, help him to create a plan for what he wants to achieve, and hold him accountable with support and encouragement.
Further reading
- Drescher, A. (2023). How do you get a man to emotionally open up to you? Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-do-you-get-a-man-to-emotionally-open-up-to-you.html
- Drescher, A. (2024). We accept the love we think we deserve. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/we-accept-the-love-we-think-we-deserve.html
- Drescher, A. (2024). 11 body language signs a guy likes you. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/signs-a-guy-likes-you-body-language.html
Sources
Buss, D.M. & Schmitt, D.P. (2019). Mate Preferences and Their Behavioral Manifestations. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 77-110.
Galperin, A., & Haselton, M. (2010). Predictors of How Often and When People Fall in Love. Evolutionary Psychology, 8(1), 5-28.
Kimmel, M.S. (1993). What do men want? Harvard Business Review.
