It is often easier to recognize passive-aggressive behavior in others, but sometimes, we may use passive aggression without realizing it.
Passive-aggressive behavior involves expressing negative feelings in an indirect, subtle, or manipulative way instead of openly communicating them.
Passive-aggressive people avoid direct confrontations about their real feelings and use indirect means to convey their dissatisfaction or anger. There are many ways to deal with other people’s passive-aggression.
It’s important to work on your own passive-aggressive behavior because it can damage relationships, create negative environments, and prevent open communication.
Practicing healthier communication leads to genuine connections and mutual respect.
Below are some ways in which you can notice and work on your own passive-aggressive behavior:
Reflect on your behavior
Once you know what passive-aggression is, take a step back and reflect on your own behavior.
You can ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I get moody or sulk when I am unhappy?
- Do I avoid talking about my feelings when I am upset?
- Do I delay or stop doing things for others as a way to punish them?
- Do I use sarcasm at times when I should be engaged in meaningful conversation?
- Do I often go along with others’ suggestions but then resent them for it later?
- Do I have a fear of confrontation or setting boundaries with others?
- Do I worry that people will be angry with me if I tell them how I really feel?
“A good way to identify this and to improve on it is to try and catch yourself. So it’s hard to do at the time because you’re feeling annoyance … but then later on when you’ve calmed down a bit you’ve taken a bit of time them out and you feel a bit better it’s good to reflect on how you were with that person why were you a bit short. What was really going on for you?”
Dr Becky Spelman, Counselling Psychologist.
Consider why you may be acting passive-aggressive
It can be useful to consider the reasons why you may be behaving in a passive-aggressive way. Consider the circumstances- do you tend to behave in this way in certain situations, such as at work or with family?
Does it seem to happen more when you are in a situation where you do not feel comfortable expressing your assertiveness?
For example, you may act passive-aggressive around your supervisor at work because you do not feel confident enough to tell them how you truly feel and worry about the consequences of doing so.
Consider whether you recognize these behaviors in people in your life, such as your partner, parents, or friends. It could be that you only act passive-aggressively around other passive-aggressive people.
John frequently uses passive aggression against his wife Veronica when he is upset with her. Instead of discussing issues openly, John gives Veronica the silent treatment or makes snide comments disguised as jokes.
As a child observing this dynamic between his parents, their son Michael picked up on some of these unhealthy communication patterns. For example, when Michael is angry with his girlfriend Emily, he sometimes shuts down emotionally or makes subtle criticisms rather than expressing his true feelings.
Michael learned from his father John to avoid direct confrontation about what is bothering him. Recognizing these passive aggressive tendencies that he learned from his father is the first step for Michael to unlearn them.
Are there specific triggers?
To effectively address passive-aggressive behavior, you must uncover specific triggers—each trigger reveals an underlying emotional challenge, paving the way for deeper self-understanding.
Passive-aggressive behavior usually arises because openly showing emotions seems risky, uncomfortable, or frightening.
According to psychological research, passive-aggression often functions as a protective strategy that individuals unconsciously adopt to cope with feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness, or fear of rejection.
Common triggers include:
- Fear of Conflict: When faced with potential confrontations or disagreements, some individuals may instinctively resort to passive-aggression to indirectly express frustration or dissatisfaction without openly challenging others.
- Perceived Power Imbalances: Situations involving authority figures, such as supervisors or parents, can trigger passive-aggressive responses. Individuals may feel powerless to express dissatisfaction directly, opting instead for subtle acts of defiance or procrastination.
- Avoidance of Negative Emotions: People who struggle with emotional regulation may utilize passive-aggression as a way to manage difficult emotions such as anger, jealousy, or resentment without openly acknowledging these feelings.
- Social Conditioning and Learned Behavior: Childhood environments play a significant role. Observing parents or caregivers model passive-aggression can result in individuals unconsciously replicating these communication patterns, believing them to be normal or effective.
- Low Self-Esteem or Insecurity: When individuals feel insecure or undervalued, passive-aggressive behaviors like subtle criticisms, sarcasm, or withdrawal become ways to communicate unmet emotional needs without risking overt rejection.
For example, Lana delays completing household chores as a passive-aggressive response to her parents' demands.
Psychologically, this procrastination serves as an unconscious rebellion against perceived control or authority, fulfilling an emotional need for autonomy without direct confrontation.
By understanding the emotional and cognitive mechanisms underlying passive-aggression, individuals can consciously choose healthier ways to express their feelings, leading to improved communication and relationships.
Accept how you feel
When you become aware that you are experiencing anger, frustration, or annoyance, accept these emotions rather than suppressing or judging them.
Remember that it is normal to experience challenging feelings; they are part of being human.
Try to own the emotions when they arise rather than pushing them down or ignoring them. Some tips for acceptance:
- Name the emotion you are feeling. Put words to it such as “I notice I am feeling irritated right now.”
- Avoid making it wrong or beating yourself up. Remind yourself all emotions are natural.
- Don’t get wrapped up in the story about why you feel this way. Just acknowledge the sensation.
- Focus on allowing the feeling to exist rather than struggling against it.
- Imagine making space for the emotion to be there rather than pushing it away.
For example, when your friend cancels plans at the last minute, you might notice anger bubbling up. Instead of pretending you’re not bothered, accept that you feel annoyed in the moment.
Practice assertiveness
The opposite of expressing anger passively is to be more direct with people when something annoys you. This does not mean that you should be mean-spirited or shout at others, but communicate in a way that respectfully expresses your needs.
Clear communication where you set your boundaries can make way for healthier communication and stronger relationships.
It can be difficult to be assertive if you are not used to this way of communicating. Try to take small steps to get used to being more direct with people.
Last week, Jada's friend Marie canceled their plans to meet for dinner at the last minute and Jada responded with "no problem" even though she felt disappointed. This week, Marie tried to reschedule the dinner plans again at the last minute. Jada decided to take a small step to be more assertive: "Marie, I know plans can come up, but I have to be honest - when you cancel our plans, I feel pretty disappointed because I enjoy spending time with you. If we need to reschedule again, I would really appreciate it if you could let me know in advance so I can make other plans instead of clearing my whole day for it." Jada feels nervous to speak up, but it is a milestone. Marie responds understandingly and appreciates the direct feedback. Jada leaves the interaction feeling empowered since she has taken the first step in owning her voice respectfully.
Note that some people may not be comfortable with you being direct with them, but many others will appreciate you being more straightforward with them.
Speak Your Truth with “I” Statements
One of the cornerstones of assertive communication is using “I” statements to take ownership of your perspective without accusing or attacking others. Some tips:
- Start your sentence with “I feel…” or “I need…” to share your emotions and needs.
- Avoid blanket generalizations like “you always” or “you never,” which can sound blaming.
- Focus on your tangible experience, not assumptions about the other’s motivations.
- Be specific about the situation and your reaction to make the feedback more constructive.
- Maintain a calm, measured tone even when expressing frustration or hurt.
- After sharing your experience, you can ask for the other person’s viewpoint non-judgmentally.
For example, instead of saying, “You’re so inconsiderate for staying out late without calling me,” try “I feel worried and upset when I don’t hear from you past midnight because I care about your safety. In the future, could you please give me a quick call or text if you’re going to be out that late?”
Keeping the focus on your genuine thoughts and feelings builds empathy and compassion.
With practice, “I” statements become a natural way to assert your truth while respecting others. This reduces the bottling up of resentment that leads to indirect, passive-aggressive actions.
Cultivating Assertiveness
Beyond the basic tips for assertive communication like “I statements,” there are some deeper mindset shifts that can help tackle passive aggression at its roots.
- Pick your battles – Reserve assertiveness for issues that truly matter rather than nitpicking small annoyances. This prevents depleting your emotional bandwidth.
- Stand your ground respectfully – Don’t let others convince you that your needs aren’t valid or important. Stick to your boundaries while considering others’ perspectives, too.
- Separate intent from impact – Assume positive intent from others, but don’t minimize if their actions still hurt you, even if unintentionally.
- Value your voice – Your needs and feelings deserve to be voiced, so don’t automatically default to putting others first.
- Allow others’ discomfort – Some may not love your new assertiveness. As long as you communicate with care, you can’t control their reactions.
- See conflict as an opportunity – Views will differ. Assertiveness helps navigate this for win-win resolutions.
With consistent practice, assertiveness evolves from a skill to a way of being. You gain confidence in owning your space while respecting others’. This empowers clearer communication and reduces suppressed resentment.
Own up to your behavior
One of the most direct ways to address passive-aggressive behavior is to own up to it when you catch yourself in the act. Though uncomfortable, apologizing and stating your true feelings requires courage and vulnerability.
Here are some tips:
- As soon as you realize your passive aggression, address it. Don’t let time go by, e.g., “I realize I was being indirect just now when I said I was fine even though I felt irritated.”
- Be specific about your passive-aggressive action and why it wasn’t appropriate.
- Apologize sincerely, without excuses. “I’m sorry for making that sarcastic joke rather than telling you directly I was angry.”
- Share the underlying emotion/need. “I was actually feeling insecure and wanted reassurance.”
- Thank the other person for listening.
- If needed, follow up later with additional discussion when emotions have settled.
For example, you roll your eyes when your partner asks for help with a chore. Right away, you could say, “I’m sorry for the eye roll. I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed today, and I should have just said that directly instead of reacting that way.”
Be patient
Recognize that it can take a long time to make a positive change in your life. Identifying your own behaviors is a good first step towards change, although altering your behavior patterns can take time.
Try not to give up on self-improvement if you find that you often fall back into passive-aggressive patterns. Spend time reflecting on why this may have happened and use it as a learning opportunity on your journey to being more assertive.
“Give yourself time and grace as you work through this nothing can be achieved overnight don’t get frustrated at yourself if you find yourself reverting back to these behaviors again everything every time you you try something you’re changing you’re getting better and better.”
Dr. Caroline Leaf, Clinical and Cognitive Neuroscientist
How to Repair Relationships Impacted by Passive Aggression
Passive-aggressive behaviors can damage trust and communication within relationships. To repair and strengthen these relationships, consider the following strategies:
- Acknowledge the Behavior: Openly recognize and admit to past passive-aggressive actions, demonstrating self-awareness and responsibility.
- Sincere Apology: Offer a genuine apology without making excuses, clearly addressing the specific behaviors and their impact.
- Open Communication: Engage in honest conversations using assertive “I” statements to express emotions and clarify misunderstandings respectfully.
- Establish Clear Boundaries: Clearly define personal boundaries and expectations to prevent misunderstandings and future resentment.
- Build Trust through Consistency: Consistently practicing open and direct communication helps rebuild trust and demonstrate commitment to change.
These strategies can foster healthier interactions and rebuild authentic relationships affected by passive aggression.
References
Kantor, M. (2002). Passive-aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient, and the Victim. Greenwood Publishing Group.
Leaf, C. (2021, December 2). Podcast 339: How to recognize & respond to passive aggressive behavior in others AND yourself. [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzYm9Ua6LoI&ab_channel=Dr.CarolineLeaf
Spelman, B. (2022, December 7). How to stop being passive-aggressive. [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARPowSVzE4A&ab_channel=Dr.BeckySpelman
