Two avoidant individuals can be in a relationship and even find compatibility in their shared need for space, but they face distinctive challenges in achieving true emotional intimacy.
Avoidant–avoidant couples often enjoy a low-drama, independent dynamic initially, yet risk drifting into emotional distance, poor communication, and stagnation over time.
They struggle with intimacy and commitment due to deep-seated fears of vulnerability and loss of autonomy, which can manifest as keeping each other at arm’s length and avoiding labels or future plans.
Conflicts tend to be sidestepped rather than resolved, leading to an absence of overt fights but also a lack of growth or understanding.
In some cases – particularly with more fearful-avoidant dynamics – the relationship can devolve into a push–pull rollercoaster of closeness and withdrawal that leaves both partners overwhelmed.
Typical Challenges When Two Avoidants Pair Up
When both partners have an avoidant attachment style (often called dismissive-avoidant in its classic form), certain patterns commonly arise in the relationship. These include:
1. Lack of emotional intimacy and connection:
Both avoidant partners are comfortable keeping the relationship on a surface level, without diving into deep emotional discussions.
They keep feelings private and avoid vulnerability, so the bond can feel safe but shallow.
Over time this “emotional distance” leaves them disconnected, as important feelings and needs remain unshared.
In other words, the relationship may function smoothly day-to-day, but it lacks true depth and closeness, which can eventually create a sense of emptiness for both partners.
Avoidant partners struggle with intimacy not because they don’t have feelings, but because getting close triggers their core fears – fear of rejection, fear of losing autonomy, fear of being hurt.
Understanding this can help both partners (and outside observers) have empathy: the avoidant wants love and connection like anyone else, but their instincts tell them to protect themselves by holding back.
Unfortunately, when both partners do this, it creates a relationship starved of vulnerability, making genuine intimacy extremely difficult to achieve.
2. Mutual withdrawal during conflict or stress:
Avoidant individuals typically handle conflict by shutting down or pulling away rather than engaging.
In an avoidant–avoidant pair, when tensions arise, both may retreat into silence or physical distance to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
This conflict-avoidance means they rarely argue openly – which keeps things peaceful – but issues tend to be swept under the rug.
Over time, unresolved problems can erode the connection.
Essentially, two avoidants may give each other a lot of space during conflict, but at the cost of true resolution or understanding.
3. Instability through push–pull dynamics:
Interestingly, even two avoidants can experience a push–pull cycle in their relationship.
This is more commonly discussed in anxious–avoidant pairings, but it can occur between avoidants as well (especially if one or both partners have a fearful-avoidant tendency, meaning they occasionally crave closeness and then panic).
In a push–pull dynamic, partners alternate between seeking closeness and creating distance, leading to an on-and-off pattern.
For instance, one avoidant partner might reach out and “pull” the other in during a moment of loneliness, only to “push” them away once intimacy grows and fear kicks in.
When both people do this, the relationship can cycle between periods of connection and periods of total detachment.
One avoidant individual described their experience dating another avoidant:
We reconnected again and then withdrew again… it was endless withdrawals and reconnection until both sides were mentally exhausted.
This intermittent reinforcement can be confusing and emotionally draining. Over time, such couples might drift apart due to exhaustion or remain stuck in a perpetual on-and-off situation without ever fully committing.
4. Fear of commitment
Fear of commitment in avoidant couples often manifests as a subtle but powerful force that keeps the relationship from deepening.
Both partners might avoid defining the relationship or making future plans, preferring a “go with the flow” approach that feels less binding.
For example, an avoidant–avoidant pair may date for a long time without ever discussing exclusivity or introducing each other as boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.
This mutual hesitancy can lead to confusion (“Are we serious or not?”) and can prevent the couple from moving forward into a more secure partnership.
Each person’s reluctance to commit can also cause misinterpretations – one might assume the other isn’t truly invested, when in reality both are simply afraid of appearing too invested.
Avoidants’ fear of commitment can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: by avoiding clear communication and commitment, they create the very instability they fear.
How Avoidant Partners Typically Handle Conflict
Conflict is an area where avoidant couples differ markedly from other pairings. Generally, avoidant individuals cope with conflict by minimizing or escaping it.
In a two-avoidant relationship, this means fights are infrequent – but not necessarily because the couple has perfect harmony. Rather, both tend to withdraw at the first sign of discord.
This pattern is sometimes called “flight over fight” response.
For example, if a disagreement starts to heat up, one partner might go quiet, change the subject, or physically leave the space; the other, instead of pursuing the issue, likely also retreats or internally disengages to avoid an emotional scene.
The result is often a stalemate of silence.
In essence, avoidant couples handle conflict by not handling it – they withdraw and wait for the dust to settle, often at the cost of true understanding.
A secure partner might find this infuriating, but two avoidants tacitly accept it. The upside is low overt conflict; the downside is minimal growth.
In two-dismissive relationships there is minimal conflict, [but also] minimal growth.
By not hashing out differences, avoidant pairs miss opportunities to learn more about each other’s inner worlds or to adapt to each other’s needs.
This conflict style contributes to stagnation – without confronting issues, the relationship stays in its old pattern.
That said, some avoidant couples can coexist long-term with this low-conflict style, especially if their life stressors are low and their individual needs for intimacy are equally low.
They might think, “We never fight, so everything is okay.”
Can the Relationship Work – and Under What Conditions?
Ultimately, for an avoidant–avoidant relationship to succeed, both people must actively choose growth over comfort.
If they do, they may find that their relationship, once rocky or distant, becomes a source of deep understanding and stability.
They can have the best of both worlds: a partner who truly “gets” the need for independence, yet is also gradually becoming a source of emotional safety.
It’s a delicate balance, but with conscious effort, avoidant partners can indeed form a lasting, loving bond – one stitched together slowly with threads of trust, communication, and mutual respect.
The journey is not easy, but for those who undertake it, the reward is a relationship that offers both the freedom they value and the closeness they need.
In short, the relationship can work – but only under certain conditions. Key conditions and strategies for success include:
1. Developing self-awareness of attachment patterns:
Both partners must first acknowledge their avoidant tendencies and recognize how those behaviors impact the relationship.
This often means learning about attachment theory together and honestly identifying patterns like “I pull away when I feel stressed” or “I struggle to express affection.”
This self-awareness is crucial, because avoidant behaviors are often deeply ingrained and automatic.
Change starts with understanding and a want to get out of the cycle.
If neither partner sees a problem (“this is just how I am”) or has motivation to change, the relationship will remain stuck.
But if both become aware – “We’re distant because we’re both afraid to open up” – they can actively work against those instincts.
2. Willingness to unlearn old coping patterns:
Along with awareness, there must be willingness on both sides to step outside of comfort zones.
Avoidants have to consciously unlearn some of their instinctual coping mechanisms (like shutting down or dismissing emotions) and try new, sometimes uncomfortable approaches (like expressing feelings or needs).
This is hard work, requiring patience and mutual encouragement.
Both partners will need to remind themselves that discomfort isn’t deadly – it can lead to growth.
For example, instead of both partners silently stewing in unmet needs, they agree to try to verbalize those needs in a gentle way.
Or if one partner typically flees during conflict, they agree to at least tell the other “I need a break, but let’s talk later” rather than disappearing.
These new behaviors go against the grain, but with practice, they can gradually replace the old avoidant patterns.
Personal growth is fundamental: as each individual becomes more secure in themselves, the relationship between them becomes more secure as well.
3. Open communication and emotional literacy:
A successful avoidant–avoidant couple will slowly build better communication skills regarding emotions.
This might start very small – for instance, scheduling a short weekly “check-in” where each shares one feeling from the week, as suggested by experts. Using tools like “I statements” (saying “I feel X when…” instead of blaming) can create a safer way to discuss sensitive topics.
Over time, these practices increase each partner’s comfort with emotional language. Essentially, they are developing emotional literacy – learning to name and share what they feel.
This can involve expanding one’s emotional vocabulary, recognizing emotions as they arise, and learning it’s okay to express needs.
Initially, avoidants might need structured or time-limited conversations so they don’t feel overwhelmed.
Gradually, these talks can become more spontaneous and deeper as trust builds.
The goal is that both partners start to experience communication as something that can be constructive and connecting, rather than always uncomfortable.
When avoidant couples learn to communicate openly – even if it’s still not their favorite thing – they greatly improve their chances of resolving issues and forging a closer bond.
4. Deliberate efforts to build trust and intimacy (at a comfortable pace):
Since emotional intimacy doesn’t develop naturally in these relationships, it must be cultivated intentionally.
This means both partners agree to take gradual steps toward more closeness.
They might plan regular activities that promote bonding – e.g. doing a hobby together, taking a weekend trip, or simply dedicating time each week for just the two of them without distractions.
Shared positive experiences can create closeness organically, even if deep emotional sharing is still sparse.
Non-verbal expressions of affection are also important – small gestures like hand-holding, cuddling while watching a show, or saying “I appreciate you” in writing if speaking it feels awkward.
These bids for connection help reassure both partners that intimacy is growing in a safe way.
Crucially, they must also respect each other’s need for space throughout this process.
Building intimacy for avoidants is like slowly increasing the temperature; both need to feel they can step back if it’s too hot, without it being seen as a rejection.
Clear boundaries and discussions about space can help – for example, agreeing that it’s okay to have one night a week alone or to say “I need some quiet time now” without offending the other.
By balancing closeness with independence, avoidant couples can slowly expand their comfort zone of togetherness.
5. Patience and commitment to change:
Perhaps the most important condition is that both partners remain committed to the process.
Change doesn’t happen overnight.
Avoidant attachment styles formed over a lifetime, and undoing those protective habits can be slow and sometimes two steps forward, one step back.
Both individuals will need to exercise a lot of patience – with themselves and each other.
Setbacks (like one partner shutting down during a tough conversation) will happen.
What matters is that they get back on the horse and keep trying, rather than reverting to “see, we can’t do this.”
A shared commitment – essentially an agreement that “we want to make this work and we’re in it together” – provides a sense of safety even when things get hard.
It helps if both partners truly want the relationship to succeed and thus view these efforts as worthwhile.
If one partner is ambivalent about the relationship itself, they may not put in the work, and the dynamic won’t change.
But if both are motivated by love or at least a genuine attachment to each other, they have a strong incentive to push through the discomfort of growth.
Over time, their consistent efforts (even small ones) can build on each other, leading to real progress in how they connect.
What Healing and Growth Look Like for Avoidant Couples
Healing for avoidant couples looks like a gradual shift from a low-intimacy, high-distance partnership to a higher-intimacy, balanced one.
They move closer to the middle of the attachment spectrum, finding comfort in connection without losing themselves.
It’s often a profound growth experience for both – they learn that they are capable of deep love and that they can rely on someone else without disaster.
While they may always be more independent or reserved than some couples, the key is that they choose distance less out of fear and more out of genuine personal preference, while being fully able to be close when they want to be.
That flexibility and choice is a hallmark of secure attachment, which is the ultimate sign of healing.
Signs an Avoidant–Avoidant Relationship Might Be Unsustainable (Without Change)
Before closing, it’s worth identifying some warning signs that an avoidant–avoidant relationship is not working and likely won’t improve unless changes are made.
These red flags often indicate that the relationship has hit a dead-end of emotional disconnect.
If one or both partners recognize these signs and neither is willing to address them, it suggests the relationship may be unsustainable in its current form:
1. Chronic emotional emptiness or loneliness:
If you’re in a relationship yet consistently feel lonely, emotionally empty, or unseen, that’s a serious problem.
Avoidant–avoidant couples can end up in a state where there’s very little emotional nourishment.
For example, you might spend time together but still feel completely alone in your struggles or not truly known by your partner.
Both partners might quietly experience this emptiness – “something’s missing” – but since neither talks about it, it just persists.
That disconnected feeling, if it becomes the norm with no attempts to fix it, is a sign the relationship isn’t meeting fundamental emotional needs.
Being permanently lonely within a relationship defeats the purpose of being a couple, and it’s unsustainable because eventually one or both will seek fulfillment elsewhere (through other relationships, work, hobbies, or just ending the partnership).
2. Repeated cycles of disconnect and shutdown:
A telltale sign of trouble is if the relationship goes through the same painful cycle over and over without any forward progress.
For instance, perhaps every few months one partner withdraws completely (emotionally or physically), causing a temporary breakup or a significant rift, and then they reconcile without ever resolving the underlying issue.
Or the couple might repeatedly drift apart to the point of barely interacting, then something pulls them briefly together, then it fades out again – like a constant on/off flicker.
If these disconnect cycles keep happening, leaving both partners drained and frustrated, it indicates that nothing fundamentally is changing in how they relate.
They are essentially reenacting the push–pull or distancing pattern on loop.
Without intervention, such a relationship often eventually breaks for good, because each iteration of the cycle typically erodes trust and emotional energy.
Additionally, if conflicts or breakoffs are becoming more frequent or intense (even if neither shows it externally), it’s a sign the relationship is deteriorating.
A healthy, improving relationship should see fewer severe disconnects over time, not more.
3. Lack of motivation to challenge avoidant patterns:
Perhaps the most significant red flag is when neither partner shows any willingness to work on the relationship.
If both are firmly in their avoidant comfort zones and respond to any suggestion of change with apathy or resistance, the relationship is likely to stagnate or end.
For example, if one partner hints “Maybe we should talk to someone or try to communicate more,” and the immediate response is “No, I don’t think we need that” or a shutdown, that’s not promising.
In some couples, both partners silently collude in avoiding change – they prefer to keep the uneasy status quo rather than face discomfort.
They might justify it by saying “Well, no relationship is perfect, and we don’t fight, so it’s fine,” all the while ignoring the growing distance.
If neither person is motivated to bridge the gap, the gap will only widen.
If one partner does secretly desire more but the other absolutely won’t engage, the motivated partner will eventually feel so unfulfilled that they may leave.
Simply put, without at least one partner’s motivation to improve things, and ideally both, an avoidant–avoidant relationship will not magically transform. It will either persist in a low-quality state or dissolve.
4. One or both partners checking out (mentally or via other interests):
Another sign of a potentially unsustainable situation is when one or both individuals have essentially “checked out” of the relationship.
This could manifest as one partner investing all their energy into work, friends, or hobbies to the extent that the relationship is an afterthought.
Or perhaps one partner is fantasizing about being single, or even already seeking emotional or sexual connections elsewhere (emotional affairs, casual encounters) because the relationship feels dead.
Avoidants might slip into these behaviors somewhat easily because they cope by distancing.
If you notice, for example, that your partner seems completely indifferent to spending time together, or you realize you yourself hardly care what your partner does anymore (because you’ve emotionally given up), it’s a serious alarm bell.
A couple can live under the same roof but effectively lead separate lives, barely intersecting – if that’s the case and it doesn’t bother either enough to try fixing, then the relationship exists in name only.
Often, this precedes an actual breakup or permanent separation; it might take a trigger, but mentally and emotionally the breakup has already happened.
So, if an avoidant couple finds that they have no emotional engagement left – no desire to talk, do things together, or improve the situation – that is a sign that without immediate intervention, the relationship isn’t viable long-term.
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