Anxious-Avoidant Cycle: How to Fix It

In relationships, anxious attachers often pair with avoidant partners, creating a push-pull dynamic.

Their opposite ways of feeling secure tend to clash, creating a cycle that repeats itself over and over.

One partner exhibits anxious attachment and seeks closeness and reassurance. This behavior stems from a fear of abandonment.

The other partner has an avoidant attachment style and creates distance or withdraws. Their behavior is driven by fears of engulfment or losing independence.

The more the anxious partner chases closeness, the more the avoidant partner feels suffocated and pulls back. This “dance” can repeat over and over.

When to End the Anxious-Avoidant Relationship?

1. The cycle is chronic and unchanging

If the pursue-withdraw pattern dominates your relationship despite honest conversations and therapy, and neither partner can change, the emotional damage may outweigh the benefits of staying together.

“If you find yourselves having the same fight for years, and no growth is happening, it may not be a dynamic that can shift.”
— Dr. Lindsay Gibson, clinical psychologist

2. One or both partners are emotionally exhausted or traumatized

If one partner (usually the anxious one) is in a constant state of fear, hypervigilance, or anxiety, and the other (often avoidant) feels chronically trapped or attacked, this may be unsustainable.

Prolonged exposure to this pattern can lead to:

• Anxiety disorders
• Depression or emotional numbing
• Low self-worth or shame
• A “trauma bond” (strong emotional ties rooted in pain, not safety)

If you find yourself losing your sense of self, or the relationship is diminishing your mental health, that’s a serious red flag.

3. Only one partner is doing the work

If you’re the only one reading, growing, going to therapy, or trying to communicate better, the relationship is imbalanced.

Attachment wounds can heal in relationship — but only if both people are working on them.

If your partner continues to:

• Dismiss your feelings
• Refuse emotional intimacy
• Use your vulnerability against you
• Stonewall or ghost during conflict
• Blame you entirely for issues

…it may be time to leave.

✅ When to stay and work on it

You might consider staying if:

• Both partners recognize the cycle and are actively working to change it
• There is progress, even if slow (e.g. fewer blowups, better communication)
• You share values, long-term vision, and respect
• The relationship feels emotionally safe most of the time, even when challenged

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How to Break The Cycle

This push-and-pull can perpetuate insecurity for both individuals unless they consciously work to change these patterns.

Step	Action
1️⃣ Recognize it	Notice patterns of chase/retreat, high conflict, mixed signals
2️⃣ Understand self	Identify your style (anxious or avoidant) and triggers
3️⃣ Change your reactions	Focus on healing reactions (soothing vs. shutting down)
4️⃣ Set new patterns	Use secure communication, set boundaries, and check-ins
5️⃣ Go deeper	Heal childhood wounds with therapy or self-reflection
6️⃣ Practice security	Take small, consistent steps toward connection and trust

1️⃣ Recognize it

The Emotional Tug-of-War

Usually, the anxious partner acts as the pursuer, reaching out for closeness whenever they sense distance or trouble.

They look for reassurance, frequent communication, and intimacy to ease their fear of being disconnected.

But the avoidant partner, feeling overwhelmed by this closeness, instinctively pulls back to regain personal space and emotional comfort.

In simple terms, when one partner tries to get closer, the other moves away – creating a repetitive cycle where each partner’s actions trigger the other’s fears.

When partners want different amounts of closeness, disagreements about intimacy start to dominate their relationship.

This mismatch can spiral quickly. For example, if the anxious partner senses the avoidant partner becoming distant, they might try calling or texting repeatedly to get reassurance.

While this feels like a genuine attempt to reconnect, the avoidant partner sees these behaviors as pressure and becomes even more withdrawn – either emotionally or physically.

This withdrawal confirms the anxious partner’s fears of rejection, causing them to pursue even more strongly.

It’s a vicious cycle: the more one person chases, the more the other runs away.

Relationship experts Amir Levine and Rachel Heller call this cycle the “anxious–avoidant trap,” because couples often remain stuck in this painful pattern, sometimes for months or even years.

Conflict and Push–Pull Behaviors

Over time, even minor disagreements can trigger major arguments because they activate deeper insecurities.

The anxious partner may try to address issues urgently, seeking immediate reassurance.

The avoidant partner typically reacts by minimizing the issue or withdrawing, refusing to engage deeply. This dynamic leads to repetitive fights that rarely reach a resolution.

Couples frequently end up feeling stuck, having the same argument repeatedly, experiencing feelings of déjà vu during conflicts.

Temporary reconciliations might feel intense and passionate, offering brief relief, but soon enough the underlying pattern resurfaces.

This creates a roller-coaster relationship of intense emotional highs followed by long periods of tension and unmet emotional needs.

In the long term, this instability can seriously harm the relationship.

According to psychologist John Gottman’s extensive research, couples stuck in a pursuer–distancer cycle are significantly more likely to break up or divorce early on.

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2️⃣ Understand self

Recognizing the Behavioral Signs

When anxious and avoidant attachment styles meet, their wounds fit together almost perfectly, like puzzle pieces.

If neither person is aware of this dynamic, they can unintentionally reinforce each other’s negative behaviors and emotional pain.

Each attachment style shows specific behaviors that indicate they’re trapped in this cycle:

This anxious–avoidant dynamic doesn’t happen because there’s a lack of love, often both partners genuinely care for each other, but rather because their attachment styles clash.

Without intervention, this pattern can intensify, especially under stress, making both partners feel increasingly insecure and disconnected.

Recognizing the Behavioral Triggers

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached individuals tend to be triggered by anything that hints at rejection or loss.

When these triggers occur, the body and mind of an anxiously attached person can go into overdrive with worry.

• Inconsistent or limited communication: If a partner’s texting/calling pattern changes or they go radio-silent, it can instantly spark anxiety. Mixed signals or delayed replies might be interpreted as signs of waning interest or an impending breakup.
• Perceived rejection or distance: Little things – like a partner seeming distracted, not saying “I love you” back immediately, or wanting a night to themselves – can feel like rejection. An anxiously attached person might assume “they must be upset with me or planning to leave”.
• Conflict or ambiguity: Normal relationship issues can be highly distressing. An argument, a disagreement, or not knowing “where we stand” (e.g. undefined relationship status) may trigger intense fear that the relationship is in jeopardy.
• Lack of reassurance: Going for long periods without affection, compliments, or quality time can feed an anxious narrative that “my partner doesn’t care about me enough.” Not hearing words of affirmation or receiving physical affection regularly may lead to feeling insecure about the partner’s feelings.
• Jealousy triggers: Seeing your partner pay attention to someone else (even innocently) or comparing yourself to others can spike anxiety. You might fear being replaced or not being “good enough,” which triggers attempts to hold on tighter.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant-attached people are triggered by situations that threaten their sense of independence or that flood them with intense emotion.

These triggers often produce an automatic fight-or-flight style response in avoidant individuals – usually the “flight” (escaping or emotionally disengaging).

Here are common triggers that might make you feel like withdrawing or shutting down:

• Too much closeness or demand for intimacy: If a partner pushes for a lot of togetherness, deep emotional talks, or fast escalation of commitment, it can trigger discomfort. You might feel suffocated or like you’re losing yourself when someone wants “too much” of your time and energy.
• Feeling controlled or not in control: If you feel someone is trying to control your schedule or make decisions for you, it raises alarm. You value having control over yourself, so anything that threatens that (like a partner demanding to know your every move) is a big trigger.
• Being depended on or needed heavily: Having someone lean on you a lot emotionally – for example, a partner who needs you to constantly comfort them or who has difficulty being alone – can make you feel burdened.
• Criticism or high emotional volatility: If a partner criticizes you or expresses a lot of intense emotion (like anger, extreme sadness, etc.), it can trigger your instinct to retreat.
• Having to be vulnerable or ask for help: Situations that require you to share your feelings, admit need, or rely on someone else can trigger deep discomfort.
• Partner demanding more time/attention: If your partner is asking for more frequent hangouts, more texting, or generally wants more of you than you feel comfortable giving, you can feel overwhelmed. etc.).

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3️⃣ Change your reactions

Trying to get the other person to change first rarely works. Focus on your own healing behaviors.

Anxious Partner – Practice:

• Self-soothing: Journal, breathe, or delay texting. Let the urge pass.
• Secure behavior: Say, “I feel anxious right now, but I trust you’ll come back,” rather than panicking.
• Create stability: Build a life outside the relationship: hobbies, friends, purpose.

Avoidant Partner – Practice:

• Emotional presence: Say something, even if it’s simple: “I need a break, but I’ll be back.”
• Tolerate vulnerability: Stay in hard conversations 10% longer. Don’t shut down.
• Give proactive reassurance: Text first. Offer touch. Be predictably available.

🧠 You’re rewiring your attachment system — small shifts matter.

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4️⃣ Set new patterns

You can’t fix old patterns with the same conversations. Use new rules:

• ❗Avoid blame: Use “I feel” instead of “you always.”
• 🧭Set conflict boundaries: e.g., “Let’s take 20 minutes to cool off, then reconnect.”
• 🕰️Schedule check-ins: Weekly emotional conversations reduce ambush arguments.
• 🤝Balance closeness and space: Negotiate times for “us” and times for “me.”

Example:

Anxious says: “When I don’t hear from you, I feel disconnected. Can we agree to check in each night before bed?”

Avoidant says: “I can do that, and I’d also like 30 minutes of solo time after work.”

More from Anxious to Secure Attachment

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5️⃣ Go deeper: Heal the Root, Not Just the Symptoms

Most anxious–avoidant cycles are driven by old wounds:

• Childhood neglect or inconsistency
• Fear of being alone or overwhelmed
• Beliefs like “I’m too much” or “I don’t need anyone”

Working with a therapist (individually or as a couple) can help rewire those beliefs and practice secure behavior.

🧠 Therapies like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Internal Family Systems (IFS) are especially helpful.

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6️⃣ Practice security

You don’t need to be secure to act secure. Over time, acting secure creates safety — and real change.

Secure behaviors:

• Responding instead of reacting
• Communicating needs calmly
• Giving space without fear
• Offering reassurance without resentment
• Taking responsibility, not blame

📌 Even 5% more secure behavior can shift the entire dynamic.