On This Page:

Disorganized attachment, also known as fearful-avoidant, is an insecure attachment style characterized by a fear of close relationships.

A person with a disorganized attachment style will often feel conflicted about how to behave in relationships and will use both anxious (emotional hyper-activation) and avoidant (emotional deactivation) strategies to soothe their fears.

They have contradictory intentions regarding close relationships, wanting commitment and closeness while simultaneously downplaying the importance of intimacy.

This paradoxical behavior, unstable identity, and unpredictable mental state can have a negative impact on their ability to maintain healthy relationships.

To understand how disorganized attachment impacts relationships and how to manage this style of attachment, it is important to first understand how it develops.

Causes

Disorganized attachment usually develops when a child’s biology (like their genetics or temperament) mixes with growing up in an environment that feels scary or unpredictable.

Babies naturally want to be close to their caregivers when they’re upset or frightened — it’s their way of feeling safe.

But what happens when the very person they turn to is also the source of their fear?

This puts the baby in a tough spot: they want to get close to the caregiver to feel better, but they also want to avoid them to stay safe.

Psychologists Main and Solomon (1990) called this “fright without solution” — a real catch-22 for the child.

Kids who have experienced abuse, neglect, or really inconsistent care are more likely to develop this kind of attachment. These tough experiences shake their sense of safety and trust in the people who are supposed to protect them.

But here’s something important: disorganized attachment isn’t always caused by abuse or maltreatment.

Not every child who was abused ends up with a disorganized attachment style, and not every person with this style was abused as a kid.

Sometimes, even if a caregiver isn’t actively harmful, they might still not feel safe to the child.

For example, parents dealing with unresolved trauma or loss might unintentionally bring their own distress into the relationship, making it harder for the child to feel secure.

One study (Hughes et al., 2001) found that babies born to mothers who had lost a previous child were more likely to develop disorganized attachment – not because the mothers were abusive, but because the lingering trauma affected how they cared for their new baby.

Other difficult life situations, like neglect, parental substance abuse, domestic violence, or other major stresses, can also raise the risk of disorganized attachment.

What Kinds of Caregiver Behaviors Might Feel Frightening to a Child?

Threatening looks or gestures
Mood swings or dissociative behaviors (like seeming like different people at once)
Acting overly submissive or scared around the child
Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional)
Confusing or scary behavior that mirrors the child’s own disorganized attachment
Mocking or humiliating the child
Leaning on the child emotionally, asking them for reassurance
Emotionally pulling away or disappearing for long periods

What Contributes to Disorganized Attachment?

Unresolved Trauma in Parents: Many parents of disorganized infants have their own history of trauma or loss that they haven’t fully worked through. This can make them act in ways that feel scary or unpredictable to their child.
Direct Maltreatment: Abuse and neglect are strong risk factors — studies show very high rates of disorganized attachment in abused children.
Parental Mental Health and Substance Use: Conditions like bipolar disorder or addiction can cause extreme and unpredictable behavior that contributes to disorganized attachment.
Multiple Stressors: Families facing lots of challenges—like poverty or mental health struggles—tend to have higher rates of disorganized attachment.
Separation from a Caregiver: Children who spend long times without a consistent caregiver, such as in institutions or late adoption, often show more disorganized attachment.
Caregiver Withdrawal: When parents emotionally pull away or avoid their child, it can lead to disorganized attachment.
Temperament and Genetics: Some researchers think a baby’s natural temperament or genetics might play a role, but this is still debated.

Disorganized attachment tends to show up a lot more in kids who are dealing with lots of tough challenges.

For example, in the general population, about 15% of babies might have this attachment style.

But that number jumps to around 25 to 34% for families living in poverty – and it can be as high as 48 to 90% in situations where there’s been documented child abuse or neglect.

There are also some parental factors linked to disorganized attachment, like bipolar disorder or ongoing struggles with alcohol and drug addiction.

These conditions can cause parents to behave in unpredictable or confusing ways, which makes it harder for the child to feel safe and secure.

Signs of Disorganized Attachment in Children

Children with a disorganized attachment style often behave in ways that seem confusing or hard to explain.

You might see a child run toward their caregiver for comfort – but then suddenly stop, freeze, or look away.

Or they might reach out while leaning back or turning their head.

These behaviors aren’t just random; they reflect a deeper problem in the child’s attachment system.

Whereas securely attached infants are able to organise their behaviour around a clear goal – maintaining proximity to the caregiver disorganised infants exhibit a breakdown in such organisation.

Psychologists Mary Main and Judith Solomon described this as a “breakdown of organized strategies.”

In simpler terms, the child doesn’t have a clear or consistent way to get comfort from their caregiver – often because the person they turn to for safety is also the one they fear.

In their research using the Strange Situation (a structured observation where children briefly separate and reunite with their caregiver), Main and Solomon identified seven common signs of disorganized attachment:

Contradictory behaviors shown one after the other: For example, a child might seek contact—then suddenly turn away or push the caregiver.
Contradictory behaviors happening at the same time: A child might reach for a hug while keeping their head averted or body turned.
Freezing or stilling: The child may stop moving completely, sometimes with a blank or dazed expression.
Disorientation: The child seems confused, aimless, or unsure what to do – especially during reunions.
Fearful or apprehensive responses: Some children flinch, shrink back, or look scared in the presence of their caregiver.
Undirected or incomplete actions: The child might start to approach and then hesitate or stop halfway.
Unusual postures or repetitive movements: This might look like sudden jerky movements, repetitive rocking, or odd body positions.

These behaviors can look strange, but they often reflect a painful inner conflict: the child is drawn to their caregiver for comfort, yet afraid of them at the same time.

This creates what Main and Hesse later called a “fright without solution” – a situation where there’s no safe path forward.

Children caught in this kind of conflict often have a hard time calming down when upset. They may stay distressed for long periods and respond unpredictably to efforts to soothe them.

How It Can Evolve in Older Children

As children with disorganized attachment grow, their behaviors often change.

In middle childhood and adolescence, many begin to develop more complex – but still unhealthy – ways of coping with their internal conflict.

One common pattern is the development of controlling behaviors, which fall into two main types:

Controlling–punitive: The child takes on a dominant or aggressive role, trying to control the caregiver through anger, criticism, or bossiness (e.g., yelling at or hitting the parent).
Controlling–caregiving: The child reverses roles and tries to care for or soothe the parent, often becoming overly concerned with the adult’s emotional state.

Other signs that may appear as the child gets older include:

Emotional or physical withdrawal from caregivers
Avoiding touch or comfort, such as stiffening or pushing away during hugs
Choosing to engage with strangers over familiar caregivers
Looking dazed or confused during reunions after separation
Unpredictable responses – being clingy one moment and distant the next

It is important to be aware that all children display some degree of disorganized behaviors when they are overly tired, sick, in pain, stressed, or have a neurological disturbance.

Thus, observing disorganized behavior some of the time is not enough to classify a child as disorganized. The behavior must be consistent and meet a certain threshold of intensity.

Treatment

Treatment for disorganised attachment is centred on improving the quality and consistency of the caregiving relationship, particularly by addressing any frightening, frightened, or dissociative behaviours on the part of the caregiver, often stemming from their own unresolved trauma.

Evidence-based interventions exist and have shown significant positive effects on reducing disorganisation and promoting more secure attachment patterns.

Disorganised attachment is not a fixed trait of the individual child; it tends to be relationship-specific (an infant may be disorganised with one parent but secure with another) and shows only modest stability over time.

This underscores the importance of targeted interventions within the specific caregiver-child dyad.

Interventions are more effective when begun at or after 6 months, potentially coinciding with the formation of the infant’s selective attachment strategy.

Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-Up (ABC)

What it is: A short-term home-visiting program for infants and toddlers who have experienced inconsistent or harmful caregiving.
How it works: Coaches help parents (1) learn to follow their child’s cues and respond promptly, (2) reduce confusing or frightening behaviors (e.g., intrusiveness, harsh tone), and (3) collaborate with toddlers on managing big emotions rather than taking over.
Why it helps: By strengthening sensitive, predictable interactions and minimizing parental behaviors that trigger fear or confusion, ABC lowers rates of disorganized attachment. Multiple trials—grounded in Main and Hesse’s research on frightened parental communication—have shown robust improvements in child attachment security.

Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP)

What it is: A year-long, relationship-based therapy for caregivers and their infants or young children, often used after traumatic or highly stressful family events.
How it works: Through weekly sessions, a trained therapist guides the parent–child dyad to revisit and process distressing experiences together, models empathic attunement, and coaches the caregiver in protective, non-frightening responses.
Why it helps: By directly addressing the parent’s own fears or trauma reactions and teaching consistent, nurturing responses, CPP strengthens the child’s sense of safety and reduces disorganized attachment patterns.

Disorganized Attachment Signs in Adults

Like disorganized children, disorganized adults will experience conflicted emotions in relationships that vacillate between anxiety and avoidance.

Avoidant individuals tend to seek distance and independence because their caregivers were unreliable, punitive, and/or unsupportive during their childhood. They fear further rejection, and thus, disregard their need for attachment and intimacy.

Paradoxically, this fear of abandonment results in a heightened need for attachment, leading to clingy and attention-seeking behavior.

Put shortly, disorganized individuals fear abandonment and intimacy, resulting in the contradictory “approach and avoid” behavior.

They will cling to others to satisfy their need for closeness and attention, but when others get too close, they will push them away and shut down.

Their behavior is inconsistent and chaotic because the simultaneous fear of rejection and intimacy results in wanting to be close while also wanting to distance themselves.

The Role of Fear, Confusion, and Dissociation

While fear plays a central role in disorganized attachment, it’s not the only factor.

Main and Hesse proposed that many of these behaviors are linked to problems in attention and memory, especially under stress.

When a child experiences frightening or inconsistent caregiving, their brain may struggle to process what’s happening.

This can lead to a looping or “jammed” attention system where the child can’t figure out whether to approach, avoid, or disconnect altogether.

In some cases, this looping of attention may lead to dissociation – a mental state where a person becomes disconnected from their thoughts, feelings, or surroundings.

For infants, this might look like freezing, zoning out, or suddenly stopping mid-action.

As these children grow up, they may experience dissociation more consciously, such as feeling numb, out-of-body, or confused during emotionally charged moments.

Dissociation is thought to be a key mechanism behind many of the strange and conflicted behaviors seen in disorganized attachment.

Other signs and features of disorganized attachment in adults include:

Having an unstable sense of self: e.g., extreme mood swings; multiple or conflicting identities.
Difficulty trusting others: Adults with disorganized attachment may find it challenging to trust others, often feeling suspicious or wary of people’s intentions. They hold inconsistent views of others and relationships with others (i.e., people are a source of fear and a source of comfort).
Unstable relationships: They may experience a pattern of intense, unstable relationships characterized by frequent breakups, conflicts, and emotional volatility.
Fear of intimacy: Despite craving closeness, they may fear intimacy and struggle with vulnerability, often pushing others away when relationships become too close.
Inconsistent behavior: Their actions and reactions may seem contradictory or unpredictable, vacillating between seeking closeness and withdrawing from others.
Difficulty regulating emotions: They may struggle with intense or overwhelming emotions, experience sudden mood swings, or have trouble calming down when upset.
Sensitivity to perceived rejection: They may be hypervigilant to signs of rejection or abandonment, often overreacting to minor cues or misinterpreting others’ actions.
Unresolved trauma: Many adults with disorganized attachment have a history of unresolved childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect that continues to impact their relationships and emotional well-being.
Difficulty with boundaries: They may struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, either being overly rigid or overly porous.
Persistent feelings of emptiness: Adults with disorganized attachment may experience chronic feelings of emptiness, loneliness, or disconnection, even when in relationships.
Impulsivity or reckless behavior: They may engage in impulsive or self-destructive behaviors as a way of coping with emotional pain or seeking attention.
Difficulty with self-reflection: They may have limited insight into their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, finding it challenging to reflect on their experiences and learn from them.
Feeling angry and aggressive towards their rejecting and unresponsive caregivers: This anger is displayed towards attachment figures and sometimes even transferred to other “innocent” people as well.

Triggers of Disorganized Attachment

Relationships are triggering for disorganized individuals because they are conflicted about what they want. While they do not trust others, they also desperately want to love and to be loved.

They anticipate being hurt, disappointed, and rejected by significant others, making them hyper-vigilant to signs that the other person is going to abandon them.

When they experience a trigger, their anxious and avoidant behavior is activated. This can be very confusing and upsetting to the other person in the relationship.

However, because the threat of abandonment and rejection feels warranted to the disorganized individual, they may feel entitled to their extreme reactions.

Examples of emotional triggers for disorganized attachment include:

Any sign of rejection, distance, or abandonment (e.g., not responding to messages or phone calls; not coming home on-time; spending a lot of time away from home; seeming distant and uninterested)
Inconsistency and hot-cold behavior (e.g., texting a lot one week and then not texting at all the next)
Avoidant behaviors (e.g., shutting down communication; walking away from conversation; giving the silent treatment)
Intimacy-seeking behaviors (e.g., making plans for future commitment; romantic gestures; wanting emotional support; physical contact and intimacy; vulnerability)
Feeling criticized (either real or imagined)

While individuals with “organized” insecure attachments (e.g., avoidant and anxious) have consistent and comprehensible triggers, disorganized individuals have triggers that are incoherent and complicated because of their internal conflict.

Thus, dealing with these triggers and developing a more secure attachment requires the disorganized person to address their inner conflict and manage their anxiety and avoidance through self-regulation strategies.

Self-Regulation Strategies for Disorganized Attachment Triggers

Unfortunately, most people with disorganized attachment styles have experienced a traumatic event at some point in their life.

These experiences often result in identity confusion, difficulties with emotion regulation, low self-esteem, substance misuse, and mental health problems, which can precipitate future traumas.

Thus, learning how to manage your emotions and feel more secure in your relationships is essential for improving your overall quality of life and well-being.

Even when our beliefs about ourselves are negative and unhelpful, we search for information that confirms these beliefs as it makes the world seem more predictable and coherent (self-verification theory).

This often means falling into relationships with people who treat you poorly because it feels “normal” and “deserved.”

It is important to be aware that these behaviors are not your fault. Your difficulties and insecurities with attachment developed because your needs were not met early in life.

These resulting thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are coping mechanisms that individuals use to deal with and alleviate emotional distress, reduce anxiety, and restore a sense of control.

The good news is that we can learn to manage our attachment insecurities by taking responsibility for our healing journey.

Although you can do a lot of this work individually, therapy is recommended for people with a disorganized attachment style.

A therapist can help you to identify your unhelpful beliefs and behaviors, examine your triggers, navigate challenges, and offer comfort.

Here is some advice on how to self-regulate your triggers and feel more confident in your life and relationships:

Practice Acceptance and Compassion

Your insecure attachment likely developed for reasons that were beyond your control. Therefore, treat yourself with compassion.

Notice when you’re being self-critical or overly harsh with yourself, and instead, practice self-kindness.

Be gentle and patient with yourself and treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support that you would offer a close friend.

Accept where you are now and focus on finding ways to heal and move forward.

When you accept yourself as you are, with both your strengths and imperfections, you will cultivate the power and motivation to transform.

Develop Self-Awareness

Without knowing and understanding your triggers, beliefs, and behaviors, you cannot change them. That’s why it’s important to develop self-awareness.

To do so, educate yourself on attachment theory and the disorganized attachment style.

It will give you insight into how it develops and how it manifests across your life and in your relationships.

Take time to observe your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors without judgment. Eventually, you will start to understand why you feel, think, and behave in certain ways.

You can try practicing mindfulness to cultivate present-moment awareness and non-judgmental acceptance of your thoughts and emotions.

Keep a journal to notice patterns, process emotions, and keep track of your progress.

Use Grounding Techniques

When you experience an emotional trigger, an alarm goes off in your brain, activating your fight or flight response.

This means your rational brain is “shut down” and you are operating on auto-pilot, reacting in unconscious ways that you have little control over.

Practicing grounding techniques consistently can help you to manage your emotions, both in general and in the moments when you are feeling triggered.

Grounding techniques include:

Breathing exercises
Progressive muscle relaxation
Meditation and yoga
Engaging and connecting with nature mindfully
Hot or cold sensory experiences (e.g., drinking hot tea or holding an ice cube in your hand)

Comfort Your Inner Child

A helpful technique to heal the wounds of the past is to mentally revisit your childhood and engage with your child-self with understanding, compassion, and support.

Because of your inconsistent, neglectful, and possibly even abusive caregiving experiences, you were not adequately acknowledged, cared for, or addressed during childhood.

By comforting your inner child, you can provide a sense of validation and acceptance to your child-self.

You can revisit and reimagine past experiences from a more compassionate and supportive perspective.

Tell your child-self that it was not their fault and acknowledge that it’s okay to feel sad or angry about the way you may have been treated.

Comforting your inner child can take away some of the power that the past may still have over you so you are able to step into your adult self with more confidence.

Grow Your Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

The inner conflict you experience and the instability of your emotions can make it difficult to know who you are and what you want.

The back and forth between wanting others to love and support you and wanting them to leave you can be exhausting.

It is important to realize that your desire for closeness and comfort is healthy; the reason why you feel anxious and avoidant is because of fear.

By working on improving your self-esteem and self-worth — either through therapy or self-reflective practices — you can learn to let go of this fear and acknowledge your need to connect with others.

Developing self-love takes time and patience, but by promoting a more cohesive sense of self, you will foster a stronger foundation for healthier attachment patterns.

You will understand that your needs are valid, you are worthy of love, and you are safe to express your emotions without judgment.

Establish and Maintain Boundaries

Here is some advice on establishing boundaries:

Identify what your values are/ what is important to you
Put everyone else’s opinions and needs aside – what do YOU need from a relationship?
Examine your relationships – what are the unhealthy aspects?
Ask yourself, what does it mean to be a healthy, independent adult?
Focus on your strengths and the things you do well
Identify and utilize your protective factors (e.g., certain relationships, social support, work, school/ university, values, problem-solving skills, etc.)
Now, think about establishing boundaries with significant others. Do you want a relationship with them? What do you want to share and not share with them? Where are your limits?

Once you have established your boundaries, you can communicate them to others when the time is appropriate. Let them know how you will respond if they do not respect your boundaries.

Remember, saying no to someone else often means you are saying yes to yourself. When you have a healthy, trusting relationship with yourself, you are much more able to have healthy relationships with other people, too.

Try Out Secure Behaviors

Once you have established a practice of self-regulation strategies, you can try implementing some secure behaviors. This will show that you are capable of managing your own emotions.

Initially, your anxiety might be quite high and you might want to withdrawal, but if you start with small changes and keep practicing, the feeling of discomfort and anxiety will subside.

When you feel triggered it can be helpful to ask yourself: how would a secure person think and behave in this situation? For example:

Talk to a loved one about how you are feeling in a calm and constructive way
When you get a sense that someone is rejecting you, ask yourself what other explanations there might be for their behavior – are they actually trying to hurt and reject you?
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes – how would you see your actions in someone else’s position?
When your emotions are starting to feel overwhelming, practice grounding techniques, go for a walk, or do something else that you enjoy
Express your needs and boundaries to someone without backtracking and without compromise
Allow someone else to support you and listen to their advice without thinking they are not interested, do not care, or have some sort of ulterior motive

Therapy

here are a few different therapies that show real promise when it comes to helping with disorganized attachment:

Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP): This one focuses on improving the relationship between a parent and child. It helps parents become more in tune with their child’s feelings, avoid scaring them, and act in ways that protect and support their little one. Some versions also work on helping parents manage their own emotional ups and downs. Research has even shown that kids whose parents went through CPP had better behavior years later — all because their attachment became more secure early on.
Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up (ABC): ABC is all about helping parents steer clear of harsh or scary behaviors. Instead, it encourages parents to work together with their kids to manage tough emotions. Basically, it’s about helping parents be more sensitive and responsive — which is a key part of making the intervention work.
Transference-Focused Psychotherapy (TFP): TFP helps people explore and sort out their confusing or unstable internal feelings about relationships — often by working through these feelings with the therapist. This process helps build stronger mentalizing skills and more secure attachments.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT is another therapy that’s been effective for borderline personality disorder, especially when there’s a long-term, trusting connection with the therapist. It helps people manage intense emotions and builds skills for healthier relationships.
General Psychotherapy: More broadly, therapy itself can help change attachment patterns. Just being in a safe, warm, and steady space where you feel heard can make a huge difference. Therapists try to stay aware of their own reactions too, especially since people with disorganized attachment might bring strong emotions into the room.

Disorganized Attachment Style Traits in Relationships

Attachment theory suggests that our early relationships and childhood experiences significantly shape our social and emotional development throughout our lifespan.

Disorganized attachment is one of the three types of insecure attachment styles. It is marked by unpredictability, emotional instability, and distrust in relationships.

People with a disorganized attachment style are typically the most difficult to have a relationship with because of their inconsistency and unpredictability.

Although it can be challenging, there are ways to build a healthy and stable relationship with disorganized individuals.

To do so, it is important for both individuals to understand the disorganized attachment style and the associated behavior. It is also helpful to know the partner’s attachment style and how it may interact with disorganized attachment.

Relationships with Disorganized Adults

The following are some of the traits and behaviors that come with being in a relationship with someone with a disorganized attachment style.

It is important to remember that this is an overview; not all disorganized individuals behave and think in the same ways.

Trust Issues

Growing up with caregivers who did not feel like a source of safety and acted in unpredictable and potentially abusive ways increases the chances of a child developing trust issues.

Furthermore, throughout their life, they may have had subsequent traumatic experiences that negatively impacted their ability to trust.

As a result, disorganized individuals tend to be very suspicious of their partner’s intentions and actively look for evidence of deceit and other breaches of trust. They might be jealous and scrutinize your friendships and activity on social media.

Although this comes from a place of fear and not wanting to be rejected and abandoned, it can be damaging to the health of a relationship and cause both people hardship.

Difficulties with Communication and Inconsistent Behavior

One of the main traits of disorganized attachment is simultaneously fearing abandonment and fearing intimacy. Individuals with this attachment style oscillate between acting clingy and acting avoidant.

Disorganized individuals often lack a stable sense of identity, making it difficult to access their emotions. They may struggle to know what’s real and what’s not.

This inner conflict means disorganized individuals often do not know what they need or want because it can vary from moment to moment. Their behavior tends to be inconsistent and unpredictable.

Consequently, their communication can be chaotic and difficult to follow, and partners often do not know how to help.

If they do try to offer their support, they might be pushed away, but if they give their partner space, they might make their partner feel abandoned.

If their partner has an avoidant attachment style, their avoidant behavior may trigger anxious behavior in a disorganized individual (e.g., demanding attention and communication; excessively texting and calling).

If they have an anxious attachment style, their anxious behavior may trigger a disorganized individual’s need for avoidance (e.g., shutting down communication; breaking up with their partner)

Mood Swings and Difficulties Regulating Emotions

Disorganized attachment is often accompanied by extreme mood swings and difficulties with managing emotions.

One moment they might be happy, excited, and loving, and the next moment they might be hateful and somber.

Or, they might have “good” weeks or months followed by a period of poor mental health (e.g., depression, anxiety, social withdrawal).

This attachment style is also associated with anger, which stems from being rejected by their caregivers and using anger to cope.

This anger might then be transferred to other people, especially romantic partners, who are confronted with hostile outbursts.

Growing up, these individuals likely did not learn healthy ways to manage their emotions. They also have likely experienced significant trauma which may still be unresolved.

Although this might explain the causes of anger and emotional instability, it does not excuse abusive behavior.

Anxious Behavior

An anxious attachment style is characterized by a strong fear of abandonment and rejection and being highly dependent on others for reassurance.

This fear can lead to clinginess, jealousy, and preoccupation within relationships.

When disorganized individuals sense rejection and abandonment, it can trigger anxious behavior as a way to cope with their fear.

Subsequently, they often need significant reassurance and attention from their partner and will become distressed if their partner can not provide this.

They might overstep your boundaries and personal space in an attempt to get closer to you.

The chaotic nature of the disorganized attachment style means that when they are displaying anxious behavior, it can generate guilt and shame, and they may suddenly become hostile, uncommunicative, and/or avoidant.

Avoidant Behavior

Avoidant attachment is characterized by suppressing the need for closeness and reassurance and being highly independent.

This is the result of emotional and physical rejection, which leads to a fear of intimacy and the use of avoidance as a way to cope.

Disorganized individuals also use avoidance as a way to cope, but unlike avoidant individuals, they want close relationships while also fearing them (rather than not seeking them at all).

They can be very focused on their own needs and find it difficult to empathize with others.

When there is a conflict or someone wants to communicate about their feelings, they might find this overwhelming and withdraw as a result.

They might also reject physical intimacy (e.g., hugging or touching) and avoid sharing how they feel or disclosing personal information.

Another common avoidance strategy is to sabotage the relationship, especially when things are going well.

They might be very critical and focus on the negative aspects of the relationship, find reasons to break up, or actually break up with their partner.

They might even have an affair or treat their partner in a way that makes them feel unloved and irrelevant.

Although it is usually subconscious, sabotaging behavior tends to come from wanting to confirm the beliefs they already hold about other people and relationships: that they cannot be trusted and everyone abandons them.

Dating Someone with a Disorganized Attachment Style

As discussed above, being in a relationship with a disorganized individual can be challenging and confusing.

However, like everybody else, they also have positive and attractive traits so working through the difficulties can be rewarding and worthwhile for both.

The following advice is written for those in close relationships with disorganized individuals.

However, for the relationship to work, it is important that both people involved work on their insecurities and behaviors and seek help if necessary.

Communication

For any relationship to work, open and effective communication is key. That means, expressing needs and problems in a calm and constructive way and actively listening.

Active listening involves:

Asking open-ended questions and listening to the response without interfering or shutting down
Validating what they are saying by asking follow-up questions, nodding, and verbally agreeing with them
Showing interest by holding eye contact, turning your body towards them, and uncrossing your arms

The aim of communication should be to find a solution, not to point fingers or cause the other person suffering.

Ask yourself whether you want the relationship to work, and if your answer is yes, focus your attention on solutions, not problems.

Boundaries

An important element of looking after your health as well as the health of your relationship is to establish and maintain strong boundaries.

Disorganized people often do not have strong boundaries and may therefore expect you to not have any either.

For both of you, it is a good idea to come up with behaviors that you will not tolerate and what the consequences of a boundary breach will be.

For example, if someone shouts aggressively, the other person will walk away and not communicate until the violent behavior has stopped.

Compassion and Patience

Generally, people with a disorganized attachment style are not intentionally malicious or difficult. They just have not learned how to cope with their emotions or how to feel and behave in a relationship.

Although that does not excuse them from working on their insecurities and complex behaviors, they would benefit from having a partner who shows them compassion and patience.

Remember that they want to love and be loved but struggle to express their feelings and needs clearly.

They have likely experienced a lot of trauma and would probably find it helpful to have someone who is there for them.

That does not even have to involve talking; sometimes it is enough to just be in their presence and let them know that you are on their side.

Acknowledge when things are going well, focus on their positives, and tell your partner know what you like about them, as this will soothe some of their anxiety.

But make sure you are also looking after your own well-being.

Sources

Allen, J. G., & Fonagy, P. (Eds.). (2006). The handbook of mentalization-based treatment. John Wiley & Sons.

Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., van IJzendoorn, M. H., & Juffer, F. ~2005!. Disorganized infant attachment and preventive interventions: A review and meta-analysis. Infant Mental Health Journal, 26, 191–216.

Dozier, M., Bernard, K., Roben, C. K., Steele, H., & Steele, M. (2017). Attachment and biobehavioral catch-up. Handbook of attachment-based interventions, 27-49.

Granqvist, P. et al. (2017). Disorganized attachment in infancy: a review of the phenomenon and its implications for clinicians and policy-makers. Attachment & Human Development, 19(6), 534-558.

Grube, W. A., & Liming, K. W. (2018). Attachment and biobehavioral catch‐up: A systematic review. Infant Mental Health Journal, 39(6), 656-673.

Hughes, P., Turton, P., Hopper, E., McGauley, G.A. & Fonagy, P. (2001). Disorganised attachment behaviour among infants born subsequent to stillbirth. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 42(6), 791-801.

Kernberg, O. F., Yeomans, F. E., Clarkin, J. F., & Levy, K. N. (2008). Transference focused psychotherapy: Overview and update. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 89(3), 601-620.

Kim, C. Y., & Goodman, S. H. (2024). Satisfaction with parental responsibilities and disorganized attachment among infants of mothers at risk for depression. Journal of Family Psychology, 38(2), 212–222.

Lieberman, A. F. (2004). Child-parent psychotherapy. Treating Parent-infant Relationship Problems–Strategies for Intervention.

Lieberman, A. F., Ippen, C. G., & Van Horn, P. (2006). Child-parent psychotherapy: 6-month follow-up of a randomized controlled trial. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 45(8), 913-918.

Linehan, M. M., & Wilks, C. R. (2015). The course and evolution of dialectical behavior therapy. American journal of psychotherapy, 69(2), 97-110.

Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2008). Attachment disorganization: Genetic factors, parenting contexts, and developmental transformation from infancy to adulthood. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2^nd ed., pp. 666–697). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Main, M., & Hesse, E. (2006). Frightened, threatening, dissociative, timid-deferential, sexualized, and disorganized parental behavior: A coding system for frightened/frightening (FR) parent-infant interactions. Unpublished manuscript, University of California at Berkeley.

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention (pp. 121–160). Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.

Paetzold, R., Rholes, W. & Kohn, J. (2015). Disorganized Attachment in Adulthood: Theory, Measurement, and Implications for Romantic Relationships. Review of General Psychology, 19 (2).

Puckett, J., Sood, M., & Newman‐Taylor, K. (2024). Does insecure attachment lead to psychosis via dissociation? A systematic review of the literature. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice, 97(2), 372-392.