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Anxious-preoccupied attachment, also known as ambivalent attachment in infants, describes adults who have low self-esteem but hold positive views of others, often seeking intimacy but fearing rejection.

This stems from attachment theory, proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, who argued that childhood attachment to a primary caregiver could affect relationships in later life. Bowlby explained that the attachment style you develop as an infant would translate into the same attachment style as an adult.

Intimate adult relationships differ greatly from those between infant and caregiver; however, the core principles of attachment theory can still be applied to these relationships.

Key Takeaways

Anxious preoccupied attachment behaviors stem from fears of abandonment and rejection, requiring empathy and understanding rather than criticism.
Common triggers include delayed responses, perceived distance, and reduced partner availability. Identifying these triggers helps manage attachment anxiety.
Proactively communicating emotional needs, practicing constructive expression of emotions, and cultivating self-awareness significantly improve relationship dynamics.
Reassurance, clear appreciation, and trustworthy behavior from partners effectively address underlying insecurities.
Therapeutic support such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or couples counseling can offer practical strategies and insights for overcoming anxious attachment challenges.

Signs Of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment in Adults

Anxious-preoccupied attachment style in adults is characterized by a strong desire for closeness and intimacy, coupled with significant anxiety about the availability and responsiveness of their partners. Common signs include:

Fear of Abandonment: Constant worry that a partner may leave or lose interest, leading to heightened anxiety in relationships.
Need for Reassurance: Frequently seeking confirmation of love and commitment, frequently needing regular reassurance from partners.
Low Self-Esteem: Holding negative views of oneself, feeling unworthy of love, and believing others are superior.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Experiencing intense jealousy and a desire to control relationships, stemming from insecurity and fear of rejection.
Overdependence: Relying heavily on partners for emotional support, often to the point of being perceived as clingy or needy.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Struggling to trust partners, leading to doubts about their loyalty and honesty.
Hypervigilance to Partner’s Actions: Scrutinizing every word, gesture, or action from a partner, looking for signs of disinterest or potential abandonment.

Reflection Questions

Do you recognize any of these traits in yourself or your behaviors? Which ones stand out most?
How do you typically respond when a partner doesn’t text back right away? Do you notice any attachment-related thoughts or feelings arising?
Can you think of times when your attachment style has created challenges in your relationships or work life?

It’s not all doom and gloom

While the anxious-preoccupied attachment style is often viewed as insecure, it’s important to recognize this attachment pattern also carries certain strengths.

Through the lens of positive psychology, which focuses on human potential, this style can be seen to endow individuals with heightened attunement to others’ needs, intense capability for closeness, and an exceptional investment in relationships.

Anxious-preoccupied adults are also typically accepting, cooperative, and able to detect threats early.

Viewing insecure attachment as a unique difference rather than a flaw highlights strengths like sensitivity to others’ needs and enhanced relationship management.

Viewing anxious-preoccupied attachment from this empowering perspective allows a deeper appreciation of the adaptive skills it can foster.

What Causes Anxious Preoccupied Attachment?

While it may not always be clear why someone may develop an anxious preoccupied attachment style, it is often a result of the parenting by the caregivers as a child.

Some of the possible ways in which parenting styles can cause an anxious preoccupied attachment style include the following:

Inconsistent parenting

Occurs when caregivers sometimes respond warmly and attentively to a child’s needs, but at other times are distant or insensitive. This unpredictability leaves the child feeling confused and insecure.

The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver who is always sending them mixed signals.

This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to predict what their parent’s behavior is going to be at any given time, resulting in elevated insecurity and anxiety.

Emotional distance

If a caregiver is emotionally distant or neglectful, especially when they are distressed or anxious, this can contribute to feeling insecure.

This can look like a parent who does not comfort their child when they are upset or neglecting their basic needs.

Intrusive parenting

An intrusive caregiver is one who gives intrusive attention to their child.

They have poor emotional boundaries, intrude on the child’s state of mind, and can be overbearing. The child may feel smothered by the caregiver and do not have enough room to grow or be themselves.

Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’

When caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs, this is known as fulfilling their ‘emotional hunger.’

If the caregiver is using the child to satisfy their own needs, they may be neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs.

The child, therefore, does not get their needs met and may go on to put everyone else’s needs above their own as they get older since this is what they have been used to doing.

Anxious preoccupied caregivers

It is likely that if a child has an anxious preoccupied attachment style, their caregiver also has this attachment style.

This is not likely due to genetic reasons; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations.

Without addressing the insecure attachment of the child, they may grow up to have their own child who is also anxious-preoccupied.

What Are Relationships With Anxious Preoccupied People Like?

Romantic relationships with anxious preoccupied adults can be intense and stressful for both the anxious person and their partner.

Often, it is not uncommon for people with an anxious attachment style to form relationships with those with an avoidant attachment style. Those with an avoidant attachment struggle to commit and can feed into the worries that anxious preoccupied people have.

According to Dr. Julie Smith, a clinical psychologist, these are the signs of an anxious attachment style in adult relationships:

You find it hard to trust them, so you constantly seek reassurance. However, your partner sometimes perceives this as controlling or clingy.
You feel dependent on your partner. Therefore, when you don’t have full access to them, it can trigger feelings of anxiety or even jealousy.
You have a low opinion of yourself and sometimes feel worthless. In contrast, you perceive your partner in a much more positive light.
You feel adequate only when your partner shows you approval. As a result, you’re always striving to meet their expectations.
You tolerate unhealthy behaviors that you acknowledge as toxic because you’re afraid that the end of the relationship would confirm your deep-seated belief that you’re somehow worthless or unlovable.

Below are some other ways in which the anxious preoccupied attachment style can present in relationships:

Uncontrollable worries about the relationship
Fear of being abandoned by partner
Possessiveness or jealousy in the relationship
Highly attuned to partner’s needs
Emotional ups and downs
Conflicts due to the above points

Managing Anxious Preoccupied Attachment

While you cannot change the attachment style you developed as a child, you can learn to manage or overcome it and move from anxious attachment to secure.

Understand Your Patterns

Educate yourself about anxious preoccupied attachment and reflect on your behavior in relationships.

For example, notice if you immediately assume your partner is losing interest when they reply slowly to messages. Recognizing these patterns can help you manage your reactions.

Dr. Nadine Macaluso has several worksheets on attachment styles and how to heal for better relationships on her website.

Practice Self-awareness

Pay attention to automatic negative thoughts, such as assuming rejection when your partner needs alone time. Challenge these by reminding yourself that their actions likely aren’t personal.

For instance, instead of thinking, “They don’t care about me,” reframe it as, “They value their space, which doesn’t diminish their feelings for me.”

Enhance Communication

Clearly and calmly express your emotional needs without criticism or blame. For instance, say, “I feel worried when I don’t hear from you all day. Could we agree on a quick check-in message?” rather than expressing frustration or insecurity indirectly.

Express Feelings Constructively

Channel your emotions into activities like journaling, art, music, or physical exercise. For example, journaling about feelings of jealousy or fear can help you process these emotions constructively instead of reacting impulsively.

Self-compassion and Reparenting

Treat yourself kindly, especially during moments of anxiety and imagine you are speaking to your child self. The idea is to give yourself the parenting you may not have got as a child.

For example, when feeling anxious, reassure yourself with comforting statements such as, “It’s understandable to feel anxious, but I’m safe and can handle this situation.”

There are several books to help reparent your inner child, such as the book, ‘Inner Child’ by Tiffany Trieu, which offers journalling activities and reflective practices to help heal from difficult parenting.

Seek Professional Support

Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or interpersonal therapy are highly beneficial. CBT, for example, helps you identify and adjust unhealthy thought patterns, such as catastrophizing minor relationship issues.

Helping Your Partner

If you have a partner with an anxious preoccupied attachment, there are some things you can do to support them:

Learn Their Attachment Needs

Understanding your partner’s attachment style enables empathetic support. For instance, if your partner worries about abandonment, reassure them regularly and proactively communicate plans clearly to avoid anxiety triggers.

Express Clear Appreciation

Clearly verbalize your appreciation to reassure them. Instead of general statements, specifically mention actions like, “I really appreciate you checking in with me earlier; it made me feel connected and cared for.”

Consistent Reassurance

Provide consistent verbal and behavioral reassurance while not giving too much reassurance – try to find a healthy balance.

If unavailable, explicitly state this beforehand, such as, “I will be busy today, but let’s connect tonight at 7 pm.”

This can reduce uncertainty and anxiety. But, try to stick with this one statement rather than giving several more reassurances throughout the day.

Maintain Trustworthiness

Reliably keep promises and commitments. If you promise to call or spend time together, prioritize following through.

For example, if you regularly stick to your plan of calling your partner every evening, this can help them feel reassured that you are trustworthy.

Encourage Constructive Self-Reflection

Gently help your partner become aware of attachment-driven behaviors. If they show jealousy when you spend time with friends, gently explore these feelings together rather than criticizing them.

Consider Couples Therapy

Therapy can significantly strengthen your relationship by improving mutual understanding. Couples counseling provides tools for better communication, helping partners navigate and manage anxieties constructively.

Further Information

References

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