Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to others’ demands and avoidance of direct confrontation. It often involves showing irritability or hostility through subtle means like critical comments, sarcasm, cynicism, or complaints about minor issues.
It can show up as a disconnect between what someone says and what they do.
Sometimes it is deliberate. A person may use it as a strategy to manipulate others. Other times it comes from a fear of conflict and difficulty with direct communication.
Either way, it typically involves a lack of clear and honest expression of thoughts and feelings.
Signs of passive-aggressive behavior include:
- Resentment and opposition to the demands of others – especially of those in authority.
- Resistance to cooperation, such as procrastination.
- Intentional mistakes in response to the demands of others.
- Cynical, sullen, or hostile attitude.
- Frequent complaints about feeling underappreciated or cheated.
Backhanded compliments
These are comments that are subtle insults intended to put down the person being addressed without seeming mean-spirited.
The comment and the tone may reflect that the person is being nice, but there is a covert insult in their statement.
Examples you hear can include:
- “You look so much nicer when you smile,” which implies you do not look nice unless you are smiling.
- “Good for you for trying your best,” which may imply that while you may try hard, it is not good enough.
- “Your hair looks so much better now,” which implies previous hairstyles did not look good on you.
Sarcasm
Passive-aggressive individuals may use sarcasm to express negative feelings indirectly.
This allows them to make hurtful comments while maintaining plausible deniability by claiming “It was just a joke” if confronted.
Sarcasm becomes passive-aggressive when used to convey criticism or resentment without directly addressing the underlying issue.
Examples of passive-aggressive sarcasm include:
- Responding “Oh great, another tie” when receiving a gift, implying dissatisfaction without openly expressing it
- Saying “Nice of you to finally show up” to a late-arriving colleague, indirectly criticizing their tardiness
- Remarking “I’m sure you tried your best” after someone’s failure, subtly suggesting their effort was inadequate
In these cases, sarcasm serves as a vehicle for expressing negative emotions or judgments while avoiding direct confrontation or honest communication about the speaker’s true feelings.
Silent treatment
The silent treatment is simply not talking to someone who has upset you. People will use their silence to let others know they did something they do not agree with.
This is a way of refusing to verbally communicate why they feel hurt, leaving the other person to figure out why they are mad.
This behavior withholds attention. It also avoids direct conflict, which may be more uncomfortable for someone to deal with.
Silence can be read as passive-aggressive in certain contexts. For example, someone may refuse to respond during an argument.
Relationship researchers, including John Gottman, call this stonewalling. It means refusing to respond or engage during a conflict, whether by staying silent, leaving the room, or shutting down.
Similarly, ignoring a question or never replying to a message can read the same way. All in all, silence when a response is warranted is often considered passive aggression.
Evading issues
People who evade issues avoid addressing problems directly, often pretending everything is fine when it’s not.
This behavior stems from a reluctance to deal with emotions or confront difficult situations head-on. Instead of openly discussing concerns, they may deflect or minimize issues.
Examples of evading issues in a passive-aggressive manner include:
- Repeatedly saying “I’m fine” when clearly upset, forcing others to guess at the problem
- Changing the subject when an important topic is brought up, avoiding necessary discussions
- Giving vague or non-committal responses to direct questions, preventing resolution of conflicts
This evasion can lead to unresolved tensions and frustration in relationships, as important issues remain unaddressed and emotions unexpressed.
Withholding
Withholding includes holding back on privileges that would otherwise be normal as a way to punish another person.
For instance, a parent usually makes breakfast for their child every day. One day, they stop. They give no reason and suggest that the child make breakfast themselves.
Time, money, or any kind of behavior that is usually typical in a relationship can be withheld.
Withholding as Half of a Shared Pattern
Esther Perel is a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? She sees withholding as part of a shared pattern.
In Burdens of the Family, Perel tells a husband who avoids refusing his wife that he does say no, “in your own passive aggressive way”.
He avoids her, does not follow through, and lets her repeat the request instead of answering it. It works as an unspoken refusal.
As Perel explains in It’s Very Hard to Live with a Saint, the more one partner withholds, the more intensely the other tends to pursue. The more one pursues, the further the other tends to retreat. Each partner, in her words, is “cocreating the other”.
Perel’s point is that withholding is rarely one person’s fixed trait. It is often one half of a “dance” that both partners keep in motion.
Indirect Refusal
Indirect refusal involves avoiding saying “no” directly while still failing to meet someone’s needs or requests.
This passive-aggressive tactic allows the person to avoid confrontation or the discomfort of refusing outright, while still not complying with the request.
Examples of indirect refusal include:
- Agreeing to a task but consistently “forgetting” to do it, effectively refusing without saying no
- Making excuses or creating obstacles that prevent completion of a promised favor
- Deliberately performing a task poorly to avoid being asked again in the future
This behavior can lead to frustration and confusion for the person making the request, as they may be unsure whether the task was genuinely forgotten or intentionally ignored.
It also allows the person refusing to maintain a facade of cooperation while actually resisting demands.
Moody behavior
While occasional moodiness is normal, consistently using sullen or irritable behavior to communicate dissatisfaction without addressing the underlying issue is a form of passive-aggression.
This tactic allows the person to express negative emotions indirectly while avoiding clear communication about their feelings.
Examples of passive-aggressive moody behavior include:
- Giving short, curt responses when upset, making it obvious something is wrong without discussing it
- Slamming doors or stomping around to show anger, rather than expressing it verbally
- Withdrawing emotionally and becoming distant to punish someone, without explaining why
This behavior often leaves others walking on eggshells, trying to guess what’s wrong.
It can create a tense atmosphere and hinder productive problem-solving in relationships.
Learned helplessness
In the context of passive-aggressive behavior, learned helplessness refers to feigning inability to perform tasks as a way of avoiding responsibilities or expressing resentment.
This tactic allows the individual to resist demands indirectly while maintaining an appearance of incompetence rather than defiance.
Examples of passive-aggressive learned helplessness include:
- Consistently “forgetting” how to use technology to avoid assisting with digital tasks
- Deliberately performing household chores poorly to avoid being asked to do them again
- Claiming inability to understand simple instructions as a way of refusing to complete a task
This behavior can be frustrating for others, as it’s often clear that the person is capable but choosing not to apply their skills.
It allows the passive-aggressive individual to avoid direct refusal while still resisting requests or expectations.
Making wistful comments
Wistful comments indirectly express desires or criticisms without taking responsibility for them.
This passive-aggressive tactic allows the speaker to voice dissatisfaction while avoiding direct requests or confrontations, often inducing guilt or discomfort in others.
Examples:
- “I wish I could afford a house like yours, but I don’t earn as much as you.” (Implies criticism of the listener’s wealth or spending habits)
- “It must be nice to have time for hobbies. Some of us have to work all the time.” (Indirectly criticizes the listener’s work ethic or time management)
- “If only I had your confidence, I could speak up in meetings too.” (Subtly implies the listener is overconfident or domineering)
Patronizing language
Using unnecessarily simple language or condescending tones to undermine someone’s intelligence or competence.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows the speaker to assert superiority while maintaining a facade of helpfulness.
Examples:
- Explaining basic concepts with excessive detail to an experienced colleague (Implying incompetence)
- Using pet names or diminutives in professional settings (Undermining authority or status)
- Repeatedly asking, “Do you understand?” after simple explanations (Suggesting intellectual inferiority)
Procrastination/not finishing tasks
Deliberately delaying or leaving tasks incomplete as a way to express anger or resistance.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows individuals to avoid direct confrontation while still showing their dissatisfaction or unwillingness to comply.
Examples:
- Consistently putting off agreed-upon favors (Indirectly expressing unwillingness to help)
- Starting projects but never quite finishing them (Showing resistance to authority or expectations)
- Backing out of commitments at the last minute (Indirectly expressing resentment or unwillingness)
Lateness
Generally, being late is not passive-aggressive and may not always be purposeful, but lateness can be used as a weapon.
Someone can be intentionally late to punish someone else who annoyed them.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows individuals to inconvenience others or assert dominance without directly confronting issues.
Examples:
- Consistently arriving late to meetings with a specific person (Showing disrespect or resentment)
- Showing up late to events without apology or concern (Demonstrating a lack of consideration)
- Delaying responses to messages from someone they’re upset with (Indirectly expressing anger)
Exclusion
Using exclusion and isolating others can also be used as a way to show annoyance or hurt indirectly.
Social exclusion can involve having a party and inviting everyone except the targeted person.
Professional exclusion can include leaving someone out of a meeting or out of the loop on a deadline change.
Making Excuses
Sometimes, passive-aggression can be manifested in creating excuses for not doing something rather than directly stating the frustrations they have.
For example, someone may regularly claim to be sick or to have a headache. This interferes with their responsibilities, which they do not want to fulfill. They never state the real reason.
Ghosting
Ghosting is suddenly cutting off communication without explanation, often to avoid confrontation or express dissatisfaction indirectly.
This passive-aggressive behavior allows individuals to end relationships or express anger without having to face the other person’s reactions.
Examples:
- Abruptly stopping all contact after a date (Avoiding direct rejection)
- Ignoring messages from a friend after a minor disagreement (Expressing anger without confrontation)
- Disappearing from a project without explanation (Indirectly expressing dissatisfaction with the work)
How Does Passive-Aggressive Behavior Feel?
Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior can evoke a range of uncomfortable emotions and reactions:
- Confusion: You might feel perplexed, unsure if you’ve actually been insulted or if you’re overreacting. The ambiguity of the situation can leave you second-guessing yourself and the interaction.
- Frustration: The indirect nature of passive-aggression can leave you feeling exasperated, unable to address the real issue. This can build up over time, leading to a sense of helplessness or being trapped in a situation you can’t resolve.
- Self-doubt: You may start to question your own perceptions or reactions. This can erode your self-confidence over time and make you hesitant to trust your own judgment.
- Anger: The manipulation inherent in passive-aggressive behavior can provoke resentment. This anger might simmer beneath the surface, causing stress and tension in your body and mind.
- Guilt: Passive-aggressive tactics often aim to make others feel responsible for the aggressor’s unhappiness. This can weigh heavily on you, creating a sense of unearned responsibility.
- Tension: Unresolved issues can create a palpable sense of discomfort in relationships. This tension can manifest physically as well as emotionally.
- Emotional exhaustion: Constantly navigating passive-aggressive behavior can be mentally and emotionally draining. You might feel worn out from always having to read between the lines or brace yourself for subtle jabs.
- Isolation: If the passive-aggressive behavior occurs in group settings, you might feel singled out or gaslit if others don’t seem to notice or acknowledge the behavior.
These feelings can accumulate over time, potentially impacting your self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.
The indirect nature of passive-aggression often makes it challenging to address, which can compound these negative emotions and create a cycle of discomfort and unresolved conflict.
Research on Withdrawal and Relationship Quality
Researchers have begun to test whether withdrawing and hostile behavior carries a measurable cost. Two recent studies followed couples over a year.
A Day of Recorded Conversations
Ryjova et al. (2024) recruited 106 young adult dating couples (mean age 22.6). Each partner carried a smartphone that audio-recorded about half of one ordinary day.
The recordings captured real conversation, not later memory. Trained coders rated them for hostility and withdrawal.
A year later, each partner reported on relationship aggression, satisfaction, and whether the couple was still together.
Hostility on the recorded day was linked to more aggression and lower satisfaction a year on. Withdrawal by the other partner was linked to lower later satisfaction and a greater chance that the relationship had ended. A partner’s own withdrawal predicted more aggression from that partner.
Insecure Attachment and Retreat From Conflict
Lefebvre et al. (2026) followed 263 cohabiting Canadian couples. They completed online questionnaires five times, three months apart.
The team tested whether insecure romantic attachment predicts lower satisfaction a year later. That means anxiety about being abandoned or avoiding closeness.
Insecure attachment was indirectly linked to lower satisfaction in both partners. The route ran through conflict patterns in which one partner pressed while the other retreated, or both pressed.
Avoidant attachment was also linked to lower satisfaction in both partners when both avoided the conflict. Earlier work had largely overlooked that pattern.
Both studies are observational, so they show links, not cause. Retreat in the second study was self-reported and cannot be separated from ordinary avoidance of a hard conversation. It speaks to withdrawal in general, not to deliberate silent treatment.
Why do people act passive-aggressive?
There are many reasons why someone may be passive-aggressive, including the following:
Early life experiences
Many people may be passive-aggressive due to their upbringing, especially their relationships with their parents.
They may have learned from a young age that their wants, needs, or preferences didn’t matter. If they tried to be honest with their parents, they might have been criticized, rejected, or put down.
Even as adults, the thought of trying to be direct with people may fill people with anxiety, so they have learned to get their needs met through passive-aggressive methods.
It may be that their parents were also very passive-aggressive. The child then mirrors these behaviors and can come to believe that this is the only way to deal with negative emotions.
Emotional dysregulation
For many reasons, someone may use passive-aggression as they struggle to regulate their emotions.
This could be due to feeling stressed or having extreme nerves but also from having depression, anxiety, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Situational reasons
Someone may not be passive-aggressive normally, but there could be situations where expressing anger directly does not seem appropriate or feels uncomfortable.
Hence, they resort to indirect ways of showing aggression.
For instance, imagine a boss who acts rudely during a work meeting. You may not feel confident enough to call out their behavior, or you may worry about repercussions.
Thus, you may act out in passive-aggressive ways.
Confrontation is uncomfortable
Some people may not feel comfortable sticking up for themselves directly, so they resort to an easier option.
Being assertive can make people feel vulnerable, and they may not want to risk losing relationships with others by engaging in confrontation.
Being passive-aggressive allows them to avoid any confrontation that is uncomfortable while still expressing their emotions, albeit in an unproductive way.
Recognizing Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Yourself
The same indirectness that makes passive-aggressive behavior hard to name in someone else can make it just as hard to spot in yourself.
Signs You May Be Doing It
The core signal is feeling resentful or upset while not saying so openly. Signs to look for include:
- Indirect Criticism: making subtle, negative remarks instead of stating your feelings, needs, or concerns directly.
- Nonverbal Hostility: showing resentment through eye-rolling, sighing, or slamming things instead of saying what is wrong.
- Selective Procrastination: putting off tasks specifically for people you resent or disagree with.
- Excuses: making excuses to avoid events or activities you do not want to attend.
- Punishing Silence: ignoring others as punishment, or giving them the silent treatment.
- Hidden Digs: making seemingly positive statements that carry a cynical meaning.
The corrective is to raise the underlying concern constructively and directly, instead of letting it leak out sideways. Our guide on how to stop being passive-aggressive covers practical steps.
A Case Example: Three Days of Silence
Published clinical case material shows why this is hard to see from the inside. According to a clinical case published by Flemons (2026), a wife described her husband before a couples therapy session as “thin-skinned, angry, and passive-aggressive”.
(Identifying details were anonymized, as is standard for published clinical case material.)
The husband explained what triggered his three-day silence.
“My wife said that she didn’t tell me what happened with the car because she ‘just knew’ how I’d react. I was so furious she said that, I refused to talk to her for 3 days.”
Asked what he had wanted her to understand, he agreed, “without question,” that he wanted to send her a message. She had experienced the silence as deliberate punishment. He saw it as a “principled stand”. Neither understood the other’s position until it was named explicitly in the session.
The exchange shows why recognizing this pattern in yourself is hard. The husband felt his silence was restraint, not an indirect message his wife was left to decode alone.
Responding to Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Detecting and addressing passive aggression can be challenging due to its indirect nature, but there are steps to reduce the behavior.
Assess the situation to identify potential causes and if not possible, respond to the passive-aggressive behavior in a way that defuses rather than escalates the situation.
- Recognize behavior patterns by identifying the ways someone is being passive-aggressive and understanding the purpose behind their behavior, allowing for effective communication about their needs.
- Remain objective by recognizing that the passive-aggressive behavior is often not about you but reflects the individual’s own issues with expressing themselves directly.
- Don’t overreact and give the person the benefit of the doubt, avoiding quick judgments and trying to view the situation from multiple perspectives before reacting.
- Have a direct discussion with the passive-aggressive person, describing your experiences and feelings without accusing or attacking them while setting expectations for open and healthy communication.
- Don’t compromise your own communication skills by responding in a passive-aggressive manner, but instead model clear communication and set boundaries for both parties.
- Consider limiting contact if the person doesn’t adjust their behavior or reacts negatively, focusing on self-care and seeking support if needed (Kantor, 2002).
Is Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder a Real Diagnosis?
Psychologists have framed passive-aggressive behavior in at least three ways. The framing affects how it is assessed and treated.
From Official Diagnosis to Appendix
Passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) was an official diagnosis in the DSM-III. The DSM-IV moved it to an appendix of categories needing further study. That was a demotion. The DSM-5 does not list it among its personality disorders (American Psychiatric Association, 2013).
Wetzler and Morey (1999) reviewed the literature and called the demotion a mistake. They argued that PAPD could be reliably diagnosed, was fairly prevalent, and described clinical features distinct from other personality disorders.
Hopwood et al. (2009) tested that claim directly.
They assessed 733 patients with the Diagnostic Interview for DSM-IV Personality Disorders at intake and again at two and four years. PAPD proved internally consistent and reasonably stable.
It also related to borderline and narcissistic personality disorder, to negative-affect traits, and to childhood neglect and abuse. The authors concluded that the results supported its construct validity, meaning that it behaves as a coherent, stable category.
Even so, the diagnosis has never returned to the main list.
A Trait Combination or a Communication Style?
A rival view treats passive aggression as one end of ordinary personality dimensions. It is not a separate disorder.
Costa and McCrae (1990) used the five-factor model, a widely used map of personality along five broad dimensions. They correlated its traits with personality-disorder scales.
The passive-aggressive profile combined relatively high neuroticism, low conscientiousness, and low agreeableness. On this view, someone acts passive-aggressively by pairing ordinary emotional reactivity with below-average follow-through and below-average willingness to accommodate others.
No distinct pathology is needed.
A third view sees it as a communication style that anyone can use in a given moment, alongside passive, aggressive, and assertive styles. Here, withholding is a situational response that two partners fall into together, not a fixed trait of one person.
Measuring It, and the Limits of the Evidence
For decades, passive-aggressive behavior was easier to describe than to measure. Schanz et al. (2021) developed the Test of Passive Aggression, a 24-item self-rating scale that separates self-directed from other-directed behavior.
It showed good to excellent internal consistency and good four-week retest reliability.
A validated scale took until the 2020s to appear. That is informative. It reflects the same uncertainty about the pattern that left the diagnosis in the appendix.
Self-report has a built-in limit. Passive aggression lets people deny any hostile intent, even to themselves, so they may not notice it.
The evidence is also narrow. The key studies drew on U.S. treatment settings, German samples, and young, largely U.S.-based dating couples. Whether the findings hold in non-Western or more collectivist cultures, where norms around direct confrontation differ, remains open.
Evidence Check: How Strong Is the Research?
Verdict: Supported with qualifications.
Research supports the claim that withdrawing and negative behavior toward a partner goes with worse relationships. The associations are small and mostly correlational. Whether passive aggression forms one recognizable pattern is more contested.
The strongest evidence comes from meta-analyses, which pool many studies. Kanter et al. (2021) pooled 64 longitudinal studies that followed both partners over time (1,784 estimates).
Negative communication was associated with later relationship quality, a small effect (within-partner r = -.17, cross-partner r = -.16). It was also associated with breakup, a small-to-moderate effect (d = -0.41).
Woodin (2011) pooled 64 studies of observed conflict (5,071 couples). Hostility was associated with lower concurrent satisfaction at a medium effect. Withdrawal and distress were associated only at a small effect.
So the cost of withdrawal should not be overstated. Neither meta-analysis isolates passive-aggressive tactics, and neither shows cause.
Whether the signs in this article form one recognizable pattern is less settled. Hopwood et al. (2009) and Fossati et al. (2000) found the diagnostic criteria hung together as a single dimension. Rotenstein et al. (2007) did not.
In 1,158 outpatients, the seven criteria hung together poorly (internal consistency 0.50). Almost 90% of the 35 patients (3.02%) meeting the criteria had another personality disorder.
All three found substantial overlap with other disorders. In 379 Italian patients, Fossati et al. (2000) found a strong association with narcissistic personality disorder (odds ratio 10.38).
None of these studies is a meta-analysis. They tested the DSM-IV criteria, which are close to, but not the same as, the signs listed here.
For readers, the safest conclusion is descriptive. Indirect hostility and withdrawal are real, measurable patterns, and they tend to go with less satisfying relationships.
Claims that they cause relationships to fail, or that they mark out a distinct personality type, go further than the evidence. No trial in the research reviewed here has tested whether teaching couples to communicate directly reduces them.
Key Takeaways
- Definition: Passive-aggressive behavior is indirect resistance or hostility, such as sarcasm or silence, used instead of saying what is wrong.
- Common Signs: Backhanded compliments, the silent treatment, withholding, procrastination, and ghosting express anger without open confrontation.
- Impact: Receiving it often brings confusion, self-doubt, and exhaustion, because the real issue is never named.
- Causes: Fear of conflict, habits learned in childhood, and difficulty regulating emotions can all drive it. Anyone may slip into it under pressure.
- Responding: Stay calm, describe the impact directly, and set clear expectations or boundaries if the pattern continues.
- Verdict: Supported with qualifications – withdrawing and negative behavior go with worse relationships, but the links are small and mostly correlational.
Further Information
- How to respond to passive-aggressive behavior
- How to stop being passive-aggressive
- Full text of the Hopwood et al. (2009) study
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596
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