Unhealthy relationships are often marked by repeated behaviors, habits, and communication that make the relationship feel negative and almost unbearable for one or both parties involved.
Unhealthy relationships can have a significant detrimental impact on a person’s mental health and well-being.
While in some types of relationships, the presence of toxic or abusive behaviors is evident, unhealthy patterns can be subtle and more difficult to recognize.
They can sometimes emerge as a result of temporary life stressors or change in circumstances or indicate more persistent patterns that become more noticeable as the relationship evolves over time.
By being in touch with our own and our partner’s needs, it is possible to recognize these patterns better and find ways to address them (Walters, 2015).
What is the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship?
Healthy relationships rest on mutual support, respect, and equality (Feeney and Collins, 2015). The differences below show up across a few key areas.
- Communication: healthy partners openly share their needs and work to understand each other’s feelings; avoiding discussion of problems, by contrast, breeds misunderstanding and conflict.
- Compromise: healthy partners are open to compromise and listen to each other’s perspective to find solutions that work for both.
- Flexibility: healthy partners adapt their own behaviour to support the relationship; an inflexible refusal to change becomes an obstacle over time.
- Boundaries: healthy partners set boundaries, respect personal space, and encourage each other’s separate goals and interests.
- Commitment: a healthy relationship has a balance of commitment, with both people actively trying to make it work and grow.
Signs of an unhealthy relationship
Six patterns show up again and again in the relationships this page describes:
- Lack of support: emotional needs go unnoticed or unmet.
- Negative communication: criticism, blame, and shutting down instead of talking things through.
- Over-dependence: constantly seeking a partner’s approval and struggling to decide things alone.
- Overly-controlling behaviour: checking up, jealousy, and restricting what a partner is free to do.
- Gaslighting: making a partner doubt their own memory or perception of events.
- Physical or emotional abuse: force, violence, or sustained attempts to undermine self-esteem.
Lack of support
In an unsupportive relationship, our emotional needs might go constantly missed or unattended to. This builds a sense of loneliness and lets tension accumulate in the relationship (Feeney and Collins, 2015).
When a partner is unsupportive, they might minimize our feelings, saying, for example, “You are overreacting to this” or “This is not a big deal,” instead of validating our emotions.
The tendency to dismiss serious conversations might also indicate that our partner is unavailable to listen and feels uncomfortable dealing with problems that are left unresolved.
Not asking about our mood, especially during a tough time, might suggest an unwillingness to help. That silence speaks volumes. It can also mean not looking for ways to make us feel a bit better.
Finally, in an unsupportive relationship, our partner might show a lack of engagement in our goals, values, and ambitions for the future, and they do not celebrate our little achievements.
Negative communication
Effective communication helps create a deeper connection with the partner and is one of the key elements for maintaining a healthy relationship (Preston Ni, 2014).
Frustrated language, like “You always do this” or “You never take my side,” can make us feel inadequate. That framing turns discussion into attack. It highlights what is wrong instead of how things can be done better.
Blaming each other for mistakes or adopting overly-critical language can also diminish the perception of self-worth and cause both parties to become more defensive and less prone to negotiation.
Another sign of negative communication is making assumptions, and expecting the other person to read our mind, rather than clearly stating our needs.
Abruptly stopping communication or refusing to explain what offended us can also create more distance in the relationship.
Over-dependence
Over-dependence can arise when we are involved in a relationship characterized by low confidence and self-esteem (Bacon et al., 2020).
We might constantly look for approval from our partners, considering their judgment more relevant than ours, and we struggle to make decisions independently.
We might also have difficulty establishing healthy boundaries or making compromises that do not take our needs into account, as we fear rejection from the other person.
Emotional dependency may also involve the belief that we will not find a sense of fulfillment on our own, and the prospect of being left causes us significant anxiety.
This increases the risk of developing a relationship that is excessively disempowering and manipulative.
Overly-controlling
In a controlling relationship, one partner dominates the other in a way that makes them feel intimidated, insecure or guilty (Preston Ni, 2014).
Sometimes, the person might adopt behaviors that seem very caring and affectionate. However, the aim of these actions is to prevent us from doing things that are outside our control.
Signs are usually behavioral. Some signs include a partner getting upset when we make plans that do not include them. Another is the need to constantly check where we are, and who with, through texts and calls. That vigilance itself is a signal.
Control may also manifest in the forms of jealousy and possessiveness, to the point where our partner might accuse us of infidelity.
As a consequence, they might make us feel guilty when we spend time with other people or try to isolate us from our friends and family.
Gaslighting behaviors
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes us to question our own beliefs and sense of reality (Preston Ni, 2017).
It creates an imbalance in power dynamics, and it can result in significant forms of control and psychological abuse.
The aim of gaslighters is to make us lose confidence in our ability to interpret facts while trying to reduce their sense of accountability for their own actions.
Phrases like “You are worrying too much” or “It didn’t happen this way” can minimize our feelings. They plant self-doubt about our own reactions.
Another example is “If you really care about me, you would do this.” It pressures us to lower our own boundaries.
As couples therapist Esther Perel explains, chronic self-doubt and a creeping distrust of our own sanity are close to what being gaslit feels like from the inside. Whether any single incident can be proven barely matters.
In her view, what matters most is noticing the pattern, not any one moment. Doubting our own perception, or being blamed for the feeling we just described, is not a good situation.
Physical or emotional abuse
Abuse is a pattern where one partner has almost complete control over the other (Goldner, 2004).
It can manifest with physical abuse, where force and violence are used to obtain what the partner wants. Or it can take the form of emotional abuse, with behaviors that are less tangible and, therefore, difficult to identify. Either form causes real harm.
Forms of physical abuse include hitting, slapping, punching, shoving, or forced sex. Even if experienced as a one-time incident, it can be a warning sign of future abuse.
Emotional abuse involves attempts to undermine the other person’s self-esteem, for example, through criticizing, humiliating and belittling.
It might also show unrealistic expectations placed on the partner and significant dissatisfaction when these are not met.
First warning signs of an unhealthy relationship
In unhealthy relationships, we may feel uncomfortable sharing our true thoughts and emotions, either due to fear of the partner’s reaction or a lack of psychological security.
We also might feel like we need to walk on eggshells around our partner due to frequent ups and downs, mood swings, or unpredictable behaviors.
Consequently, we might not voice our personal needs, trying instead to overcompensate for the lack of effort by giving up our wants and desires.
This can, in turn, result in an imbalanced, one-sided relationship that leaves us unsatisfied and emotionally drained.
Another warning sign of an unhealthy relationship is the tendency to justify or rationalize the other person’s behaviors despite the growing discomfort, hoping they will act differently in the future (Walters, 2015).
We also might struggle to identify ways our partner has positively influenced us or collaborative behaviors that make the couple work as a team.
If we generally feel less confident about our personal qualities, this might indicate our partner is not showing enough appreciation for the person we are and our experiences of success.
The impact of unhealthy relationships
Unhealthy relationships can be very damaging to our sense of self-worth and leave us with feelings of anxiety, fear, and depression (Walters, 2015).
Suddenly, we tend to perceive our identity through the eyes of our partner, and our ego might have become more fragile as a result of insidious, longstanding negative patterns.
We may also be more suspicious towards others, subconsciously fearing to receive the same treatment, and miss new opportunities to be accepted and loved.
Emotional and Psychological Effects
An unhealthy relationship can affect several parts of life at once:
- Confidence: constant second-guessing makes it harder to feel worthy of love.
- Isolation: withdrawing from others and losing interest in life outside the relationship.
- Concentration: work or study can suffer as the mind stays occupied by relationship worries.
- Mood: ongoing uncertainty and exhaustion can tip into a depressed, detached state (Simpson and Rholes, 2017).
- Emotional reactivity: fear of expressing opinions, and feeling constantly on edge and unsupported.
- Physical health: poor sleep, daytime fatigue, and a weaker immune system are common.
- Stress hormones: prolonged stress can raise cortisol, adding cardiovascular risk (Ditzen et al., 2007).
- Coping: some people develop dysfunctional coping habits, including alcohol or substance misuse, to distract from what’s happening.
How to fix an unhealthy relationship
Repairing an unhealthy relationship usually follows a similar sequence:
- Identify the problems: name the patterns behind the disconnection.
- Take responsibility: reflect on one’s own role, not just the other person’s.
- Practice healthy communication: listen closely and avoid sarcasm or interrupting.
- Show compassion: consider what might be driving a partner’s behaviour.
- Let the past rest: focus on present needs rather than old arguments.
- Seek additional support: couples therapy can help when patterns feel stuck.
Identify the problems
The first step towards building a healthier relationship is recognizing the problematic patterns that led to the point of disconnection from the partner.
Specifically, we might want to focus on the ABCD – accusations, blame, criticism, and demands.
Honesty matters here. At this stage, it is essential to be honest with each other when expressing problems. Approaching uncomfortable conversations as a chance for growth, not an attack, helps.
Breaking the cycle of unhealthy behaviors also requires both partners to commit to real change. Old habits die hard. That means maintaining that commitment in the long term, not falling back into them.
Take responsibility
Sometimes, problematic patterns do not involve one partner in isolation but emerge from a combination of both parties responding in a dysfunctional manner to each other.
For this reason, reflecting on our role in escalating the problem is essential, as well as acknowledging it in front of our partner.
We should also resist the impulse to blame our partner for triggering the problem, as this will elicit defensiveness from their side.
One way to approach it is by saying, “I feel hurt when you do…” rather than using the accusatory “You always do this.”
Practice healthy communication
When communicating, it is important to carefully listen to each other, paying close attention to the emotional needs our partner is conveying through their message (Overall and McNulty, 2017).
It is particularly important to avoid sarcasm, minimizing issues, and interrupting, as this will demonstrate disinterest in what the other person has to say.
Over-talking can also be a problem and discourage our partners from sharing their feelings.
To maintain healthy communication in the longer term, we can regularly create opportunities to engage in meaningful conversations with our partners and show emotional support.
Show compassion towards each other
When we feel inclined to blame our partners for a problem, identifying potential motivations for their behavior can help us gain perspective and view them with more compassion (Bolt et al., 2019).
For example, they might have had a difficult day at work, or they might be dealing with a different number of challenges resulting in reduced levels of stress tolerance.
Even though these contexts do not justify problematic behaviors, they can help get an understanding of where they are coming from.
Let the past rest
When we are losing an argument, we might be tempted to refer back to negative scenarios to prove our point.
However, this can cause increased frustration in the relationship and leave problems unresolved.
To make communication more efficient, it is important to focus on the present and discuss what our needs are going forward (Feeney and Collins, 2015).
If we cannot leave the past behind us, we can seek guidance and advice from a trained professional.
Seek additional support
If dysfunctional tendencies have been building up for a long time and we feel unable to fix them, couple’s therapy can be considered as an option.
Sometimes, having an external perspective from a professional can help us gain awareness of the problematic patterns we feel trapped in and the situations that are perpetuating them.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but indicates a willingness to invest our efforts in the relationship.
In addition, a therapist can help identify underlying mental health problems that might be contributing to unhealthy behaviors and set a plan to treat them.
When to leave an unhealthy relationship
If we tried our best to change the relationship, but our partner does not seem as committed as us, it might be time to walk away from them.
Ending the relationship should not be considered an egoistic act but the first step towards prioritizing our well-being (Anderson and Saunders, 2003).
It will also allow us to invest more energy in nurturing healthier bonds with other people.
Fear is normal here. Before making the decision, we might feel some common fears. One is “I won’t find someone that will love me as much as him/her.” Another is “We have been together for a long time to end it now.”
We also might worry about the emotional effort it will take to start again and be on our own.
However, staying in an unhealthy relationship will also be emotionally demanding, and leaving it at a later stage might take more effort.
To decide whether it is time to leave the relationship, we can consider some signs which may indicate it is time to leave:
- We do not feel ourselves with our partner, having to constantly change our behaviors or pretending not to feel in a certain way to please them
- We do not consider our partner to be part of our support system, and we feel uncomfortable sharing thoughts or happenings in our life with them
- Our partner is only present during the “high points” of our life, while they have difficulty showing support in times of adversity
- We struggle to keep up with their expectations, being frequently told how we should do things differently, and moments of appreciation are very rare
- We don’t trust the relationship to work in the long term, and the same unhealthy patterns tend to be repeated over time
- We perceive the relationship as bringing out our worst and as an obstacle to our personal growth
Frequently Asked Questions
What causes a relationship to be unhealthy?
Unhealthy patterns can emerge in response to fears that we developed from previous life experiences and are now difficult to discard (Simpson and Rholes, 2017).
These might include fear of abandonment, the belief of being unworthy of love, and the tendency to feel embarrassed when sharing our vulnerabilities with others or asking for help.
Being exposed to unhealthy relationships as we grow up might also cause us to unconsciously internalize them as a model, tending to replicate the same pattern in future relationships.
Can unhealthy relationships become healthy?
Fixing an unhealthy relationship is not easy, but it can become possible if both partners are willing to make a real effort to change it.
In order for the changes to be effective, it is necessary to show consistent commitment in the longer term and be aware of how to avoid old patterns to re-occur.
If the relationship has reached a level of significant toxicity, however, it might be more difficult to re-establish a connection with the partner, and holding onto it can cause additional harm.
Is an unhealthy relationship the same as an abusive relationship?
An unhealthy relationship does not always equal an abusive relationship. In an abusive relationship, a partner is more actively showing disrespect and emotional neglect towards the other, and they may treat their thoughts and feelings with contempt (Goldner, 2004).
When disagreements occur in abusive relationships, responses can be more violent and include exaggerated emotional reactions such as anger or indignation.
Controlling behaviors can also be more amplified and result in excessive isolation of the partner from other people and reduced power in making decisions.
Are unhealthy relationships always toxic?
Even though “unhealthy” and “toxic” are often used interchangeably, they mean different things. A relationship is considered to be toxic when it causes emotional and sometimes physical harm to one person (Lee, 2018).
By contrast, unhealthy relationships do not necessarily result in toxic consequences for the couple, and there is more room for improvement of dysfunctional dynamics.
In a toxic relationship, unhealthy habits are amplified and impact our psychological well-being to the extent that there is almost no point of return.
What can I do if I am the one that is making the relationship toxic?
If we struggle to identify or define dysfunctional dynamics in the relationship, it is possible that we are the person originating them.
The first step to acknowledging toxic behaviors is taking some time to reflect on them and recognize our responsibility. Seeking support from a therapist can aid this process, ensuring that we are putting in place the right strategies in the desired direction.
Practicing techniques that help release stress, such as exercise, meditation, or breathing exercises, can also help develop a deeper connection with our emotions so they ultimately do not override us.
Most importantly, we should avoid blaming ourselves and believe that there can be an opportunity for us to change.
Critical Evaluation
This page’s six warning signs are a useful starting point, but the research behind them is more contested, and more revealing, than a checklist suggests.
How Well-Defined Is “Unhealthy”?
The six signs above read as a settled checklist, but the research behind “healthy” and “unhealthy” relationships is much less tidy.
A 2025 scoping review, a study that maps the breadth of existing research rather than pooling results into one estimate, looked at the healthy-relationships literature (Cavaletto et al., 2025). It screened 964 documents down to 69 that met its criteria. The findings are striking.
Only 17 of those 69 documents offered an explicit definition of a healthy relationship at all; most simply listed components instead. The review counted 223 different components across the literature, sorted into 12 broad categories, and found 47 different measurement tools in use. Definitions varied wildly.
That spread is a useful reminder: this page’s own six-signs structure is one reasonable way to organise the same territory, not the only possible one.
Contemporary Research
The strongest recent evidence looks specifically at psychological, rather than physical, mistreatment. A systematic review pooled results from 194 studies on psychological violence within intimate relationships, drawn from four major research databases (Dokkedahl et al., 2022). The pattern was clear.
Psychological violence was strongly linked to PTSD, depression, and anxiety alike. Coercive control, closely matching this page’s Overly-Controlling pattern, was most strongly tied to PTSD. Emotional and verbal mistreatment, matching Negative Communication and Lack of Support, was most strongly tied to depression. The two were not interchangeable.
That distinction matters for prevention.
The underlying research skewed heavily toward female victims and male perpetrators. Even so, the same review found that psychological violence affects men’s mental health too. The authors rated their own certainty as low, a limitation worth taking seriously rather than glossing over.
Cultural Considerations
The reasons run deep.
The six signs above were developed almost entirely within Western, individualist research traditions. That matters, because what counts as a healthy amount of closeness or family involvement is not culturally universal. Culture shapes the baseline.
Individualist cultures tend to organise relationships around personal autonomy and boundary-setting, the same values behind this page’s advice to communicate assertively and prioritise one’s own needs (Kağıtçıbaşı, 1997). More collectivist cultures often organise relationships around interdependence and family obligation instead. Close monitoring or strong family involvement may read differently there.
This does not excuse genuine harm. Manipulation, isolation, and abuse are not endorsed by any culture, and physical or emotional abuse is never a matter of interpretation.
A large review also cautions against treating individualism and collectivism as a simple either-or (Oyserman et al., 2002). Much of the underlying research was itself conducted on narrow, Western samples.
References
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Bolt, O. C., Jones, F. W., Rudaz, M., Ledermann, T., & Irons, C. (2019). Self-compassion and compassion towards one’s partner mediate the negative association between insecure attachment and relationship quality. Journal of Relationships Research, 10, e20.
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