Am I Being Emotionally Abused? Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior where someone uses manipulation, criticism, control, or humiliation to undermine another person’s self-worth and independence.

Unlike physical abuse, it leaves no visible scars. However, it can deeply affect mental health, often leading to anxiety, depression, and trauma.

Emotional abuse can happen anywhere: in romantic relationships, with friends, family members, at school, or in the workplace.

Recognizing the signs—such as constant criticism, gaslighting, or isolation—is the first step toward healing and protecting yourself.

What to Do Now if You Suspect Emotional Abuse

If you’re beginning to wonder whether you’re being emotionally abused, it’s important to trust your instincts. Abuse can be confusing and subtle, especially when it doesn’t leave physical marks, but the way it makes you feel matters.

Here are some first steps you can take:

• Talk to someone you trust – A close friend, family member, or counselor can give you an outside perspective and remind you that you’re not imagining things.
• Keep a record – Writing down incidents can help you recognize patterns and validate your experiences if you start doubting yourself.
• Set small boundaries – Try limiting how much time or energy you give to the person’s demands. This can help you gauge their reaction and protect your wellbeing.
• Reach out for professional support – Therapists, domestic abuse hotlines, and support groups can provide guidance tailored to your situation.
• Prioritize your safety – If you ever feel unsafe, consider making an exit plan and contacting a trusted person or support service for help.

Remember: questioning whether a relationship is healthy is not an overreaction. Even if you’re unsure, seeking support is always a safe and reasonable step.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

One of the challenges of identifying emotional abuse is that it can be subtle and covert, making it difficult to recognize.

Emotional abuse usually shows up as a pattern of behaviors rather than a single incident. Below are some of the most common signs, with real-life examples of what they may look like in practice.

Disclaimer:
Emotional abuse can look different for everyone, and these signs are not a complete list. Sometimes a one-off hurtful comment or action may be unintentional and not part of an abusive pattern. What often distinguishes emotional abuse is the ongoing, repeated nature of these behaviors and the way they make you feel over time.

Feeling Invalidated

When you share your thoughts or needs, the emotional abuser dismisses, mocks, or turns against you.

Example: You say, “That really hurt my feelings,” and they respond, “You’re too sensitive, stop being dramatic.”

Unrealistic Expectations

They set impossible standards and criticize you for not meeting them.

Example: You clean the house, but they complain you didn’t do it “the right way” and accuse you of being lazy.

Constant Put-Downs

They belittle you, mock your interests, or humiliate you in front of others.

Example: At dinner with friends, they make fun of your career goals, then dismiss your hurt feelings with, “Relax, I was only joking.”

Manipulation and Guilt-Tripping

They make you feel guilty or responsible for things you haven’t done, pressuring you to give in.

Example: They get upset when you see a friend and accuse you of “not caring about the relationship.”

Control and Isolation

They monitor your whereabouts, demand explanations, and criticize your loved ones until you stop seeing them.

Example: They call you repeatedly while you’re out, claiming they’re “just worried,” but their real aim is to check up on you.

Gaslighting

They distort reality to make you doubt yourself.

Examples:

• Insisting, “That never happened,” when you know it did.
• Saying you “never remember right” or that you’re “unstable.”
• Shifting blame: “If you didn’t act this way, I wouldn’t have to.”

Other Toxic Behaviors

Emotional abuse often includes additional harmful behaviors, such as:

• Silent treatment that lasts days.
• Sarcasm or backhanded “jokes” at your expense.
• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness.
• Ignoring your needs and boundaries.

Example: After an argument, they refuse to speak to you for days, then act as if nothing happened, leaving you anxious and off balance.

‘I was looking for answers [on the internet] because I wanted to see how others feel when their partners treat them this way. I searched, ‘Why is my boyfriend so mean all the time?’… that’s when lots came up about abuse.’

‘I didn’t ever before that point think I was in an abusive relationship, and I always associated abusive relationships with violence… The more I read about it, the more I came to understand I was being abused.’

‘Georgia,’ 32

Early Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse

These behaviors may not seem abusive at first, but they can be red flags that a relationship is moving in an unhealthy direction:

• Passive-aggressiveness – sarcasm, silent treatment, or backhanded compliments.
  Example: A partner sulks or “forgets” to do something they promised as a way of punishing you.
• Toxic competitiveness – treating your achievements as a threat or needing to one-up you.
  Example: You share a work success, and they immediately bring up their own accomplishment to overshadow yours.
• Distrust and jealousy – suspicion without evidence, or repeated accusations.
  Example: They accuse you of flirting with strangers when you were just chatting with a friend.
• Boundary violations – ignoring or dismissing your limits.
  Example: You say you need space, but they bombard you with texts until you respond.
• Unpredictable moods – mood swings that leave you feeling unsettled.
  Example: They’re affectionate one moment and cold the next, so you never know what to expect.

Mental Health Impact of Emotional Abuse

Loss of self-identity

Over time, the victim in emotionally abusive relationships may not know what is real or who they are anymore.

If the emotionally abusive person is isolating you from loved ones or from previously loved hobbies, you may lose your sense of individuality, instead becoming an extension of the abuser.

‘I became less of myself. My light had dimmed because it seemed every little thing I did annoyed him. I was confused and I felt worthless. Like I was nothing.’

‘Georgia,’ 32

Low self-esteem

If the abuser is constantly chipping away at your confidence and worth, over time, this can damage your self-esteem.

Eventually, you may start to agree with the abuser when they are calling you names, criticizing you, or blaming you for everything.

You may become internally critical of yourself, and this is a reason why some people feel stuck in abusive relationships if they believe they will never be good enough for anyone else.

Difficulty in future relationships

If you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and then get into another relationship, you may carry over a lot of damage that the abuser inflicted on you.

You may be distrustful of future partners and be suspicious if they are not emotionally abusive towards you, thinking that everything they say has a hidden, vicious meaning.

Unfortunately, many people who have been in abusive relationships may also find themselves in relationships with new people who are also abusive.

The victim may not believe they are worth more and will therefore keep having relationships with abusive people.

Mental health problems

If you are isolated from loved ones and feeling constantly put down by the abuser, this can severely affect your mood, and you may be at risk of developing depression or anxiety disorders.

Many people who experience emotional abuse may also develop complex trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the abuse they experienced.

Even when they have left the situation, they may suffer the consequences of the abuser’s actions and become triggered by thinking about their experiences.

People who have experienced emotional abuse may get to a point where they feel so trapped that they have ideas of suicide or self-harm as a way to escape.

Why People Abuse

Emotional abuse doesn’t always come from cruelty alone. Often, it develops from a mix of personal history, psychological issues, and distorted relationship patterns:

• Learned behavior from childhood – Many abusers witnessed or experienced emotional abuse growing up. When unhealthy dynamics are modeled by parents or caregivers, they can become internalized as “normal” ways to express anger or resolve conflict. This cycle of abuse may continue into adulthood unless it’s addressed.
• Mental health disorders – Certain conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, can make individuals more likely to seek power and control over others. They may gain satisfaction from undermining or humiliating someone else.
• Anger issues or unresolved trauma – Some people lash out because they don’t know how to manage their emotions in healthy ways. Past trauma can leave them quick to anger, and instead of processing it, they displace it onto partners, children, or coworkers.
• Deep insecurity – Abusers may feel powerless in other areas of life, so they assert dominance in relationships to regain a sense of control. Insecurity may also drive jealousy, constant criticism, or playing the “victim” to keep others close.
• Lack of understanding boundaries – In some cases, abusers don’t recognize their partner or child as a separate individual with their own needs. They may see them as an extension of themselves, justifying control and intrusion.

While there may be valid reasons to explain abusive behaviors, these do not excuse the behavior. It is each person’s responsibility to work on their own healing and personal growth so that they do not fall into abusive patterns.

Why Victims Stay in Abusive Relationships

From the outside, it can seem baffling why someone wouldn’t leave an emotionally abusive relationship. But the reality is complicated. Abuse erodes self-worth, creates dependency, and traps victims in cycles of hope and fear:

• Damaged self-worth – Continuous criticism, blame, and humiliation gradually convince victims that they are worthless or unlovable. Many begin to internalize the abuser’s voice, thinking, “No one else would want me.”
• Hope for change (“breadcrumbing”) – Abusers often mix cruelty with occasional warmth: small compliments, apologies, or promises to change. These “breadcrumbs” keep victims emotionally invested, hoping that the “good side” of their partner will return.
• Fear of leaving – Victims may worry about their safety, finances, or children if they walk away. Some fear retaliation if they attempt to leave, while others feel too worn down emotionally to imagine starting over.
• Emotional threshold rises – Over time, victims adapt to higher levels of mistreatment. If an abuser shifts from daily yelling to occasional insults, the victim may even see that as an “improvement,” normalizing behavior that is still harmful.
• “At least it’s not physical abuse” – Many minimize their suffering by comparing it to physical violence. They may tell themselves that enduring insults, gaslighting, or silent treatment is manageable because “it could be worse.”

Dealing with emotional abuse

Below are some ways in which you can deal with emotional abuse if you think you may be experiencing this. Please note this is for informational purposes only and should not be taken as professional advice.

Have a strong support network

While it may be difficult to open up to people about what you are experiencing, having loved ones you can share your feelings with can help with gaining an outsider’s perspective if you are not sure if what you are experiencing is emotional abuse.

Loved ones can also help by offering advice and providing a clearer perspective if you feel that you are being gaslighted.

Don’t blame yourself

While you may be made to think that you deserve the abuse from the person who is abusing you, you never deserve abuse, no matter what you have said or done.

Remember that if someone is being emotionally abusive, then this is an issue with them and has nothing to do with you.

Try not to engage

If someone is emotionally abusive towards you, try not to give them any attention or show that they have affected you.

Do not soothe their feelings or apologize for something you didn’t do. Instead, walk away from the situation if you feel safe to do so, or limit or stop communication with them.

Take care of your own needs

If you are in a situation where you cannot leave the emotional abuse, then ensure you find time to put yourself first and have some space from the abuser.

Engaging in self-care activities and relaxation exercises can help care for your emotional needs.

Taking care of your own needs can also help you move forward to a place where you can set boundaries and seek support.

Realize you can’t fix them

Some people, especially narcissists, may never accept any responsibility for their wrongdoings and will blame you no matter what.

If this is the case, you may have to realize that the abuser is likely never going to change, and it is not your responsibility to put up with their behavior or change them. If you go into a relationship with the intention of ‘fixing’ the other person, you may feel disappointed or trapped in their manipulations.

Set boundaries

If you feel safe to do so, you can set clear boundaries with the emotionally abusive person. Make sure to use clear and concise language and even bring a trusted friend with you when you set these boundaries.

You can explain to them using ‘I’ statements that you feel upset, and you expect them to stop their behavior; otherwise, you are not going to tolerate it anymore.

If the abuser does not accept the boundaries, deflects, or gets angry, this may be a sign that they will not change, and you should consider safely cutting contact with them.

Do not communicate boundaries if you have no intention of following through with them.

Have an exit plan

If the abuser has shown no intention of changing, even after you have set boundaries, you may have to safely leave the situation, as the emotional abuse will take a mental and physical toll on you over time.

Remember that in some cases, the abuse can escalate when the victim decides to leave, so you should carefully plan out how you can exit the situation. You could have a safety plan in place with a therapist or domestic abuse advocate.

You could also bring a trusted friend along with you when you end the relationship. Once you are out of the relationship, you should consider cutting off all contact with the abuser, changing your phone number, and not letting them know where you live.

Allow time to heal

You may feel emotionally vulnerable after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, so make sure you take as much time as you need to focus on your own needs and boost your confidence back up.

Consider seeking therapeutic support if you need some extra help with dealing with the issues you have been left with after being in an abusive relationship.

If you need to talk to someone…

USA

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

1-800-799-7233

or text “Start” to 88788.

UK

If you want to access support over the phone, you can call:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 – www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ (run by Refuge)

The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect )

The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)

Women’s Aid is a national charity working to end domestic abuse against women and children. We are a federation of over 180 organisations providing just under 300 lifesaving services to women and children across England – 1-800-799-7233

Resources

National Health Service (NHS): Domestic Violence and Abuse

American Psychological Association (APA): How to help in an emotional crisis

References

Hammon, C. (2017, March 22). 13 Reasons Why People Abuse. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/03/13-reasons-why-people-abuse#1

Karakurt, G., & Silver, K. E. (2013). Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age. Violence and victims, 28(5), 804-821.

Stark, S. (2015). Psychology and Behavioral Health. (4th ed.). Salem Press at Greyhouse Publishing.

Tracy, N. (2021, December 30). Emotional Abuse: Definitions, Signs, Symptoms, Examples. Healthy Place. https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples

World Health Organization. (2012). Understanding and Addressing Violence Against Women.