Gaslighting Narcissist

Narcissistic gaslighting refers to a form of gaslighting exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It involves distorting, altering, or denying reality in order to make someone doubt their own perception, memory, or sanity.

People with high levels of narcissism often use gaslighting to control and dominate others.

Gaslighting serves as a tool for them to maintain power over their victims by undermining their confidence, self-esteem, and sense of reality.

Narcissism is a personality trait. It involves a lack of empathy, an excessive need for admiration, and a sense of entitlement and superiority. 

As such, narcissists are driven to gaslight as a way to protect their ego and control others to meet their own needs and desires.

Their goal is to make victims doubt their beliefs and perceptions. Doubt makes them easier to manipulate.

Sadistic pleasure is a rarer motive. Some people with narcissistic and sadistic traits enjoy causing confusion, doubt, and distress. For most narcissists, though, it is not the main driver.

Is gaslighting the same as narcissism?

Gaslighting and narcissism are related concepts, but they are not the same.

Gaslighting is a specific manipulative tactic aimed at control. People high in narcissism are strongly linked to it, but they are not the only people who use it.

Narcissism is broader: a personality trait or personality disorder. It is characterized by self-centeredness, lack of empathy, excessive need for validation, and antagonism. Krizan and Herlache (2018) see it as a spectrum.

The need to gaslight is born out of these characteristics as a way to preserve a narcissist’s inflated and grandiose ego.

Gaslighting and narcissism overlap, but three points keep them apart:

• Not every narcissist gaslights: Gaslighting is one of many manipulative behaviors narcissists may use to pursue control, validation, and dominance.
• Not every gaslighter is a narcissist: People with other traits or disorders, such as antisocial or borderline traits, may also gaslight.
• Not always intentional: Gaslighting can happen unintentionally, or from a wish to be right rather than a wish to control.

Treating gaslighting as purely a narcissist’s tactic carries a risk. A target may dismiss their own experience because their partner does not fit the stereotype of a narcissist.

Why Narcissists Gaslight

People high in narcissism gaslight for several overlapping reasons:

• Avoiding accountability: Making you doubt your memory lets them deflect responsibility for what they did.
• Control: If you distrust your own judgment, they can shape your behavior and narrow your options.
• Protecting the ego: It shields an inflated but fragile self-image from criticism.
• Exploitation: Some use it to gain money, resources, or dependency, reflecting a sense of entitlement to use others.
• Narcissistic supply: It can secure narcissistic supply, the attention and admiration they crave, or punish a target who withdraws it.

Accounts from romantic gaslighting more broadly show the first two motives at work. In a qualitative study by Klein, Li, and Wood (2023), one participant’s partner had an affair and answered her doubts by insisting she was “paranoid, crazy, and anxious.”

Another participant was blamed for anything her partner did wrong. A third described a partner who spent months insisting she was “not smart enough” for the medical school she hoped to attend.

Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse

Relationships with narcissistic individuals often follow similar patterns.

Each relationship is unique. Still, common dynamics and stages tend to emerge.

One common pattern is often referred to as the “Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse” or the “Idealize, Devalue, Discard” cycle.

In the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist “love bombs” you, showering you with attention, affection, and praise.

This is the idealization phase as the narcissist portrays themselves as the perfect partner, making you feel special and valued.

Research on romantic gaslighting echoes this pattern. Klein, Li, and Wood (2023) surveyed 65 adults who said they had experienced gaslighting in a romantic relationship and asked them to describe it.

Participants described a love-bombing phase of intense affection, generous gifts, and grand plans. Insulting comments that questioned their grip on reality were often woven into even the most affectionate periods.

The Devaluation and Discard Phases

As the relationship progresses and the narcissist has gained your trust, their behavior starts to change and their true nature starts to show. This marks the beginning of the devaluation phase.

During this phase, they may become critical, dismissive, and emotionally abusive.

Gaslighting often begins here. The narcissist uses it, along with other manipulative tactics, to belittle you and undermine your self-esteem.

You may notice that their behaviors are unusual, hurtful and confusing, but you might feel unsure whether they are considered gaslighting.

The behavior can be subtle. Pay close attention to their words, their actions, and how they make you feel.

Eventually, the narcissist may grow bored or dissatisfied. They may also have found a new source of validation.

During the discard phase, the narcissist will abruptly “discard” you, often without explanation or closure.

After they discard you, the narcissist might attempt to come back into your life. This phase is called “hoovering.” The name plays on the Hoover vacuum cleaner, evoking the way it sucks you back in.

They might use tactics like apologizing, promising change, or rekindling the idealization phase to regain control over you.

The cycle often repeats itself, with the narcissist oscillating between idealization and devaluation, keeping you emotionally off balance and dependent on them.

The Gaslight Effect

The Gaslight Effect is a term used to describe the impact that gaslighting has on one’s mental and emotional well-being.

Psychoanalyst Robin Stern, in her book The Gaslight Effect (2007), outlines three phases of the Gaslight Effect.

1. Disbelief: In this initial stage, you may experience confusion and doubt and find it difficult to believe that someone you care about would intentionally manipulate you. You may question your own judgment and memory, or think “I must have misunderstood” and brush it off as a one-time occurrence.
2. Defense: As the gaslighting continues, you enter the defense state. You might start to offer explanations, seek evidence, or even confront the gaslighter about their behavior in an attempt to make sense of the situation and protect your own sanity.
3. Depression: If the gaslighting persists, you can enter a phase of depression. The constant manipulation, questioning, and self-doubt can lead to feelings of helplessness, isolation, and emotional exhaustion. You might feel disconnected from reality and lose confidence in your perceptions and feelings.

Sustained gaslighting can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems. Some people turn to substance use or experience suicidal behavior as a result.

People with a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem, or depression are more vulnerable. The harm can outlast the relationship.

Common Signs of Narcissistic Gaslighting

• Denying events or statements that you know to be true.
• Dismissing your feelings, concerns, or opinions.
• Distorting facts or altering details of events or conversations.
• Shifting responsibility for their actions onto you, even when evidence suggests otherwise.
• Contradicting themselves or describing past events in a way that differs from your memory.
• Deliberately withholding information.
• Projecting their own negative traits, behaviors, or feelings onto you.
• Questioning your perceptions, making you feel like you’re the one who’s mistaken or confused.
• Isolating you and undermining your relationships with others.
• Citing your past mistakes to question your credibility.
• Eroding your self-confidence by consistently challenging your decisions or abilities.
• Using intimidation or anger to make you doubt your own judgment.

Signs You Are Being Gaslit

• You find yourself constantly confused, doubting your memory, and feeling unsure about what’s real or true.
• Your self-esteem and self-confidence are eroded.
• You feel nervous and anxious about how the other person will respond to you.
• You find yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault or taking responsibility for the gaslighter’s actions.
• Your emotions are often in turmoil, swinging between feeling elated when they’re being nice and feeling devastated when they’re being critical.
• You avoid bringing up concerns or confronting the gaslighter because you’re afraid of their reaction.
• You doubt the validity of your own emotions.

Phrases that narcissistic gaslighters use

Narcissistic gaslighters often use manipulative phrases and tactics to undermine their victims’ perceptions and reality.

Here are some examples of phrases commonly used by narcissistic gaslighters:

“You’re too sensitive/overreacting.”

This phrase dismisses your emotions and feelings, making you question the validity of your reactions.

“You’re lucky to have me.”

This reinforces their superiority and makes you feel dependent on their approval.

“I never said/did that.”

Gaslighters will deny previous statements, conversations, or actions, making you doubt your memory and perception of reality.

A woman identified as Georgia, 32, described what this denial feels like: “He would tell me ‘I never did or said that.’ In the end, I just did not know what was happening.”

“You’re the one who’s always causing problems.”

They will place blame on you for conflicts, making you feel responsible for their actions. If the abuser has done something wrong, they often try to turn the tables and make you take responsibility.

“You’re emotionally unstable/ clingy/dramatic”

This is an attempt to put into question your stability and sanity. They are belittling your emotions and reactions, making you doubt your worth and feel unstable.

“You’re remembering it wrong.”

Gaslighters might deny events or conversations that you clearly remember, causing you to question your memory.

“You’re just trying to start a fight.”

This shifts the focus onto you and portrays you as the instigator, deflecting from their behavior.

How Gaslighters React When Challenged

A single confrontation with a gaslighter often plays out as a sequence psychologist Jennifer Freyd calls DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

The person denies it happened. They attack the credibility of whoever confronts them. Then they cast themselves as the victim.

Harsey, Zurbriggen, and Freyd (2017) tested this pattern in 138 undergraduates who recalled confronting someone over a wrong-doing. The more DARVO confronters met, the more self-blame they felt.

Family therapist Esther Perel describes a related reversal on her podcast Where Should We Begin? She argues that being accused of being “the gaslighter” is itself a gaslighting move. It is not evidence that the accusation is true.

She calls it a form of projective identification. A person accuses their partner of doing exactly what they are doing themselves.

Perel adds that excusing and justifying the partner’s behavior after each incident can itself be “part of the gaslit cycle.” The target ends up managing the gaslighter’s feelings about their own bad behavior.

Are narcissists aware that they gaslight?

Some narcissists are consciously aware that they are using gaslighting tactics to manipulate and control others. Others act more instinctively, or subconsciously.

Awareness varies from person to person. Most narcissists, though, are motivated to protect their ego, their beliefs, and their position of power.

Narcissists often lack empathy and have difficulty understanding how their behavior impacts others.

While they might not be explicitly aware of gaslighting, they understand that their behavior is getting the reaction they want, reinforcing their sense of control and superiority.

Conscious vs. Subconscious Behavior

For some narcissists, gaslighting might be a learned behavior that they engage in without fully recognizing it.

Caregivers may have normalized it. Sarkis (2017) says some learn it from their parents. As a result, they might not be aware of the harm they cause.

Some narcissists might rationalize their gaslighting behavior as a way to protect their own ego or maintain a false self-image.

They might believe that the victim’s perceptions need correction in order to align with their view of themselves.

Psychoanalysts made a similar point. Calef and Weinshel (1981) defined gaslighting as an attempt to make another person doubt their own judgment. They added that the motivation “may be conscious, although it is usually unconscious.”

Awareness can also fall along a spectrum. Some narcissists might gaslight consciously at times and subconsciously at others.

Awareness matters less than impact. Gass and Nichols (1988) studied gaslighting within adulterous marriages. They argued that what counts as gaslighting depends more on the target’s experience than on the gaslighter’s intent. Either way, the effects on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being can be profound and damaging.

How to Cope With Narcissistic Gaslighting

Trying to prove a gaslighter wrong rarely works. It gives them more material to deflect, minimize, or deny.

A better aim is to protect your own sense of reality. Affirm your experiences as real and valid rather than waiting for outside permission to trust them.

Keep a Record of What Happens

Gaslighting works by making you doubt your memory. The strongest countermeasure is to store that memory outside your head.

Pay attention to what they do rather than what they say, since the two often diverge. Notice, too, when a conversation stops being a two-way discussion and becomes a session where you do all the apologizing.

Four habits help:

• Written records: Right after an incident, note the date, time, what was said, and how it felt. This builds a timeline that resists redefinition.
• Proof: Save texts, emails, or (where legal) recordings that contradict the gaslighter’s account.
• Outside validation: Tell a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. A second person who heard about an incident at the time weakens a denial.
• Facts, not feelings: Neutral statements (“the calendar shows we agreed to meet Tuesday”) are harder to twist than charged ones (“you always change our plans”).

Why Confronting a Narcissist Rarely Works

Deciding whether to confront or expose a gaslighter is a personal choice. Weigh the benefits, such as validation and closure, against the risks of more manipulation or retaliation.

With a narcissistic gaslighter, the risk is higher. Confronting them can be read as a threat to their control and their supply of admiration.

It is more likely to provoke escalation than a genuine apology. It is rare for a gaslighter to acknowledge wrongdoing.

Therapist Alyssa Mancao advises that “the best way to outsmart a gaslighter is to disengage.” She argues that a gaslighter faced with a mountain of evidence will still deflect, minimize, or deny it.

Walking away with your own perception intact is often worth more than winning the argument.

Disengaging has no guaranteed outcome, though. Withholding the reaction they want can reduce the behavior, but sometimes it makes them try harder to get one.

If you do respond, keep it calm and brief. A set phrase such as “I remember things differently, and that’s valid for me” keeps the focus on your own reality.

Clear boundaries help too. State which behavior you will no longer tolerate, then follow through.

Getting Support and Knowing When to Leave

Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist offers validation and an outside perspective. Gaslighting thrives in isolation, so an outside voice matters. Support also counters the isolation it tends to produce.

Whether a relationship can heal depends on the gaslighter’s willingness to change. Healing is possible if they acknowledge their tactics, listen to your perspective, and show genuine remorse. It is unlikely if they are not committed to changing.

Couples therapy can help, but only if the gaslighting partner is genuinely willing to engage.

If the gaslighting escalates into emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, safety becomes the priority. Leaving is generally advised.

Klein, Li, and Wood (2023) found that people who recovered from gaslighting often stressed separating from the perpetrator. They also prioritized healthier relationships.

References

Calef, V., & Weinshel, E. M. (1981). Some clinical consequences of introjection: Gaslighting. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 50(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/21674086.1981.11926942

Gass, G. Z., & Nichols, W. C. (1988). Gaslighting: A marital syndrome. Contemporary Family Therapy, 10(1), 3–16. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF00922429

Harsey, S. J., Zurbriggen, E. L., & Freyd, J. J. (2017). Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26(6), 644–663. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777

Klein, W., Li, S., & Wood, S. (2023). A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 30(4), 1316–1340. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12510

Krizan, Z., & Herlache, A. D. (2018). The narcissism spectrum model: A synthetic view of narcissistic personality. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(1), 3–31. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868316685018

Perel, E. (n.d.). Am I being gaslit? | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSuCS-5MSH0

Sarkis, S. (2017). Are gaslighters aware of what they do? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/are-gaslighters-aware-what-they-do

Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life. New York: Harmony Books.