Empathic Narcissist

An empathic narcissist is a person who exhibits narcissistic traits but also demonstrates a form of empathy, primarily cognitive.

While they can understand others’ emotions and motivations, they may not genuinely feel for them.

This cognitive empathy is often used for manipulation and control. Not for genuine connection.

When you first meet an empathic narcissist, it will not be obvious they are narcissistic unless you know the warning signs, some of which can be subtle.

They can seem very caring and supportive, especially at first, but their seeming empathy is a strategy to manipulate and control people.

The more grandiose type of narcissist is different. Their signs are usually clearer.

They are overtly attention-seeking, extroverted, arrogant, and do not care about other people unless they want something.

That’s why the classic warning signs are less visible with an empathic narcissist.

To spot an empathic narcissist, look out for some of the signs described below.

These signs are not diagnostic on their own. Having just one or two does not mean someone is an empathic narcissist.

1. Apparent Insightfulness

Empathic narcissists will give you the feeling they understand you deeply and know exactly what you want and need.

But this apparent insightfulness is a result of mirroring and cognitive empathy rather than genuine care.

Narcissists are very good at mirroring; they mimic your body language and speech and emulate your interests, attitudes, and behaviors.

This makes you feel validated and connected to them.

Their ability to read your mental states (cognitive empathy) makes you feel special and heard, and comfortable letting your guard down.

It’s easier to manipulate people when they trust and rely on you. Empathic narcissists use this to their advantage.

You might even share your inner world, secrets, and fears with them, which they may later use against you.

2. Underhanded Superiority

All types of narcissists believe in their superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement.

Initially and on the surface, empathic narcissists may seem caring, reserved, and humble. That’s the façade they want to present to the world.

But if you pay close attention, you may notice their façade slipping from time to time and catch glimpses of their true colors even early in the relationship.

For example, they might make sweeping statements about people like “everyone who didn’t go to university is dumb”.

Or they underhandedly put people down and gossip “I feel so sorry for Karen when everyone calls her ugly”.

3. Hypersensitivity to Criticism

Narcissists rely on external validation, attention, and admiration to maintain their self-esteem.

That means they have a fragile ego, which is much more apparent in the vulnerable type than in the grandiose type.

Because of this fragility, they are hypersensitive to criticism and experience shame and anger when they perceive any negative feedback.

They may withdraw or become outwardly angry at the “perpetrator”.

For example, if they ask whether you like their outfit and you give your honest opinion, they might sulk, become very upset, or lash out at you.

Thus, if you notice hypersensitivity to perceived criticism and negative feedback, and their reaction is disproportionate, it could be a sign of empathic narcissism and narcissism in general.

But hypersensitivity alone does not indicate narcissism. It could also just be a sign of low self-esteem.

4. Victim Mentality

Empathic narcissists feel like the victim in every situation. Nothing is ever their fault, and they never take responsibility.

If they fail an exam, the exam was unfair. If they get negative feedback at work, their manager is incompetent. If they trip over a stone, the stone was in the way. It’s always someone else’s fault.

Because they believe they are superior and perfect, they cannot accept blame, as this would challenge their sense of reality and self.

So, they blame others, turn the tables, and can never be held accountable for their actions.

5. Covert Manipulation

Empathic narcissists use empathy to manipulate people and exert control over them. Narcissists need control to get their narcissistic supply.

Thus, although they may appear to be doing things in your best interest, in reality, they are being nice and supportive for self-serving purposes. They want you to admire and depend on them and provide the validation they desperately need.

How They Regain Control

If they feel they are losing control over you, for example if you want to leave or don’t reply right away, they will try to regain it.

They might give you the silent treatment. Or they might play the victim, or emotionally blackmail you, to pull you back under their control.

Another common manipulation tactic narcissists use to control people is gaslighting. It means making someone doubt their own memory or perception.

So, if you notice gaslighting behavior and often feel confused or self-doubting after an interaction with them, you may be dealing with an empathic narcissist.

How to Deal With an Empathic Narcissist

How you deal with an empathic narcissist depends on the type of relationship you have with them.

Overall, it is advisable to proceed with caution. This applies to any type of narcissist in your life.

Empathic narcissists can seem loving and kind at times, but they engage in many behaviors that are detrimental to the relationship and the person they are in a relationship with.

The fact that they can seem so supportive and insightful makes the manipulative and callous behaviors especially confusing.

Like with other narcissists, you may not see their true colors at first or during the “love bombing” phase.

Love bombing means intense early attention and flattery. It is designed to build trust and dependency fast, before more controlling behavior sets in.

Eventually, however, they will become more and more emotionally unstable, aggressive, manipulative, and derogatory.

Many people experience a relationship with empathic narcissists like “walking on eggshells”.

Having a relationship with them can be difficult. It’s emotionally exhausting and confusing.

If you sense that your well-being is being negatively affected by having them in your life, it may be best to end the relationship or distance yourself from them.

Here is some general advice for dealing with an empathic narcissist:

Mindful Communication

As mentioned above, narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism and do not accept blame, so be mindful of this when you are communicating with them.

Do not expect them to take responsibility or apologize for poor behavior.

If you point out any wrongdoing or flaws, expect a bad reaction. They might stonewall or insult you. They might also threaten you or play the victim.

Also, be mindful of their manipulation tactics.

They will try to gaslight and control you so avoid getting caught up in that dynamic and stand firm in what you know and believe. Always try to remain calm and unemotional.

As licensed therapist Esther Perel explains, patterns like this often trace back to “a narcissism that puts them at the forefront.” It comes paired with a sense of entitlement the person acts on repeatedly.

She cautions against reducing someone to a single behavior. The real question, she suggests, is whether you can trust what you’re sensing about the relationship.

 

Choose Your Battles

Arguing with a narcissistic person can be exhausting, since their tactics and antagonism wear you down over time. Choose your battles.

In some cases, it might be better to let it go and get on with your day instead of engaging in what will inevitably lead to conflict.

Remember, most narcissists never tire of arguing.

They thrive on it because they see it as a challenge to emerge as the “winner” and love being at the center of your attention.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists break people’s boundaries down as this makes them easier to control and manipulate.

Therefore, when you are dealing with a narcissistic person, it’s vital to establish and maintain firm boundaries.

That means, placing limits on the kind of behavior and language you will tolerate. If a boundary has been crossed, it’s important that you take action (e.g., end the conversation or walk away) and stay consistent.

Focus on Self-Care

Dealing with narcissists can take a toll on your well-being, regardless of whether that’s at work or in your private relationships. Therefore, it’s important to make sure you are prioritizing yourself.

Do things that bring you joy and peace and seek professional help if you feel that’s appropriate for you.

Stay connected with friends and family and focus on spending time with people who are good for you and genuinely have your best interests at heart.

Remember, it’s not your job to heal or “save” them.

If they are suffering, they should get professional help. Your only responsibility is to yourself and keeping yourself healthy and mentally well.

Cognitive vs. Affective Empathy

An empathic narcissist is a person with high levels of narcissism who also understands other people’s emotions, in other words, a narcissist with empathy. Narcissism is associated with low levels of empathy, so how can that be explained?

The Two Types of Empathy

Empathy is not one thing. It has an emotional component and a cognitive component, and a person can have very different levels of each.

The difference matters.

Affective empathy is the ability to feel another person’s emotions, not just recognize them. It comes from emotional contagion, the subconscious transfer of feelings from one person to another. This is what lets you respond appropriately to someone else’s emotional state.

Cognitive empathy is different. It means understanding what someone else is thinking or feeling, without necessarily feeling it yourself, and it draws on theory of mind.

“The ability to explain, predict, and interpret behavior by attributing mental states such as desires, beliefs, intentions and emotions to oneself and to other people.”

Cognitive empathy comes first. It has to be in place before affective empathy can develop. The reverse isn’t true: someone can have cognitive empathy without ever developing affective empathy.

Why Narcissists Keep Cognitive Empathy

Narcissists generally keep their cognitive empathy. Without it, they would not be able to read, manipulate, and exploit other people in the first place. Many narcissists make no attempt to appear as though they feel what others feel.

An empathic narcissist goes a step further. They act as though they also feel what you feel, not because they do, but to manipulate and control you more effectively.

The Research Evidence

The idea that narcissists can read people accurately while feeling little for them is not just a clinical impression. Ritter et al. (2011) tested it directly. They compared people with narcissistic personality disorder to healthy adults and found the same split: intact cognitive empathy, reduced affective empathy.

That distinction matters.

A larger 2020 review pooling 93 studies and over 32,000 participants found the same pattern using behavioral tests. It also found something unexpected. Grandiose narcissists, not the more withdrawn vulnerable type, showed the clearest affective empathy deficit (Urbonaviciute & Hepper, 2020).

Empathic narcissists are often described as closer to vulnerable narcissists, who hide their grandiosity and come across as shy and reserved. The evidence above suggests the pattern may run deeper into grandiosity itself, just expressed more quietly.

References

Perel, E. (n.d.). Once a cheater, always a cheater? [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts0W0IcXg8U

Ritter, K., Dziobek, I., Preißler, S., Rüter, A., Vater, A., Fydrich, T., Lammers, C.-H., Heekeren, H. R., & Roepke, S. (2011). Lack of empathy in patients with narcissistic personality disorder. Psychiatry Research, 187(1–2), 241–247. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2010.09.013

Urbonaviciute, G., & Hepper, E. G. (2020). When is narcissism associated with low empathy? A meta-analytic review. Journal of Research in Personality, 89, 104036. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2020.104036