Are you wondering if your love interest is genuine or a player?
Players are only interested in casual or one-off flings and often date multiple people at the same time.
They hide their true intentions for their own benefit. They manipulate and deceive people into getting what they want without any intention of forming a serious or committed relationship.
Recognizing the signs of a player early on can help you avoid unnecessary heartbreak and stay emotionally safe.
If you get a sense that they’re not serious and only want to play games, then you should listen to that feeling.
You might feel confused, constantly question their intentions, or just get the feeling they’re hiding something and aren’t being honest.
Sometimes getting “butterflies” can be your body warning you of a threat – you might interpret it as excitement, but it could also be underlying fear and anxiety. Be mindful of that feeling and ask yourself honestly where it’s coming from.
Certain red flags in dating could mean the person you’re interested in is a player.
1. His words and actions don’t align
If their communication and behavior are inconsistent and confusing, that’s a potential sign they’re a player.
People who are elusive and inconsistent may not be genuinely interested.
One moment they seem really interested, and the next they seem cold and distant or go totally quiet. You constantly feel confused and don’t know where you stand.
Warning Signs
- Says he wants to see you but never makes concrete plans
- Reads your messages but does not respond for days or weeks
- Only text you when he wants something
- Say one thing (e.g., “I want to see you”) but act in another way (e.g., don’t make plans with you)
- Engage in “breadcrumbing”: giving you just enough attention to keep you interested without making any substantial effort to move the relationship forward
How a committed person would behave
A person who is genuinely interested in you would be mostly consistent in their communication and behavior.
For example, they would respond to your messages in a timely manner, make plans with you, and communicate and explain when they can’t meet up.
Their words and actions line up so if they say they like you and want to make plans, they follow through. You’re not constantly confused about how they feel about you.
2. His Priority Is A Sexual Relationship
If you sense they’re only interested in sex, that’s probably the case. For a player, dating is a game, and having sex with you is how they win.
They’re only a player if they pretend they want a relationship but their actions don’t line up with their words.
If they tell you from the beginning they’re only looking for a casual/one-night thing then that doesn’t make them a player.
Warning Signs
- Want to get physical immediately
- Put a lot of emphasis on physical appearance and don’t seem interested in getting to know you
- Only want to meet at their house (“Netflix and chill” type of thing)
- Most (or all) conversations revolve around sex
- Text or call you in the middle of the night asking what you’re up to
- Are less affectionate or go totally cold after sex
- Never let you stay over
- Ghost you after sex
How a committed person would behave
Though they might show sexual interest (like flirting), they don’t put pressure on you to have sex.
Not every conversation has a sexual element, and they enjoy speaking to you about all sorts of topics.
They take an interest in you as a person and want to spend time with you outside of their bedroom.
If you have had sex, they don’t disappear but want to keep seeing you.
3. Emotional Unavailability and No Sense of Commitment
If you feel like they’re not really interested in you as a person and do the bare minimum to keep the relationship going, they might be a player.
A player is only interested in you for personal gain (like having sex or getting attention) so they make little effort to get to know you.
They don’t really listen and rarely remember things you tell them. When they talk, it’s usually about themselves and they refuse to open up to you emotionally.
Their behavior clearly shows they want to maintain an emotional distance and avoid getting close to you.
Warning Signs
- Don’t make an effort to get to know you
- Don’t remember things you tell him
- Talks mostly about himself
- Maintains emotional distance
How a committed person would behave
A person who is genuinely interested in you would try to get to know you and want you to get to know them as well.
They listen when you speak, ask questions, and show an interest in your life, thoughts, and feelings.
4. Avoids Defining Relationship
If they’re telling you “We don’t need a title, it’s just us” or “Why do we have to define our relationship?”, they might be a player.
Players want to keep you for their personal gain but don’t want to commit because they’re seeing other people and/ or fear commitment.
Warning Signs
- Says things like “let’s just see where it goes”
- Refuses to put a label on your relationship
How a committed person would behave
When a person is truly interested in building something with you, they’ll be open to discussing your relationship status.
They might not want to commit immediately but they’re honest about their intentions.
After a few weeks or months of things going well between you, they should want to label the relationship.
5. He’s flaky and unreliable
If they’re flaky, constantly cancel, always make excuses about how busy they are, and refuse to make plans, they might be a player.
A player doesn’t put you first and always prioritizes their self-interest. So, if a better option comes along, they’ll have no issue canceling on you. They only put effort into seeing you when they want something.
Warning Signs
- Constantly cancels plans last minute
- Always says he’s too busy to meet
- Only makes effort when he wants something
How a committed person would behave
A truly interested person sticks to plans and keeps their promises. If they can’t make it, they let you know respectfully and reschedule immediately.
6. Vague about His life
A player will keep his life and past vague and secretive. They don’t tell you where exactly they’ve been or what they get up to when you’re not there and are very protective over their phone.
They’re often quite closed off about their past and refuse to open up emotionally because they’re not interested in building a connection.
If they do open up, they’ll probably tell you a “poor me” story and always paint themselves as the victim.
Warning Signs
- Vague about his whereabouts and activities
- Secretive about his past
- Very protective over his phone
How a committed person would behave
When someone shares openly with you about their past and current life, they’re probably keen to build an emotional connection with you.
They discuss their work, friendship, social life, hobbies, and past experiences with you openly because they want you to get to know them. And they want to get to know you too.
7. He Disrespects and Crosses Your Boundaries
A player is driven by self-interest so if your boundaries get in the way of that, they will push against them.
For example, if you say you don’t want to get physical, they might try to convince you otherwise.
Or, if you don’t want to go to certain places, drink alcohol, or discuss certain topics, they might not respect that and try to change your mind.
Warning Signs
- Pressures you to do things you’re not comfortable with
- Ignores or tries to change your stated boundaries
How a committed person would behave
A person who cares about you will also care about your boundaries. So, if you say, for example, you don’t want to have sex or go to their house, they will respect that.
They will also have their own boundaries and expect you to accept those.
8. Big Difference in Public vs Private Behavior
One way of telling whether someone’s a player is by paying attention to how they act when you’re alone versus in public.
If they’re very affectionate and loving in private but become distant in public, this is a potential red flag.
It could be that they’re not comfortable being affectionate in public. However, if they’re very flirty with others in front of you and deny your existence, it’s more likely they’re a player and want to seem single.
Warning Signs
- Very affectionate in private but distant in public
- Flirts with others in front of you
- Acts like you don’t exist when you’re out together
How a committed person would behave
Their behavior in public and private is mostly consistent. Even if they don’t like being affectionate in public, you still get the feeling that they only have eyes for you.
9. Your relationship is a secret
A player isn’t interested in building something serious with you, so they won’t introduce you to their friends and family.
They might not want to be seen with you in public in case you run into one of their other flings.
Even after several weeks or months, you feel like they want to keep your relationship a secret.
How a committed person would behave
When someone is interested in you, they’ll tell their friends and family about your relationship. It’s normal not to tell everyone when you’ve only just met but once things are going somewhere, there’s no reason to hide it.
10. His social media is private
If someone refuses to connect with you on social media and doesn’t post pictures of you together, it could mean they’re a player. If they follow a lot of women, this might also be a red flag.
Some people don’t use or post on social media very much, in which case it might not mean anything if they don’t post about you.
However, if they’re generally quite active and refuse to acknowledge you on their account, it could mean they want to seem single to the world.
How a committed person would behave
Someone with genuine intentions has no need to be shady about their social media activity and is happy to make your relationship official publicly.
11, Manipulation and mind games
Manipulation is a common sign of a player because they’re trying to get what they want (sex or attention) as quickly as possible and then vanish.
They might be very charming and affectionate at the beginning and move very quickly (also known as love bombing).
Their mind games might also include gaslighting, blaming, hot-and-cold behavior, and breadcrumbing.
Warning Signs
- Hot and cold behavior – super affectionate then distant
- Gaslighting – makes you question your perceptions
- Breadcrumbing – gives you just enough to keep you interested
How a committed person would behave
When a person is interested in a relationship, they want to be real and honest with you and not play mind games.
Why Do People Play Games in Relationships?
There are many reasons why people play games in relationships, ranging from insecurity and fear of intimacy to lack of empathy and enjoying the thrill of manipulation.
Some do it consciously, while others probably don’t understand the full impact of their actions.
Let’s explore some possible explanations for why people play games in relationships:
1. Fear and Insecurity
Some game players may have low self-esteem, deep-rooted insecurity, and fear of intimacy.
They might fear rejection so by keeping the other person at arm’s length, they can protect themselves from being rejected first.
Others might play games to receive validation and reassurance. They manipulate people and situations to boost their egos.
2. Ludus: Love is a Game
Most (if not all) players practice the game-playing type of love, which the ancient Greeks called ludus.
It’s a playful, game-like approach to love, in which a person avoids deep emotional involvement and commitment.
People high in ludus prefer short-term, casual relationships and often juggle multiple partners at once. They’re more interested in the thrill of pursuit and conquest than in forming lasting emotional connections.
It’s a love style often linked to dark triad traits including manipulation, lack of empathy, and emotional detachment. People high in dark triad traits use charm and superficial attractiveness to lure partners but with no intention for true intimacy or commitment.
For them, it’s about personal gain, control, thrill and excitement, and seeking admiration and validation. As they have low empathy, they don’t feel much remorse or guilt for treating others with little respect.
3. Narcissism
Narcissism is part of the dark triad so it’s no surprise that narcissists tend to be game-players driven by self-interest and a desire to be admired.
Narcissistic love is confusing at best but often has devastating and dangerous consequences for its victims. It’s therefore important to know and understand the signs of narcissistic love.
4. He’s a Pick-Up Artist
Pick-up artists are men who felt socially and romantically inadequate and therefore turned to certain literature to “get” women in mostly toxic and unhealthy ways.
In other words, they were unsuccessful in dating, so they learned how to be players.
A famous example of such literature is a book by Neil Strauss called “The Game”. Strauss documents his transformation from being shy and socially awkward around women to becoming a master of the “game”.
The book describes pickup artistry as a form of social hacking – using techniques based on psychology to manipulate interactions with women.
Though some men who follow this advice might be looking for real love, most of them use these techniques to manipulate women into having sex with them (hence the name “pick-up artists”).
A few techniques include negging (backhanded compliments), peacocking (wearing outlandish clothing or accessories to attract attention in social situations), and opening and closing (using rehearsed lines as openers to close the deal with a woman).
5. Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style may display some of the behaviors associated with being a player.
They can be a bit hot and cold, shy away from sharing personal details about their lives, struggle to express their emotions, and don’t like commitment.
That doesn’t necessarily make them players, it could just show their need for independence and self-protection as a result of their early relationships.
However, a person with an avoidant attachment who manipulates and has low empathy could be a player.
So, are they a player or just avoidant?
Here are a few signs that someone is avoidant, rather than playing games:
They’re in touch regularly
Although avoidants shun commitment, they will still communicate with you regularly.
They might pull back when things start to feel “too serious” for them, but they won’t only contact you if they want something.
They won’t come on too strong
Players often come on very strong from the beginning (lovebombing, showing extreme interest, holding deep eye contact, etc.) to win you over quickly, get their way, and leave.
An avoidant person struggles to make emotional connections early on, so they’ll be more reserved and take things slow, especially at first.
They don’t ask for favors
Asking for help is a sign of weakness for avoidantly attached people.
So, if someone is asking you for stuff early on (like borrowing money), they’re probably taking advantage of you.
Dealing with a Player
If you’ve realized your love interest is a player, what you do to deal with them depends on what your intentions are.
Consider whether you’re happy with a casual thing or whether you want something more serious. If you’re happy to just have fun, then go for it – but make sure you’re honest with yourself about what you truly want.
If you’re looking for something more serious and don’t want to play games, it’s probably best to remove the player from your life.
Here’s some advice:
1. Manage Your Expectations
If they’re a player, they will continue to play – with you or without you. People don’t change for the sake of other people; they only change when they decide it’s in their best interest.
Some people believe that if they have sex with someone often enough, it’ll make them love them, but that’s rarely true. Either they like you or they don’t, regardless of sex.
You can’t stop people from playing games, but you can remove yourself – players can only play their games if you play along.
2. Implement Boundaries
If you’re looking for something serious and you suspect they’re playing games, you can try to have a conversation with them about that and implement your boundaries.
For example, you might say, “I won’t sleep with you until you commit to me” or “Until you’re not clearer about what you want from this relationship, I can’t see you anymore.”
If it’s a casual thing and you’re okay with that then it’s still important to have strong boundaries.
For example, you might not want to meet at certain places or prefer if they didn’t text you at 2 am. Or you might not want them to meet your friends or ask questions about certain topics.
Communicate your limits and preferences, and if they don’t respect them then it’s up to you to draw the line.
3. Leave If You Want Commitment
If you want commitment, you’re much better off leaving them and finding a partner who appreciates and respects you.
Even if you do everything in your power to be the perfect match for the player, they won’t stop playing.
Feeling rejected is painful and you might want to prove that you’re good enough for them but it’s a losing game – you were never the issue, the issue lies with them.
4. Know Your Worth
If they’re just playing games with you, my advice is: don’t give them the validation of knowing that they hurt you. Just move on peacefully.
Sometimes our own insecurities can drive us to seek out partners who confirm the negative beliefs we have about ourselves. You might subconsciously believe you deserve to be treated badly, and therefore accept this kind of behavior as normal.
But it’s time to understand your worth and end the negative cycle. You deserve to be treated with respect, and you should never settle for someone who makes you feel small and insignificant.
Their insecurities shouldn’t make you question your worth. Raise your standards and find a person who values you.
Further reading
- Drescher, A. (2024). Narcissistic Love Bombing Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard. https://www.simplypsychology.org/narcissistic-love-bombing-cycle.html
- Drescher, A. (2023). Common Narcissistic Love Patterns. https://www.simplypsychology.org/common-narcissistic-love-patterns.html#:~:text=Narcissistic%20relationships%20typically%20involve%20three,while%20satisfying%20their%20own%20needs.
- Drescher, A. (2024). Examples of Mind Games in Dating and Relationships. https://www.simplypsychology.org/mind-games-dating.html
- Drescher, A. (2024). Tips for Setting Dating Boundaries. https://www.simplypsychology.org/dating-boundaries.html
Sources
Jonason, P. K., & Kavanagh, P. (2010). The dark side of love: Love styles and the Dark Triad. Personality and Individual Differences, 49(6), 606–610.
Ghani, F. (2011). Gendered Emotional Manipulation: An Investigation of Male and Female Perceptions of the Player Identity in Romantic Relationships [Master’s thesis, University of Ottawa] https://ruor.uottawa.ca/items/5a6b5d88-0ecf-4b00-be9c-08d01242e460
