When a narcissist sees you cry, they rarely respond with genuine compassion. Instead, they might fake concern, feel powerful, grow angry, play the victim, laugh, ignore you, or feel aroused.
That is because narcissistic personality disorder is linked to low affective empathy, the ability to feel what another person feels (di Giacomo et al., 2023).
Key Takeaways
- Empathy: Narcissistic personality disorder is linked to low affective empathy. A narcissist may understand that you are upset without feeling it with you.
- Common Reactions: They may fake empathy, enjoy the control, get angry, play the victim, laugh, ignore you, or feel aroused.
- Control: Your tears can feed their narcissistic supply and confirm that they have power over you.
- Anger: Tears can trigger shame or a feeling of losing control. Aggression is one way narcissists try to restore both.
- Blame: If your tears feel like an accusation, they may deflect responsibility and play the victim.
- A Spectrum: Narcissism runs along a continuum, so not everyone with narcissistic traits reacts in these ways.
- Your Safety: If a reaction turns abusive or frightening, put your safety first and seek support from friends, family, or a professional.
False Empathy
During the love bombing phase, a narcissistic person might put on a front of being very empathetic and supportive. They want to win you over.
For example, they might listen to you for hours, ask questions and seem very interested in your life. When you tell them about any painful past experiences, they offer their support and compassion.
Research helps explain how the act works. In narcissistic personality disorder, the ability to understand what someone feels (cognitive empathy) appears largely preserved. The ability to feel it alongside them (affective empathy) is more impaired (di Giacomo et al., 2023).
They seem to care and you feel like you can trust them, so you let your guard down. Then the empathy fades.
They may even use what you told them against you.
Fake Empathy as Manipulation
Certain types of narcissists, such as altruistic or communal narcissists, pride themselves on being seen as empathetic and selfless.
However, beneath this facade is a callous interior that seeks validation and praise by any means necessary.
It is not true empathy. It is a way to manipulate people into submission and a false sense of security.
Their goal is for you to see them as your confidant and savior because this puts them in a powerful position.
They might even be the ones inflicting the pain and then manipulate you into believing they are saving you from pain.
For example, your friend makes out with your boyfriend and you find out.
Instead of apologizing and owning up to this betrayal, your friend tells you, “I was only helping you out! I was testing his loyalty for you and proved that he’s a lowlife. You should be thanking me!”.
Power and Control
When a narcissist sees you cry because of something they did, it can give them a sense of power and control.
Any emotional reaction, good or bad, boosts their self-esteem. This is narcissistic supply: the attention, admiration, and validation they depend on to sustain their sense of self.
They want to be at the center of your attention and need to feel in control of you and your emotions. Their sense of self is fragile and relies on other people’s validation, so control feels essential.
Your tears confirm that control. It makes them feel powerful.
For example, you’re at home alone, waiting for your partner who should have been home hours ago. You feel emotional because he seems to be working late a lot recently and spends less time with you. He comes through the door and doesn’t even greet you.
This brings you to tears and you start crying at the kitchen table. He comes over and asks, “What’s wrong?” and you tell him that you feel unimportant and neglected because he doesn’t seem to care anymore.
Outwardly he might refute what you are saying but, on the inside, he feels gleeful like “Wow, I really have her wrapped around my finger”.
Become Angry
A narcissist might become angry when they see you cry, depending on the circumstances. Tears can stir up an overwhelming sense of shame. They can also make the narcissist feel they are losing control over you and their own emotions.
So to regain control and suppress shame, they might react with aggression.
Heinz Kohut (1972), who coined the term narcissistic rage, argued that it is not ordinary anger. It defends a fragile self-image. Its intensity therefore reflects how threatened the person feels, not how serious the trigger was.
Recent research backs up the role of shame. In a study of 399 participants, shame linked vulnerable narcissism to aggression, while grandiose narcissism predicted aggression directly (Théberge & Gamache, 2023). A meta-analysis of 118 studies also tied vulnerable narcissism strongly to reactive aggression (Du et al., 2022).
When Your Tears Annoy Them
If you cry often, they might find it annoying because they lack the empathy to understand and care about your emotions. They may be tired of pretending to care.
Some feel disgust at your “weakness.” They might say, “Stop crying all the time, you’re so annoying!” or “You’re such a crybaby, just toughen up”.
Tears that have nothing to do with them can also provoke anger (e.g. if you argued with a friend). They may feel their spot at the center of your attention has been stolen. They fear they are losing control over you.
Some become aggressive, belittle you, and threaten, “Stop crying or I’ll give you a real reason to cry about!”
When Tears Feel Like Blame
They might also get angry if they feel you are accusing or blaming them because this challenges their grandiosity and position of power.
Green and Charles (2019) interviewed seven people who had been in relationships with narcissistic partners. One woman described the reaction: “The minute I stood up against him or he felt he was losing control he would get aggressive and violent”.
Accounts like this show the severe end. They do not show how common such reactions are.
For example, you argue with your narcissistic partner because you found out they are having an affair. They play their usual gaslighting manipulation game and tell you to stop crying.
You snap and say “This is all because of you! You’ve destroyed this relationship. It’s your fault I’m crying!” They may feel you are backing them into a corner or challenging their authority and consequently become enraged.
Play the Victim
If a narcissist feels blamed by your crying, they might reverse the roles and play the victim.
Narcissists often struggle to take responsibility. This is true even when they are clearly in the wrong. They live in a fantasy world in which they are perfect and never to blame for anything.
Taking responsibility for making you cry would mean admitting they are less than perfect. So they refuse, and turn it back on you.
For example, a colleague at work is always taking credit for your work and spreading rumors about you to managers. It’s having a significant impact on your well-being, and you decide to confront her.
When you are explaining your position, you start crying out of frustration and anger.
Your colleague says, “I can’t believe you would think I would do those things. The fact that you’re crying is so manipulative! You’re just jealous of my success. You’re trying to sabotage me! Why is everyone always against me?”
Start Laughing
Some narcissists, especially those with antisocial traits, have what is called “contrast empathy”.
It means they will find a situation funny that most people would find sad or concerning. So, when these types of narcissists see you crying, they find it funny.
For example, you had to have your dog put down and naturally, feel very emotional. You return home without your dog and start crying.
Your partner asks, “Why are you crying?” and you tell her what happened. She bursts out laughing saying, “Oh come on, it was just a stupid dog. You can just get another one”.
Give the Silent Treatment
Considering their lack of genuine empathy, some narcissists will not react when they see you cry.
Their capacity to care for and support other people is very low when there is no incentive to do so. So when you cry and it has no bearing on them, they might feel nothing at all and ignore you.
For example, your dad walks into the room and sees you’re crying. Either he just walks past you or asks, “What’s wrong now?”. You explain that something terrible happened to you at school.
He shrugs and says, “Is that it?” and then walks away shaking his head.
Arousal
Some narcissists feel pleasure at seeing someone upset and crying. This is called dacryphilia, an uncommon form of arousal triggered by the sight of someone crying (Greenhill & Griffiths, 2015). It may be sadistic if it is about domination and control.
Sadistic dacryphiles get aroused by making their partner cry through physical or emotional pain.
Others get aroused by seeing someone cry, whatever the reason. It is not about control. They are simply aroused by seeing tears.
Sources
di Giacomo, E., Andreini, E., Lorusso, O., & Clerici, M. (2023). The dark side of empathy in narcissistic personality disorder. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, Article 1074558. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1074558
Du, T. V., Miller, J. D., & Lynam, D. R. (2022). The relation between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analysis. Journal of Personality, 90(4), 574–594. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12684
Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation. SAGE Open, 9(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693
Greenhill, R., & Griffiths, M. D. (2015). Compassion, dominance/submission, and curled lips: A thematic analysis of dacryphilic experience. International Journal of Sexual Health, 27(3), 337–350. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2015.1013596
Kohut, H. (1972). Thoughts on narcissism and narcissistic rage. The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 27(1), 360–400. https://doi.org/10.1080/00797308.1972.11822721
Théberge, D., & Gamache, D. (2023). An appraisal of narcissistic rage through path modeling. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 38(1–2), 796–818. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605221084746
