How to Argue with a Narcissist

Narcissists argue to win, not to solve the problem. They rely on manipulative tactics such as devaluing, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and playing the victim. The best response is to stay calm, keep your expectations low, and protect your well-being.

They are also highly sensitive, quick to anger, and self-centered. They enjoy attention and stimulating a reaction out of others, even a negative one.

During an argument, they can be very aggressive. They might shout, insult, or use threatening language. They might distort the truth, dismissing everything you say and twisting things to suit their point of view. Other times, they might avoid talking entirely, giving you the cold shoulder and walking away mid-argument.

In any case, they will disregard your feelings in an attempt to undermine your self-esteem and maintain dominance in the argument. But, what specifically makes it so difficult to argue with narcissistic people?

Devalue and Humiliate

Narcissists devalue others as a way to boost their own self-esteem and maintain a sense of superiority.

They might use extreme language, point out your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, or laugh at you when you share how you feel.

This behavior can be emotionally damaging.

For example:

1. “You’re useless. You can’t do anything right.”
   They might belittle someone’s skills or competence, making them feel inferior or worthless.
2. “Nobody else would put up with you.”
   This is intended to make the person feel unlovable or undesirable.
3. “You’re so naive/stupid.”
   Such statements serve to undermine a person’s confidence in their own intellect or judgment.
4. “You’ll never amount to anything.”
   They aim to crush the person’s ambitions or hopes by predicting failure or disappointment.
5. “I can’t believe I have to deal with someone like you.”
   This is a way to express disgust or disappointment, meant to make the person feel unwanted.
6. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”
   They aim to make the person feel dependent and less significant by positioning themselves as superior or indispensable.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to make someone question their own perception of reality, memory, or sanity in order to undermine them.

The goal of gaslighting is to make someone question their own perceptions, memories, or judgments, usually through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, or lying.

Here are examples of things a narcissistic person might say when using gaslighting:

1. “You are too sensitive.”
   Narcissists may resort to personal insults or belittling remarks in an attempt to undermine your self-esteem, and divert attention from what they might have done.
2. “You are crazy.”
   This implies you do not have the mental capacity or stability to understand or make proper judgments, leaving you to question yourself.
3. “It never happened that way.” or “You’re imagining things.”
   This is another form of denial intended to make the victim question their perception of reality.
4. “You’re lying about that – I would never do such a thing.”
   This can create self-doubt about the victim’s recollections and experiences.
5. “You’re overreacting/ exaggerating/ making a big deal out of this.”
   This tactic is used to invalidate the person’s emotions and reactions to the narcissist’s behavior.
6. “That’s just how you remember it.”
   This more subtle form of gaslighting is used to make the person question the accuracy of their memory.

Marriage and family therapist Esther Perel names several of these phrases in a podcast episode on gaslighting (Perel, n.d.-a). As Perel explains, being called “overly sensitive” is one. So is being blamed for the very feeling you just named.

Being accused of being the gaslighter yourself is another. So is having your hunger, tiredness, or mood overridden and redefined by the other person.

Perel adds that a hallmark of being gaslit is that you usually already have the answer to your own question. You can list example after example that confirms it, yet you keep arriving back at self-doubt.

Triangulation

Triangulation is a manipulative tactic often used by narcissists to create conflict and control within relationships.

It involves bringing another person (or people) into an argument to give their argument more validity and invalidate someone else’s opinion.

They may also use a third party to convey information, spread rumors, or create rivalries. The aim is to gain the upper hand.

Here are examples of things a narcissistic person might say when employing triangulation:

1. “It’s not just me – everybody thinks you’re really needy.”
   This destabilizes you by making you question yourself. Being called “needy” invalidates your feelings and using the word “everyone” can cause you to feel isolated.
2. “No wonder she doesn’t like you.”
   This implies that you are at fault and the argument or situation has been caused by your personality or because you are unlikeable.
3. “I don’t understand why you can’t get along with [another person].”
   They may try instigating conflict or tension between you and others to deflect blame or create a distraction.
4. “My friend thinks we’re the perfect couple.”
   This tactic can create a false narrative to maintain control over you and manipulate your perception of the relationship.
5. “I was talking to [another person], and they also think you’re overreacting.”
   This is meant to invalidate your feelings by suggesting others share their viewpoint.

Blame-Shifting

Narcissists often accuse others of the very behaviors they exhibit. They will not take responsibility, but rather will shift the blame onto you.

For example:

• “I’m angry because you always provoke me.”
• “How is that my fault?”
• “You always twist the facts.”
• “You started this argument”
• “I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t…”
• “You never take my feelings into consideration.”

Letting someone know how you feel does not mean you started an argument. A narcissistic person may blame you anyway. This lets them avoid taking responsibility.

They might also say these things to confuse you and create self-doubt in your mind.

Marriage and family therapist Esther Perel describes a pattern that mirrors blame-shifting and projection (Perel, n.d.-b). In her words, “yours is circumstantial, theirs is characterological.”

In other words, people explain away their own flaws as situational but read a partner’s identical behavior as a permanent trait. Perel sees this as a near-universal habit rather than a narcissist-only tactic, one that intensifies once a couple is already in conflict.

Projection

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism that narcissistic individuals might use to attribute their own thoughts, feelings, or characteristics to someone else.

It involves projecting one’s own undesirable or unacceptable qualities onto another person to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.

For example:

1. “You are so manipulative/ aggressive.”
   • This frees them of responsibility and leaves you questioning yourself.
2. “You’re always criticizing me.”
   • They may be overly critical of others but feel as if they are the ones being criticized.
3. “You never think about anyone else but yourself.”
   • The accuser may be the one not considering others’ feelings or needs.
4. “You think you’re always right.”
   • They may struggle with always needing to be right and project this onto others.
5. “You’re so vain.”
   • As individuals who often focus on their own image, narcissists might accuse others of vanity.

Playing the Victim

Narcissists often play the victim card to elicit sympathy and turn the focus away from their own behavior.

For example:

1. “You are always giving me a hard time.”
   This invalidates your feelings and deflects from what they may have done wrong.
2. “I never get the recognition I deserve. It’s like I’m invisible to everyone.”
   By claiming a lack of recognition, this person presents themselves as the victim of others’ oversight or neglect, suggesting that they are unfairly invisible or underappreciated despite their perceived accomplishments.
3. “I’m the one who’s always left picking up the pieces after other people’s mistakes.”
   This statement portrays the person as the constant rescuer or caretaker burdened with the responsibility of fixing others’ errors, positioning themselves as the victim of others’ incompetence or irresponsibility.
4. “Nobody appreciates all the sacrifices I make for them.”
   This statement frames the person as a selfless martyr who goes unrecognized and unappreciated for their sacrifices, positioning themselves as the victim of others’ lack of gratitude. Narcissistic mothers often use this comment to play the victim.
5. “No matter what I do, it’s never good enough for anyone.”
   By consistently emphasizing their perceived inadequacy and others’ unattainable standards, this person positions themselves as the victim of unrealistic expectations, implying that they can never satisfy anyone.
6. “I’m just too sensitive. That’s why I get hurt so easily.”
   Here, the person attributes their vulnerability and ease of getting hurt to being overly sensitive, positioning themselves as a victim of their own emotional state and implying that others should be more careful around them.

Psychologists have a name for this reversal: DARVO, short for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the term for how people confronted about wrongdoing often respond. The steps work like this:

• Deny: they say it never happened.
• Attack: they attack the credibility of whoever raised it.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: they present themselves as the real victim.

In a study of 138 undergraduates, Harsey, Zurbriggen, and Freyd (2017) asked participants to describe a time they confronted someone over a wrongdoing. The more DARVO-like the other person’s response had been, the more self-blame the confronter reported afterward.

The study was not about narcissism, but the pattern it describes closely matches the tactics above.

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How Do You Argue With a Narcissist?

Under normal circumstances, people aim to find a solution to whatever may have caused the argument.

But when you are arguing with a narcissist, it is a war of willpower – who has the most stamina to win this argument?

Arguments with narcissists are challenging. A highly narcissistic person will almost certainly not back down until they feel they have won or had the last word.

However, if you find yourself in a situation where you need to address an issue with a narcissist, here are some strategies to consider:

Remember Their Strategy

Narcissists want to maintain their grandiose and superior sense of self, to feel in control and “win.”

They are not interested in making you feel better or finding a solution. They want to place all the blame on you. That deflects attention from their own shortcomings and asserts their dominance.

When you keep this in mind, their words and behavior lose their intensity.

You will realize that you no longer have to take them seriously. Their behavior is not about you. It is about them and their fragile ego.

Keep Your Expectations Low

Considering a narcissist’s personality, you should not expect them to apologize or see things from your point of view.

Do not try to convince them of your narrative or how much their actions have hurt you. It is a waste of time.

They can never accept responsibility because they believe they are perfect and entitled to behave the way they do.

Recognize that not all arguments with a narcissist are worth pursuing. Sometimes, it may be more beneficial to disengage and focus on setting boundaries or seeking support from others.

Use Non-Confrontational Language

Non-confrontational language works for arguing with any person, narcissistic or not. No one likes to be reproached or pointed at with an accusing finger, especially narcissists.

Non-confrontational language includes:

• Using “I” and “we” statements instead of “you” statements
• Staying calm (but assertive)
• Using open and nonaggressive body language (e.g. relax the muscles of your body and face, open hand gestures, uncross your arms and legs)
• Saying things like “I understand” or “From my perspective.” Tell them you agree with some of what they said, then add how your point of view differs.

Remain Unemotional

Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions and may attempt to provoke you.

Narcissists want to feel in control of you and your emotions, so by remaining calm and composed, you are taking away that control.

Take deep breaths, maintain a steady tone of voice, and avoid getting defensive or emotional.

Bring them back to the point gently. Keep your sentences short and direct, such as “yes,” “no,” or “okay.”

Let them speak and rant while you stay silent. This will make them feel uncomfortable and prevent them from manipulating your emotions.

This approach is often called gray rocking. It means giving brief, flat, low-emotion replies. It still answers what is actually asked, just without the emotional reaction a narcissistic partner may be fishing for.

Clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula draws a sharp line between gray rocking and stonewalling (Durvasula, n.d.). As she explains, stonewalling is “stopping communication.” That means refusing to answer, avoiding eye contact, or walking out.

Gray rocking is different. You are “responding meaningfully,” just briefly and without emotion.

Durvasula warns that a narcissistic partner may accuse you of stonewalling when you are gray rocking. She calls that accusation inaccurate and one more way of making you doubt yourself.

She also cautions that gray rocking has a cost. Sustained for months or years, it is an emotionally flattening way to live. She frames it as a bounded coping tool for relationships you cannot leave, such as shared children or a workplace.

Focus on Your Well-Being

Engaging in arguments with a narcissist can be emotionally draining and damaging to our well-being.

When we constantly get angry and upset, our body releases excess stress hormone, which can be detrimental to our mental and physical health.

It is important to focus on your well-being, safety, and health. Stick to your boundaries and set strict limits. Holding your boundaries matters more than winning the argument.

Reinforce these boundaries during the argument and assertively address any attempts to disrespect or manipulate you.

When narcissists are angry, it might be best to de-escalate the situation and leave.

De-escalation does not mean you are condoning bad behavior, but rather you are allowing them to come back down from their rage.

• Do not argue with them
• Do not blame (they will always turn the tables back on you)
• Focus on listening; avoid talking
• Empathize (e.g., “I understand why you are feeling angry”)
• Do not ask for or expect an apology
• Ignore their insults and try not to take them personally
• If you are feeling unsafe, disengage and leave immediately

When a Narcissist Stonewalls

Stonewalling means shutting down completely during conflict: refusing to respond, make eye contact, or engage. Narcissists use it to punish, avoid accountability, or keep control.

A healthy break is different. It is brief, and the conversation is always revisited. Stonewalling can last for days or weeks, and the issue stays unresolved.

The natural reaction is to chase them or beg for attention. This only feeds their grandiose ego and reinforces the behavior.

Stay calm, give them space to cool off, and use the time for self-care, such as exercise, a walk, or meditation.

If it keeps happening, name it. Set a boundary that being ignored will not be tolerated, and ask them to say when they need a break instead of defaulting to silence. Expect denial and table-turning in reply, because narcissists tend to dismiss criticism and resist healthy communication.

A narcissist cannot be relied on to change.

If stonewalling is part of a wider pattern of manipulation or emotional abuse, it is worth asking whether the relationship is healthy to stay in. Prioritizing safety, seeking professional support, and creating distance are reasonable options, not failures.

Why Is Arguing With a Narcissist So Difficult?

Arguing with a narcissist can be exceptionally difficult due to several factors that are characteristic of their behavior and personality traits.

One of these core traits is antagonism.

Antagonism refers to a state or behavior characterized by anger, hostility, entitlement, or opposition.

Narcissists also have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others, which means they do not respond well to criticism or “disobedience.”

This alone would be enough to make arguments with narcissistic individuals difficult and distressing.

But there are other reasons.

These include their other-oriented perfectionism, which means expecting flawless behavior from other people. They also lack “whole object relations,” the ability to see people as having both good and bad qualities.

Other-Oriented and “Narcissistic” Perfectionism

Other-oriented perfectionism is a subtype of perfectionism that involves holding unrealistically high standards for the performance, behavior, or achievements of other people.

People high in it tend to be narcissistic. They become critical, demanding, or dissatisfied when others fall short.

Stoeber (2014) describes it as a “defining component of narcissistic perfectionism, a higher-order form of perfectionism, narcissistic grandiosity, and narcissistic entitlement.”

Individuals with other-oriented perfectionism may have limited empathy for others’ limitations, struggles, or differences. Thus, they are less motivated to help or please others.

They have little interest in forming intimate connections or getting along with others. They also struggle to see other points of view.

Additionally, their narcissistic tendencies mean they are admiration-seeking, entitled, exploitative, insensitive, and manipulative.

This trait partly explains why arguing with a narcissistic person is so difficult. They expect others to be perfect and hold them to impossible standards.

But others will inevitably fall short. They cannot supply the level of attention and admiration the narcissist feels they deserve. Unmet needs leave the narcissist overly critical and hostile.

Because they believe they are better and more deserving than others, they feel entitled to be degrading toward the other person.

They can become manipulative, aggressive, and callous because they are only interested in being the “winner” and maintaining their grandiose self-esteem.

Examples of other-oriented perfectionism include:

• Disliking someone because they make mistakes.
• Expecting others to always be in a good mood.
• Losing interest in someone when they fail at something.
• Wanting someone’s appearance to be flawless at all times.
• Judging others’ performance or behavior.

Whole Object Relations

Whole object relations is a psychoanalytical term for the ability to see others as whole individuals, each with their own separate identity, thoughts, and emotions.

That includes recognizing that everyone has good and bad qualities.

Without this ability, a person can only see others (and themselves) as all good or all bad. People high in narcissism (an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for admiration) tend to lack it.

They deem other people either perfect or worthless.

If a narcissist sees you as “perfect,” they will engage in love bombing. This might seem positive.

In fact, it is manipulation, because no one can maintain that standard. Sooner or later, they will notice something they do not like about you.

When this happens, or you challenge or threaten their grandiose and superior self-image, you become an enemy. This blow to their self-image is termed a “narcissistic injury.” They can no longer see your positives.

Because of their antagonistic and superior nature, they feel entitled to be abusive. They may even want to “destroy” the person who caused the narcissistic injury.

The psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut (1972) described the rage that follows such an injury as driven by a compulsive need for revenge.

It is a toxic cocktail. It makes arguing with a narcissistic person unsafe and troubling.

Examples include:

• Only saying negative things about their ex-partners or ex-friends.
• Having a minor argument with someone and writing them off entirely.
• Noticing a “flaw” in someone and withdrawing from them emotionally and/ or physically 

The Narcissist’s Strategy

In short, a narcissist’s strategy during an argument is to maintain their grandiose sense of self. They want to feel in control and superior to their “enemy.”

Their grandiosity is like a fortress they have built around themselves. It protects them from abuse and negative feedback. Unfortunately, maintaining this fortress comes at a cost to other people because they defend it aggressively.

When you engage in an argument with a narcissist, you are, in some way, giving them negative feedback. For example, you might be telling them that they do not call you often enough, do not listen properly, or said something unkind to you.

From there, the argument tends to follow a pattern:

1. Feedback cannot be absorbed. Their sense of self cannot integrate it, because they lack whole object relations (see above). Acknowledging a flaw would mean they are worthless.
2. Responsibility feels impossible. They cannot admit they did something wrong, so they turn the tables on you.
3. Injury creates an enemy. Letting them know they are not perfect feels like a narcissistic injury. You now “deserve” to be punished.

In other words, a narcissistic person wants to utterly defeat you and “win” every argument. They are not listening to your words. They just want to demonstrate their power and come out on top.

When you have a strong emotional reaction and end up apologizing (even when you have not done anything wrong), they feel they are winning. It makes them feel powerful when they have control over you and your feelings.

Arguing With a Covert Narcissist

Arguing with a covert narcissist is just as difficult as arguing with any other type of narcissist.

They share the same grandiose and antagonistic (aggressive, hostile, manipulative, callous) core, but they present as shy and introverted rather than imposing and extraverted.

When you have a conflict with them, they will also shift the blame, gaslight, play the victim, and disregard your feelings.

Covert narcissists are subtler in their manipulative and abusive tactics. They will hide their superior and grandiose delusions by putting on an act of being nice, humble, caring, and shy.

However, when their buttons are pushed (that is, when they experience a narcissistic injury), their true colors start to show.

Like other narcissists, they may explode into rage. They may yell, hit, or throw things. Or they may stonewall you, shutting down and acting as if you are entirely insignificant.

Unlike overt narcissists, they often play the victim through self-deprecation. They might say things like:

• “I’m such a horrible person, you deserve better.”
• “You’d be so much happier without me.”

These statements are meant to make you feel guilty or to compel you to defend yourself and your love for them. It plays straight into the narcissist’s hands.

Covert narcissists are more difficult to identify because they do not fit the stereotypical description of a narcissist. However, their behavior during arguments is classically narcissistic: they are hypersensitive, entitled, aggressive, hostile, and cannot take responsibility for their actions and words.

Their behavior can be distressing, frustrating, and even traumatizing.

Dealing with any type of narcissist in an argument can be challenging.

It’s essential to prioritize your well-being, set boundaries, and consider seeking professional help or support if the situation becomes emotionally or psychologically distressing.

Critical Evaluation

The tactics above are easy to recognize. The research behind them is more uneven.

How Strong Is the Evidence?

The example phrases in this article are illustrative rather than drawn from a specific study. None of the six tactics is exclusive to narcissism.

The link between narcissism and aggression rests on firmer ground.

Kjærvik and Bushman (2021) pooled 437 independent studies with 123,043 participants. They found that narcissism was related to both aggression (r = .26) and violence (r = .23).

The link was stronger after provocation (r = .29) than without it (r = .12). It remained significant even without provocation.

Both grandiose narcissism (overt and entitled) and vulnerable narcissism (insecure and hypersensitive) were related to aggression. The authors concluded that people high in narcissism have “thin skins.”

That research concerns aggression in general, not what people say during arguments. Applying it here is an extrapolation.

Are These Tactics Unique to Narcissism?

Not entirely. Several tactics in this article have close relatives in research that was not about narcissism. Three rival explanations stand out:

• DARVO: playing the victim and blame-shifting resemble how people respond to being confronted in general, not only narcissistic people (Harsey et al., 2017).
• Demand-withdraw: in 31 couples, both spouses were more demanding when the change was theirs and more withdrawing when it was their partner’s (Christensen & Heavey, 1990).
• Flooding: stress hormones can overwhelm a person and make productive discussion nearly impossible, so they may shut down (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

The last one makes some silence closer to an automatic threat response than a calculated punishment. That complicates, without erasing, the idea that stonewalling is purely a tool for control.

None of this makes the narcissism account wrong. It means narcissism is best seen as one factor that makes a common conflict pattern worse, more one-sided, and less likely to end in repair.

Contemporary Research

Büttner and colleagues (2025) asked whether narcissistic people suffer ostracism (being ignored or excluded) more often, or only feel excluded more.

They combined two nationally representative panel surveys, a 14-day experience-sampling study, and six experiments (77,289 participants in total).

Higher narcissism was linked to reporting ostracism more often.

Experiments showed that narcissistic people were more sensitive to ambiguous exclusion cues, but not to clear ones. Other people also excluded narcissistic people more once they saw narcissistic traits.

A 14-year longitudinal study found that changes in ostracism and in narcissism each predicted changes in the other a year later.

Real and perceived exclusion therefore both play a part.

This suggests some apparent punishment may be a defensive reaction to a threat the other person never intended. That does not make the behavior any less damaging to the person on the receiving end.

Qualitative work adds the view from inside these relationships.

Green and Charles (2019) interviewed seven people who described a relationship with a narcissistic partner. Partners seen as grandiose were typically triggered by threats to their self-esteem, while more vulnerable partners reacted to fear of abandonment.

Seven interviews cannot be generalized, and participants judged their partners’ narcissism themselves.

Sources

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Christensen, A., & Heavey, C. L. (1990). Gender and social structure in the demand/withdraw pattern of marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(1), 73–81. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.59.1.73

Durvasula, R. (n.d.). Gray rocking vs stonewalling [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZaX6sLyVsI

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Random House.

Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and self-esteem regulation. Sage Open, 9(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693

Harsey, S. J., Zurbriggen, E. L., & Freyd, J. J. (2017). Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26(6), 644–663. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777

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