Boundaries set limits on what you will do, while control tries to change what another person does. The two are easily confused.
That happens when the concept of boundaries has been misunderstood. Boundaries are not about control; if anything, they are about self-control rather than other control.
Boundaries are your limits and needs. They let you decide what you will or won’t tolerate, so the onus is on you. They communicate to others how you wish to be treated and loved. They never force the other person to change.
You give people the choice and freedom to respect your boundaries. If they don’t, you take responsibility for keeping yourself healthy and safe by drawing a line (this requires self-control).
Sometimes, people dress up control as “their boundaries,” but they are two entirely different things. If someone is controlling towards you, they are crossing your boundaries. They don’t respect your needs and wishes, and they force you to give up your autonomy.
Healthy boundaries help you grow together and improve your relationship. Control does exactly the opposite.
Control is about wanting (and expecting) the other person to suit your ideal and forcing them to meet your needs. This can lead to resentment, rebellion, and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Control can be financial, physical, emotional, intellectual, or sexual (or a combination of them all).
Control Disguised as Boundaries
When boundaries are more about the other person than you, it can be a sign that control is being disguised as boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t the rules we set for others; they’re the limits we set for ourselves within relationships. That means taking responsibility. If the other person’s behavior bothers you or pushes you to the limit, change your response rather than trying to change them.
The following statements are examples of control that have been misconstrued as boundaries:
- “You can’t speak to other men/women.”
- “I’ll tell you what to wear.”
- “If you have a different opinion to me, this isn’t going to work.”
- “You have to give me all your passwords.”
From these examples, it’s evident that these “boundaries” stem from insecurity rather than wanting the best for you or the relationship.
By exerting control (“you can’t do this/you must do that.”), they might feel more secure, but you end up with less freedom.
Control creeps in gradually. The other person takes away your freedom until you no longer have control over your own life.
That includes who you hang out with and what you do with your time.
Controlling people tend to lack boundaries themselves. Perhaps they grew up in an unbounded environment. As a result, they have misguided expectations about other people’s boundaries, for example, that they shouldn’t have any.
That’s why setting boundaries from the very beginning is essential. Often, people are incompatible, and that’s okay. You can just move on without forcing someone to change.
For example, if you don’t like how another person dresses, you can move on. If you don’t like their social media activity, find someone else.
In a healthy relationship, you compromise, but you respect and support each other’s boundaries without coercion, fear, or guilt.
Boundary vs Control Examples
These pairs show the same concern phrased two ways. The control version tells the other person what to do. The boundary version states what you will do.
| Situation | Aimed at the other person | Your own boundary |
|---|---|---|
| Texting | “Stop texting me all the time.” | “I’m not someone who likes texting all day, so don’t be offended if I don’t always reply right away.” |
| Disrespect | “If you speak to me like that again, I’m leaving.” | “I don’t accept being spoken to like that, so if I feel you’re being disrespectful, I will end the conversation.” |
| Emotional support | “I expect you to always be available when I need support.” | “If someone is repeatedly unavailable when I need support, I will stop investing in that relationship.” |
Each boundary describes an action you control, which is why you can always follow through on it.
Are You Confusing Boundaries with Control?
Sometimes, in a bid to have our needs met, we might become controlling. If you want to relinquish control and embrace true love and growth, consider the following:
What is the cost of control?
Your partner might comply, but they will lose their trust and love for you and grow resentful and emotionally absent over time.
The cost can be severe when control becomes coercive. Coercive control is a pattern of intimidation, isolation, monitoring, and restriction.
Lohmann et al. (2023) identified 68 eligible studies of adults. They pooled data from 45 of them in a meta-analysis, which combines results across studies.
Coercive control was moderately associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (r = .32) and depression (r = .27). Those links were similar in size to the ones for psychological partner abuse more broadly (r = .34 and r = .33).
The evidence is observational. It shows a link, not proof of cause. If a partner’s control involves monitoring, isolation, or intimidation, enforcing a limit can carry real risk. Seek support from trusted people or a therapist first.
Can you control another person?
The only person you have control over is you. No matter how much you try, the other person will not change until they are ready to.
Each of you is responsible for your own feelings, choices, and behavior. That is not about blame. It is about empowerment, because you no longer have to wait for your partner to change before you protect yourself.
Sometimes two people simply want incompatible things. Clinging to the hope that a controlling partner will change for you often does more harm than accepting that they will not.
Do you like your freedom being taken away?
Relationships are about freedom. You agree to each other’s boundaries but remain two separate individuals. How does it make you feel when another person tries to control you?
Control creates distance rather than closeness. When you accept this reality and the fact that you cannot change another person, you make room for closeness and growth.
Closeness and freedom pull in different directions. As psychotherapist Esther Perel tells a couple on her podcast Where Should We Begin?:
“Every couple has to negotiate separateness and togetherness. It’s probably one of the core tasks of a relationship.” (Perel, n.d.)
Perel notes that couples often polarize around this tension. One partner is more afraid of losing the other; the other is more afraid of losing themselves. She suggests couples get unstuck when each partner voices the side they usually leave to the other.
Are you dependent?
Do you rely on your partner to meet all of your needs? The love, approval, and forgiveness you seek must come from within you and should be spread across the people you know.
It shouldn’t be limited to your partner.
As relationship coach Jillian Turecki explains, the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself, because it shapes how you treat everyone else. She notes that people who lack self-acceptance often carry “massive expectation” into relationships, looking to a partner to soothe wounds that are really internal.
Healthy boundaries mean each partner takes responsibility for their own happiness, supporting rather than rescuing the other. Building that footing involves three habits:
- Self-reliance: build a life that feels safe and purposeful without a partner.
- Self-acceptance: extend yourself the same grace you seek from others.
- Self-awareness: notice your own sabotaging patterns, such as trying to “fix” a partner’s mood because of past insecurities.
Does a difference of opinion feel like an attack on you?
If you overly define yourself by your partner and relationship, it will feel like an attack against you if they disagree or make a different decision.
When you define yourself by your own boundaries, you’ll realize their feelings and decisions have more to do with them than you.
Psychiatrist Murray Bowen (1978) named this differentiation of self. It means staying emotionally connected to others while still thinking, feeling, and deciding for yourself. The opposite is emotional fusion. Your sense of self collapses into what the people closest to you think or want.
Rodríguez-González et al. (2023) followed 958 people from 137 Spanish and 342 U.S. couples over time. Higher differentiation of self predicted better relationship quality and lower anxious attachment (a fear of losing your partner) in both countries.
The study was correlational. It shows that the two go together, not that one causes the other.
My Boyfriend Thinks my Boundaries are Controlling
When your boyfriend accuses you of being controlling for setting boundaries, it can be a sign of a deeper issue within the relationship.
Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of any successful partnership. They help foster respect, trust, and open communication between partners.
If your boyfriend struggles to accept your boundaries, it may be due to several reasons:
- He may not fully understand the concept of boundaries and why they are important.
- He may be prioritizing his own desires over your comfort and well-being.
- He may have a history of pushing against boundaries in previous relationships.
To address this issue, start by openly and honestly conversing with your boyfriend.
Explain the reasoning behind your boundaries. Emphasize that they are not an attempt to control him but a way to communicate your needs and expectations within the relationship.
Help him understand that boundaries are a two-way street. He has the right to set his own boundaries as well.
If your boyfriend continues to push against your boundaries or accuses you of being controlling, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Ask yourself a simple question. Does he respect you and your needs, or does he consistently prioritize his own desires? A partner who truly cares for you will be willing to work together to find a compromise that works for both of you.
You have the right to set boundaries in your relationship. If your boyfriend is unwilling to respect those boundaries or find a solution with you, that may be a warning sign. The relationship may not be healthy or sustainable in the long run.
Trust your instincts, prioritize your well-being, and surround yourself with people who value and respect you.
Key Takeaways
- Boundaries: Limits you set for yourself, such as what you will tolerate and what you will do if someone crosses them.
- Control: Tries to make another person change, suit your ideal, or meet your needs by force.
- Warning Signs: Statements like “You can’t speak to other men/women” or “You have to give me all your passwords” restrict the other person.
- Responsibility: You can only control your own response. Change that, not the other person.
- Cost of Control: It breeds resentment and distance. Coercive control is linked to post-traumatic stress disorder and depression.
- Self-Check: Ask whether you rely on one partner for every need, or feel attacked when they disagree.
- If Accused: Explain your reasoning calmly. If a partner keeps refusing to respect your limits, reconsider the relationship.
References
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Lohmann, S., Cowlishaw, S., Ney, L., O’Donnell, M., & Felmingham, K. (2023). The trauma and mental health impacts of coercive control: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25(1), 630–647. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972
Perel, E. (n.d.). In this relationship, what is “I” and what is “we”? [Video]. Where Should We Begin? YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJscn8Zl_ag
Rodríguez-González, M., Bell, C. A., Pereyra, S. B., Martínez-Díaz, M. P., Schweer-Collins, M., & Bean, R. A. (2023). Differentiation of self and relationship attachment, quality, and stability: A path analysis of dyadic and longitudinal data from Spanish and U.S. couples. PLOS ONE, 18(3), e0282482. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0282482
