Do you ever feel torn between wanting to be close to your partner and desperately needing your own space?
Or perhaps you feel the opposite: craving deep connection while your partner seems to be pulling away?
You aren’t alone, and you aren’t doing it wrong.
According to renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel, this isn’t a problem you need to “fix.”
It is a paradox you need to manage.
In modern relationships, we are constantly trying to balance two opposing human needs: the need for safety (connection and belonging) and the need for freedom (adventure and autonomy).
Perel suggests that the quality of your relationship depends entirely on how well you navigate this tension.
The Impossible Job Description
Why does this balance feel so hard today?
As Esther Perel explains, it is because we have piled unprecedented expectations onto our romantic partners.
In the past, a village or community provided us with different things: stability, economic support, friendship, and community.
Today, Perel points out that we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did.
We expect our partner to be:
- Our best friend
- Our passionate lover
- Our co-parent
- Our intellectual equal
- Our emotional anchor
This creates an overburdened partnership.
It is simply too much for one person to deliver constant excitement and total stability simultaneously.
When we expect perfection in all these areas, we set ourselves up for disappointment.
The Dynamic of Polarity
In relationships, the struggle to balance connection and autonomy often manifests in a recurring dynamic where partners adopt polarized roles.
Attachment history dictates whether a person prioritizes security or autonomy more strongly.
The most common dynamic is the anxious-avoidant loop, where one person chases and the other pulls back, a pattern often mistaken for “love”.
- Fear of Abandonment: One person is typically more in touch with the fear of losing the other. This partner may be more eager to please, acquiesce, or assume responsibility for maintaining the connection (anxious attachment).
- Fear of Suffocation: The other person is often more in touch with the fear of losing themselves. They may fight harder for their autonomy, space, ideas, or timing, viewing compromise as a “slippery slope” leading to the loss of self (avoidant attachment).
Perel notes that when this happens, you are essentially “outsourcing” parts of your internal dilemma to your partner.
For example, if you crave stability, you might rely on your partner to provide it, but then later resent them for being “boring” or “rigid.”
Managing the Dance:
If you want the dynamic to change, you have to change your steps in the dance. You cannot force your partner to change.
When one partner needs space (e.g., the more avoidant one), it can be threatening to the partner who needs closeness (e.g., the anxious one).
In this dynamic, clear communication is essential.
If a partner needs space, they must reassure the other: “I love you, we’re okay. I just need a day to process”.
This respects the need for autonomy while providing the security and reassurance necessary for connection.
Cultivate Curiosity Over Certainty
To keep a relationship alive, you need mystery. But modern life (and algorithms) trains us to seek certainty and predictability.
Esther Perel advises that we must challenge the “illusion of familiarity.”
This is the mistaken belief that you know everything there is to know about your partner.
- Stop assuming: When you think you know exactly what your partner will say or do, you stop being curious. Boredom sets in.
- The “Option to Renew”: Perel suggests adopting the mindset that your partner is a free agent. They are “on loan with an option to renew.”
- Earn them daily: When you realize you don’t “own” your partner, you start paying attention again. You put in the effort to woo them, just like you did in the beginning.
Be Your Own Person (Differentiation)
You cannot have a connection if you are merged into one person. You need two distinct individuals to have a relationship.
This is what experts call differentiation.
Perel emphasizes that you must honor your need for separateness to fuel your desire for closeness.
- Learn to say “No”: You need to be able to say “no” to your partner sometimes so that your “yes” actually means something.
- Outsource your needs: Stop asking your partner to be your everything. Reconnect with friends, mentors, and your community. When you get your need for “belonging” met elsewhere, you take the massive pressure off your romantic relationship.
“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” — Esther Perel
Your Next Steps
Ready to reset the balance in your relationship? Try these three expert-backed moves this week:
- The “Village” Audit: Write down 5 emotional needs you have. Ask yourself: Am I expecting my partner to fulfill all of these? Pick one need (like venting about work or a specific hobby) and “outsource” it to a friend this week.
- The Curiosity Question: Ask your partner a question you don’t know the answer to. Avoid logistical questions like “What’s for dinner?” Instead, ask, “What is something you’ve been thinking about lately that we haven’t discussed?”
- Take Space: Schedule one evening or afternoon apart to do something solely for yourself. Come back and share what you did. This creates fresh energy to bring back to the relationship.
