Have you cut ties with your parents and now find yourself questioning that decision?
If you regret going no contact with your parents, you’re far from alone. Many estranged adult children grapple with guilt, doubt, or sadness after ending a toxic parent relationship.
This article will help you understand why those feelings happen and how to cope, drawing on real-life experiences and expert advice.
Why People Go No Contact with Their Parents
No one decides to go “no contact” with a parent on a whim. In most cases, it’s a last resort taken to protect one’s mental or physical well-being.
Abuse, chronic manipulation, betrayal of trust, or repeatedly hurtful behavior are common reasons adult children cut off contact.
Estrangement is usually chosen because every attempt to set boundaries or improve the relationship has failed.
As psychologist Claire Jack, Ph.D., notes, most people only make this decision because “it’s preferable to remaining stuck in a toxic environment”.
If interactions with a parent cause more pain than benefit, then going no contact may truly be the healthiest option.
Mixed Emotions: Guilt, Grief, and Regret Are Normal
Even when no contact is the right decision, it’s common to feel very conflicted afterward. You may feel relief on one hand and deep guilt or sadness on the other.
Psychologist Claire Jack, Ph.D., who experienced family estrangement herself, writes that “no matter what has led to the estrangement, it’s common to feel some guilt about it.”
Society often idealizes the parent-child bond, so cutting off a parent can leave you feeling like you’ve done something wrong even when you haven’t.
Shame and self-doubt can creep in. You might wonder if you were a “bad daughter/son” for making this choice. In reality, ending contact usually means something was wrong with the situation, not with you.
Loved ones who don’t understand the toxicity you endured might also pressure you. Many estranged children hear well-meaning remarks like “but they’re your parents, you’ll regret it someday.” Such comments can intensify your doubt.
In truth, people who haven’t lived through abuse often struggle to grasp why anyone would cut off family. This can leave you feeling isolated or judged, when what you need is understanding and support.
Personal Stories: Regret vs. Relief After Going No Contact
It can help to know how others in similar situations felt after going no contact. Many people initially worry they’ll regret it, but their experiences vary.
For some, the predominant feeling is relief. One adult child shared, “Never been better. I only regret not doing it sooner.”
Others do struggle with mixed feelings of loss.
“I don’t regret it because I know that it was the only decision and safest decision to make for myself,” wrote one estranged daughter. “However, I am still in mourning, and the grief has been difficult… sometimes my brain feels like I miss them, but I know it’s the idea of them that I miss rather than them as a person.”.
This heartfelt reflection shows how you can firmly believe no contact was necessary yet still feel grief for the parents you wish you’d had.
It’s also common to feel pangs of doubt right after cutting ties. One person described waking up with “intense feelings of regret” soon after telling their mother about the no-contact boundary.
In those moments, getting support is crucial. In online forums, people often remind each other that feeling guilty doesn’t mean the decision was wrong – it usually means you’re a caring person.
As one commenter told someone second-guessing themselves, “You only feel regret because you didn’t want to hurt your mother. There is no shame in telling someone their behavior and attitude is hurtful.”
Hearing from others who have walked this path can reinforce that you made your choice for valid reasons.
Why You Might Feel Regret After Going No Contact
If you’re feeling regretful or guilty now, it’s important to realize why those emotions are arising. Often, it’s not because cutting contact was wrong, but because of the complex emotional ties and social pressures involved.
Here are some common reasons you might be experiencing regret or doubt:
Guilt and empathy
You’re a compassionate person, so you worry you’ve hurt your parent by cutting them off. You might feel like you’ve done something cruel, even if that boundary was necessary. (As one person noted, “you only feel regret because you didn’t want to hurt your mother”.) This guilt can make you second-guess yourself.
Grieving the parent you never had
Going no contact can trigger grief for the idea of a loving, healthy parent. You might mourn the relationship you hoped for but didn’t get.
It’s normal to miss the fantasy of an ideal parent, even while knowing the real parent was harmful. As one estranged daughter admitted, she missed the idea of her parents more than the actual people they were after cutting ties.
Social pressure and stigma
Society sends a message that “family is forever” and that cutting off parents is taboo. Well-meaning friends or relatives might say you’ll regret it later or urge you to reconcile. This can plant seeds of doubt.
Cultural beliefs like “blood is thicker than water” often enable bad behavior to be excused, making you feel like the odd one out for leaving a toxic family.
Fear of future regret
You might worry, “Will I regret this when my parents are gone?” It’s a haunting question many face. But remember that if nothing changed, staying in an abusive relationship could fill you with regrets too.
As one person put it, toxic family dynamics create “regret we couldn’t have a normal relationship… regret for standing by them, regret for stepping back… With all those regrets already at play, don’t add in another regret of sticking around even longer.”
In other words, don’t sacrifice your well-being now just out of fear of later regret.
Trauma bonds and self-doubt
Enduring abuse or manipulation can distort your perspective. You may find yourself reminiscing about “good times” or hoping your parent will change, even after everything.
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes that people often remain in toxic relationships due to guilt, fear, hope, lack of understanding of the abuse, and even curiosity.
These same factors can stir up second thoughts after you leave, making you question if you did the right thing.
Coping with Regret and Moving Forward
Regret and other heavy emotions can lose their grip over time. There are healthy ways to work through these feelings so you can find peace with your decision.
Consider these strategies for coping and moving forward:
- Remind yourself why you left: Revisit the reasons that led you to go no contact. Write down the incidents or behaviors that harmed you, and the boundaries that were crossed. Keeping a list or journal can help ground you when you start to romanticize the past. Remember that you made this choice for a reason – to protect yourself.
- Seek support and validation: Talk to a therapist or join support groups (in person or online) for estranged adult children. Sharing your story with people who get it can be incredibly validating. A mental health professional can also guide you in processing feelings. You don’t have to carry those complex feelings alone.
- Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Cutting off a parent doesn’t make you a bad person – it makes you someone who set a tough boundary to stay healthy. Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.
- Set boundaries around negative influences: Limit contact with people who make you feel guilty about your decision. You might choose not to discuss your family situation with relatives or friends who only criticize or judge you for it. Surround yourself with supportive people who respect your choices. It’s also okay to tell nosy or critical individuals, “I’m not going to discuss this,” and change the subject.
- Focus on your healing and future: Put energy into things that bring you joy, comfort, and growth. This might mean nurturing relationships with friends or chosen family who treat you well. Explore hobbies, goals, or therapy techniques that help rebuild your confidence and identity outside of the family stress. Over time, as you build a healthier life, the regret and sadness are likely to diminish. Many who go no contact eventually experience “a sense of peace and relief” once they’ve had time to heal.
Remember that going no contact doesn’t have to be a permanent thing. You can reassess the situation in the future to see if this decision is still right for you. If your parent shows genuine accountability or has been to therapy to heal their own wounds, these are positive signs that things may have changed.
Finding Peace After Going No Contact
Working through regret takes time, but remember that you made the best decision you could with the information and circumstances you had.
As more time passes, you will likely feel more confident and at peace with having gone no contact. Many formerly estranged adult children say they eventually feel freedom and no regrets, especially once they heal from the past abuse or trauma.
Ultimately, you deserve to be treated with respect and care. Protecting your mental health is nothing to feel guilty about.
If reconnecting with your parent someday is truly in your best interest (and theirs), that path can be explored when and if the time is right.
But even if reconciliation never happens, you can still lead a healthy, fulfilling life surrounded by people who love and support you. Moving forward, focus on your own well-being – that is something you will not regret.
