Behind the Filters: The Reality of Social Media Love Stories

At times, when you scroll through social media, you may be flooded with posts of seemingly happy couples sharing the best parts of their relationship, going on perfect dates, gushing over each other, getting engaged, and just simply being cute together.

You may see these types of posts described as #CoupleGoals or #RelationshipGoals, as something that every couple should strive for.

It is easy to find yourself looking at these posts and wondering, “This couple seems to have it all figured out,” and “Why don’t I have that?”.

Social media has made it easy for anyone to practice impression management, presenting themselves in the most positive way possible. This can extend to sharing about romantic relationships.

It is normal to compare your relationship with others. However, measuring it against #CoupleGoals posts can distort your expectations, add pressure, and undermine your satisfaction, because those posts show only a curated highlight reel.

Relationships on Social Media Can’t Be Trusted

Is it okay to compare your relationship to what you see on social media?

Psychologists call this tendency social comparison: judging yourself by looking at other people (Festinger, 1954).

Comparisons run in two directions. Upward comparisons measure you against someone who seems better off. Downward comparisons measure you against someone who seems worse off (Wills, 1981).

A feed of #CoupleGoals posts is mostly upward material, because people post their best moments. A couple’s elaborate proposal video, for example, can provoke envy or a sense of falling short.

People tend to compare four things. These are displayed affection, the scale of gifts and trips, relationship milestones, and how often a partner posts.

Below are seven reasons why you maybe should not be making comparisons to those who are #RelationshipGoals:

1. You’re only getting the highlight reels

It may seem obvious, but everything someone posts is intentional. It is only what they want you to see.

Picture an account filled with photos of a couple cuddling, cooking together, laughing, and kissing. This can make you think this is what their relationship always looks like.

However, you cannot see what happens before or after the photo is taken.

There may have been an argument moments earlier. There may also be lingering insecurities, such as jealousy and trust issues.

People often display the positive aspects of their relationship online, which can leave onlookers thinking it is perfect. Issues often stay private. So what you see may not be the full picture.

Erving Goffman’s (1959) account of self-presentation explains why the picture is partial. According to Goffman, people manage a “front stage” image for an audience that differs from their private “backstage” reality. A couple’s feed is front stage by design.

2. The relationship can be embellished on social media

If couples on social media are only posting photos from their vacations, fancy dates, and gifts they receive from each other, this presents an idealized version of their relationship.

If you are always seeing a couple on social media post photos like these all the time, you may feel that you and your partner are not doing enough.

However, most relationships are not this lavish. Behind the scenes, most of these couples are still doing grocery shopping, chores, and lazy days at home together, just like every other couple.

You also cannot believe everything you see on social media. It is possible that grand romantic gestures are staged in front of a camera for attention and more ‘likes’ on social media.

“Relationship content often makes me cringe from how contrived it is – is this a genuine portrayal of love or just a show put on for getting views?”

Lara, age 27. 

Captions on photos might use exaggerated language to portray a relationship that is always happy with few problems.

Imagine captions such as, ‘My boyfriend always knows what to do to make me feel special ❤️’ or ‘My girlfriend is perfect!! I couldn’t imagine anything better!’

If you think to yourself any of the following after reading these captions, you may be making unhealthy comparisons to others’ relationships:

• My partner is not perfect in the slightest.
• My partner doesn’t always know how to make me feel special.
• My partner is not as good as their partner.

3. Unrealistic relationship expectations

Comparing your own relationship to what is portrayed on social media can distort your idea of what a relationship should be.

If you only see the positive side of relationships on social media, you might feel your own is not as good. After all, you sometimes experience problems. You do not always live up to the “couple goals” posts.

It’s important to remember that your bond with your partner, with all its ups and downs, should not be compared to a carefully curated social media account.

“When I see other boyfriends posting their girlfriends online, it makes me feel unwanted. I’ve talked to him (boyfriend) but he just tells me it’s because he doesn’t post much at all. I’m on his Instagram in one post, which is something I guess. He also doesn’t like taking photos when we go out.”

Female, 19 years old.

In this example, the young woman wants her boyfriend to post about her on social media. He may not want to, as he could simply be more of a private person. Disagreements about posting can strain a relationship in their own right.

She prefaces this concern by stating,

“For most of our relationship, I was insecure that he didn’t love me much or I loved him more.”

It could be that she struggles with feeling securely attached to her partner.

Research has found that people with an anxious attachment style are more likely to make relationship comparisons on social media (Gürsoy & Özkan, 2023).

This was an online survey of adults in romantic relationships. It measured attachment style, how often people compared, and relationship satisfaction (Gürsoy & Özkan, 2023). An anxious attachment style involves a fear of rejection or abandonment and a strong need for reassurance.

Those who compared less often reported higher relationship satisfaction. The survey was a one-off, self-report snapshot, so it cannot show which came first. Anxious attachment may drive comparison, comparison may feed insecurity, or a third factor may drive both.

4. It can put pressure on your own relationship

Comparing your relationship to the ones you see on social media can put pressure on you in different ways.

You may feel pressured into always keeping the relationship ‘happy’ like the seemingly happy couples you see online.

Consequently, you may feel your relationship problems are not normal. You may then repress these very real feelings to keep up appearances.

You might also feel pressured into always buying your partner expensive gifts or going on dreamy vacations to prove your love. You may also put this pressure on your partner. That is not fair on them.

Alternatively, you may feel pressured into staying in a relationship that is not working or is unhealthy. You might fear disappointing your online followers.

Or, if you are single, you may feel pressured into rushing into a relationship. You might choose someone who is not right for you just to share it on social media.

5. You feel like you and your relationship are failing

Comparing your own relationship to ones depicted on social media often results in judging yourself and your partnership as inferior while holding others’ relationships as superior.

Seeing other couples constantly showcasing their romance online can make you feel unsatisfied or that there is something wrong with you or your partner.

Exposure to social media posts that are self-enhancing is potentially related to depressive symptoms (Uhlir, 2016).

The wider evidence points the same way. A synthesis of two meta-analyses found that social-media-induced comparison, not social media use in general, is linked to lower well-being and higher depression (Valkenburg, 2022).

Likewise, evidence suggests that social networking sites can have a negative impact on relationship dynamics, especially when the intimacy between partners decreases consequently (Bouffard et al., 2022). Excessive use was also linked to more relationship conflict, partly through reduced investment in the relationship.

Constant exposure to couples’ highlights may damage your self-esteem. Spending a lot of time looking at these posts may also shake the confidence you have in your relationship.

“I was watching a video where the boyfriend said to his girlfriend that he asked her to hang out because he finds her fun to be around, or something like that. That interaction felt cute and I would want that too (from my boyfriend)”

Clare, 29 years old.

6. You feel like your relationship is ‘falling behind’

Seeing curated glimpses of relationships on social media can make your own feel like it is not keeping up in comparison.

Online, you may constantly see relationship progressions, such as moving in together, getting engaged, and pregnancy announcements. If you have not reached these milestones yet, you may feel left behind.

Consequently, you may feel disappointed in your own relationship.

You might be dissatisfied with the stage you are at, or even start arguments with your partner about the relationship’s progression.

Aria is scrolling on Instagram and sees a post from her old school friend Mia. Mia has announced she is engaged to her partner, Nathan. Aria recalls that Mia and Nathan started dating several months after she and her own partner, Tyler, got together.

Aria now feels as if her relationship with Tyler is not progressing quickly enough. She starts ruminating on why Tyler has not proposed to her yet.

There is no such thing as ‘falling behind’. These milestones are not something every relationship should aim for.

Every relationship is different, so comparisons to what others are doing are not helpful.

Even if you genuinely want to reach specific relationship milestones, you should not race against others to get there.

7. People may use social media as a mask for their real struggles

For some couples who post on social media, they could be portraying an idealized relationship as a mask for their problems.

Some couples present a façade of constant happiness online. They may also project stability and romantic gestures while dealing with financial stress, conflict, infidelity, or a lack of genuine connection to each other.

If a couple is so consumed with portraying their relationship as perfect on social media, they might not be saving room for actual relationship growth outside of social media.

Social platforms give people control over their image. They can hide relationship troubles behind positive photos.

You never know the whole story from what a couple shows online. So do not assume that others have a perfect relationship based on what they choose to make public.

Contemporary Research

Newer research shows that social media is not simply bad for relationships. A 2021 meta-analysis pooled 53 independent datasets and 13,873 participants to test how different online behaviors relate to relationship quality (Coundouris et al., 2021).

The results depended on the behavior:

• Public, positive posting: posting couple photos or an accurate relationship status tended to go with greater relational security and quality.
• Monitoring and scanning: monitoring a partner or scanning for alternatives tended to go with poorer relationship quality.

Trust, commitment, and uncertainty about the relationship most consistently explained which way the link pointed.

One experiment suggests that comparison itself carries over. Participants viewed a fabricated Facebook profile of another couple. What they saw affected their reports of their own offline relationship and personal well-being, and how they interpreted it shaped the outcome (Morry et al., 2018).

It was a single study with a student sample on one platform, so it awaits replication.

Wider reviews add perspective. Across the studies in one review, most users reported never feeling worse after comparing themselves with others online (Valkenburg, 2022). Only a minority reported envy rather than enjoyment or inspiration. The distress described in this article is real, but it is not the typical experience.

How to stop comparing your relationship with those on social media

Research has suggested that those who are less likely to engage in relationship comparisons report higher relationship satisfaction (Gürsoy & Özkan, 2023).

Below are some steps you can take to help you disengage from comparisons on social media and focus on your own relationship satisfaction.

Limit time on social media

The simplest way to stop comparing your relationship with those seen on social media is to limit the time you spend on social media.

Limiting the amount of time you spend scrolling through posts about other people’s relationships will reduce the constant exposure to curated content that is often designed to elicit comparisons.

You will be less likely to judge your own relationship to the standard of others and have more time to focus on your partner.

Time on your phone matters too. Among 470 married adults, those who often spent more time on their phone than engaging with their partner had lower marital satisfaction (Wang & Zhao, 2023).

That link worked through how the couple interacted and how much conflict resulted.

Phone habits may hit some people harder. In a nine-day diary study of 196 partnered adults, people rated how much their partner phubbed them each day. Phubbing means ignoring your partner for your phone.

On days they felt phubbed more, people higher in attachment anxiety reported lower self-esteem and higher depressed mood, though not lower relationship satisfaction. They also reported more resentment and more retaliatory phone use, mostly to seek reassurance from others (Carnelley et al., 2026).

Identify specific triggers

What triggers you to start negatively comparing your relationship to others?

It can be helpful to determine what exactly you are sensitive to when it comes to viewing content about others’ relationships on social media.

The next time you feel pangs of envy or doubt when viewing a couple’s social media post, try to pinpoint exactly what triggered it.

• Is it the way the couple is looking deep into each other’s eyes?
• Is it the types of extravagant dates they are going on?
• Is it the caption proclaiming their undying love for each other?

An awareness of what triggers you can help you to avoid this pattern of making negative comparisons. You can counter these feelings by reminding yourself why you should not compare your relationship to those you see online. Then appreciate what you and your partner have.

Unfollow unhelpful accounts

If you find that you are constantly feeling triggered by seemingly perfect couples on social media, you can consider unfollowing accounts that regularly incite negative comparisons.

You can unfollow two kinds of account:

• Influencer couples: those who constantly post over-the-top romantic gestures and affection towards each other.
• Highlight-only friends: those who only share exciting highlights of their relationship but never the daily struggles.

By unfollowing accounts that frequently make you feel like your relationship is lacking, you may find the comparisons are reduced.

Instead, follow accounts that portray authentic relationships, ups and downs included. They are more relatable. They remind you that your relationship is normal. Seeing ordinary or struggling couples shifts your comparisons downward or sideways, which can reassure rather than deflate.

Be more present in your relationship

These steps should free up time. You can then be more present in your own relationship instead of being preoccupied with other people’s relationships.

Comparing your relationship with others is not helpful. You can still stay mindful of anything your relationship needs to grow.

For example, if you think your relationship would genuinely benefit from more regular date nights, you can work with your partner to make this happen.

Dates can be a great way to focus attention on each other and ask meaningful questions while engaged in an enjoyable activity.

But stay fully present on dates. Do not jump to share photos of the date on social media!

When you are focused on actively nurturing your own connection, you have less time to dwell on what others are doing or what others will think of your relationship.

Practice gratitude

Do not fall into the trap of comparing your relationship to couples on social media and fixating on what it lacks. Shift your mindset by intentionally appreciating your relationship’s strengths.

Make a daily habit of reflecting on your partner and what you are grateful for. You may even start to notice little behaviors that you did not pick up on before.

• Does your partner always try to make you laugh?
• Do they buy your favorite snack when they’re out?
• Are they supportive of your goals?

Voicing your gratitude to your partner shows that you notice their acts of love and can nurture your bond.

No relationship is continuously smooth, but having an attitude of gratitude can make it easier to work through conflicts.

Follow your own relationship path, whatever that may be

Instead of being an observer of other people’s relationship paths, focus on your own relationship timeline.

You may see friends on social media following the traditional trajectory of getting married and having children by a certain age. You and your partner need not do the same. You should not feel ‘left behind’ if you have not reached these milestones yet.

The healthiest of relationships follow natural growth based on the couple’s own values and goals, not external benchmarks.

Comparisons can lead to rushing. You may then reach important stages before you or your partner are ready.

So what is a better yardstick? According to Robert Sternberg’s (1986) triangular theory of love, a relationship can be judged by three internal components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. That standard does not depend on anyone else’s feed.

Let us think back to Aria, who felt her relationship with Tyler was not progressing fast enough after her friend recently got engaged. Instead of feeling the need to get engaged too, she could reflect on her relationship. She and Tyler may be happy as they are.

They may feel that marriage is not completely necessary for their relationship. If so, they should not feel pressured into taking this step just because others are.

Each relationship path is different. There is no right way or deadline that you must meet. Couples can decide on their own unique journey they want to take together.

References

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Carnelley, K. B., Hart, C. M., Vowels, L. M., & Thomas, T. T. (2026). Attachment, perceived partner phubbing, and retaliation: A daily diary study. Journal of Personality, 94(3), 431–445. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.70012

Coundouris, S. P., Tyson, C. L., & Henry, J. D. (2021). Social networking site use and relationship quality: A double edged sword. Computers in Human Behavior, 123, Article 106871. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2021.106871

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Morry, M. M., Sucharyna, T. A., & Petty, S. K. (2018). Relationship social comparisons: Your Facebook page affects my relationship and personal well-being. Computers in Human Behavior, 83, 140–167. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2018.01.038

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