Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of Love proposes that love is comprised of three fundamental, interrelated components: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment.

Three Components of Love

Within Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, he explains that there are three components of love:

1. Intimacy: This component involves feelings of closeness and connectedness, and includes the sharing of personal details, intimate thoughts, and emotions
2. Passion: This is the motivational drive relating to romance, physical attraction, and sex, often described as the “flame in the fire” of a relationship.
3. Decision/Commitment: Represents cognitive factors such as acknowledging that one is in love and committed to maintaining the relationship.

According to Sternberg’s theory, the balance of intimacy, passion, and commitment naturally shifts and evolves over the course of a relationship.

While passion tends to peak quickly before declining and leveling off, and commitment peaks and remains relatively stable, intimacy requires ongoing sharing and emotional connection.

Sternberg emphasizes that relationships are generally at their happiest and most stable when the strength and need of these various three components is similar between both partners.

According to Sternberg, these three components combine to produce different, distinct types of love.

8 Types of Love

According to Sternberg (1986), the 3 components (intimacy, passion, commitment) are fundamental to what love is and interact in different ways to create 8 types of love.

1. Nonlove: The complete absence of all three components.
2. Liking/Friendship: Features intimacy alone, without any passion or commitment.
3. Infatuation: Driven by passion alone, lacking both intimacy and commitment.
4. Empty Love: Consists of commitment alone, without intimacy or passion.
5. Romantic Love: Features passion and intimacy, but lacks long-term commitment.
6. Companionate Love: Combines intimacy and commitment but lacks passion, which is characteristic of close family relationships and deep friendships.
7. Fatuous Love: Combines passion and commitment without intimacy, such as what might be seen in a long-term sexual love affair.
8. Consummate Love: This is considered the ideal, healthy romantic relationship, occurring when all three components—intimacy, passion, and commitment—are present.

Relationships can become unbalanced if there is too great an investment in one component rather than the others or if one component is missing, such as romantic love (missing commitment) or companionate love (missing passion).

According to the theory, “true” (i.e., consummate) love is achieved when all three components are achieved.

1. Nonlove

• Components: None of the three components are present.

The first type of love that Sternberg introduces is nonlove, which is when none of the three components of love are present in a relationship.

According to Sternberg, nonlove can be seen in the “casual interactions” in our everyday lives and actually “characterizes the large majority of our personal relationships” (Sternberg, 1986, p. 123).

It characterizes our relationships with mere acquaintances, strangers, or strictly transactional contacts where there is no deeper personal connection, romantic interest, or long-term dedication.

These relationships and interactions contain a complete lack of love, as none of the components of love are involved.

2. Liking (also called friendship)

• Components: Intimacy only.

Liking is when the intimacy component of love is present in a relationship, but the passion and decision/commitment components are not.

According to Sternberg, liking involves feelings of “closeness, bondedness, and warmth toward the other, without feelings of intense passion or long-term commitment” (Sternberg, 1986, p. 123).

Liking can be seen in the relationships in our lives that we refer to as friendships.

Only friendships that lack the passion and decision/commitment components of love are considered to be the kind of love labeled as liking.

3. Infatuation

• Components: Passion only.

Infatuated love is a type of love that combines Passion (physical and romantic attraction) and Commitment (decision to maintain the relationship) but lacks Intimacy (deep connection and understanding).

This love type is often characterized by whirlwind romances driven by passion but lacking true depth.

Sternberg places “love at first sight” in this category of love, which according to him, involves “a high degree of psychophysiological arousal, manifested in somatic symptoms such as increased heartbeat or even palpitations of the heart, increased hormonal secretions, erection of genitals, and so on” (Sternberg, 1986, p.124).

This kind of love develops very quickly, without time for any intimate feelings to grow or for a commitment to be made.

Evolving into Other Forms of Love

For infatuation to grow into a more enduring relationship, the missing components must be developed.

• If the individuals begin to share their feelings and develop an emotional bond, the infatuation can evolve into romantic love (passion plus intimacy).
• If they hastily make a long-term pledge to each other based solely on their physical attraction, the relationship becomes fatuous love (passion plus commitment).
• If both intimacy and commitment are successfully cultivated alongside the existing passion, the infatuation can ultimately mature into the ideal, complete state of consummate love.

4. Empty Love

• Components: Commitment only.

Empty love is a specific type of relationship characterized entirely by the presence of decision/commitment, while completely lacking both intimacy and passion.

This type of love can commonly be found in some long-term relationships where the couple has lost feelings for one another.

To understand the specific dynamics of empty love, we can look at how these components interact:

• Presence of Commitment: The defining feature of empty love is that the partners have made a conscious, cognitive decision to stay together and maintain their bond over the long term. This provides the “in sickness and health” foundation of the relationship.
• Absence of Intimacy: What is completely missing is the emotional core of the relationship. The couple lacks true emotional closeness, connectedness, and the deep sharing of personal details, vulnerabilities, and intimate thoughts.
• Absence of Passion: Empty love also lacks the intense physical attraction, romance, and physiological arousal that typically draw individuals together—the element Sternberg describes as the “flame in the fire”.

When Does Empty Love Occur?

Depending on the context and culture, empty love can be either the final, deteriorating stage of a relationship or its very beginning:

• As an End Stage: In Western, individualistic cultures where relationships typically begin with passion and intimacy, empty love is often seen at the end of a stagnant, long-term relationship or marriage. Over time, the intense physical heat (passion) may fade, and if partners stop communicating and sharing their emotional lives (intimacy), these two components can disappear entirely. The partners are left with nothing but their initial commitment to each other, often staying together merely out of habit, duty, financial convenience, or for the sake of their children.
• As a Beginning Stage: Conversely, as noted in our earlier discussion on cultural variations, empty love can actually be the starting point for relationships in many collectivist societies. In cultures where arranged marriages are customary, the relationship is initially built upon a firm commitment dictated by family obligations and social contracts. At the time of the wedding, the couple may barely know each other, meaning intimacy and passion are absent. Therefore, the marriage begins as empty love, with the expectation that the partners will actively nurture and grow the intimacy and passion over time to eventually achieve a more complete form of love.

Relationship Dynamics

Because empty love relies on only one of the three pillars of Sternberg’s model, it is a highly restricted relational experience.

For an empty love relationship to become more fulfilling and transition into companionate love (commitment plus intimacy) or the ideal consummate love (commitment, intimacy, and passion), the partners must actively work to cultivate emotional closeness and physical attraction.

5. Romantic Love

• Components: Intimacy + Passion.

Romantic love is when the intimacy and passion components of love are present in a relationship, but the decision/commitment component is not.

This kind of love can also be thought of as “liking with an added element, namely, the arousal brought about by physical attraction and its concomitants” (Sternberg, 1986, p. 124).

Examples of Romantic Love

A classic example of romantic love is a summer romance, a passionate affair, or an early-stage dating relationship.

The individuals feel a deep emotional bond and intense physical desire for one another, but they are not yet actively committed to a shared future, a legal marriage, or a long-term partnership.

For a popular literary example of this kind of love, one can look at “Romeo and Juliet,” where the couple shares both intimate and passionate feelings towards one another but have made no real commitment to one another (Sternberg, 1986, p. 124).

Dynamics of Romantic Love

Because it lacks the stabilizing pillar of commitment, romantic love can be somewhat fluid and transitional.

Romantic love can be found towards the beginning of some long-term relationships before the involved parties have committed to a long-term relationship with the other person.

For romantic love to endure and mature into the ideal, healthiest state of consummate love, the couple must actively cultivate and establish the missing element of long-term decision/commitment.

Alternatively, if the intense physical heat of passion eventually fades as the relationship ages, but the couple decides to commit to their deep emotional bond, the relationship would transition into companionate love.

If the passion fades and no long-term commitment is ever made, the relationship might simply revert to liking (which relies on intimacy alone) or dissolve completely.

6. Companionate Love

• Components: Intimacy + Commitment.

Companionate love is a deep, enduring type of relationship that is defined by the combination of intimacy and decision/commitment, while lacking passion.

To understand the specific dynamics of companionate love, we can look at how these components interact:

• Presence of Intimacy: The relationship features a strong emotional core. Partners share a deep bond of affection, feel closely connected, and regularly share personal thoughts and feelings.
• Presence of Commitment: There is a firm, cognitive decision to stay in the relationship and a dedication to maintaining the bond over the long term.
• Absence of Passion: What is missing from companionate love is the intense physical attraction, romantic drive, or physiological arousal (such as a thumping heart and shortness of breath) that typically characterize the early stages of romance.

Examples of Companionate Love

Because it does not rely on sexual or physical desire, companionate love is the primary form of love characteristic of close, nonsexual friendships and deep family relationships.

Sternberg describes this type of love as “a long-term, committed friendship, the kind that frequently occurs in marriages in which the physical attraction (a major source of passion) has died down” (Sternberg, 1986, p. 124).

However, it is also incredibly common in romantic relationships.

As a relationship matures and ages, it is natural for the intense “heat” of physical passion to fade.

When this happens, a couple that once experienced consummate love (having all three components) or romantic love (intimacy and passion) may transition into companionate love.

In these long-term romantic relationships or older marriages, the intense physiological arousal has diminished, but great feelings of intimacy, affection, and commitment keep the partners happily bound together.

Cultural Values and Companionate Love

As discussed earlier in our conversation about cultural differences, companionate love is viewed and valued differently around the world.

While individualistic Western cultures (like the United States) often place a premium on passionate love, research indicates that couples in collectivistic cultures, such as China, tend to value companionate love far more highly.

In these societies, a tranquil, companionable bond rooted in mutual support, familial integration, and deep friendship is often considered the ultimate relationship goal.

7. Fatuous Love

• Components: Passion + Commitment.

Fatuous love is a specific type of relationship characterized by the combination of passion and decision/commitment, while entirely lacking intimacy.

To understand the dynamics of fatuous love, it is helpful to look at how these specific components interact:

• Presence of Passion: The relationship is heavily fueled by physical attraction, romance, and intense physiological arousal. This provides a strong, magnetic draw between the two individuals.
• Presence of Commitment: The partners have made a conscious, cognitive decision to stay together and maintain their bond over time.
• Absence of Intimacy: What is conspicuously missing is the emotional core of the relationship. The couple lacks true emotional closeness, connectedness, and the deep sharing of personal details, vulnerabilities, and intimate thoughts.

Because the intimate component of love takes time to develop, fatuous love relationships lack that aspect of love and their relationship may therefore be more likely to fail.

Examples of Fatuous Love

A classic example of fatuous love is a whirlwind romance where a couple meets and hastily commits to marriage or cohabitation based purely on overwhelming physical attraction.

Because the relationship moves so quickly, they commit to one another before they have had the opportunity to build a foundation of genuine emotional closeness.

Another common example provided in the literature is a long-term sexual love affair, where the partners remain committed to their sexual and romantic dynamic but never develop a deeper, emotionally intimate friendship.

According to Sternberg, fatuous love “is the kind of love we sometimes associate with Hollywood, or with whirlwind courtships, in which a couple meets on Day X, gets engaged two weeks later, and marries the next month”, where “a commitment is made on the basis of passion without the stabilizing element of intimate involvement” (Sternberg, 1986, p. 124).

Relationship Stability and Dynamics

Because fatuous love relies almost entirely on passion to sustain its commitment, it can be inherently fragile.

If the intense physical heat or romantic idealization begins to wane, and no emotional intimacy has been nurtured to bridge the gap, the relationship may become unstable.

To transition from fatuous love to what Sternberg considers the ideal, healthy relationship (consummate love), the couple would need to actively cultivate the missing element of intimacy alongside their existing passion and commitment.

8. Consummate Love

• Components: Intimacy + Passion + Commitment.

Consummate love is considered the ultimate, ideal form of a healthy romantic relationship.

It is the only type of love in Sternberg’s model that is characterized by the active presence of all three foundational components of the triangle: intimacy, passion, and commitment.

To fully understand consummate love, it helps to look at how the three individual pillars merge to create this complete relational experience:

1. Intimacy: This provides the emotional core of the relationship. It involves the deep sharing of personal details, intimate thoughts, and emotions, fostering a profound sense of closeness and connectedness between partners.
2. Passion: This provides the physical and romantic drive. It is the intense physical attraction between the partners, often colloquially described by Sternberg as the “flame in the fire” of the relationship.
3. Commitment: This provides the foundation for relationship longevity. It is the cognitive decision to maintain the relationship and the devotion to stand by the other person through “sickness and health”

Consummate love is considered the most complete and balanced form of love.

Nowadays, when one thinks of love, they are most likely thinking about consummate love.

Additionally, consummate love is seemingly the type of love that most people aim to find.

Outside of romantic interests, an example of consummate love can be found in many parents” love for their children, often dubbed “unconditional love”.

Achieving and Maintaining Consummate Love

While finding consummate love is often the primary goal for couples, maintaining it represents a significant ongoing challenge.

Because the three components naturally evolve at different rates, with passion typically peaking early and then declining, while intimacy and commitment take time to build and stabilize.

Couples must actively nurture all three areas of their relationship.

If any one of the components begins to fade without being restored, consummate love will gradually devolve into one of the lesser forms of love, such as companionate love if the physical passion completely fades away.

Critical Evaluation

Strength

Sternberg’s triangular theory of love provides a logical framework for understanding relationship stability: a relationship is likely to be maintained when both partners have similar requirements and capacities for these three components, whereas it is likely to break down when significant differences in these needs develop.

Because it clearly maps out these dynamics, the theory has notable practical usefulness, particularly in therapeutic settings.

Relationship counsellors can apply this cognitive model to help couples identify and articulate their feelings, revealing discrepancies between each partner’s relationship requirements and expectations.

Criticism 1: Ignoring the Broader Social Context

A major limitation of Sternberg’s model is that it is fundamentally a cognitive model that focuses almost exclusively on the internal, psychological states of the two individuals involved, thereby ignoring the broader social context.

Relationships do not exist in a vacuum, and the theory fails to account for external factors that can profoundly impact the quality and survival of a partnership.

For example, the model does not factor in the influence, behaviors, or pressures of the couple’s wider circle, including children, extended family, and friends.

Criticism 2: Limited Scope of Application

Critics also note that the theory is somewhat limited in its scope.

While the model is highly applicable when explaining the breakdown of formal, highly committed relationships such as marriages, it may not be as robust when applied to the vast and fluid spectrum of non-traditional or less structured human relationships.

Criticism 3: Cultural and Western Bias

Another significant critique is that Sternberg’s model is largely rooted in a Western, individualistic understanding of love and marriage.

The theory reflects a popular “Hollywood” conceptualization where passionate and romantic love are seen as essential prerequisites for forming a committed relationship,.

This framework is not universal.

In collectivistic cultures, particularly those where arranged marriages are common, the trajectory of the triangle is entirely different.

Certain cultures have specific concepts related to emotional closeness and connection that do not translate perfectly to the Western definitions of intimacy.

In these societies, decision/commitment is often established first, sometimes based on family networks (guanxi) and filial devotion (xiao) rather than personal passion, with the expectation that intimacy and love will develop over time.

• Amae (Japan): An extremely positive state of intimacy where one becomes a totally passive love object who is indulged and taken care of by their partner. This level of dependency is often viewed as unhealthy in Western relationships, but is cherished in Japan.
• Gan qing (China): A form of romantic intimacy that is achieved primarily through practical help and working for another person, such as fixing their bicycle or helping them learn.
• Jung (Korea): A concept that goes beyond standard definitions of love, describing a deep tie or connection that binds two people together. Jung takes time and shared mutual experiences to develop, and can even grow between business rivals who initially dislike each other.
• Yuan (China): The belief that interpersonal relationships and fate are predestined. This cultural framework means that couples often believe they have little control over the course of their relationship, leading to a greater acceptance of the suffering or tragedy that may accompany love.

Because the cultural background in which a person is raised heavily shapes their concept of love, prioritizing passion and intimacy as the primary drivers of commitment represents a cultural bias that does not apply globally.

Criticism 4: Methodological Challenges in Love Research

On a broader scientific level, theories of love like Sternberg’s face inherent methodological challenges.

Social psychologists face a daunting task when trying to scientifically measure and analyze complex, deeply subjective feelings like passion and intimacy.

Unlike studies of initial attraction where researchers can manipulate variables and randomly assign participants to different conditions, researchers cannot randomly assign people to be in long-term “lover” conditions.

As a result, evaluating the precise balance of Sternberg’s three components relies heavily on self-reported data and correlational studies, which can make it difficult to establish objective, scientific proofs for how love evolves over a lifetime.

References

Deverich, S. (2009). Love unveiled: Teenage love within the context of Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. Intuition, 5, 21-25.

Lemieux, R., & Hale, J. L. (1999). Intimacy, passion, and commitment in young romantic relationships: Successfully measuring the triangular theory of love. Psychological reports, 85 (2), 497-503.

Lemieux, R., & Hale, J. L. (2000). Intimacy, passion, and commitment among married individuals: Further testing of the triangular theory of love. Psychological Reports, 87 (3), 941-948.

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological review, 93 (2), 119.

Sternberg, R. J. (1987). Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories. Psychological Bulletin, 102 (3), 331.