You’re trying your hardest, putting yourself out there, and yet, dating can often feel like a brutal, exhausting competition.
A race to be the most attractive, the most successful, or the most “special” person in the room. This feeling is real and frustrating.
But according to Matthew Hussey, the renowned dating coach and relationship expert, this competitive mindset is the very thing holding you back from a truly great connection.
His insights reveal that the key to success in love isn’t about winning a person over; it’s about shifting your focus entirely: from seeking external validation to embracing self-acceptance.
This article will translate Hussey’s powerful strategy into simple, actionable steps to help you ditch the comparison trap and attract the healthy partnership you deserve.
The Hidden Reasons Dating Feels Like a Fight
Why do we fall into the competitive trap?
As Hussey explains, it stems from viewing relationships and people through a “vertical” lens.
We see potential partners, and even ourselves, as being either “above us or beneath us” on a hierarchical scale.
This immediately triggers a feeling of inferiority and a non-stop need to pursue superiority.
1. You’re Treating Your Partner Like “The Prize”
The moment you decide you like someone, you often unconsciously start viewing them as “the prize” you must win.
- This mindset instantly sacrifices your power and shifts the dynamic from an equal partnership to a contest.
- It often leads to an over-investment too early, driven by a scarcity mindset—the fear that this is your only option.
- We reinforce this vertical view by comparing external metrics like salary, job title, or height, which only strengthens the feeling of a competitive worth scale.
2. The Exhausting Pursuit of “Specialness”
In the noise of modern dating apps and social media, there’s immense pressure to stand out.
Hussey notes that this pursuit often comes from a simple, core insecurity: the inability to “accept one’s normal self.”
- The Flawed Strategy: You try to appear “special” by leading with external attributes—extravagant dates, wealth, or a glamorous lifestyle.
- The Unintended Result: You attract people who are only interested in those superficial qualities, not you.
- Insecurity Manifests: This competitive drive leads to insecurity, causing you to over-give or try to score a “perfect score” to prevent rejection. You’re constantly trying to bridge a perceived gap in your own value.
3. Seeking Validation Through Your Partner
For many, the motivation to date someone “special” (meaning highly sought-after or attractive) is an attempt to raise their own value in the eyes of others.
- This is an attempt to achieve validation through a partner, rather than finding it within yourself.
- This pressure is compounded by the feeling of being “behind” when comparing yourself to friends or siblings hitting life milestones.
- The overall effect is an “impossible competition” online, trying to prove you are more amazing than thousands of other profiles.
How To Win Without Competing
To escape the comparison trap, Hussey advocates for a radical internal shift. You must move from a place of fear and competition to one of self-acceptance and value.
1. Embrace the “Courage to Be Normal”
This is Hussey’s quiet rebellion against the attention-seeking culture of modern dating. The foundational requirement for this shift is unconditional self-acceptance.
- You Are Enough: You must recognize that you are “just fine as just you” and that you do not need to be special to deserve love.
- The Blending In Risk: When you stop prioritizing specialness (e.g., stop leading with money or extravagant gestures), you risk blending in.
- The Healthy Reward: But this allows you to attract a healthier, better-aligned person who values your actual character, not your performance.
2. Adopt a Horizontal View of Relationships
Stop seeing relationships vertically (superior/inferior).
Hussey encourages a horizontal view, where you recognize that everyone is equal and unique, possessing their own strengths and weaknesses.
- It’s Your Own Race: Life is not a competition where you’re running against others. You are only judging your own progress against your ideal self or where you were yesterday.
- Celebrate Others: When you eliminate competition, you can genuinely celebrate others’ successes—even your partner’s, because their achievements do not diminish your inherent value.
- Comrades, Not Competitors: This mindset transforms dating from a contest between enemies into a collaboration between comrades.
3. Prioritize Self-Sufficiency and Value Fit
Your power and confidence must come from within, not from whether a potential partner chooses you.
- Internal Safety: Your happiness and emotional safety should stem from practicing self-love and self-acceptance, not from a partner providing those feelings. You cannot fill an internal void with external validation.
- The Value Offer: Approach dating as if you are offering something of value, not trying to win a prize.
- Find Your Fit: Your goal is to find someone who recognizes your specific value and is looking for exactly that (this is called value fit).
- Let Them Go: If someone doesn’t choose you, they are simply not your person. Use their behavior to determine if they are right for you, instead of trying to control their actions.
4. Choose Consistency Over Intensity
Intense moments, like amazing chemistry or a passionate weekend, are not substitutes for sustained commitment and solid character.
- Stay Grounded: In the first few months of dating, it is vital to keep your feet on the ground and remain connected to the rest of your life.
- Measure Your Actions: Manage your energy and measure your actions, rather than being solely driven by intense, overwhelming feelings.
- Invest Wisely: As Hussey advises, you should focus your energy on things that are truly important in your life. Investing your energy in a committed, earned partnership frees up the rest of your energy for all your other important goals.
Next Steps: Your Non-Competitive Checklist 🚀
Matthew Hussey’s ultimate message is clear: you are not playing against other people; you are playing with them.
When you stop viewing others as competitors and genuinely focus on your own path and self-acceptance, you become far more magnetic, attracting relationships based on genuine alignment rather than perceived status.
Your Action Plan for Today:
- Self-Acceptance Audit: Write down 3 things you like about your “normal” self (not your achievements or external looks).
- Check Your Vocabulary: Stop using words like “win,” “score,” or “conquer” when describing a date or a person.
- Practice Celebration: The next time a friend or a partner succeeds, pause and genuinely celebrate their win without immediately comparing it to your own life.
- Value-Check: Before your next date, remind yourself: “I am offering value. My job is to see if this person recognizes and aligns with it.”
