Do you feel like modern dating is exhausting?
You aren’t alone.
We live in a world where we can order dinner, a car, or a movie instantly and without error.
When we face a misunderstanding or an awkward silence in our relationships, it feels like a “glitch” in the system.
We panic. We think, “If this was the right person, it wouldn’t be this hard.”
According to renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel, this expectation of a “frictionless” life is actually destroying our ability to connect.
We are trying to apply the logic of seamless apps to the messy reality of human emotions.
Esther Perel explains that the goal isn’t to find a partner who offers zero conflict.
The goal is to build the skills to navigate the messiness together.
Here is why the “perfect” relationship doesn’t exist, and why that is actually good news.
The “Everything” Partner: A Heavy Burden
In the past, marriage was a straightforward contract.
It was about duty, economic stability, and loyalty.
You had a partner for the household, but you had a whole village for everything else.
Today, Perel notes that the script has flipped. We have entered an era of “unprecedented expectations.”
We don’t just want a spouse.
We demand that one single person be our:
- Best friend
- Passionate lover
- Intellectual equal
- Co-parent
- Career coach
This is a massive burden.
Perel describes this as an “overburdened system.”
We are asking one person to give us the stability of a grandparent and the mystery of a stranger.
When our partner inevitably fails to be everything at once, the relationship crumbles under the weight of these impossible demands.
The Trap of “Algorithmic Perfection”
Why do we expect so much? Perel points to the technology we use every day.
We live in a world of predictive algorithms.
Your phone tells you where to drive to avoid traffic.
Netflix tells you exactly what you’ll enjoy watching. We are conditioned to expect “no friction.”
We have started “de-risking” our love lives the same way we automate our errands.
We want:
- Zero inconvenience: We swipe left on anything that looks difficult.
- Instant results: We want the “soulmate” connection immediately, without the work.
- Polished answers: We expect people to say the perfect thing, just like a scripted TV show.
As Perel explains, this desire to “smooth out the rough edges” turns intimacy into a flat, commercial process.
We are trying to optimize love for efficiency, but efficiency is the enemy of intimacy.
Why “Easy” Actually Kills the Spark
There is a major downside to a life without friction: boredom.
Perel’s research highlights a crucial paradox in modern love.
We want safety and predictability, but desire thrives on the unknown.
- Love seeks closeness and certainty.
- Desire needs space, mystery, and a little bit of an obstacle.
When you remove all the friction and obstacles, you “flatten” the relationship.
You lose the eroticism.
According to Perel, “attraction plus obstacle equals excitement.”
If your relationship feels perfectly safe, predictable, and frictionless, it might also feel dead in the bedroom.
We need a little bit of the “unknown” to keep the spark alive.
We Are Losing Our Emotional Skills
Perhaps the biggest danger of the “no friction” mindset is that it makes us emotionally weak.
When we treat people like apps – expecting them to work perfectly on demand – we lose our ability to handle conflict.
- We stop negotiating: Instead of working through a disagreement, we see it as a sign to leave.
- We lose nuance: We label people as “good” or “bad” based on one mistake.
- We panic: Because we aren’t used to struggle, small bumps in the road cause major anxiety.
Perel warns that this leads to a “contactless world.”
We avoid the messiness of real connection, leaving us unprepared to handle the inevitable unpredictabilities of life.
We are forgetting how to repair things when they break.
Conclusion: Embrace the Mess
The pursuit of a “flawless” partner is a trap.
It keeps you looking for something that doesn’t exist and stops you from appreciating the human being in front of you.
Real love isn’t about an algorithm that predicts your every need.
It is about two people negotiating, clashing, and growing. As Esther Perel suggests, we shouldn’t aim for a life without friction.
We should aim for the resilience to handle it.
Next Steps: Moving from “Perfect” to “Real”
If you find yourself judging your partner (or your dates) for not being “seamless,” try these steps inspired by Perel’s work:
- Check Your List: Are you looking for a partner, or a servant? Write down your expectations. If your list requires your partner to be your therapist, best friend, and financial planner, pick two roles they must fill, and outsource the rest to friends or professionals.
- Reframe Conflict: The next time you hit “friction,” don’t view it as a failure. View it as a chance to build the “repair muscle.” A relationship is defined by how you repair, not by how little you fight.
- Allow the Gap: Don’t try to fix every silence or awkward moment instantly. Let there be a little mystery. Allow your partner to be a separate person from you. That distance is where desire grows.
