Establishing clear boundaries and standards is the primary method for influencing how others perceive and treat you in a relationship.
Relationships often struggle not from a lack of love, but because partners fail to feel seen or understood within their personal limits.
Teaching others how to treat you requires a combination of self-awareness, the identification of “non-negotiables,” and the consistent application of relational intelligence.
Shift Your Focus
The universal factor in transforming your love life is shifting from seeking to be chosen to deciding who is worth your time.
You have the agency to influence how others perceive you by being the primary guardian of your own boundaries.
The Shift: Move from asking “Do they like me?” to “Is this behavior acceptable to me?”
Your job is simply to present who you are as an option; it is up to the other person to decide if they value it.
If they do not, they are simply not your person.
When you stop focusing on getting everyone to like you, you reclaim your power and start looking for a “teammate” rather than a judge.
Identify Your Core Standards and Non-Negotiables
Personal standards serve as a signpost that tells others how to value your presence in their life.
Relationship experts suggest that while some principles like kindness and respect are universal, most deal-breakers are highly individual.
- Audit External Influences: Evaluate if your deal-breakers are authentically yours or if they are based on the conditioning and values of friends or family.
- Define Tolerable versus Intolerable: Create a clear list of behaviors you will not accept, such as anger, selfishness, mixed messages, or a lack of interest in your well-being.
- Prioritize Internal Character: Focus on a partner’s character and how they navigate conflict rather than superficial traits like height or specific hobbies.
- Distinguish Wants from Needs: Identify what you truly need to feel fulfilled and connected rather than following arbitrary rules set by online dating culture.
- Amber Light Strategy: Challenging behaviors should be treated as “amber lights”: invitations to a conversation that will either reveal a “green light” (improvement) or a “red flag” (no change).
Establish Relational Safety Through Personal Responsibility
Healthy partnerships require individuals to cultivate internal security and self-reliance rather than expecting a partner to provide a missing sense of wholeness.
Jillian Turecki emphasizes that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, as this foundation determines how you interact with others.
When individuals lack self-acceptance, they often enter dating in a state of “massive expectation,” looking for external validation to soothe internal wounds.
To stop the cycle of disrespect, you must prioritize your own needs and boundaries as a single person. This includes:
- Developing Self-Reliance: Building a life that feels safe and purposeful independent of a romantic partner.
- Practicing Self-Acceptance: Offering yourself the grace and understanding that you seek from others.
- Develop Self-Awareness: Identify your own sabotaging patterns, such as trying to “fix” a partner’s mood because of your own past insecurities.
- Take Radical Responsibility: Acknowledge your role in choosing unavailable partners or ignoring red flags rather than viewing yourself as a perpetual victim.
