Emotional cheating involves forming an intimate emotional connection with someone outside of your relationship that violates the integrity of your primary relationship.
There can be a fine line between friendship and emotional cheating, and sometimes a friendship can develop into an emotional affair over time.
Friendship is a close relationship between people that’s based on emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy. Friends often share common interests and experiences and enjoy spending time together but there’s no sexual or romantic interest.
The main difference is intention. What is the intention behind this relationship? Friends have no intention of being sexually or romantically involved.
The other matter is transparency. If you’re hiding the relationship from your partner, what is the intention behind that?
If it were truly a platonic friendship, there would be no need to hide the relationship from your partner.
Let’s explore the differences between emotional cheating and friendship further.
emotional cheating Signs
Emotional cheating involves forming a deep, intimate bond with someone outside your committed relationship, often characterized by secrecy, romantic feelings, and prioritizing this connection over your partner.
It typically includes sharing vulnerabilities, fantasizing, and creating emotional distance that negatively impacts your primary relationship.
What’s considered emotional cheating often depends on a couple’s boundaries or rules.
Research looking into the definition of emotional cheating asked 379 participants to rate how much they agreed with the given definitions. The most highly rated definition for female participants was:
“Emotional infidelity is being “in love” or more dedicated emotionally to someone other than the partner, or family, – someone with romantic potential”
The most highly rated definition for male participants was:
“Emotional infidelity is when a person in a relationship creates an emotional distance by spending an excessive amount of time with, or thinks about, another person outside of the relationship, to the point that the other partner becomes ignored or rejected emotionally.”
Other definitions included:
- “Feeling romantic desire for another person so much that it’s harmful to the relationship”
- “Having a fantasy about another person sexual or otherwise”
- “Showing a vulnerable side that should only be seen by your partner”
Characteristics of emotional cheating:
- Keeping the relationship secret
- Intimate communication that competes with or replaces your partner
- Not mentioning your partner to the “friend”
- Sharing intimate details about your relationship, betraying your partner’s trust
- Sexual and/or romantic tension, including flirting
- Fantasizing about the “friend”
- Prioritizing the “friend” over your partner in time or thoughts
- Loss of interest in your current partner
- Developing romantic feelings for the “friend”
- Feeling guilty about the other relationship
- Dressing up specifically for meetings with the friend
For some, emotional cheating may also include:
- Forming new connections with strangers, especially online
- Sharing deep thoughts and fears with someone other than your partner
- Spending money on or going on dates with another person
- Meeting another for social activities, like drinks
What is a friendship?
Friendship is a close relationship based on mutual respect, emotional/practical support, shared interests, and platonic affection. Friends respect each other’s partners and don’t cross relationship boundaries.
Having friends is important, and people with high-quality social relationships are healthier and happier than those without.
Friendships are healthy for you personally as well as for your relationship. It’s beneficial to continue nurturing your friendships in a relationship as it allows you to maintain your identity and independence.
It’s unrealistic that your partner will give you everything you need. Expecting your partner to be your best friend, confidante, lover, business partner, and share all your interests puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship.
It’s healthier to spread it out a little with friends while ensuring that your romantic relationship receives enough love, attention, and care.
Therefore, healthy friendships are good for your well-being and can strengthen your romantic relationship – as long as they’re platonic and don’t damage the trust between you and your partner.
Though friendships are platonic, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve never imagined what it might feel like to sleep or be with them. The deciding factor is that when you imagine this, the thought is unappealing.
Other features of a friendship include:
- Appropriate intimacy: Sharing personal details and confiding in each other, but maintaining boundaries that respect existing romantic relationships.
- Balanced time investment: Spending quality time together without neglecting other relationships or responsibilities, and maintaining a healthy balance between in-person and virtual interactions.
- Platonic physical boundaries: Maintaining appropriate physical contact that doesn’t cross into romantic or sexual territory, respecting each other’s personal space and existing romantic commitments.
Emotional Affair vs Friendship
Emotional cheating involves hidden romantic feelings, secrecy, and blurred boundaries, damaging the primary relationship. Friendships are transparent, respectful of partners, and lack romantic intentions, providing support without undermining existing relationships.
Intention and Emotional Intimacy
- Friendship: the intention is for emotional and practical support, fun/ laughs, shared experiences, maybe discussing things you don’t with your partner, and following shared interests. They involve emotional, spiritual, or intellectual intimacy without any sexual or romantic feelings or intentions.
- Cheating: the intention is to fulfill something that’s missing from the relationship with someone you have a sexual or romantic interest in. You may not be acting on it but there’s tension and even flirting. The emotional intimacy you gain in this relationship is damaging your current relationship.
Secrecy and Transparency
- Friendship: the relationship is no secret and you’re entirely transparent about it with your partner. You don’t hide it when you speak to or meet up with them.
- Cheating: you hide the relationship from your partner or, if they know about this person, you hide how often you communicate, what you communicate about, and how you feel about that person. You may even hide your partner from your emotional affair partner.
Boundaries and Respect for the Relationship
- Friendship: boundaries are in place regarding sex and romance – you don’t even want to have sex or be romantically involved with them. A friend will respect your relationship and you’re respectful about your partner when you speak about them to your friends.
- Cheating: boundaries are blurred, and things might be edging into dangerous territory. You might speak negatively about your partner, share their secrets, and disrespect your partner that way.
Identify the line between friendship and an emotional affair
It can sometimes be a bit confusing to know whether you’re having an emotional affair or building a close friendship.
I’ll illustrate with the example of Sophia, a woman in her late 20s.
Sophia’s been in a relationship with her boyfriend for several years and they’re very happy together. While they share many interests, spirituality is not one of them and Sophia pursues this interest alone.
At a meditation class, she met a man called Nick and they instantly had a connection. They exchanged phone numbers and met up for a coffee a week or so later.
They spoke about spirituality and life for hours and Sophia felt so happy to finally have someone she could share this interest with (her other friends also don’t care much about spirituality).
Before she met up with him, she told her boyfriend about Nick, and he didn’t mind.
Now, Nick and Sophia meet up regularly, and sometimes Sophia feels like she can have deeper conversations with Nick than with her boyfriend.
Although she has no sexual or romantic interest in him, she’s started wondering whether what she’s doing is crossing a line and whether it’s wrong to meet up with another man she has such a good connection with.
Let’s break this situation down:
This situation falls into a grey area and whether it constitutes emotional cheating depends on several factors and personal boundaries within Sophia’s relationship including:
- Transparency: Sophia has been open with her boyfriend about Nick from the beginning, which is a positive sign. Emotional cheating often involves secrecy.
- Intent: Sophia doesn’t have romantic or sexual intentions towards Nick, which is crucial. Emotional cheating usually involves romantic feelings or attraction.
- Shared interest: The connection is based on a shared interest that Sophia’s boyfriend doesn’t share, rather than a general emotional intimacy that replaces her primary relationship.
- Frequency and depth: Regular meetups and deep conversations could be concerning if they start to take precedence over her relationship with her boyfriend.
- Comparison: The fact that Sophia is comparing the depth of conversations with Nick to those with her boyfriend could be a red flag if it leads to dissatisfaction in her primary relationship.
- Boundaries: It’s positive that Sophia is questioning whether this crosses a line, showing she’s mindful of maintaining appropriate boundaries.
While this situation doesn’t seem to fit the typical definition of emotional cheating, it could potentially develop into an issue if:
- Sophia starts hiding details of her interactions with Nick from her boyfriend.
- She begins to prioritize her time with Nick over her boyfriend.
- She develops romantic feelings for Nick.
- The relationship with Nick starts to negatively impact her primary relationship.
To ensure this friendship remains appropriate, Sophia should:
- Continue to be transparent with her boyfriend about her friendship with Nick.
- Set clear boundaries in her friendship with Nick.
- Ensure she’s not neglecting her relationship with her boyfriend.
- Be honest with herself about her feelings and intentions.
Ultimately, what constitutes emotional cheating can vary between relationships.
Sophia should have an open conversation with her boyfriend about their boundaries and expectations regarding friendships outside their relationship.
Is my partner having an emotional affair?
You might be feeling insecure about one of your partner’s friends and are wondering whether your partner might be having an affair.
What are some of the signs of emotional cheating? Consider the following questions:
- Do they seem more engaged when they’re talking to this person than with you?
- Are they always quick to respond to their texts/calls?
- Are they secretive about their communication/meeting with this person?
- Has your relationship changed for the worse since this person has been around?
- Are they spending a lot more time online and seem secretive about it?
- Do they seem to be in a better mood when they’re around their phone?
If you’ve noticed some of this going on, the best thing for you to do is to have a conversation with your partner to find out what’s going on. For example:
- “You’re spending a lot of time with this person; it’s making me feel distant from you”
- “I feel like this friendship is taking away from us”
- “I’m not sure you’re being honest with me about how much you talk to each other/ spend time together”
If they brush you off by saying, “We’re just friends” but you feel like boundaries are being crossed, it’s important to insist on having an honest conversation about your feelings and expectations.
You could ask questions like
- “Do you have sexual or romantic feelings for this person?”
- “How would you feel if I had a connection like that with someone else?”
The bottom line
Remember, the goal is to understand, not to accuse.
Listen to your partner’s responses without judgment. Listen to their side but also pay attention to how their actions align with their words.
This conversation can be an opportunity to discuss boundaries, address any unmet needs in your relationship, and strengthen your communication. If necessary, seek professional help.
How Emotional Cheating Impacts Relationships
Emotionally cheating on your partner can be just as damaging to the relationship as sexual infidelity.
Violating your partner’s trust is likely to elicit strong negative emotions in them such as anger and sadness. To many, it will feel like a deep betrayal.
Emotionally cheating will signal to your partner that you’re dissatisfied with the relationship and lack commitment and investment.
But instead of communicating about it, you emotionally “replaced” them with someone else, breaking their trust and sense of safety.
Consequently, your partner may
- Become very suspicious of all your friendships
- Feel paranoid about your whereabouts and activities
- Monitor your behavior due to feelings of distrust
- Feel insecure and resentful
Though couples can overcome breaches of trust and affairs, emotional cheating can have long-term consequences for the relationship and your partner, such as:
- Emotional and physical intimacy might be damaged due to lack of trust and security
- Your partner might seek revenge and have an affair of their own
- They might suffer from depression and anxiety, persistent emotional distress, or even trauma
- It might lead to a breakup
- Depending on the situation, it could lead to divorce, financial strain, and losing your family
The emotional bond between partners is what keeps the relationship healthy and fulfilling. If this has been violated and betrayed, it can have fatal consequences for the relationship.
How to Handle Emotional Cheating
Honest and open communication is the only way to save the relationship after an emotional affair.
Before you can heal, however, your partner must be clear about whether they still want the relationship or whether they want out.
If the emotional affair was a way out for them, then letting them go is the best thing to do however painful that might feel.
If they want to be with you and show true remorse, it’s possible to heal the relationship with patience and hard work.
Communicate openly
Relationship expert Esther Perel noted that people having an affair are often seeking excitement, validation, or emotional connection that’s missing from their primary relationship.
They might have felt their emotional needs weren’t being met, there wasn’t enough communication, or you were growing apart.
Therefore, to move forward, the person having the emotional affair must be transparent about what was driving the affair. What were they missing? What were they seeking?
Acknowledge the betrayal
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that both partners must acknowledge the breach of trust and pain caused by the emotional affair.
The partner who had the affair must take responsibility for their actions and lack of communication and show genuine remorse and a willingness to resolve the issue.
Boundaries
Emotional affairs stem from boundaries being crossed, therefore you and your partner must talk about and define what’s appropriate in your relationship.
Setting boundaries after an affair (sexual or emotional) is vital. That might include cutting off all contact with the affair partner, taking some time apart, and going to therapy together.
You might want your partner to be more transparent about their phone usage if the affair took place online.
Moving forward and forgiveness
The author of the book After the Affair, Dr. Janis Abrahams Spring, notes that forgiveness is a process and doesn’t happen overnight.
The hurt partner needs time to heal and the unfaithful partner must continue to demonstrate commitment and accountability.
Both partners need to have patience and actively work on finding ways to move forward if they want the relationship to heal.
That also means that real change needs to happen in the relationship. Negative patterns, neglect, lack of emotional intimacy, unclear boundaries, and other issues must be addressed to move forward.
Professional help
Navigating affairs alone can be challenging.
A trained therapist can help both partners communicate effectively, express their needs, and rebuild emotional intimacy. It can help couples to work through their feelings of guilt, anger, or insecurity.
Dealing with a potential Boundary-Crossing
If you’re concerned a friendship might be crossing the line or turning into emotional cheating, it’s important to take action and set boundaries.
Set clear boundaries with your friend
Have a conversation with your friend to ensure that you’re both looking for a platonic friendship and neither of you is interested in anything sexual or romantic.
If your friend is looking for more than friendship, it’s probably best to end the relationship out of respect to your partner.
Be clear about what you want
Be honest with yourself about your feelings for this friend. If you notice you have feelings for them and it’s more than just a friendship, consider your options.
You might want to pursue this relationship; in which case you should have a conversation with your partner and potentially end that relationship.
If you don’t wish to pursue it, consider whether it might be fairer for your partner to end the friendship.
Think about how you would feel if the tables were turned, and you found out your partner was having an emotional affair?
What would you expect them to do if they realized they had feelings for their friend?
Communicate with your partner
There’s no reason to hide your friendships from your partner.
Talking openly about your friends means you’re being honest and transparent and aren’t giving your partner reason to doubt your faithfulness.
If they feel insecure about you having a friend from the opposite sex (for example), you should talk about that and find out why that is.
