Key Points
- People often try to influence others’ emotions – sometimes to help, sometimes to protect themselves.
- Attachment style shapes these motives: anxious people focus on approval and self-comfort, avoidant people report less benefit from interactions.
- Trying to cheer someone up can boost both emotional and relational well-being, but motives like creating distance tend to backfire.
- Everyday contexts matter more than personality alone – why we help shifts moment to moment.
The Hidden Motives Behind Comforting a Friend
Imagine this: your friend bursts into tears after a tough exam.
You quickly crack a joke, offer a pep talk, or simply sit quietly beside them.
But why do you act the way you do? Is it to ease their pain – or to calm your own discomfort in the face of their sadness?
A new daily-life study sheds light on this very question, showing that our deeper relationship patterns – our attachment style – quietly steer why and how we manage others’ feelings.
Tracking Emotions in Real Time
Researchers at Washington University used a method called experience sampling. Instead of relying on memory, they pinged 211 college students several times a day for a week.
Each time, students reported their most recent social interaction, why they tried to shift the other person’s feelings, and how it left them feeling afterward.
This approach captures emotion regulation in the wild, whether it was cheering up a roommate, calming a sibling, or smoothing over tension with a romantic partner.
Why We Step In: Motives That Drive Us
The study found that people manage others’ emotions for different reasons:
- Prohedonic motives: trying to boost positive feelings, either in themselves or the other person.
- Impression management: wanting to look good or be liked.
- Relationship motives: maintaining closeness or, at times, creating distance.
- Emotional similarity: trying to get on the same emotional wavelength.
These motives shift across situations. You might try to cheer up your best friend after a breakup but keep a professor’s frustration at bay during office hours.
Attachment Anxiety: Seeking Comfort and Approval
Students high in attachment anxiety – those who fear rejection and crave reassurance – were more likely to regulate others’ emotions for self-comfort or to manage impressions.
In other words, they weren’t just focused on helping their partner feel better.
Their efforts often had an undercurrent of “If you’re okay, maybe I’ll feel safer too.”
Attachment Avoidance: Struggling to Benefit
By contrast, students higher in attachment avoidance – those uncomfortable with closeness – reported fewer benefits from regulating others’ feelings.
Even when they did step in, they were less likely to feel emotionally uplifted or closer afterward.
For them, managing another person’s emotions seemed more draining than rewarding, reinforcing their tendency to keep distance.
The Surprise Role of Moment-to-Moment Shifts
Interestingly, the researchers found that context mattered more than personality.
Day to day, when anyone – regardless of attachment – acted with motives like cheering others up or maintaining the relationship, they walked away feeling better and more connected.
On the flip side, motives like creating distance or making someone feel worse were tied to drops in both mood and closeness.
So even though attachment sets a baseline, what we choose to focus on in the moment strongly shapes how we feel afterward.
Why It Matters
This research highlights a subtle truth: managing others’ feelings isn’t just about them—it’s about us too. The motives we bring into an interaction can either strengthen bonds or quietly erode them.
For everyday readers, this means noticing why you’re stepping in.
Are you cheering your partner up to genuinely support them – or to ease your own discomfort? Simply becoming aware of these motives can open space for healthier, more authentic connections.
For clinicians, the study underscores the value of exploring clients’ interpersonal emotion regulation habits.
Helping anxiously attached individuals shift from impression management to genuine care may ease their relational strain.
For avoidant clients, building comfort with closeness could allow them to reap more of the benefits of supportive interaction.
The Takeaway
When you reach for a comforting word or a well-timed joke, you’re not just regulating someone else’s feelings – you’re revealing your own attachment blueprint.
But the good news is this: motives are flexible. Choosing to focus on connection and care, even in small daily moments, can boost both your mood and your relationships.
Reference
Springstein, T., Hamerling-Potts, K. K., Landa, I., & English, T. (2023). Adult attachment and interpersonal emotion regulation motives in daily life. Emotion, 23(5), 1281–1293. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001169
