People with ADHD are prone to impulsive decision-making which can have significant consequences in romantic relationships such as breaking up with a partner without fully considering the long-term implications.
Research suggests that individuals with ADHD may experience difficulty regulating their emotions and inhibiting impulsive behaviors which can contribute to them making sudden, emotionally driven decisions in relationships.
Impulsive break-ups can result in feelings of regret and heartbreak for the person with ADHD, as well as confusion and devastation for the partner that has been broken up with.
Finding ways to manage the sudden impulse to break up can help to ensure a well-thought-out decision is made before ending a relationship for good.
Traits of ADHD that can impact relationships
Below are some traits of ADHD that can impact romantic relationships:
Emotional Dysregulation
Difficulties managing emotions is a core aspect of ADHD which can contribute to impulsive relationship decisions.
This can manifest as experiencing emotions more intensely, emotional outbursts, and challenges calming down when upset or angry.
Executive Function Challenges
Executive function challenges, a key aspect of ADHD, play a significant role in impulsive breakups.
Difficulties can manifest as impaired ability to remember important information, difficulties planning and organizing relationship activities, problems with time management, and challenges maintaining attention during conversations.
Rejection Sensitivity
Rejection sensitivity is a common experience for individuals with ADHD, contributing to heightened emotional reactions in relationships.
Being sensitive to rejection can mean that people with ADHD may become very upset by perceived or real criticism.
They can tend to misinterpret neutral interactions as negative, have a deep-seated fear of abandonment, and might choose to escape situations to avoid any potential rejection.
Common triggers for Impulsive break ups
Several situations can trigger impulsive breakup decisions in individuals with ADHD:
Feeling overwhelmed or criticized
Feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or perceiving a slight from their partner can trigger an urge to end the relationship.
For example, someone with ADHD may perceive their partner pointing out that they forgot to lock the front door before going to bed as a personal attack on their character.
Misunderstandings
Communication difficulties such as speaking without thinking or being distracted when a partner is speaking could result in miscommunications, creating resentment.
For instance, a person with ADHD might be distracted during a conversation about weekend plans, miss important details, and then make conflicting arrangements, leading to frustration and resentment from their partner.
Confrontations or feeling questioned
When confronted or questioned, individuals with ADHD may react impulsively due to emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, or difficulty with conflict.
An example could be a partner asking about missed chores, leading the person with ADHD to feel attacked and impulsively suggest ending the relationship rather than addressing the issue calmly.
Perceived relationship issues
Individuals with ADHD might interpret normal relationship fluctuations or minor disagreements as major problems, leading to hasty breakups.
For example, if their partner is busy with work for a week and has less time for communication, the person with ADHD might catastrophize this as a sign the relationship is falling apart, rather than seeing it as a temporary situation.
Conflict avoidance
Difficulties in managing emotions may mean that some people with ADHD find it difficult to deal with conflict and may choose to escape as a coping mechanism.
An illustration of this could be a person with ADHD noticing growing tension over financial decisions but choosing to abruptly end the relationship rather than face the difficult conversations needed to resolve the issue.
Relationship boredom
People with ADHD may be prone to experiencing boredom in relationships due to their need for novelty and stimulation.
This can lead to challenges in maintaining relationship satisfaction and potentially trigger impulsive breakup decisions.
For example, a person with ADHD might lose interest in regular date nights at home, interpreting their boredom as a sign that the relationship has become stale, and impulsively suggest breaking up instead of working with their partner to introduce more variety into their shared activities.
The Impulsive Breakup Cycle
Individuals with ADHD may experience a recurring pattern of impulsive breakup attempts, which can be described as follows:
- Trigger event occurs (conflict, criticism, or feeling overwhelmed)
- Emotional intensity increases rapidly
- Executive function becomes overwhelmed
- Impulsive decision to end relationship is made
- Acting without considering long-term consequences
- Potential regret and relationship instability follows
This cycle is often characterized by intense, in-the-moment reactions followed by a return to baseline emotions and thought patterns. As one individual with ADHD explains:
“In the heat of the moment, I took something said or done or implied in a direction that the other person did not intend. Being that I am driven completely by impulse, I (over) react with wanting to get away as I feel that I am not wanted… Then after some time passes and there has been conversation, then I realize that I took my response too far.”
“Yan”
This quote illustrates how quickly the cycle can progress from a trigger event to an impulsive reaction, followed by later regret. Another person describes a similar experience:
“When I get super overwhelmed or feel criticized or stressed or perceive some slight from my wife, I try to end the relationship. In the moment I’m convinced our relationship is terrible/not the right thing. Then once I’m regulated again I don’t feel that way at all.”
“Aidan”
This cyclical nature can create significant instability in relationships. The person with ADHD may repeatedly threaten to end the relationship during emotional peaks, only to retract these statements once they’ve calmed down.
This pattern can be confusing and distressing for both partners, potentially eroding trust and security in the relationship over time.
Managing the urge to impulsively break up
Below are some tips for helping to manage the urge to impulsively break up with your partner. Keep in mind that it can take a lot of time and patience to manage and unlearn impulsive actions.
- Recognize conflict patterns: Identify your typical reactions to conflict, whether it’s avoidance or escalation. Awareness is the first step to changing these patterns.
- Develop a “cooling off” strategy: When you feel the urge to break up, implement a pre-determined “cooling off” period. This could be a few hours or a day, giving you time to regulate your emotions and gain perspective.
- Communicate your needs: Openly communicate your fears and sensitivities to your partner, creating a safe space for understanding.
- Choose the right time: Avoid having serious conversations when you’re feeling emotionally charged or distracted. Find a calm and focused time to discuss important matters.
- Plan more excitement: To combat boredom, openly discuss your need for novelty and stimulation with your partner, finding ways to incorporate excitement into your shared lives.
- Consider therapy: If you find it challenging to recognize and manage your impulsiveness on your own, consider speaking to a professional or consider couple’s counseling.
Please also remember that these tips are to be used as general guidance and may not always work for everyone with ADHD.
Tips for partners of people with ADHD
For a relationship where one person has ADHD, understanding and compassion are important for both partners.
Below are some general pieces of advice for partners to employ:
- Remember it’s not intentional: ADHD-related behaviors are often not intentional or malicious. Viewing these behaviors through a lens of understanding rather than blame can reduce conflict and resentment.
- Use clear and concise language: Avoid ambiguity and be direct in your communication to minimize misunderstandings.
- Celebrate successes and progress: Acknowledge and celebrate your partner’s efforts and achievements, even small ones. This builds confidence and motivation.
- Don’t blame or shame: For example, instead of saying “You always forget to do your chores” you could rephrase as “Let’s work together to find a method that will help ensure the chores get done.” This shifts the conversation from a perceived attack to a problem-solving opportunity.
- Express your needs: It can be hurtful if your partner keeps wanting to impulsively break up so make sure you express this in a way that is also getting your needs met, using “I” statements and a calm but clear tone of voice.
Building a supportive and empathetic partnership can significantly contribute to managing impulsive behaviors and nurturing a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
References
Barkley, R. A. (2011). The important role of executive functioning and self-regulation in ADHD.
Russel A. Barkley. http://www.russellbarkley.org/factsheets/ADHD_EF_and_SR.pdf
Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2020). Self-compassion and perceived criticism in adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Mindfulness, 11, 2506-2518. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01464-w
Beaton, D. M., Sirois, F., & Milne, E. (2022). Experiences of criticism in adults with ADHD: A qualitative study. Plos one, 17(2), e0263366. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0263366
Dodson, W. W., Modestino, E. J., Ceritoğlu, H. T., & Zayed, B. (2024). Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria in Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: A Case Series. Neurology, 7, 23-30.
Huynh-Hohnbaum, A. L. T., & Benowitz, S. M. (2022). Effects of adult ADHD on intimate partnerships. Journal of Family Social Work, 25(4-5), 169-184. https://doi.org/10.1080/10522158.2023.2165585
