Children who have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style are described as being distressed when their caregiver leaves them but are then inconsolable on their return. Anxious-ambivalent children fear abandonment but cannot trust their caregiver to be consistent.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment is one of the insecure attachment styles proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s.

How Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Differs from Other Attachment Styles

Anxious-ambivalent attachment differs significantly from other insecure attachment patterns such as avoidant and disorganized attachment.

While anxious-ambivalent children crave closeness but respond inconsistently—seeking yet resisting caregiver reassurance—avoidant children typically maintain emotional distance and minimize reliance on caregivers. They appear indifferent during separations and reunions.

In contrast, disorganized attachment features inconsistent and often confused behaviors, including fear or contradictory reactions toward caregivers, typically resulting from experiences of trauma or severe caregiver dysfunction.

Recognizing these distinctions helps caregivers and professionals accurately identify anxious ambivalent attachment, tailoring appropriate supportive responses and interventions to address specific attachment challenges.

Signs of Ambivalent Attachment

Some of the key traits that a child may have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style include:

Clinging to caregivers
A fear of strangers
Extreme distress when separated from their caregivers
Inconsolable when upset – not easily comforted
Poor relationships with other children
Limited exploration of their environment
Difficulty regulating and controlling negative emotions
Appearing anxious in general

Below is a deeper look at some of the key traits:

A 9-panel infographic titled signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment in children, with different signs in each coloured box including clinging to caregivers, fear of strangers, and distressed at separation.

Anxious at separation

A child who is anxious-ambivalent finds it very difficult to let go of their caregivers at times of separation.

They may refuse to go to school or be cared for by anyone other than their primary caregiver and display extreme signs of distress when separation occurs.

Examples:

Crying, screaming, or clinging to a parent when dropped off at school.
Refusing to go to sleepovers without parents.

It is common for children with an anxious-ambivalent attachment to develop separation anxiety disorder (SAD). This is an anxiety disorder generally diagnosed in early childhood.

Rejecting of caregiver

The child often rejects the caregiver when they return to the child.

The child may feel hurt, rejected, and angry, holding onto this sadness no matter what comfort comes from the caregiver.

Examples:

Pushing parent away.
Turning away from parent when they return from work.
Not making eye contact with parent after reuniting.

The anxious-ambivalent child may be very hard to please, and nothing anyone does is right for them.

Limited exploration

Anxious-ambivalent children are often insecure about exploring their world. They may find it hard to go off and play on their own without seeking constant reassurance and attention from their caregiver.

Examples:

Only playing on playground equipment closest to the teacher.
Not joining groups or activities without a familiar peer present.

They may appear unsociable and find it hard to make friends with peers.

Attention-seeking

In an attempt to remain connected to their caregiver, the child may have to rely on emotional strategies as a way to seek attention (Grady et al., 2021).

They may be so concerned with trying to gain and maintain the attention of the adults that they may also struggle to focus and absorb instructions, and they may repeatedly ask questions to ensure they have been noticed.

Once they have their caregiver’s attention, they are usually unwilling to let them go for fear that they will not get them back.

Reliance on others

Anxious-ambivalent children are often too anxious to do anything alone and may constantly ask for help. This can include always wanting to have a safe person with them wherever they go.

Moreover, these children are not able to regulate their own needs and may often rely on others to regulate them.

Examples:

Asking a teacher or friend to tie their shoes.
Needing a parent or sibling present to fall asleep at night.

Cause of Ambivalent Attachment

Some of the possible causes of an ambivalent attachment style include the following:

Inconsistent parenting

Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but not at other times. At other times, the caregiver may be cold, insensitive, or emotionally unavailable.

The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver who is always sending them mixed signals.

This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to predict what their parent’s behavior is going to be at any given time, resulting in elevated insecurity and anxiety.

Emotional distance

A caregiver who is emotionally distant or neglectful can leave a child feeling insecure and unstable.

If a caregiver is not meeting the emotional needs of the child, especially when they are distressed or anxious, these feelings are likely to worsen.

If a caregiver is neglectful of a child’s needs, the child is likely to develop an insecure attachment style.

Intrusive parenting

An intrusive caregiver may have poor emotional boundaries, intrude on the child’s state of mind, and can be overbearing.

The child may feel smothered by the caregiver and that they do not have enough room to grow or be themselves.

Intrusive parenting can also include mirroring the child. This is where the caregiver reflects on how the child is feeling, amplifying the child’s negative reaction rather than soothing it.

For instance, if a child is anxious, the caregiver becomes anxious; when the child cries, the caregiver also cries.

Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’

When caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs, this is known as fulfilling their ‘emotional hunger.’

If the caregiver is using the child to satisfy their own needs, they may be neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs.

They may also replace actual love and affection for their child with using the child to feed their own needs.

The child, therefore, does not get their needs met and may go on to put everyone else’s needs above their own as they get older since this is what they have been used to doing.

Anxious-ambivalent caregivers

It is likely that if a child has an anxious-ambivalent attachment style, their caregiver also has this attachment style.

This is not likely due to genetic reasons; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations.

Without addressing the insecure attachment of the child, they may grow up to have a child who is also anxious-ambivalent.

Broader Context and Risk Factors

Socioeconomic stressors, such as poverty or housing instability, can heighten parental stress and lead to inconsistent caregiving behaviors.

Trauma, including experiences of family conflict, parental loss, or witnessing violence, can also disrupt a child’s sense of security, further exacerbating attachment insecurities.

Additionally, cultural expectations around emotional expression and caregiving practices can affect attachment outcomes.

For instance, some cultures emphasize communal caregiving, which may influence the child’s experience of caregiver consistency.

Recognizing these wider contexts helps caregivers and professionals better understand and address the multifaceted nature of attachment challenges.

Anxious Ambivalent Attachment Impact on Mental Health

Children with anxious-ambivalent attachment often struggle to regulate their emotions, leading to poor psychological adjustment (Scott Brown & Wright, 2003).

This attachment style has been associated with several mental health problems in adolescence and adulthood.

Studies have found links between anxious-ambivalent attachment and depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, histrionic and borderline personality disorders, and suicidal ideation (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012).

Compared to children who were securely attached in infancy, children who are anxious-ambivalent may have higher levels of school phobia and social phobia later in childhood (Bar-Haim et al., 2007).

Likewise, those with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style as an infant may be at a higher risk of being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in late adolescence (Warren et al., 1997).

Attachment theory proposes that early inconsistent caregiving leaves individuals with anxious ambivalent attachment prone to hyperactivating strategies involving exaggerating distress to elicit care (Kobak & Cole, 1994).

This constant hypervigilance and focus on threats is thought to contribute to anxiety disorders and other mental health problems (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012).

Overall, research indicates that the problems with emotion regulation stemming from anxious ambivalent attachment put individuals at higher risk for multiple types of psychopathology.

Practical Strategies for Caregivers

Supporting a child with anxious ambivalent attachment involves consistent, reassuring, and emotionally responsive interactions. Here are practical strategies caregivers can implement:

1. Maintain Consistency and Predictability

Children with anxious ambivalent attachment thrive on consistency. Establish predictable routines for daily activities, such as meals, bedtime, and playtime.

For example, clearly communicate plans in advance: “After your bath, we will read your favorite bedtime story, then it’s time to sleep.” Consistency reduces uncertainty and anxiety, reinforcing trust and security.

2. Validate and Acknowledge Feelings

Validate your child’s emotions without dismissing or minimizing them.

For instance, if your child becomes distressed at separation, acknowledge their feelings: “I know it makes you sad when I leave, and that’s okay. I’ll be back soon, and you’ll be safe until I return.”

This validation helps children feel understood, building their emotional resilience.

3. Respond Calmly and Patiently to Distress

Children exhibiting anxious behaviors may have intense emotional reactions. Remain calm and offer patient reassurance rather than reacting negatively.

For example, if a child resists reconnection after separation, patiently remain close, offer gentle reassurance (“I’m right here when you’re ready for a hug”), and wait for them to approach you at their own pace.

4. Foster Independence Gently

Support gradual independence by encouraging exploration within secure boundaries. Provide gentle encouragement and praise for small steps taken independently.

For example, if your child is hesitant to join peers on the playground, gently encourage participation: “I’ll be right here watching you. Let’s try playing for five minutes.”

Praise efforts afterward to reinforce their confidence.

5. Model Secure and Healthy Emotional Responses

Demonstrate healthy emotional expression and coping skills. Clearly model and explain your own emotional regulation: “I felt a bit worried today, so I took deep breaths to calm down.”

Children learn emotional strategies through observation, aiding them in developing their own emotional management skills over time.

References

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