Making friends as an adult is hard enough, and adding social anxiety can make it feel almost impossible.
If you struggle with social anxiety, you might worry what others think, fear saying the wrong thing, or avoid social situations altogether. You’re not alone – many people feel the same way.
The good news is that having social anxiety doesn’t mean you can’t form real, meaningful friendships. It might take patience and practice stepping out of your comfort zone, but making friends is possible – even if you feel anxious every step of the way.
Understand the Challenge
Social anxiety often causes an intense fear of being judged or rejected in social settings, which is why making friends can feel so daunting.
You might notice your heart racing or your mind imagining worst-case scenarios (like “They’ll think I’m weird”) even before an interaction.
Remember, these anxious thoughts are symptoms of social anxiety – not objective truths about you.
It’s not that you’re incapable of friendship; your brain is just on high alert to protect you from embarrassment.
Remind yourself that social anxiety is common and treatable. How you feel now isn’t permanent – with time and practice, it can change.
Preparing for Social Situations (Beforehand)
Easing your anxiety before you socialize will help you actually take the leap to meet people. Try these tactics prior to an interaction:
Challenge negative thoughts
Social anxiety may tell you things like “No one will like me” or “I’ll definitely mess up.” Practice catching those thoughts and questioning them.
Ask yourself, “Do I know that for sure?” Then reframe them into more positive or realistic ones.
For example, instead of “I always make things awkward,” tell yourself, “I might feel awkward, but others probably won’t judge me for it.”
This kind of cognitive reframing can take away some of anxiety’s power.
Take small steps outside your comfort zone
Avoiding all social situations keeps you stuck, so start with small, manageable interactions to build confidence.
Even saying hello to a neighbor or chatting briefly with a cashier is progress. Each small step teaches you that you can handle social contact, and you can gradually work up to bigger social challenges as your comfort grows.
Prepare and practice calming strategies
It helps to have a plan. Think of a couple of easy topics or questions beforehand (for example, commenting on your surroundings or asking about the other person’s hobby) so you feel more ready to start a conversation (BUT, be careful not to overprepare).
Also, use relaxation techniques before you go out – try a few deep breaths or a short meditation to center yourself. Taking slow, calming breaths can steady your nerves and signal your body to relax.
By preparing some conversation starters and calming yourself, you set yourself up to enter the social situation a bit more confidently.
Finding Opportunities to Meet People
Another challenge is figuring out where to meet potential friends, especially in ways that won’t overload your anxiety.
Look for low-pressure environments where conversation happens more naturally. For example:
Join groups or classes around your interests
When you share an interest with others, it’s easier to start conversations. Consider a book club, gaming meetup, exercise class, or any hobby group you’d enjoy. Focusing on an activity together takes the pressure off.
Simply showing up to a regular group activity can help friendships form naturally over time.
Start with people you know (a little)
You don’t always have to approach total strangers. You could reach out to a coworker, classmate, or neighbor you already know in passing.
Invite one of them for a casual coffee or lunch. Building on an existing acquaintance can feel safer since you have some rapport already, and it might gradually grow into a closer friendship.
Try friend-making apps – but plan to meet up
Apps like Bumble BFF or Meetup can connect you with people who are also looking for friends. They’re a great way to find potential pals from home, but don’t get stuck only texting.
After chatting with someone new, suggest a short meet-up in a public place (like grabbing a coffee).
Face-to-face interaction is where real friendships form. It may be nerve-racking, but meeting in person helps turn an online acquaintance into a real-life friend.
Say “yes” to invitations
If someone invites you to a gathering or event, challenge yourself to accept at least occasionally, even if your instinct is to decline.
You might meet new people through mutual friends or just enjoy being around others. If it feels overwhelming, plan to stay just for an hour or so as an “exit plan.”
Pushing yourself to be present (even briefly) gives you chances to connect. The more you practice saying yes (within your limits), the easier it can become.
Tips for Socializing (During Interactions)
When you’re actually in a conversation or social setting, anxiety might spike. Here are ways to manage anxious feelings during interactions and help you connect:
Focus on the other person
Rather than fixating on your own anxiety, focus on the person you’re talking to. By concentrating on what they’re saying (instead of on your worries), you’ll feel less stuck in your head.
People also appreciate a good listener. Asking open-ended questions (like “How did you get into this hobby?”) can get them talking and help the conversation flow naturally.
Use small talk to break the ice
Don’t worry if the conversation starts with simple topics like the weather or “How was your weekend?”
Small talk might feel trivial, but it’s a useful way to warm up and find common ground. It might reveal common ground that sparks a deeper discussion.
You could discover shared interests that lead to more engaging topics. You don’t need to say something profound with every sentence – friendly and attentive is enough.
Allow the conversation to develop at its own pace.
Stay present and be kind to yourself
If you notice your mind racing with self-critical thoughts (“I must look so awkward”), gently shift your focus back to the moment.
Ground yourself by noticing something around you – e.g. the taste of your drink or the background music – to avoid getting lost in your head.
Remind yourself that it’s okay to be a bit nervous. The other person likely isn’t observing you as harshly as you are.
If you start feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to excuse yourself for a minute to breathe and then return.
You don’t have to be perfect – being genuine and interested is far more important than being smooth.
After Socializing: Coping with Post-Event Anxiety
For many people with social anxiety, the worrying continues after the interaction. You might replay the conversation in your head, overthink, and judge yourself harshly.
This “post-mortem” can sour your experience and discourage you from future outings. To handle anxiety after socializing:
Don’t beat yourself up
Resist the urge to criticize yourself for things you think you did “wrong.” Social anxiety can exaggerate minor awkward moments into big disasters in your mind.
In reality, that joke that fell flat or the fact you stumbled on a word is no big deal to anyone else. Instead, give yourself credit for what went right (e.g., “I introduced myself today — that was brave.”).
Chances are the other person isn’t dwelling on any slip-ups, so try to let those go. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend who had an awkward moment.
Let it go and refocus
Once you’ve left the social setting, do something to shift your mind away from analysis mode.
Distract yourself with a relaxing or fun activity – watch a favorite show, play a game, take a walk or shower – anything to break the cycle of overthinking.
Then make a conscious choice to let the event go. Remind yourself that one interaction doesn’t define you.
Learn any small lessons if needed and then move forward. Don’t swear off socializing just because you felt anxious – every experience is practice, and it will get easier over time as you build confidence.
Expert Tips and Advice
To reinforce these strategies, here are some expert-backed tips for overcoming social anxiety and building friendships:
- Challenge your thoughts (use CBT): Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a proven method for social anxiety. It teaches you to spot distorted thoughts and replace them with realistic ones. For instance, instead of “Everyone is judging me,” you might practice thinking “I feel nervous, but it’s probably not as noticeable as I think.” Over time, this practice can make social interactions less scary.
- Gradual exposure works: Slowly and repeatedly facing your social fears helps diminish them. Experts agree that systematically confronting feared situations bit by bit can greatly reduce anxiety. Each time you push yourself to attend an event or speak up, you build confidence – it’s like exercising a muscle. If you keep at it, things that once induced panic will start to feel more routine.
- Consider seeking support: If your anxiety is overwhelming, don’t hesitate to get professional help. A therapist can provide guidance, role-play tricky situations with you, and teach you specialized techniques for managing anxiety. Social anxiety is very treatable, so getting professional help can significantly speed up your progress. Even a short course of therapy can equip you with tools to make socializing easier, so there’s no shame in getting support.
Conclusion
Building friendships with social anxiety is a journey that takes time and courage, but every small step is progress.
Don’t measure success by becoming the most outgoing person in the room – success is when you try, when you say “hello” despite your nerves, or when you attend that meetup even if your hands were shaking.
You might always feel some level of anxiety in social situations, and that’s okay. What matters is not letting that fear stop you from connecting with others.
Be patient and proud of yourself for each effort. The more you practice, the easier it will get, even if it’s gradual.
Remember that you deserve friends who appreciate you, and there are people out there who will.
