It starts with a single disagreement, maybe over something small like a text or a domestic habit, and suddenly, the person you thought you knew feels like a stranger.
One day they are your biggest fan, and the next, they are cold, distant, or defensive.
This shift can be terrifying, making you wonder if the “real” them has finally shown up or if you’ve somehow broken the relationship.
According to Matthew Hussey, renowned dating coach and relationship expert, this “change” isn’t a sign that you’ve failed.
Instead, it marks the end of the “heroic phase” of dating.
Hussey explains that the first argument is a pivotal moment of clarity where the “honeymoon mask” finally slips, revealing a partner’s true emotional reflexes and attachment patterns.
Understanding why this happens – and how to handle it – is the difference between a connection that deepens and one that dissolves.
He may not be intentionally trying to be “different”; he is likely navigating a complex mix of physiological overwhelm, childhood defense mechanisms, and a withdrawal from the high-dopamine state of early dating into the more demanding reality of building a partnership
The Death of the “Heroic” Version
When a man acts different after your first fight, it is often because the relationship has transitioned from where both parties present a polished, idealised version of themselves – into the reality of an intimate partnership
In the early stages of dating, you aren’t actually dating the “real” person; you are dating their “representative.”
This is the version of themselves that is patient, kind, and seemingly flaw-free.
Matthew Hussey suggests that we all start in a “heroic” phase where we present as angels.
However, the first fight acts as a dismissal of that representative.
- The Three-Month Rule: Many relationships hit a wall at the 90-day mark. This isn’t a “curse,” but rather the moment the mask slips. Instead of seeing this as a negative, view it as the point where you learn if a connection can grow deep or if it was merely surface-level.
- The Vulnerability Hangover: If your partner becomes distant after a fight, Hussey explains they might be feeling “exposed.” They’ve shown a side of themselves they fear is unlovable, and they retreat to feel safe again.
Decoding Their New Behavior Through Attachment
When the honeymoon phase ends, your partner’s “true” emotional style takes over.
According to Hussey, how they change after a clash is a direct map of their attachment style.
1. The Avoidant Withdrawal
If your partner suddenly becomes cold or dismissive, they are likely leaning into avoidant tendencies.
They may interpret a single fight as proof that you are “incompatible” and pull away to protect their independence.
In many relationship dynamics, conflict is interpreted by men as a threat to their independence or a bid for control.
If the first fight involved a request for change or a boundary being set, he may reflexively pull back to protect his “masculine essence” of freedom.
This creates a pursuer-distancer loop: the more he senses an intrusion on his autonomy, the more he withdraws, which in turn makes his partner more anxious and “pecking” for attention, causing him to retreat even further
2. The Anxious Panic
Finally, the first fight can trigger relational ambivalence, where he begins “see-sawing” between wanting to stay and wanting to go.
Does your partner start over-apologizing or “chasing” you?
This stems from a deep fear of abandonment.
They worry the fight has permanently wrecked the relationship and are desperate to fix it.
If he feels he has “no skin in the game” or is afraid of the “suffocation” that comes with deeper commitment, he may act distant to maintain “stable ambiguity” – engaging just enough to keep the connection but avoiding the intimacy and work required to resolve the issue.
3. “Conflict Inheritance” and Past Templates
A man’s reaction to a first fight is heavily informed by his conflict inheritance – the patterns he observed in his family of origin.
- If he grew up in a home where conflict was frightening or loud, he may default to “flight” (walking away) or “freeze” (going numb) as a survival strategy.
- If he was taught that “big boys don’t cry” or that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, the vulnerability required to repair after a fight may feel emasculating or unsafe.
- He may be repeating a “script” where he expects that if things aren’t perfect, the relationship is doomed, leading him to check out emotionally the moment friction occurs.
4. Disillusionment and the “Slow Burn”
The first fight can act as a “bomb drop” that shatters the idealised version of the relationship.
During the honeymoon phase, high levels of dopamine and “new relationship energy” can lead individuals to overlook red flags or fundamental incompatibilities.
When the first conflict hits, he may experience disillusionment, realizing that you are a real, flawed human being rather than the “dream girl” he projected.
If he is a “romanticizer” or a “maximizer,” he may act different because he is now questioning if the relationship is “viable” simply because it is no longer effortless
Is This a Red Flag or Just “Teething” Issues?
Not every post-fight change is a reason to leave.
Matthew Hussey emphasizes the importance of looking at the quality of the repair.
When to “Walk” (Red Flags):
- Character Attacks: They attack who you are instead of what you did.
- Threats: They use the fight to suggest you shouldn’t be together (“Maybe this isn’t working”).
- Stonewalling: They shut down or ignore you for hours or days. This is a sign of poor emotional regulation.
When to “Talk” (Teething Issues):
- Style Clashes: You are simply learning how the other person communicates or handles household chores.
- Evolution: Arguments are healthy if they evolve. If you are having the exact same fight every week without progress, Hussey warns that you may be facing a fatal incompatibility.
How to Handle the “New” Version of Your Partner
If you want to save the connection, you must interrupt the reactive cycle.
Hussey’s core advice is to stop trying to “win” and start trying to protect the relationship.
- Model the Repair: If you overreacted, own it. Even if you stand by your point, apologizing for your reaction gives your partner permission to drop their guard.
- Use the STATE Model:
- Share the facts: State what actually happened without judgment.
- Tell your story: Explain how you interpreted the event.
- Ask for their path: Invite them to share their perspective.
- Talk tentatively: Avoid “always” or “never” statements.
- Encourage testing: Be open to the idea that your interpretation might be wrong.
Conclusion: Arguing “Well” is the Goal
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to find someone you never fight with.
As Matthew Hussey puts it, “You don’t marry someone you never argue with; you marry someone you argue well with.”
The first fight reveals who your partner is under pressure.
If they become defensive or malicious, they are showing you their character.
Use this clarity to decide if this is the person you truly want to build a life with, rather than trying to force them back into their “honeymoon” persona.
Your Next Steps
- Observe the Pattern: Over the next 48 hours, notice if your partner moves toward “repair” or continues to “withdraw.”
- Initiate a “Meta-Conversation”: Instead of re-fighting the topic, talk about how you fought. Try saying: “I didn’t like how we handled that yesterday. Can we talk about how to do it better next time?”
- Check Your Own Reflection: Are you attacking the problem, or are you attacking the person? Practice using “I” statements to lower the tension.
