If you’re reading this, you’re likely grappling with the intense pain, confusion, and overwhelming urge to reach out to an ex.
You want the perfect phrase – the magic words that will make them see what they lost and come running back.
This is a crucial, vulnerable moment, and your feelings are completely valid.
According to renowned relationship experts like Matthew Hussey and Esther Perel, the key to reconnecting or, more importantly, moving forward powerfully, isn’t about a specific line you say.
It’s about a complete shift in focus from chasing them to mastering your own emotional world.
This article translates their powerful insights into simple, actionable strategies, whether you aim for reconciliation or lasting self-respect.
We’ll show you exactly how to communicate from a position of standards, not desperation.
Stop Chasing: What Matthew Hussey Says You Must Say to Yourself First
The experts agree: the most important conversation you’ll have is the one in your own head. Actively trying to “get an ex back” often comes from a place of scarcity.
You were 50% of the “magic” in that relationship, and your ability to bring love and joy travels with you. Hussey’s philosophy is about self-mastery and internal resilience.
The Three Mental Shifts to Reclaim Your Power
- Interrupt the Trigger: When a memory or an old text pops up, your brain is just following a familiar, painful neural pathway. Do not indulge the rumination.
- Say this to yourself: “I’m not going there. I’m thinking about something else.”
- Action: Immediately distract yourself. Text a friend, pet your dog, or step outside. This creates space between the thought and your reaction.
- Rename the Pain: Use the heartbreak itself as a powerful reminder of your growth.
- Say this to yourself: “This pain is the engine that created my new boundary. It’s the reason I’m stronger now.”
- Focus: Connect with all the positive things that have already come from the breakup – new standards, new friends, new focus. The trigger becomes an opportunity to connect to the good that came from the pain.
- Abolish the “God” Status: Don’t let your ex, or the memory of them, take up too much of your precious time and energy.
- Say this to yourself: “They are not a god. They don’t deserve this much energy.”
- Action: Try changing your ex’s contact name in your phone to something empowering like “Done” or “You Deserve Better” to break the old, painful association.
What Not to Say: Avoiding “Hail Mary” Texts and Desperation
A common trap is sending a “Hail Mary” text – a message sent out of sheer desperation, hoping for a long-shot win.
Dating couch, Matthew Hussey, cautions that these simply signal a lack of power and rarely lead to genuine repair.
- Avoid Sending “Bait” Texts: Messages sent hoping for a specific response are usually transparent. Expect to “lose” that chip. Your self-worth should never be tied to their reply.
- Avoid Apologizing Only for Access: If you feel you “owe” an apology, make sure it comes from genuine accountability for your actions, not just a disguised desire to reconnect. An apology simply to open a door for a conversation is a weak position.
- Stop Prodding the Wound: Checking their social media to see if they’ve moved on is one of the unhealthiest things you can do. It keeps the wound fresh and prevents you from moving on.
Responding from Standards: What to Say If Your Ex Contacts YOU
If your ex is the one to initiate contact, your response should come from a place of self-respect and strong standards. Do not give them easy access or an “attention hit.”
The Scenario: They send a warm, affectionate message (“hot message”) after a period of radio silence, which doesn’t match the reality of your current distance.
Expert-Adapted Script for Clarity and Standards:
- Acknowledge Calmly: “Hey, I hope you’re well.”
- State Your Confusion: “To be honest, when you send me things like that, I don’t really know what to say.”
- Point Out the Misalignment: “We haven’t really been that close for a while now.”
- Apply a Standard (The Power Move): “Rightly or wrongly, this message comes across as a bid for attention.” (This is precise, non-judgmental, and shows you recognize the tactic.)
Why this works: You are pointing out that their effort is out of sync with your dynamic. You force them to recognize they cannot simply rush back in with a low-effort, affectionate text. If they want to truly reconnect, they must demonstrate consistency over time.
Communicating for Repair: Esther Perel’s Focus on Accountability and New Stories
If you both agree to a conversation with the goal of potential reconciliation, psychotherapist Esther Perel’s work is essential.
The focus must shift from blame to accountability, vulnerability, and genuine appreciation.
If You Were Accountable for Mistakes, Say This:
This shifts shame into responsibility, the foundation for true repair.
- Own Your Part: “I need to apologize for letting it go so long and for not being honest.”
- Acknowledge Their Pain: “I was very selfish and I know I hurt you. I want to fully own that so that I can set you free, and me.”
- Affirm Their Effort: If they agree to meet, immediately validate their willingness to engage: “It really means a lot that you’re here. I appreciate you actually doing this.”
To Rekindle Connection and Desire, Say This:
Focus on what you still value about them and the connection. This shifts the dynamic away from criticism.
- Express Shared Loss: “I too miss us and miss connecting.”
- Offer Genuine Appreciation (Without the “But”): “You must be so proud of how you’ve been able to do [Specific Positive Thing, e.g., Your Career, Your New Fitness Habit].”
- Affirm Desire (Crucial): “I definitely desire you. I find you very attractive and I like looking at your face.” (Sincerity is key—this makes a partner feel seen and valued.)
- Invite a New Beginning: Instead of rehashing old fights, focus on the future. “What happened to us? How did we unravel so fast? Neither of us are actually in the situation that we were hoping for. What can we do differently now?”
Next Steps: Your Actionable Checklist for Self-Respect
The most effective long-term strategy for dealing with an ex is to internalize self-respect and focus rigorously on your own life and growth.
If they return, your powerful stance comes from the fact that you no longer need them – any relationship must meet the higher standards you have established.
The “New Dynamic” Checklist:
- Review and Delete: Go through your phone and social media. Delete the ex’s contact or rename it to “You Deserve Better.” Mute/block them on all social platforms. Do not prod the wound.
- Define Your Non-Negotiables: Write down three things you learned you must have in a partner that this relationship lacked. This is your new standard.
- Practice the Pause: The next time a painful memory or an urge to text hits, PAUSE. Immediately do one of your “distractions” (go for a walk, call a friend) to interrupt the neural pathway.
- Practice the Script: Rehearse the “Responding from Standards” script above so you are prepared if they contact you. Your delivery should be calm, clear, and confident.
Remember: Love is like a muscle. It can be infused with new energy, but only when you stop seeking external validation and become curious, accountable, and willing to prioritize your own health. That foundational change is the most powerful message you can ever send.
