Deciding whether to reach out to an ex requires careful consideration of your motivations, the nature of the relationship, and your emotional state. If you do decide to reach out, do so with realistic expectations and an understanding that you cannot control the outcome. You must be prepared to move on either way.
1. Assessing Your Readiness
It’s crucial that you’ve allowed yourself enough time to grieve the loss of the relationship.
If you haven’t, you might be trying to avoid your feelings.
Unprocessed grief can show up in a new version of the relationship as anxiety, irritability, or boredom.
Before reaching out, consider the state of your own well-being.
It’s important to feel okay on your own first, so that any decision to reconnect comes from a place of choice rather than a need to escape something difficult.
You should aim to approach your ex from a position of worth and wholeness.
Be aware that reconnecting with an ex means that old patterns are likely to resurface.
Ask yourself what behaviours you’re committed to not repeating. If you don’t make changes, you risk falling into the same patterns that caused the breakup.
2. Consider Your Motivations
Before reaching out, examine your motivation.
Are you moving towards something positive (like a genuine desire for reconnection based on growth) or away from something negative (like loneliness, grief, or fear of being alone)?
If your motivation is based on avoiding negative feelings, it’s likely not the best time to reach out
What is the specific situation that is making me consider contacting my ex?
- Emotional Triggers: Specific events or feelings can resurface thoughts about an ex. Such as experiencing rejection in a new situation, feeling lonely, or seeing their social media updates. These triggers often activate deeper emotional needs rather than genuine desire for reconciliation.
- Need for Validation: The urge to reconnect might stem from seeking external validation or attention, especially during periods of low self-esteem or emotional vulnerability. This is different from genuinely wanting to rebuild a relationship.
- Hope for Reconciliation: You may be trying to see if there are still feelings between you, or if the relationship has the potential to be alive again. However, it is important to ask whether your hope is rooted in reality or a desire to defy it.
- Unresolved Past: You might be attempting to “undo” past experiences or recreate familiar relationship dynamics, often unconsciously seeking out partners who mirror previous emotional unavailability or difficult family patterns.
- Closure: Contact might be a way to seek some sense of closure or resolution about the relationship. Try to see them for who they are now, not who they were in the past.
3. When to Avoid Contact with an Ex
Developing relational intelligence can be done through self-reflection, therapy, and learning about healthy relationship dynamics.
- Unfinished Stories: If there are strong unresolved feelings or unfinished business with an ex, it might be best to avoid contact.
- To Avoid a Cycle of Fleeing and Pursuing: If you notice a pattern where you tend to flee from relationships when they become too close and then begin pursuing past or potential partners, it’s important to examine your inner experience and avoid contact.
- When an ex is irresponsible: When an ex is acting irresponsibly, particularly regarding matters that impact others, it may be necessary to limit contact, not only for your own wellbeing but for the wellbeing of others.
- If the ex cannot take responsibility: If an ex is unable to take responsibility for past actions, they may not have any different conversations.
- When you feel a need to prove yourself: If you find yourself trying to prove your worthiness or earn love from an ex, it’s a sign to step away.
4. Navigating Contact
Prepare for Any Outcome:
There is no guarantee of what will happen when you reach out, so be prepared for any response. This may mean rejection or indifference.
Going into the conversation with the idea that you’ll be fine no matter what happens can be a great source of strength.
If they do not want to get back together, be respectful of their decision, even if it’s painful for you.
Be prepared to listen without retaliation:
Listen to your ex’s point of view with an open mind. Don’t try to win an argument, but to understand.
Don’t interrupt or dismiss what they have to say, and avoid phrases like, “You always…” or “You never…”
Instead, focus on active listening and empathy.
It’s also important to recognize that you cannot change their perception of the situation. If they do not perceive events the way you do, it is okay to agree to disagree.
If you had differences in the past, be ready to hear their point of view now, without disagreeing or telling them they’re wrong.
Use “I” statements:
Frame your communication using “I” statements, focusing on your feelings and experiences rather than blaming your ex.
Example: “I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I’ve been thinking about you,” rather than “You haven’t reached out.”
This approach reduces defensiveness and fosters a more open and honest conversation.
It’s not about pointing fingers or playing the blame game, but rather about expressing your own feelings.
