Were you forced to grow up too fast? If you spent your childhood caring for siblings, managing adult responsibilities, or emotionally supporting a parent, you likely experienced parentification.
This role reversal – where a child becomes the caregiver – can leave deep marks that persist into adulthood.
Many former “parentified children” struggle with relationships, boundaries, and self-worth later in life, even as they carry strengths like resilience and empathy.
What is Parentification?
Parentification occurs when a child is placed in the role of a parent or caregiver to their own parents or siblings.
The child might be cooking meals, paying bills, taking care of younger siblings, or serving as the emotional support system for their parent.
Jennifer Jacobsen Schulz, (LCSW) explains that “In a family system, each person plays a role; when there is parentification, the roles of parent and child are switched, with the child taking on the role of the parent well before they are emotionally able to do so.“
Psychologists identify two main types of parentification:
- Instrumental parentification, where a child takes on physical tasks and responsibilities (like housework or childcare)
- Emotional parentification, where the child becomes a confidant or therapist for the parent.
Real-life example: One parentified daughter shared, “My mum… always dumps stuff on me: I’m meant to be everything to her.” This kind of complete role reversal – where the child feels responsible for the parent’s well-being – is the hallmark of parentification.
What causes parentification?
Identifying which circumstances affected your upbringing can be a powerful first step toward understanding your experiences and reclaiming your own emotional freedom. It may be that there are several overlapping factors.
Some of the possible causes of parentification include:
Parental Illness, Disability, or Mental Health Challenges
When a parent’s physical or psychological health is compromised, children often step in to provide day-to-day care or emotional support.
Tasks like managing medication, cooking, or comforting a distressed parent become their responsibility, regardless of their age.
Substance Use or Addiction
Parents struggling with addiction may become emotionally unavailable or unreliable, prompting children to assume roles like household manager, mediator, or caregiver in order to maintain family stability.
Financial Hardship or Economic Stress
Chronic poverty or sudden financial pressure forces children to fill in for adults—taking on chores, caring for siblings, even helping manage bills—when resources and parental bandwidth are low.
Parental Emotional Immaturity
Parents who struggle with self-regulation, empathy, or emotional boundaries may lean on children to fulfill their own emotional needs, treating them like confidants or miniature peers.
“My mum would ‘blow up’ at the smallest issue, so I often walked on eggshells around her and made sure the house was taken care of and my siblings were behaving to prevent any upset.”
Parental Dysfunction or Unresolved Trauma
Parents with unprocessed trauma or dysfunctional patterns may inadvertently dump emotional burdens onto children, who step in to soothe or stabilize overly emotional or erratic caregivers.
6. Cultural or Gender-Based Expectations
In some cultures or traditional households, eldest children—especially daughters—are expected to manage siblings, caregiving, and household tasks, placing adult responsibilities on them at a young age.
“As the eldest daughter and with a big age gap between me and my younger sibling, it felt natural that I help with childcare, and it was also expected of me.”
Whatever the cause, the outcome is the same: the child grows up too quickly. They learn to suppress their own needs and feelings in order to care for others.
As one young person put it, “It just feels like I’ve had to grow up too quickly… in the years that I was supposed to find myself, I had to be a parent to my younger sibling.”
Signs You May Have Been Parentified
Below are some common signs that may indicate you were parentified:
- You felt more like a caregiver than a child in your family.
- You feel guilty putting your own needs first.
- You rely only on yourself and struggle to ask for help.
- You often take care of others in your relationships.
- You were praised for being “mature” but felt emotionally neglected.
- Calm situations make you feel uneasy or on edge.
- You grieve the childhood you never truly had.
Long-Term Effects of Parentification on Adult Life
Growing up as a parentified child doesn’t end when you become an adult – you carry those experiences into your adult life in both obvious and subtle ways.
Below are some of the most common effects that parentified people experience in adulthood:
People-Pleasing and Self-Neglect
Parentified kids learn early on to put others first. They often grow into adults who always prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own.
This people-pleasing habit is a direct result of being trained in childhood to earn love through caregiving. As a result, you might feel guilty or “selfish” for attending to your own needs.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Because the normal parent-child boundaries were blurred or nonexistent in childhood, parentified adults often struggle with boundaries in later relationships.
You might have trouble saying “no” to requests, feel responsible for others’ feelings, or accept poor treatment because it feels familiar.
The concept of healthy boundaries can be foreign or uncomfortable.
Excessive Responsibility and Hyper-Independence
Parentified individuals typically become exceptionally responsible, often to a fault. You may feel that “if I don’t do it, nobody will.”
This hyper-independence can make it hard to delegate or trust others. On the positive side, it often means you’re highly capable and reliable.
On the negative side, you might find it nearly impossible to relax or let others take care of you.
Chronic Anxiety or Hypervigilance
Many parentified children live in a state of high stress from a young age – worrying about adult problems, anticipating crises, or trying to keep the family peace.
As adults, this often manifests as generalized anxiety, feeling on edge or unable to fully trust that things will be okay.
You might be good in a crisis, because you grew used to chaos. But ordinary stress can feel overwhelming, and relaxing or having fun can be difficult when you’re conditioned to always be “on duty.”
Guilt, Shame, and Identity Issues
Guilt is a very common emotion among adults who were parentified. You may feel guilty for even normal, healthy acts of putting yourself first.
You might carry a vague sense of shame, as if you’re not good enough unless you’re helping someone.
Many parentified people also struggle with identity – their self-worth may hinge entirely on being needed by others, since they never got to develop a sense of self outside the caregiver role.
Difficulty with Relationships
You might find yourself always taking on the caretaker role with friends or partners, or gravitating toward people who “need” mothering.
Alternatively, you may avoid relationships altogether, because you fear being burdened or don’t trust others to be responsible.
It’s common to have trouble asking for help or being vulnerable, since you learned not to depend on anyone.
On top of that, you may struggle to connect with your own emotions or have a hard time feeling joy, playfulness, or spontaneity – those are things you skipped in childhood, so they may feel alien now.
Grief and Loss
Many adults carry a deep sense of grief for the childhood they never got to have. One woman described loving her parents yet mourning the normal parent–child relationship she missed out on:
“I love them to bits but feel like I’m permanently mourning the relationship with them that I never had.”
Parentification is sometimes called an invisible form of childhood trauma, and part of healing is recognizing that you did experience a real loss, even if your parents didn’t intend to harm you.
Personal Perspective: One former parentified child put it this way – “It sounds cliché, but I had to learn how to be a kid again. My entire life I had been forced into this role… that feeling of responsibility never fully went away.” This quote highlights how even after escaping the situation, it can be hard to shake the mindset that everything is your responsibility.
Are there any positive effects?
Not every person who was parentified will experience all of these effects, and the intensity can vary. Some individuals are able to cope better or may even credit their experiences with making them stronger.
In fact, research shows that in certain supportive circumstances, parentified children can develop remarkable resilience, independence, and a strong work ethic.
You might notice positive traits in yourself, like being highly self-sufficient, a natural leader, very empathic, or “wise beyond your years.” However, it’s important to remember that any benefits came at a cost.
While there can be some positive outcomes, the negative effects of parentification can far outweigh the positives.
Healing and Moving Forward
Recovering from a parentified childhood is absolutely possible. Healing doesn’t mean you erase the past – it means you learn to re-parent yourself and meet your own needs with compassion.
Here are some supportive strategies and steps that can help:
Acknowledge and Grieve Your Lost Childhood
Give yourself permission to recognize that what you went through was not normal and not okay. You were forced to grow up too fast, and that meant losing out on a real childhood.
You might find it helpful to write a letter to your inner child or simply spend time remembering what you went through and affirming that it was hard and unfair. This validation is an important step in healing.
Prioritize Your Own Needs (Reclaim Your Inner Child)
Because you grew up putting yourself last, you now need to consciously practice putting yourself first – or at least on equal footing with others. Reconnecting with your “inner child” can be a powerful exercise.
Ask yourself: What do I truly need and enjoy? You might need simple things you missed out on, like play, creativity, or carefree relaxation. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but start with small acts of self-care and fun.
Remind yourself that your needs matter. For example, you could set aside an hour each day that’s just for you – read a book, watch a favorite show, go for a walk, play a game, anything that nurtures you.
Practice Self-Compassion (It’s Not Your Fault)
Children often internalize blame for their situation. You might carry a sense of shame or think “If I had been stronger or better, maybe my family wouldn’t have fallen apart.”
Remind yourself that it was not your fault. You were a child put in an impossible situation. Be gentle and kind to yourself, especially when you feel inadequate or guilty.
One therapist encourages former parentified kids to literally tell themselves: “I’m sorry for what you had to go through, and I love you.”
This kind of self-compassion can feel awkward, but it helps rewrite those distorted scripts in your head.
Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries
Start practicing saying “no” or expressing your preferences in low-stakes situations. Understand that you have a right to your own time, energy, and emotional space.
When someone (even a family member) asks for something unreasonable, it’s okay to respectfully decline. Setting boundaries might trigger guilt or fear at first, but with practice it gets easier.
Over time, you will likely find that true friends and loving partners will respect your boundaries – and those who don’t were perhaps taking advantage of you.
Seek Support – You Don’t Have to Do It Alone
One of the lingering beliefs from parentification is that you are on your own – but in healing, the opposite is true.
Consider talking with a therapist, especially one familiar with childhood trauma or family dynamics. Therapy provides a safe space to unpack your experiences and learn healthier coping strategies.
A skilled therapist can help you process feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety tied to your upbringing, and guide you as you practice new behaviors like assertiveness or self-care.
Group therapy or support groups (even online forums with others who were parentified) can also be incredibly validating – it helps to hear “me too” from others who understand.
References
Yew, W. P., Siau, C. S., & Kwong, S. F. (2017). Parentification and resilience among students with clinical and nonclinical aspirations: A cross‐sectional quantitative study. Journal of Multicultural Counseling and Development, 45(1), 66–75. https://doi.org/10.1002/jmcd.12063
