Limerence is an involuntary, intense romantic obsession marked by intrusive thoughts and acute longing for emotional reciprocation, often characterized by emotional suffering due to unmet romantic needs or uncertainties.
What Is Limerence
Limerence is an obsession or intense longing for another person, regardless of whether those feelings are reciprocated.
Dorothy Tennov coined the term in 1979 to describe an emotional experience of intense romantic infatuation beyond typical attraction, characterized by psychological dependency on another person.
On the surface, limerence may seem like love (especially the early stages), when you want to be close to the other person all the time, speak about them feverishly to your friends, and can’t stop thinking about them.
However, limerence is unhealthy and has more to do with wanting to fill an inner void and trying to satisfy unmet childhood needs than love.
It involves two people: the limerent and the object of limerence (or LO).
In limerence, the desire for the other person is so strong that it negatively impacts a person’s life over time as they cannot focus on anything but the person of their obsession.
They neglect their work, social life, and other responsibilities and, as seen in the film Saltburn, it can lead to some pretty destructive behaviors (though not necessarily as extreme).
An example from Dorothy Tennov’s book Love and Limerence:
“I dropped out of three of my five classes because I was spending hours every day lying on my bed thinking about Carol. It was all I wanted to do. Just lie around, think about her, and try to figure out ways to get her back. Every few days I would telephone her until finally, she told me to stop calling”.
Limerence vs love: What’s the difference?
Limerence may look like love, especially because of how love and the pursuit of a love interest are depicted in movies and songs.
It has led to an often subconscious belief that thinking “I can’t breathe without that person” and obsessional behavior like stalking are akin to love.
But limerence and love are not the same – a limerent person’s obsession is about satisfying their own needs and is the result of anxiety rather than wanting the best for the other person (as is the case with love).
If the limerent is rejected, they might even become vengeful and angry because their expectation of reciprocity has not been met.
- Duration – Limerence is short-lived, usually lasting between 6 months to 3 years, while love tends to last much longer when reciprocated.
- Reciprocation – Limerence does not require reciprocation or even interaction from the object of affection, while love involves a mutual caring bond between two people.
- Thought Patterns – People in limerence have intrusive, involuntary thoughts about the limerent object and feel they cannot control their passion. Love usually involves more choice about focusing one’s thoughts on a partner.
- Dependency – Limerence creates emotional dependency on, and idealization of, the limerent object. In contrast, healthy love promotes interdependence, understanding, and acceptance.
- Self-Worth – Those experiencing limerence tend to derive their self-worth from receiving signs of interest from the limerent object, while love promotes self-acceptance and is not as tied to validation from a partner.
Signs of Limerence
The key characteristic of limerence is that the limerent’s obsession is uncontrollable and consumes their every minute and their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
Here are the signs of limerence:
- Intrusive and constant thoughts about the LO
- Everything reminds the limerent of the LO
- Feelings of confusion, destabilisation and being out of control, even to the point of stalking a LO
- Intense longing for the LO
- Overwhelming emotions from excitement and joy to distress and shame
- The limerent’s mood depends on the behavior of the LO – or rather the perception of their behavior and whether it’s perceived as reciprocation or not
- Fantasizing about what might or could happen
- Fear of rejection
- Idealizing the LO e.g., “they’re flawless” and can’t do any wrong
- Doing anything to impress the LO such as excessive grooming, lying, cutting off friends, etc.
- Limerence is experienced for one person at a time (the LO)
- The obsession negatively affects other areas of the limerent’s life (work, friends, etc.)
4 Stages of Limerence
The journey of limerence can be broken down into four main stages:
- Attraction – An immediate, intoxicating connection sparks between two people. Euphoria, adrenaline rushes, and constant thoughts about the love interest characterize this stage.
- Obsession – Thoughts become consumed with the love object. Their words and actions are constantly analyzed for signs of interest or rejection. Mood depends heavily on their perceived reactions.
- Emotional Rollercoaster – The relationship alternates between perceived signs of reciprocation that bring soaring highs and negative interactions that lead to crushing lows. Rational thinking declines.
- Resolution – Limerence either evolves into a mutual relationship, gradually fades, or ends abruptly if feelings are unreciprocated. This pivotal stage often sparks introspection and reevaluation of one’s emotional state.
What does Limerence feel like
Limerence feels like an obsessive, addictive, confusing, and destabilizing emotional state focused on an unattainable object of desire.
It’s an extreme mix of highs and lows involving anxiety, uncertainty, and despair.
A scientific study exploring the lived experience of limerence reveals that limerence is a highly intrusive and destabilizing emotional state that severely impacts daily life and is deeply connected to past relational trauma.
1. Obsessive and Addictive Mental State
- Intrusive Thoughts: Limerence is characterized as an “almost continuous intrusion of thoughts” about the Limerent Object (LO).
- Triggers and Associations: Almost anything can trigger these persistent thoughts, with the mind creating increasingly frequent associations over time.
- Time-Consuming & Distractive: The state is highly obsessive, repetitive, and time-consuming, significantly impacting normal daily activities.
- Emotional Addiction: It is likened to an “emotional drug addiction” that is fundamentally unsatisfiable.
2. Extreme Emotional Dysregulation
- Uncontrollable Highs/Lows: The experience is an “emotional rollercoaster” featuring uncontrollable highs and unpredictable lows.
- Elation & Despair: There are extremes of elation and despair, marked by intense “rushes of fondness and excitement and false hope.”
- Negative Affect: The highs are often combined with guilt, self-condemnation, and confusion.
- Anxiety & Uncertainty: A central component is intense anxiety and uncertainty related to the potential reciprocation of feelings by the LO.
3. Destabilization and Behavioral Impact
- Destabilizing Period: It is described as the “catalyst for the most destabilizing and insecure period” of one’s life.
- Loss of Control: Sufferers report feelings of confusion and being intensely out of control.
- Stalking Behaviors: Insecure feelings can even lead to problematic and concerning stalking behaviors.
4. Connection to Trauma and Attachment
- Reactivated Wounds: Limerence often reactivates attachment wounds and abandonment trauma.
- Unmet Needs: It is linked to unmet childhood relational needs.
- Anxiety Component: The anxiety involved is often directly related to underlying childhood abandonment issues.
The Consequences of Limerence
Short-Term Positives
Although limerence is largely unhealthy, it can have a few short-term positive effects.
In an effort to impress their limerent object (LO), individuals may engage in self-improvement, working on their appearance, social skills, and even exploring new hobbies or interests that bring them closer to the person they admire.
This initial motivation can provide a temporary boost in confidence, energy, and optimism, as the limerent feels inspired by the possibility of connection and reciprocation.
Emotional Dependence and Neglect
However, these positive aspects are usually short-lived.
The intense preoccupation with the LO often causes the limerent to neglect personal goals, responsibilities, and relationships, pouring excessive energy into a fantasy rather than real, mutual connection.
Because their emotions are tied to the LO’s behavior, self-worth and mood fluctuate dramatically based on how much attention or affection they receive.
A lack of reciprocation can trigger feelings of rejection, panic, and emotional collapse, reinforcing a destructive dependency.
What Causes Limerence?
Research into the causes of limerence puts it down to a mixture of personality, biological predispositions, and childhood environment.
Compulsion, obsession, and lack of control are key features of limerence, and it has therefore been likened to substance misuse disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
It is, however, a unique condition that is not currently classified as a mental health disorder.
Teenagers are particularly prone to obsessional infatuation, extreme mood swings as a result of their crush’s behavior, and earth-shattering devastation if they’re rejected, which could suggest an innate predisposition for limerence.
The intensity of teenage love is likely due to hormonal changes, social pressures, and inexperience.
It’s new and exciting, and teenagers are only learning to deal with the strong emotions they experience.
However, not every teenager, and certainly not every adult, experiences limerence.
Therefore, it more likely stems from experiencing certain relational traumas (e.g., abandonment) and attachment insecurity.
Attachment Style
Attachment theory is one way to explain how limerence develops.
If you grow up in a nurturing, loving, and supportive home, you’ll probably grow up to have a secure attachment style.
However, if your needs weren’t appropriately met during childhood, you may develop an insecure attachment style.
One of these is called anxious attachment, which shares many similarities with limerence.
Anxious attachment and idealization
People with an anxious attachment style often carry an intense fear of rejection or abandonment.
They seek external validation and look to others to fill their inner emotional void.
They might start to idealize a person whom they believe will solve their problems and fulfill all their needs.
Their anxiety and fear of rejection may lead to quite obsessional behavior, as seen in limerence.
They often become preoccupied with the other person and their relationship, which can lead to clinginess and dependence.
Therefore, having an anxious attachment style or expecting another person to fill the inner void caused in childhood, may increase the likelihood of experiencing limerence.
Importantly, limerence is not caused by the LO – it’s caused by the limerent’s anxiety and insecurities.
If you experience limerence, that’s good news because it means you can regain control and take action to overcome limerence.
How to Overcome Limerence
Because limerence is caused by insecurity and relationship anxiety, the way to overcome it is to work on yourself.
It won’t be solved by your LO professing their love for you.
Experiencing limerence reveals that you possess great capacity for intense love, determination, and hard work.
The challenge now is to redirect those powerful qualities toward yourself, rather than focusing them solely on another person
Here’s some advice on overcoming limerence:
Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion
Overcoming limerence (or any other difficulty) starts with self-awareness.
Notice what happens when you meet someone you like – the thoughts, feelings, and how you behave.
If it’s helpful, write them down in a journal so you can keep track and notice patterns.
The key is to be curious (not judgmental) about your experience of love and relationships. Have compassion for yourself and why your relationship patterns have developed.
Fostering compassionate self-awareness creates space for you to learn and grow.
Work on Attachment Insecurities
Your attachment style has a significant impact on your relationship patterns, including limerence.
Working on your attachment insecurities is, therefore, essential for overcoming limerence.
When it comes to limerence, the relationship insecurities most likely manifest as anxious attachment. Healing this attachment style includes:
- Educating yourself on attachment theory
- Prioritizing self-care and building self-worth
- Managing emotions and anxiety
- Building and learning from relationships with securely attached people
- Seeking the support of a therapist
Develop Your Self-Worth
People who experience limerence tend to be insecure and have low self-esteem. They base their worth on being loved and approved of by others.
Thus, they’re looking for external sources of validation and may believe that if someone loves them, their loneliness will fade away, and their problems will be solved.
However, a person’s worth isn’t conditional – your worth as a human being is unchanging. Other people can’t resolve your insecurities, loneliness, or problems.
Instead, you should work on being okay by yourself and building your self-worth. A few ways to do that is to:
- Focus on what you want in life: how do you see your future? What would you like to achieve? What gives you energy and happiness outside of relationships?
- Find a new hobby or interest and spend time developing it
- Go on trips on your own
- Connect with your friends and work on your platonic relationships
- Spend time in nature
- Practice daily affirmations (e.g., “I am good enough”)
- Exercise
- Practice mindfulness, meditation, yoga, or other grounding exercises
Sources
Tennov, Dorothy (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and Day.Willmott, L., & Bentley, E. (2015). Exploring the Lived-Experience of Limerence: A Journey toward Authenticity. The Qualitative Report, 20(1), 20-38.
