Rebound Relationships

Rebound relationships do not have a set duration, and the length of time they last can vary depending on the individuals and circumstances involved. Some people may enter a new relationship very quickly after a breakup, while others may take more time.

The “Why” Behind the Urge to Rebound

It’s crucial to engage in self-reflection to understand your own growth and changes since your last relationship. Ask yourself how you have changed during your time apart, how your thinking has changed, and how you relate to your emotions different.

Attachment Injury

Breakups, regardless of circumstance, are ‘attachment injuries’ – ruptures of significant emotional bonds.

This separation from someone important creates a wound, a sense of loss requiring time and attention to heal.

Jumping into a new relationship before addressing this underlying injury is like building on shaky foundations

Getting back together with an ex is by definition building a new relationship on top of an attachment injury.

This means extra caution and self-awareness are needed if that is what you choose to do.

Grief

It’s important to acknowledge that a recent breakup usually involves grief, and it’s essential to process this grief before moving into a new relationship.

Rebounding as a way to avoid dealing with grief is not recommended, as the unaddressed feelings can transfer into the new relationship.

If you don’t allow yourself to grieve, this unprocessed grief can manifest in the new relationship as anxiety, hypervigilance, irritability, or boredom.

Approach vs. Avoidance

When considering a new relationship after a breakup, motivations can be broadly categorized as approach or avoidance.

Approach motivations are about moving towards something you desire. In the context of a new relationship, this would mean seeking connection, intimacy, shared values, and a genuine partnership.

Avoidance motivations are about moving away from something undesirable, such as loneliness, grief or fear of an ex “moving on.

It’s crucial to understand that human motivation is rarely pure. You may have a blend of approach and avoidance motivations.

However, it’s important to lean more towards approach than avoidance, as relationships that are predominantly based on avoidance are less likely to be sustainable in the long-term.

Avoidance is a short-term strategy for a long-term issue.

It provides temporary relief, but it does not address the underlying needs and vulnerabilities. You need some motivation in the tank that’s more long lasting than just relief.

Safety vs. Novelty

Reconnecting with an ex or starting a new relationship can put you at a fulcrum point between safety and novelty.

You feel both familiarity and unfamiliarity.

It is a “refining” process

Avoidance rebound relationship stages

Avoidance motivation is about moving away from something undesirable, uncomfortable, or fearful.

In the context of a new relationship, this could mean seeking relief from loneliness, avoiding grief, or escaping the discomfort of being single.

Avoidance motivations are “an effort to escape something unpleasant, undesirable or difficult”

1. The Initial Phase: Seeking Connection and Novelty

• Quick Transition: This initial stage is often characterised by a quick move into a new relationship after a breakup. This can be driven by a desire to avoid being alone, a fear of loneliness, or an attempt to distract from the pain of the previous breakup.
• Intense Feelings: The new relationship can be intense and exciting, with a strong focus on chemistry and physical attraction. There may be a sense of “falling in love,” as well as a tendency to put the new partner on a pedestal, projecting an idealised version of a partner onto them. This can feel like a “high” as the brain releases serotonin.
• Avoiding Uncomfortable Feelings: This stage may involve an attempt to avoid the uncomfortable feelings associated with the breakup such as sadness, grief or loneliness. The new relationship can become a way to escape from these emotions.
• Playing House: People might fall into the trap of “playing house” early on, where they act like they are in a committed relationship, such as by spending the entire weekend together, without having important conversations about expectations, intentions or feelings.

2. The Honeymoon Stage: Heightened Emotions

• Obsessive Focus: This phase is marked by a period of intense focus on the new partner, where the person may feel “obsessed” or “manic”. They are “falling into attachment”, fantasy and the ideal, as the relationship is characterised by “heightened emotion”.
• Chemical Reactions: The initial phase is driven by chemical reactions and sexual chemistry. People in this phase can be glued together by the glue of sexual chemistry.
• Lack of Grounding: In this phase people may not be grounded or realistic about the relationship. They are in a state of “temporary insanity” and their thoughts are illusory. It is important to remember not to trust negative thoughts.

3. The Transition: Disillusionment and Reality

• Novelty Wears Off: As the initial excitement fades, people start to see their new partners for who they are, rather than the ideal they had projected onto them. This can lead to a period of disillusionment as the pedestal falls away.
• Recognising Flaws: People may begin to notice their partner’s flaws and imperfections and wonder “how come you’re not the perfect person that I projected onto you”.
• The End of the Fantasy: The transition occurs when the “falling in love” stage ends and the “more committed” stage begins. It is important to embrace this transition instead of expecting the “crazy” stage to last.
• Problems Re-emerge: The new partner’s problems begin to surface and existing patterns reassert themselves. At this point, people may realise that their issues are still present, no matter who their partner is.
• Unmet Needs: If the relationship was formed on a desire to be rescued, these needs may not be fulfilled. This can lead to feelings of betrayal, being “tricked” or lied to.
• Conflicts Arise: The relationship may be more difficult or challenging than it was in the beginning. Arguments may become frequent, or there may be a sense that “something is not right in this relationship”.
• Imbalance of Power: A situationship is characterised by an imbalance of power, where one person wants more than the other. This imbalance is a core component of situationships.
• Communication Breakdown: The lack of communication and clear expectations can cause problems, with one person being afraid to state their needs for fear of “rocking the boat”.

4. The Potential End: Instability and Unhealthy Patterns

• Lack of Foundation: If the relationship moved too fast, there may not be a strong foundation of trust, security and good communication. The lack of these elements means that the relationship is unstable.
• Repeating Patterns: If a person has a pattern of choosing similar partners or repeating unhealthy dynamics, the rebound relationship is likely to fail.
• Red Flags Emerge: If red flags were overlooked at the start, or if they are new, they may become a more obvious problem. These red flags might include a partner not being willing to talk about the future, ignoring texts or being emotionally unavailable.
• The “Chaser and Runner” Dynamic: A “chaser and runner” dynamic may emerge, where one person is pursuing the other who is pulling away. This often occurs when one person wants to “rush things” and the other wants to slow down.
• Desire to Rescue or Fix: One person may try to change their partner, or they may be trying to rescue them from their problems. This can cause resentment and kill attraction in the relationship.
• Codependency: If one person is trying to fix or reform the other, codependent patterns may develop where one person loses themselves in the process.
• Toxic Dynamics: When people co-create “toxic dynamics” in a relationship, it is time to look at their own inner conflicts and beliefs.

5. Moving On: Self-Reflection and Growth

• Recognising the Need to End: If the rebound relationship is not working, it may be necessary to end it. This can be difficult, but it is important to recognise when a relationship is a “dead end”.
• Grieving the Loss: The end of a relationship is a loss, and it is important to allow the grieving process. This may include stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, but they do not necessarily occur in sequence.
• Self-Reflection: The end of a relationship should be used as an opportunity for self-reflection. It is important to look back at the relationship and try to understand what went wrong and what you could do differently next time. It is important to understand your part in the relationship dynamic and to examine your own patterns.
• Understanding Your Patterns: Patterns are likely to be repeated if you do not work on yourself. You need to “do some inner work” to learn the skills needed to have a healthy relationship.
• Changing Your Relationship with Yourself: When you change your relationship with yourself, who you start to have chemistry with also changes.
• Learning from Red Flags: It’s important to look back at past relationships and take note of any red flags that were missed.
• Focus on Self: It is important to focus on self-care, and ensure that your basic needs are being met, such as eating, sleeping and hydrating. It can also be helpful to get support from friends or a professional therapist.
• Living Your Life: A person’s life should feel full even without a partner. It is important to do the things that make you feel alive and purposeful. People who are not living their lives are more likely to develop anxious attachment or codependency.
• Moving Forward: It is important not to remain stuck in the past, and to move forward. It can be beneficial to create a new blueprint for your life, and decide what kind of relationship you want.

6. Transition to a Healthy Relationship

• Intentional Choices: When entering a new relationship, it is important to make intentional choices and not settle for less than you want. It is also important to be honest about what you want and to communicate that to your partner.
• Building a Foundation: Instead of focusing on the initial “spark”, a healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust, security, and honest communication.
• Having “Adult Conversations”: It is important to have adult conversations right away about what you want from a relationship, and what your expectations are.
• Communicating Your Needs: In a healthy relationship both people are honest and vulnerable, and have reciprocal feelings for one another. It is important to communicate your needs and to ask your partner what they need.
• Learning the Dance of Distance and Togetherness: Healthy relationships learn to balance closeness and distance, rather than being “obsessed” with each other.
• Not Repeating Patterns: People who have moved on to a healthy relationship have often spent time reflecting on their past patterns and have grown and evolved.
• Understanding the Purpose: People in healthy, lasting relationships understand that they have learned from past experiences and can see the purpose of these experiences.

By understanding these stages, people can navigate rebound relationships more consciously and use them as opportunities for growth and self-discovery rather than getting caught in unhealthy cycles.

The goal is to move towards forming relationships based on genuine connection, clear communication and mutual respect, rather than fleeting emotions and a need to avoid pain.