Why Do Nice Guys Finish Last?

The phrase “nice guys finish last” suggests that people (usually men) who are too kind or considerate in relationships and life are disadvantaged compared to those who are more aggressive and self-serving.

A nice guy is warm, kind, and cooperative, and tends to avoid conflict, which are objectively positive traits.

Yet it seems that instead of these making him more sexually and romantically attractive, he often gets “friendzoned” or rejected.

Pleasant cheerful handsome young guy looking aside and holding bouquet of flowers while feeling happy — Their overly agreeable or passive behavior might lead others to overlook or undervalue them.

Nice guys finish last because they are too agreeable, lack boundaries, and let people walk all over them.

Let’s unpack that.

Many women like dominant men

What is often perceived as “niceness” might actually be a lack of assertiveness or confidence.

Men who are overly agreeable or eager to please might be seen as doormats or lacking in individuality.

This can make them less attractive to potential partners who are looking for someone who is confident and secure in themselves.

One reason might be that women struggle to believe that a man who doesn’t stand up for himself could stand up for her and (later) her children.

Scientific research has found that lower levels of agreeableness (a personality trait associated with being nice) predicted more success in casual sexual relationships.

The authors speculate that less agreeable men might be more assertive in pursuing relationships or more skilled at persuading women to engage in casual sexual encounters.

A man who says “This is what I want, and this is how I’m going to get it” is more attractive to a woman than a man who doesn’t know what he wants or how to get it.

Dominance signals a man has power and influence – he is confident and can protect himself and his family.

Many women seek excitement

Nice guys might seem too predictable and lack excitement. Many women (and people in general) want a bit of excitement, unpredictability, and adventure.

Confident and charismatic men attract women because they seem at ease in life and bring a sense of thrill and even risk into the dynamic.

Though it might not always last, the excitement can create initial attraction and infatuation.

The romanticization of “bad boys” in popular culture might create a bias toward perceiving these traits as exciting or rebellious.

Bad boys are often portrayed as adventurous, spontaneous, and unpredictable, which can be appealing to those seeking a break from routine or a sense of adventure.

Some women might be drawn to the excitement and novelty that a “bad boy” relationship can offer, especially in younger years or when seeking short-term flings.

Additionally, women might be influenced by observing their peers choosing “bad boys”, perpetuating the stereotype and contributing to a perceived social validation of this choice.

It’s about self-esteem and self-respect

It’s not being nice that women find unattractive, it’s being a pushover and lacking confidence. Women are attracted to men who have solid self-esteem and self-respect.

Men who constantly prioritize others’ needs above their own and allow themselves to be “walked all over” can be perceived as lacking self-esteem.

When you constantly put others’ needs before your own, don’t stand up for yourself, and allow people to walk all over you, it sends a message that you don’t value yourself.

This can be unattractive to potential partners because it raises questions about your confidence and ability to be an equal partner in a relationship.

A woman’s own insecurity

Some women with low self-worth and insecurities might be drawn to partners who aren’t good for them. This might be because:

Getting attention from a “bad boy” can feel exciting or boost their confidence temporarily, especially if it feels exclusive or special.
They might be drawn to dynamics that mirror their early relationships – a woman who grew up with unstable relationships might subconsciously find similar dynamics comforting or familiar.
A woman with low self-esteem might (subconsciously) believe she doesn’t deserve a healthy relationship. She might accept bad behavior because she doesn’t fully believe she deserves any better.

Niceness can feel like pressure

Many women can tell when a man is being nice to her to gain something (usually of a sexual nature).

So, when nice gestures and treating her “like a princess” come with an expectation, it puts unwanted pressure on a woman, which can be unattractive.

When the expectation isn’t met, a man may also get angry thinking, “I was nice to you, so why aren’t you reciprocating?”

But does being nice mean you’re owed an interaction or relationship? Shouldn’t being nice come with no expectation of reciprocation at all?

Feeling entitled to someone’s affection or attention because you’ve been “nice” is a recipe for disappointment and conflict.

Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and a balance of give and take.

When one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it creates an unhealthy dynamic that can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction

Example to illustrate why nice guys finish last

Let’s say Jordyn meets Agreeable Andy and Self-assured Steven.

Agreeable Andy is very attentive and showers Jordyn with compliments. He texts her every day and wishes her a good morning and good night. Whenever she texts him, he responds immediately and anxiously awaits her response.

When he receives a message from her, he stops everything he’s doing and focuses his full attention on speaking to her, no matter what’s going on in his day.

If she cancels a date last minute, he clears his schedule to rearrange the date. He takes her to the most expensive restaurants and buys her lavish gifts. When they talk, he agrees with everything she says, even if he disagrees with her opinion.

Self-assured Steven is kind and respectful in his communication but doesn’t text Jordyn every day. He never interrupts his day to respond to her messages and only does so when he has time.

While seeing where things will go with Jordyn, he prioritizes his friends, work, and hobbies.

He takes her to places he likes and is assertive when making plans. When they’re talking, he says what he means and isn’t afraid to disagree with her opinions.

Given the reasons why nice guys finish last, who do you think is more appealing to Jordyn?

Tips for Nice Guy Success

If you identify as a nice or good guy and feel you’re being left behind, here’s some advice:

Be a good guy – not a submissive guy

If you’re a good-natured, kind person, you should hold onto those qualities. But don’t equate being kind with being submissive.

You can maintain your kindness while setting boundaries, having self-respect, and demanding to be treated with respect.

Don’t listen to the pickup artists who tell men to treat women badly to get ahead.

Work on your self-esteem and confidence

You can be a nice guy and be confident, assertive, and dominant – they’re not mutually exclusive (like the example I gave above, Steven is a nice guy but he’s also self-assured).

Building confidence can take time but here’s some advice to get you started:

Be kind to yourself: treat yourself like a friend and act like a coach towards yourself – constantly criticizing yourself won’t make you feel more confident. A coach motivates and drives you forward, a critic puts you down and holds you back.
Surround yourself with positive people: prioritize the people in your life who make you feel good, supported, and loved. Remove people who are toxic, unnecessarily critical, or generally have a negative influence on how you feel.
Exercise: being active is a great way to make you feel good about yourself.
Find a hobby: find something you like and become better at it – it will give you a great sense of accomplishment. It can be anything from tennis to sketching to mushroom picking.
Practice gratitude: learn to be grateful for what you have (it doesn’t matter how small or insignificant you might think these are). When you practice gratitude, you start to notice more things you’re grateful for, which will boost your self-esteem.
Set small goals: confidence is like a muscle: it’s built over time and with effort. Set small goals for yourself (like speaking up in a meeting or class) and once you’ve achieved them, celebrate yourself.
Learn to set boundaries: when you learn to set boundaries, you and others will respect you more.

Set boundaries

To thrive in life and relationships, it’s essential to understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

Setting boundaries, saying “no,” and being willing to disagree respectfully all communicate that you value yourself and your time.

This is attractive because it shows you’re not willing to be taken advantage of or treated poorly.

The “nice guys finish last” idea refers to men who are too agreeable, don’t speak up for what they want and need, accept disrespectful behavior, and let others walk all over them – in other words, they lack boundaries.

But being kind, empathetic, and loving must be balanced with boundaries, which comes from having self-respect:

Learn to say no
If you let someone disrespect you, how can they respect you?
If someone doesn’t treat you with respect, for example, if they don’t show up to a date, don’t reply, or otherwise waste your time, don’t let them get away with it

Work on your social and leadership skills

If you want to feel more in control of your life, more confident and comfortable in your own skin, practice your social and leadership skills.

Here are a few tips to get you going:

Social skills

Practice active listening: pay full attention when someone is talking. When you’re fully listening, you’ll naturally come up with questions to ask. Avoid thinking about other things or focusing on what to say.
Ask people questions: show people you’re genuinely interested in their life. For example, “What do you enjoy most about work?” or “How did you first get into [that hobby]?”
Keep open body language: unfold your arms, smile, turn your body towards the person you’re speaking to, and make eye contact (if that’s comfortable for you)

Leadership skills

Look for opportunities to lead – it can be small tasks at school or work, being the speaker at a meeting, or leading on a project. It’s probably best to start small and work your way up to bigger things.
Communicate honestly: practice sharing your thoughts with other people and giving constructive feedback.
Ask people in leadership roles for feedback and advice.
Practice assertive body language: stand upright, chest open, shoulders relaxed, head high. Avoid fidgeting, crossing your arms, and other closed-off body language.

Attachment Style

Your “nice guy” status (lacking boundaries, being too agreeable, etc.) might be the result of having an insecure attachment style.

The relationships you had early in life can affect how confident you feel socially and in relationships. Therefore, it can be helpful to understand attachment theory and work on becoming more securely attached.

A few other tips for dating as a nice guy

Do something for yourself every day to learn that it’s okay to prioritize your own needs. It could be something that helps you attain a goal you’ve set for yourself or just relaxing, reading a book, or whatever works for you
When you’re speaking to or seeing someone, don’t feel like you have to be at their beck and call – you don’t have to reply immediately and you don’t always have to be available to meet
If you disagree with a person’s opinion, say so respectfully. For example, if you’re on a date and she says she hates hiking but you enjoy it, tell her that
When someone cancels on you last minute or doesn’t show up for a date, does that make you feel disrespected? If so, let them know, and don’t let them just get away with it – affirm your boundaries

Final thought – Maybe the problem isn’t you

Have you considered that maybe the issue is that the type of woman you’re pursuing isn’t right for you? Maybe it’s a compatibility issue rather than a “nice guy” issue.

You shouldn’t have to change who you are to find love – there are many women out there who aren’t looking for a dominant man. That being said, it’s still important to have boundaries, treat people considerately, and expect to be treated with respect.

In a dating context

Being prosocial (e.g., showing kindness, sharing, offering help, cooperation, etc.) or a “nice guy” is not enough to be attractive – a man needs to appear confident, assertive, and dominant as well.

Research has shown that when it comes to dating, women prefer men who are dominant and prosocial.

This study on female preferences concluded that being a nice guy enhances social desirability only when combined with perceived dominance.

It also found that prosocial behavior is only seen as attractive when it’s perceived to be voluntary rather than submissive because this shows strength rather than weakness.

Is this true for every woman?

The notion that nice guys finish last is a generalization – everyone is unique and women value different traits in partners.

Also, women tend to look for different things depending on whether they’re after a short-term or long-term relationship.

When it comes to casual dating or flings, physical attractiveness and dominance take precedence over niceness. However, women tend to put more importance on kindness and emotional support when looking for a long-term partner.

So, while nice guys might be overlooked for flings, they have more of a chance with women looking for “the one”.

Nevertheless, women tend to favor men who are kind AND dominant – niceness alone doesn’t seem to work (we’ll consider why in the next section).

In a work context

The nice in “nice guy” refers to agreeableness, and agreeableness hinders success in highly competitive environments.

At least that’s what research has found. Studies on this (see sources below) have come to several conclusions:

Agreeable individuals (warm, kind, cooperative) are more likely to face financial hardships, such as lower savings, higher debt, and greater risk of bankruptcy
Agreeableness measured in childhood predicts worse financial outcomes later in life – showing the long-term effect of this personality trait on financial health
The nice guy’s tendency to avoid confrontation can be a disadvantage in highly competitive environments
Assertiveness and strategic conflict are often necessary for success
Men who are seen as more disagreeable (“the tough negotiators”) earn significantly more than their agreeable counterparts
This is especially true for men: disagreeable men are often viewed positively in professional settings, while women may face backlash for similar behavior, leading to a negative perception.

So being too agreeable (too much of a nice guy) can be a disadvantage in particularly competitive work environments such as business and politics.

They’re perceived as too agreeable, easily exploitable, and therefore less effective in business and leadership.

Generally speaking, kindness and altruism are undervalued in our highly competitive, individualistic, and materialistic society. This contributes to the perception that nice guys finish last.

Sources

Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Graziano, W. G., & West, S. G. (1995). Dominance, prosocial orientation, and female preferences: Do nice guys really finish last? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68(3), 427–440.

Joly, J., Soroka, S. & Loewen, P. (2018). Nice Guys Finish Last: Personality and Political Success. Acta Politica, 54 (1).

Lin-Healy, F., & Small, D. A. (2013). Nice guys finish last and guys in last are nice: The clash between doing well and doing good. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 4(6), 692–698.

Matz, S. C., & Gladstone, J. J. (2020). Nice guys finish last: When and why agreeableness is associated with economic hardship. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 118(3), 545–561.

McDaniel, A. K. (2005). Young women’s dating behavior: Why/why not date a nice guy?. Sex Roles, 53, 347-359.

Regan, P., Levin, L., Sprecher, S., Christopher, F., & Cate, R. (2000). Partner preferences: What characteristics do men and women desire in their short-term and long-term romantic partners? Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 12, 1–21.

Urbaniak, G. C., & Kilmann, P. R. (2003). Physical attractiveness and the “nice guy paradox”: Do nice guys really finish last?. Sex Roles, 49, 413-426.

Urbaniak, G. C., & Kilmann, P. R. (2006). Niceness and dating success: A further test of the nice guy stereotype. Sex Roles, 55, 209-224.