Autistic people may lose friendships due to misunderstandings stemming from differences in communication styles and social expectations, combined with the emotional toll of camouflaging and the challenges of navigating neurotypical social dynamics.
Losing friends is painful for anyone, but for autistic individuals, the experience can be particularly challenging and isolating.
Autistic people, like anyone else, have a fundamental desire for connection and belonging. Despite this, autistic people often report losing friends and having few close connections.
It can feel extremely hurtful when friendships end, especially when they end due to a clash between autistic and neurotypical expectations of friendship.
Why might autistic people lose friendships?
Below are some possible reasons why autistic people may lose friendships:
Social Communication and Interaction Differences
Differences in the ways autistic people communicate and interact can cause friction in a friendship:
Interpreting social cues
Autistic individuals may find it difficult to interpret subtle social cues, like facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language.
These cues are often essential for navigating social situations and understanding unspoken messages within friendships. This can lead to misinterpretations and unintentional social blunders that strain the relationship.
“I had a friend who after meeting up would say “Let’s try to meet up more often.” So, I would immediately ask her for her next availability to arrange another meeting to which she seemed confused or said she would let me know when she was free and then never did until I had to ask again. I think I may have been overbearing to her, but to me, if someone says we need to meet up more often, then I take this literally.”
Reciprocal conversations
Difficulties with reciprocal conversations are also common, where taking turns speaking and listening can be challenging.
For example, an autistic person may spend a long time discussing their favorite topic and may not realize that their friend is getting bored and wants to move on.
Autistic people may also dislike small talk and the back-and-forth questions often expected during small talk. Their friends may interpret this lack of reciprocity as rude or disinterest in socializing.
Honesty and directness
Autistic individuals may also prefer direct communication or struggle to follow rapidly changing topics, leading to awkward pauses or feelings of being left out.
They may also ask direct questions (as a way to better understand) and give very honest answers that might feel alarming or off-putting to friends.
“Sometimes, friends get very defensive if I ask them a clarifying question like “Why did you make this decision?” because they think I am being confrontational. I’m not. I just like to understand people’s motivations for things.”
The Pressure to Mask
To fit in and make friends, many autistic people engage in “masking” or “camouflaging” their autistic traits.
This involves consciously suppressing natural behaviors and mimicking neurotypical mannerisms, which can be incredibly exhausting and create a sense of inauthenticity in friendships.
Over time, maintaining this façade can lead to burnout and social anxiety, making it difficult to sustain friendships long-term.
“I got so burnt out from masking around my close friends that I gradually stopped trying, withdrew from them, isolated myself, and they stopped asking me to hang out with them. So those friendships ended.”
Divergent Friendship Needs and Expectations
Autistic and neurotypical individuals often have different ideas about what friendships look like.
Autistic people may require less frequent social interaction and find large social gatherings or emotionally charged conversations draining.
They may also prefer friendships based on shared interests rather than constant emotional disclosure.
“I want to just sit in comfortable silence with my friends sometimes. But I think they interpret this silence as a failing friendship or that I am being rude or upset with them about something.”
These differences can lead to misunderstandings, as neurotypical friends might misinterpret a need for space as disinterest or unfriendliness.
The “double empathy problem” further complicates things. This concept describes the reciprocal communication difficulties between autistic and neurotypical individuals.
Both groups struggle to understand each other’s communication styles and perspectives, leading to misinterpretations, frustration, and breakdowns in communication that can erode the foundation of friendships.
Impact of Societal Perceptions
Negative societal perceptions and stereotypes surrounding autism can also impact autistic individuals’ ability to maintain friendships.
Misconceptions about autism can lead to stigma and prejudice, making it challenging for autistic people to feel accepted and valued in social settings.
This lack of understanding and acceptance can make it difficult to form lasting friendships.
The impact of losing friends
Losing friendships can be a deeply painful experience, particularly given the challenges they already face in forming and maintaining social relationships.
Below are key areas where this loss is felt most acutely:
Increased Loneliness and Isolation
Autistic individuals already face a higher risk of experiencing loneliness compared to neurotypical populations.
The loss of friendships further exacerbates this loneliness which can lead to increased feelings of isolation and social disconnect.
This is particularly concerning, as research suggests that only a small proportion of autistic adults have friends.
Negative Impact on Mental Health
Loneliness and social isolation are strongly associated with a range of mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety.
Autistic individuals are particularly vulnerable to these negative mental health outcomes following friendship loss.
The stress of navigating social situations and masking autistic traits can contribute to burnout and emotional exhaustion, leaving individuals less equipped to cope with the emotional fallout of losing friends.
Reinforcement of Negative Self-Perceptions
Autistic individuals may already experience feelings of being different, misunderstood, or socially inept due to societal perceptions and past negative experiences.
Losing friendships can reinforce these negative self-perceptions, leading to decreased self-esteem and a diminished sense of belonging.
This can create a vicious cycle where feelings of inadequacy make it even harder to form new friendships.
“I sometimes think I am just unlikeable and will never have those close connections that I want.”
Diminished Sense of Trust and Security
Building trust is often a significant hurdle for autistic individuals due to difficulties interpreting social cues and past experiences of betrayal or misunderstanding.
Losing friendships, particularly those that involve a perceived sense of security and acceptance, can be deeply painful and make it even harder to trust others in the future.
Loss of Valuable Support System
Friendships, even those with differing levels of intensity or frequency of interaction, can provide vital emotional and practical support.
Autistic individuals may rely on friends for companionship, shared interests, and navigating social situations that they find challenging.
Losing this support system can leave individuals feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and less able to cope with daily life stressors.
Tips for maintaining friendships as an autistic person
Below are some tips that may help in maintaining existing friendships and creating stronger connections with new people:
Reassure
Reassuring your friends of your intentions can help to make sure there are fewer misunderstandings.
For example, you could say:
- “I am not good at small talk but I am interested in hearing about your day if you would like to vent.”
Or
- “Sometimes my answers can be blunt but just be assured that I am not annoyed or intending to be mean!”
It might also be helpful to ask permission before sharing your honest thoughts. For example, you could ask:
- “Would you like me to give an honest answer, practical advice, or do you just want me to listen for now?”
Honesty and Authenticity
While masking might seem like a way to fit in, being genuine can foster deeper and more fulfilling connections.
For example, if forcing facial expressions is draining, you can explain to your friends “I am enjoying myself, even if my face isn’t showing it!”
Friends who accept and appreciate authentic traits are more likely to provide long-term support.
Seeking Understanding and Acceptance
Educating friends about autism and how it affects social interaction can help bridge the gap in understanding.
Sharing personal experiences and explaining sensory sensitivities or communication preferences can foster empathy and reduce misunderstandings.
Connecting with Other Autistic People
There is unique comfort and understanding that can be found in friendships with other autistic individuals.
Shared experiences and neurodiversity-affirming spaces can offer a sense of belonging and validation that might be harder to find in neurotypical settings.
Connecting through online communities or support groups can help build these relationships.
Self-Care and Boundaries
Managing social interactions can be emotionally draining. Prioritizing self-care and establishing clear boundaries is crucial for maintaining well-being.
It’s okay to decline invitations or take breaks from social situations to recharge. Communicating these needs to friends can help them understand and respect individual limits.
For example, you could say “I would love to meet you but my social battery is drained. Can we talk after I have had some recovery time?”
The main takeaway from this advice is to explicitly tell your friends what your needs are and reassure them. If they are good friends, they will be understanding and supportive. If they react badly such as trying to guilt you, then take some space from them or reevaluate the value of the friendship.
Remember that friendships require effort from both sides. While the responsibility shouldn't solely be on you, taking proactive steps to build understanding, communicate openly, and create supportive environments can significantly contribute to maintaining fulfilling and lasting connections.
References
Atherton, G., Hathaway, R., Visuri, I., & Cross, L. (2024). A critical hit: Dungeons and Dragons as a buff for autistic people. Autism, 13623613241275260. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613241275260
Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11(1), 184-209. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8
Chan, D. V., Doran, J. D., & Galobardi, O. D. (2023). Beyond friendship: The spectrum of social participation of autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 53(1), 424-437. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-022-05441-1
Mazurek, M. O. (2014). Loneliness, friendship, and well-being in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Autism, 18(3), 223-232. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361312474121
